I wrenched myself up from the ground and ran through the hallway to the bathroom. Throwing open the medicine cabinet door, I grabbed the pills that I’d relied on since the night he died and poured as many as I could choke down into my mouth. Cupping water into my folded hands, I drank long hard pulls to get them all down.
Stumbling into our bedroom, I grabbed our wedding photo off his side of the bed and clutched it tightly to my chest as I made my way back to the Christmas tree. I slumped down underneath the tree, my body folding in on itself.
Everything seemed to slow down, as I clutched our picture with both hands. The flames from the fire rose and waved in slow-motion, the lights on the tree barely moving as they continued to race around the tree.
The front door flew open. I heard the yells and my mother screaming my name as she fell to my limp body. I knew I’d hurt her by the look on her face. I closed my eyes, and exhaled.
Chapter Three
My eyes opened to the meadow where I lay in the cold snow. Jumping up, I heard the laugh of my happiness at finally being with Michael the way I wanted. I ran but had no point of reference of where I should go.
At last, Michael-broke through the edge of the forest. His screams were not happy but fearful. I carried the pain in my body—my chest hurt and so did my throat —but none of that mattered now that I was with him.
I jumped into his arms, but he pulled me back as I tried desperately to hang on to him. “You have to go back!”
“No, I’m staying.” His hands clasped around the sides of my neck, forcing me to look him in those beautiful brown eyes.
“No! It’s not your time, Nadia. You have a lifetime of memories to make. I’m no longer a part of your future.” His words were like a cold slap in my face. It burned as I considered a future without him.
“It’s too late, the damage is already done.”
Grabbing onto the tops of my arms he shook me. “It isn’t time yet, Nadia. Listen to me!”
“Why are you so angry with me? I thought you’d be happy we’d finally be together.”
“Our time is over. We can’t be together again, not until…” He gathered me closer and looked deep within the bowels of my soul through my eyes. It astounded me to see that much fear in his face. “What did you do?” His voice lowered as he lost all anger.
“The only thing I knew to get you back.” Michael sunk to his knees before me, his legs burying in the snow as he held his face in his hands. His body shook; quiet sobs filled the air between us. I sunk lower and gathered him into my arms. “Don’t you see, Michael? You are the only one for me; I can’t live without you. I’ve already tried and I can’t.”
“Nadia, leave me. I won’t come back to the meadow anymore. You need to move on with your life, baby.”
“What? I’ve already done the damage, Michael. There is no hope to revive me on the other side.”
“You are not gone yet. They are working hard to bring you back. Too many people are counting on you to come back to them.”
“Michael, I want you.” Powerful sobs echoed into the meadow. At once a surge of power hit my chest and I fell into the snow.
“Nadia, I won’t come back. It’s time that I let you live your life. I’ll always love you and I’ll be waiting for you when it is your time.”
Through the pain in my chest and the empty feeling in my stomach, my cloudy eyes watched him walk away and into the cover of the forest. Gone.
The pain in my chest intensified with each thrust of electricity bolting through my body at once. I knew then that someone wanted me back, someone would be hurt if I left forever. I closed my eyes, with Michael’s face the only thing I saw as a bright light surrounded me.
Epilogue
It’s been two years since my attempted suicide and I have my mother to thank for loving me as much as she did to keep fighting for me. And although I don’t dream of Michael and of our meadow, I know he’s still close by.
Times where I feel the worst, I feel a nudge and I know that it’s him telling me to move on. It took awhile to learn how to live without Michael but with constant will and help from my parents, I did.
Each day is a new step for me. I learn each day to do things for me and not question myself about motives and if it would make Michael happy. Because I know that I am.
I got a gift that year for Christmas. I was reminded that there were other people in my life who loved me and wanted to see me move past the heartbreak of losing Michael.
Each new year is a gift. Each Christmas I’m reminded of what I still have. My time with Michael is gone, but I know that once it is time for me to leave this world, he will be there to welcome me with open arms.
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Christmas Kiss is on Her List Page 11
