by Angela Nock
Who was I kidding? How many time could I have my hope dashed upon the rocks? My heart was torn between destruction and despair, and hope, and anger.
He must have heard my silent but noisy thoughts, churning as they had been inside my head because when we reached my house he planted a kiss on my head and said, 'I'm sorry,' into my hair.
'For what?' We had so little time left, why was I mad at him?
'I know I should've told you -'
'About?' Why was I being so difficult?
Josh sighed. 'The thing Hyperion said to me, about the connection we share. I didn't tell you because I didn't know if he was telling the truth. He's told so many lies,' he said, grabbing my shoulders. 'Please don't be angry with me.'
'But you still kept it from me, Josh. You keep trying to protect me! Jesus, I'm stuck in the middle of a fight between angels and...' What was Hyperion now? I sighed. 'I need to know these things….'
'I know. I'm sorry.'
'How can I not be mad? I'm the human. I'm weak. Every time you leave me out of things you just show me how different we are. How weak I am. I don't need reminding -'
'I know-'
'I'm sorry, yes, you've said.' What was wrong with me? Why was I arguing? I closed my eyes and exhaled loudly. 'Look, ignore me. I'm just tired.' And weak and human. I opened my eyes and was struck by the beauty of his face, and how worn out he looked. I wasn't the only one that was tired.
'I'm half human too,' he said.
'But I'm only human.'
'You need to get some sleep.'
Suddenly an intense feeling of loss passed over me. I just wanted to fall to sleep in his arms. I wanted to be normal.
'Come with me,' I said, with a little smile and a pull of his hand. Our bodies collided.
There was a fire as we connected, a deep need to be joined, to be part of a whole, to feel our souls glued together. My heart pounded in my chest, my breathing became ragged.
I wanted him.
And he wanted me too.
Our lips met with a hunger and my body fell into a bonfire of flames. Josh ran his hand through my hair and then cupped my head in his hand, pulling me to him. I was as close to him as I could get, standing there outside my front door.
And then he stopped.
'I can't,' he said, 'I need to go.' His words were not telling the whole truth.
I leaned forward and placed my hand on his hip. His body shivered at my touch. 'Come with me,' I said, 'just for a bit.'
'I can't.' His face was forlorn and consumed with sadness. 'I need to work on the Book of Solomon. I need to stop Hyperion. And you need to sleep.'
I nodded. All of a sudden my energy dried up. Tiredness consumed me. He was right. Pathetic human weakness. I could not sink now. I wouldn't. That would've been all too human.
He kissed my fingers. 'You think you're the weak one,' he said. He smiled, but it didn't light up his eyes. He ran his fingers across my face. They came to rest upon my lips. 'And I'm afraid that if I kiss you again my resolve would break and I'd end up, up there with you.' He pointed up to my bedroom window.
'And that's a bad thing? I asked.
I could've made him stay. I wanted to make him stay. But I didn't.
And all too soon I was on my own again.
I felt the sadness in my heart, the grief I could feel deep down in my bones. It was like a sob in the darkness. I pushed it to the back of my mind, for if I concentrated on it, the dark, paralysing thoughts would consume me.
The house was just as I'd left it, except now that the burgundy peonies below the window were in bloom and the daffodils beside them were brown and decaying. On one hand, it felt as though I'd never been away, and that everything was the same, almost as if I had been dreaming my part in the fight between heaven and hell. But everything had changed. I had changed.
I put my key in the lock. Why was I hesitating?
What was waiting for me inside? What state would Cassie be in? What would her mood be like? My stomach churned, and my legs turned to jelly. I was scared to think of what I would find. I hadn't thought about her in all the time I had been away. What did that say about me? Was she back with Dan? Was she even still...alive? Or had she drunk herself into oblivion?
How had our relationship come to this?
My stomach jolted as I turned the key. I pushed the door open. My legs didn't want to work, but I forced myself to step inside. The air smelled of roses and ylang-ylang, and there was a new reed-air diffuser by a large vase of deep red roses in the hall. A song by Rhianna blasted out from the kitchen and I could hear Cassie singing along.
Well, at least she was still alive.
I took a deep breath and went into the living room.
'Hello,' I shouted.
The music stopped. 'Hello?' shouted Cassie, 'Is anybody there?'
'It's me, Mom.' The word mom turned sour in my mouth. I waited, poised for the tidal wave of fury that was coming my way.
Cassie swept into the living room. Her red hair was like fire, loose around her shoulders. She was wearing a smart cream chiffon blouse and a black skirt.
'Hun, where have you been?' She swept over to me and scooped me up in her arms. I stood paralysed, like a statue, uncomfortable at her unfamiliar touch.
'I….'
She let me go, clucked, stood back, and stared at me. 'Don't even think about giving me any of that nonsense about being on a school trip.'
'I….'
'I know you lied to me,' she said.
But where was the fury?
'The school called. Don't worry though, I sorted it.'
'How did you manage that?'
'I told them the truth, that things have been a bit crap lately. You need to get a doctor's note and stay behind after school to make up the time. But don't expect me to cover for you again, because I won't.'
School? I hadn't even thought of that whilst I'd been away. Maybe I didn't want to go back, but I didn't feel like telling her that. I didn't want to provoke her or give her any more ammunition to fire at me.
Life was pressing down on me, suffocating me as it tried to bend me to its will, to make me submit.
'I told them how everything had taken a toll on me and things got out of control.'
What did she want, a medal?
'But don't run out on me again, you hear? I didn't know where you were. With Josh I suppose. And you tried to tell me he wasn't a bad influence. Well, I think you've proved that he is.'
Really? I wanted to tell her I could think for myself, that I didn't need a man to tell me what to do, but I didn't. I kept quiet.
'You've had my nerves on edge, not telling me where you were.'
But you could've rung me. You could've asked.
'Celia told me to go easy on you, what with everything that's happened. But I said to her, this has been hard on me as well, you know, but I didn't run off.' She put her hands on her hips and sighed. 'I'm glad you're back safe.' She walked over to me and planted a kiss on my cheek. 'I don't know what I'd do without you.'
'You seem...better,' I said, carefully choosing my words. I felt off-balance, unsure of where her head was at, or what was happening. But I did know this wouldn't be the end of it. Past history between us told me she would make me pay, of that I was completely sure.
'Anyway, sorry, but I've got to run. I've got a meeting to sort out our money situation.'
'You look smart.'
'Thanks. Celia organised it, reckons I can get a payment plan set up. But I'll need you to pull your weight too. We'll talk later.'
She started walking towards the door.
'Er...how have you been?'
'As well as can be expected,' she said, with a look over her shoulder, 'with an errant daughter and a jackass ex-boyfriend.'
'How is Dan?' I asked before she disappeared through the door.
'I don't know,' she said, turning around, 'haven't seen him since you broke us up.'
Wow. So I broke them up? I wanted to fight but the ang
er was overwhelmed by tiredness.
'You know, next time something happens that you're not happy about you really need to talk to me first.'
'I did.'
'Anyway, you did me a favour. He soon bolted at the first sign of trouble. You don't need a man like that in your life, Hun. Better run, else I'll be late for my appointment,' she said, looking at the light up display on her phone. She looked up at me and said, 'You look terrible. Get some sleep, and for God's sake have a shower. See you later.' She turned around and disappeared out of the door.
The front door slammed shut. I was alone again.
I dropped onto the sofa. I smelled under my armpits. Yep, she was right, I did need a shower, but that is all she was right about. I didn't break her and Dan up and I certainly wasn't the one swanning around on holidays that they couldn't afford. Typical Cassie, blaming everyone but herself.
The phone rang.
I lay back on the sofa and pulled a cushion over my head.
'Go away!' I shouted at no one in particular.
It stopped.
About twenty seconds later, it started ringing again.
'Argh!' I shouted at the ceiling. Before I hauled myself off the sofa and grabbed the phone.
'Hello?'
'Who's that?' said the voice on the other end. Celia.
Who do you think it is? I thought, but said, 'It's me, Evie.'
'Oh, hi Evelyn, finally back then?'
No, I thought, it's just a dream. 'Yeah, just got back.'
'Well, a word of warning, Cassie's on the warpath. She knows you -'
'I know,' I said, surprised at Celia's warning. Usually, she was the one who couldn't wait to drop me in it, 'I've seen her.'
'Oh, okay. Is she there? I need to speak to her.'
'No, she's gone out to that meeting you sorted for her.'
'What meeting?'
'The one you set up to sort out her debts.'
'That was last week.'
'Oh, maybe I got it wrong. I only saw her for a few minutes.'
'Mmmm, okay. Not to worry....'
There was a long pause, but I sensed that there was something else Celia wanted to say.
'Be careful with her,' she said.
I was silent. How did I respond to that?
'I found her, the night you left, with two bottles of pills.'
'Oh,' I said. My heart dropped to my stomach. But I didn't feel as devastated as I thought I should be. In fact, there was a part of me, and I didn't know how big that part was, that was unmoved by it. Why was that? What was wrong with me?
'Yeah, she rang me in tears. She'd been drinking. I got there before she took any.'
'Good,' I said. 'It was good you got there in time.' And I meant it.
'Yeah, I'm getting her sorted out slowly....'
'But?'
'But there's been a spanner in the works.'
I knew what she was going to say before the words left her mouth.
'She's got a new boyfriend.'
Celia's words dropped like stones thrown into a lake.
'How long?' I said, but it came out as more of a sigh.
'The day after she tried to top herself.'
I was too tired for this.
'Be careful,' said Celia.
'Careful? Why?'
'I don't know. I've just got a bad feeling about it. I think he's using her.'
Great, another loser. 'Well, at least she's moving forward and getting her life back together.'
'Yeah, I suppose. Anyway, can you tell her I rung when you see her?'
'I've just written it down on the pad,' I said, digging at her, and still smarting about their accusations of not passing messages on.
'See ya,' said Celia, 'oh, and it's nice to speak to you again.'
'Bye.' I put the phone down. Celia being nice to me wasn't natural, and it wasn't something I thought I could get used to. It creeped me out, I was only used to nasty, snarling Celia.
I let out a yawn. I was thirsty, hungry and tired. Tired won and I dragged myself upstairs to bed. I pulled off my clothes and climbed into the cocoon of warmth.
I woke up with a start, gasping for air.
My whole body ached, and my legs felt like stone.
I rolled over and looked at my alarm clock. It flashed 7.30am. I didn't want to be awake. I didn't want to get up. I wanted to go back to sleep, to not think about Cassie or school or anything.
Outside a bin lorry trundled down the road, and I could hear the bin men emptying the bins and tossing them back to the side of the road. A dog was barking a few doors down, and a motorbike revved its engine. I kept my eyes closed, they burned underneath my eyelids, and I suddenly felt like I needed the loo. There was no point trying to sleep, not when the whole world was conspiring to wake me up.
I went to the bathroom, used the toilet then climbed into the shower. The water was hot and refreshing and managed to wake me up.
I went back to my bedroom, wrapped in a towel, and began to hunt through my wardrobe for something suitable for preventing the Apocalypse. I chose a pair of dark blue jeans, a black t-shirt and grabbed another, clean grey hoodie.
I heard knocking coming from the front door.
'Hang on!' I shouted, thinking it was Josh. I rushed downstairs still wrapped in my soaking wet towel. The one from my head became unwrapped as the doorbell went. It fell on the floor and I left it where it fell.
I opened the door. It was Dexter.
'Dexter,' I said, covering my modesty with the front door as best as I could, 'What do you want?'
'I'm glad your back,' he said smiling.
I looked at him suspiciously. 'Forgive me for being rude, but the last time we spoke we weren't exactly on good terms…' Like, really? What had happened whilst I'd been away? Why were people being nice to me? Had they all been taking nice pills? I wished they'd stop because it was beginning to freak me out.
'I know.' He hung his head and shuffled on the spot. 'I'm sorry,' he said, before looking up at me, his head tilted. 'Can we talk?'
I looked down at my towel. 'Now's not really a good time.'
'It's important. It's about your mom.'
'Great,' I said, 'Come in.' I opened the front door. 'Go into the living room whilst I go and get changed.'
Dexter wouldn't look at me. He nodded, diverting his eyes to the floor, and disappeared into the living room.
'Make yourself a coffee, if you want,' I shouted after him.
I quickly dashed upstairs and got changed.
I couldn't help wondering why Dexter was here. What had my no-good-for-nothing mother done now? Something bad enough for Dexter to come and see me.
I went back downstairs. Dexter was sat on the sofa, his hand cupped on his lap. He looked up as I walked in and smiled. There was a time when that smile would have had me walking on air.
'You look good,' he said.
I didn't. I looked like crap. 'Thanks. But what do you want?'
'Is your mom here?'
'No. And I don't know when she'll be back either.'
'Will you come for a walk with me?'
'Don't think Amber would approve of that, do you?'
'We've split up.'
'Oh.' I should have offered words of comfort, but I couldn't. 'I….'
'It's okay,' he said, 'it's been a long time coming. To be honest, I'm glad it's over.'
'Well, that's…erm….'
'Can we get out of here?'
'Erm,' I said, unsure of why he was here, or why I was even entertaining him, 'I'd rather not.'
'Oh, okay.'
'What's this about, Dexter? Because I'm in the middle of something.' Why was I being so rude?
'Yeah, sorry. I…er….'
Did he always apologise this much? It was so annoying.
Dexter continued, 'Your mom is definitely out? And she's not going to come back any time soon?'
'She's not in. I don't know when she'll be back. Why? What's she done now?'
'Right,' said D
exter, composing himself, 'I'm not supposed to know this, but -'
'What? Spit it out.'
'She's planning on selling your house.'
'But she can't. It's mine. Well, held in trust until I'm eighteen.'
'And she's a trustee of your Grandma's will.'
'She can't do that.'
'No and yes,' he said.
'What do you mean? Stop speaking in riddles.'
'I think she's hoping to sell the house and use the proceeds herself.'
'Wow.' Would she really stoop that low? 'And you know this, how?'
'Mom and Dad have been arguing about it. My dad is your mom's solicitor. He thinks Cassie is trying to trick you out of the house and the money.'
I stared at him, my eyes open wide. I didn't know what to say. And then, I said, 'Dexter, why were your mom and dad arguing about my mom's business? Even if she is shafting me, why would they be arguing about it?'
Dexter looked at me, with pity in his eyes. 'You really don't know do you?'
'Know what?'
'My father had an affair with your mother after your Gran died. He was her solicitor. That's why my parents were arguing. Mom is pretty pissed that Dad would even consider her as a client again. Dad said he's not doing it for that, that he just wants to protect you.'
'Tell your Dad thanks, but he needs to run for the hills. Cassie will bring him nothing but trouble.'
'But he's trying to protect your inheritance.'
'Tell him it's not worth it.' Tiredness swept through my body, my vision began to swim with flashes of light. I really just wanted to sink back into my bed.
'You okay?' asked Dexter.
I placed my hand on my forehead. 'Yeah, I'm just tired. Not been sleeping very well.'
Dexter shrugged. 'I'm sorry.'
'Anyway, I need to get going,' I said.
'Are you going to school tomorrow?' he asked as he stood up to leave.
'No.'
I followed him to the front door. He opened it and sunlight streamed in through the door. He stepped outside then turned, 'Amber's pregnant,' he said.
'Oh.'
'Yeah, she...I think she's going to have an abortion.'
I looked at his sad face, at the hurt that was consuming him, but I couldn't help him. Not after everything they'd both done to me. I shut the door and went back upstairs without saying another word.
