She’d admitted to having a “crush” on him shortly after beginning working together, but she’d adamantly refused to do anything about it, and at the time, Noah had felt the same. Now, though, he couldn’t stop thinking about her, and no matter how hard he tried not to, he knew he was headed down the road to falling for her. Some things just couldn’t be helped, and this was one of those things. He’d reasoned with himself, tried denial, fought to maintain neutral ground, and despite all of his efforts, his heart sang whenever she was around.
Today, she’d recanted her statement that there couldn’t be anything between them and literally asked him to kiss her, practically demanded it. Noah was so confused he wasn’t sure he knew his ass from his ascot, and he wanted to know, now that he saw the painting, what her intentions were. Was she just toying with him and stringing him along for the fun of it, knowing she would never commit? Or was her own fiery passion for avoiding the complications of romance dying?
And did he have the nerve to ask her outright?
Noah wasn’t a shy man. His mother had taught him to be assertive, and that’s how he’d managed to build his business. But when it came to Zoe, he was reduced to little more than a terrified boy afraid to step out of line for fear of losing a precious possession. Which was crazy since there was no way Zoe qualified as something that in any way belonged to him.
He was leaning against the table when she returned, looking serious and professional now. She had a certain demeanor when she worked, and it was vastly different from the woman he’d seen today by the pond, the woman who kissed him back in a frenzy and an implication that she wanted more than that.
“Look at you, getting things ready to go,” she said with a smile. “I didn’t expect you to do it all by yourself, but thanks.”
“No problem.” He didn’t move. He didn’t reach for his smock or pull up a chair or take the sheet off his painting. And he certainly didn’t start sifting through brushes and paints to find the next perfect shade to add to some part or other of his father’s face. Instead, he stared at hers, gauging her mood and trying to read her expression. Her eyes were a tell most of the time when it came to her contentment or concern, but at this particular moment, when it was truly vital to know what was on her mind, she was as blank as a canvas waiting for someone to fill it.
“Is everything okay?” she asked when he didn’t get up or say anything more. She tilted her head in question.
He crossed his arms and stared at the floor. He didn’t know where to start other than to blurt out questions with no couth at all. “I think we need to talk.”
She didn’t respond, and he glanced up at her. She didn’t look happy. In fact, she looked a bit sick to her stomach. Seeing him waiting for her to say something, she asked, “What about?”
“I’m not sure. I guess that’s why we need to talk.” She looked as confused as he felt. “Zoe, I keep warning you I’m not good with women. I don’t know how to read you, and I don’t know what you want from me. I’m not going to say you’re sending mixed signals because that’s not fair. You can be attracted to someone and not want anything to do with them beyond that. But I’d like to know if you’re interested in more than just kissing me on occasion.”
She stared at him, and Noah wasn’t sure she was breathing. Her eyes showed pain, and he instantly wanted to take the question back, if it would keep her from hurting. But he’d already asked it, so he was going to sit quietly until he got the answer he was looking for.
“I am,” she said finally. Two simple words, and yet, they were going to change everything. Or maybe, they wouldn’t. Noah had guessed she was interested, but that didn’t mean she wanted to pursue it. Admitting her feelings wasn’t the same as giving into them.
In a grisly tone, he asked, “Are we going to?”
She threw her hands up in the air, looking defeated. “I don’t know, Noah. You and I both know how bad things turn out for most people, and I don’t want to risk losing what we have. Besides, you’re as convinced as I am that it’s a bad idea. Aren’t you?”
He had been. Now, it was time to be honest, with himself and with Zoe. “Not anymore.”
She gaped at him. “Are you serious?”
He stood and took the two steps to close the gap between them. “I’m dead serious, Zoe. I never thought I’d want to try. But I know how happy my mama was before my father died. She still talks about it. And I know how happy I am when you’re around. I think about you constantly. Tell me you don’t think about me.”
She shook her head. “Does it matter?” she asked in a small voice that trembled. He heard the short breaths and could almost feel her heart racing.
Noah would have said no, it didn’t matter, just a couple of weeks ago. But things were different. “I used to think it didn’t. But there are exceptions to every rule. Maybe we’re the exception, Zoe. And maybe the fact that we’ve been cautious for so long is what threw us together because we actually have a chance of beating the odds.”
She didn’t answer, and Noah took a chance. He placed his palm on her cheek, ran the pad of his thumb over those full, inviting lips. “There’s never been anyone I thought I’d risk losing my heart for, but you make me think twice. And since neither of us wants to get hurt, we’ll both be more aware of how we’re affecting each other. If you can tell me that’s not what you want, right now, then look into my eyes and say it, and I’ll never say anything again.”
Her lips parted, but she didn’t make a move to speak. She didn’t pull away, and as she locked gazes with him, her eyes were pools of liquid, like they were filled with unshed tears. Her bottom lip quivered as she whispered, “I’m scared, Noah.”
He smiled at her, but there was no humor in it. “So am I. You have no idea. But what good is life if we hide from everything that scares us?” He meant it to be a lesson for himself as much as to convince her that just maybe this thing they felt for each other was worth fighting for.
Zoe took a shuddering breath and squared her shoulders, and then she gave a short surprised laugh. “This is new territory for me. I don’t know what to do now.”
“Me, either.” This time, Noah smiled brightly, his chest filling with hope and joy as much as fear and longing. “But I think we can stumble along together and find our way. The blind leading the blind, right?” She nodded, and Noah dipped his head, this time pressing a gentle, sweet kiss to her lips. They would take it slow, and make sure they didn’t make the mistakes everyone else did.
18
The rest of the afternoon felt so much the same and yet so different to Zoe. Admittedly, she was giddy and nervous and thoughtful, and none of that blended well. But working on the paintings wasn’t any different. They had the same camaraderie as before, a quiet companionship with Noah asking for comments and suggestions. The biggest difference was that, with their decision to see where things went naturally rather than try to deny their basic inclinations, she decided to show him the project she’d been working on.
He was impressed with the portrait, but more than that, he was honored. “I don’t think anyone’s ever considered me worthy of painting.”
Blushing, she told him, “Painting, photographing, sculpting. Come on, Noah. You know you’re sexy, right?” It had made him blush, and he dropped the subject, simply squeezing her with an arm around her shoulders and moving on to his own project.
And something else was different. Zoe didn’t feel the heavy burden of tension in the atmosphere, of all the things they hadn’t said to each other. She was sure Noah had more to say because so did she, but it didn’t feel oppressive anymore, now that they weren’t weighed down with emotions they felt the need to hide from each other. Everything else would come with time, she realized.
From this perspective, she thought maybe her parents had failed to communicate, and had probably moved too fast. Sure, there was an instant attraction and some sort of connection that she felt toward Noah, and they hadn’t known each other very long. But neither was jumping
in headfirst. They’d both held out until they were sure they had feelings for each other. And now, they were willing to take their time and explore each other, truly getting to know everything about each other so they could proceed with caution and assure that they were making the right decision.
Communication would be essential to that, and so would knowing more about herself, Zoe realized. She couldn’t delude herself into believing that she was a lone wayward soul who didn’t belong with anyone, not anymore. She truly thought she might actually belong with Noah, and she had to figure out who she was beneath the shell she’d built for herself. And then, she’d have to share that person wholly with him, holding nothing back. She had to hope that he was willing to do the same, and she believed he would. After all, he hadn’t really hidden anything from her, even when she refused to recognize what was building between them.
Saying goodbye when she went home was definitely different, though. She was reluctant to leave, and she was even more terrified of staying. Zoe had a lot of physical urges she wanted to fulfill, but she didn’t dare move that fast. And no matter what kind of gentleman Noah was, she didn’t want to risk losing the respect he so generously offered her because she acted like some wanton, lonely, desperate woman.
So, she tentatively kissed him, which became a heated, passionate whirlwind of emotion that pulled them tighter together before thrusting them apart. She cleared her throat and flushed with a shy smile, and Noah eased the moment by embracing her and kissing the top of her head. “Text or call when you get home so I know you made it safe.”
He’d explained what happened to his father, so she was diligent about texting him when she reached her apartment. She considered saying more, some kind of admission of emotions, but she settled for Xs and Os instead. It was a little childish, but it got a point across without taking it too far. And when he replied with the same, she giggled like a schoolgirl.
She hesitated to call Tracy, not wanting to hear an “I told you so,” but by the time she’d tidied up the small space and put a mini-lasagna in the oven to bake, Zoe knew she had to call. Otherwise, Tracy would get that niggling feeling that something had happened and call. Then, Zoe would get the gloating as well as an earful about not calling right away. So, she convinced herself to curl up on the corner of the couch with a soda while she waited for her food and dial her best friend’s number.
It took half an hour to explain everything, since she had to start back a week or so. She hadn’t talked to Tracy in a while—which her friend readily reminded her—and she had to catch her up. The oven timer sounded, and she took a second to get the dish out and set it on the stove to cool, and then she finished her tale. “So, basically, we’re both treading lightly. He’s no more comfortable with this than I am, but there’s something that keeps drawing us together, and no amount of logic seems to help.”
Tracy didn’t say anything for a minute, and Zoe bit her lip. Her friend had remained unusually quiet throughout the entire call, and Zoe felt like she’d had verbal diarrhea, spilling everything. She didn’t know how to take the radio silence, and she grew nervous, deciding to cut herself a bit of the lasagna to pick at, a habit she had that helped settle her anxiety at times like this.
Eventually, Tracy said, “This is a big deal, isn’t it?”
Zoe started to deny it. No, it’s just a casual thing, testing the waters. But that was a lie so blatant it would offend Tracy. “Yes,” she said simply.
“I’m proud of you,” Tracy replied in a somber voice. “I know how terrified you must be, but you’ve made the right choice.”
“You think so?” Zoe still wasn’t sure herself.
“I know so. Zoe, the way you talk about this guy, I can’t imagine it being harder to be together than it has been to stay apart. I think he’s the one for you. And I would love to meet him.”
That set off alarms in her head. Zoe wasn’t ready to start sharing Noah with anyone, especially her spunky, adorable friend with the bouncing blond hair and bright blue eyes. “That’s a bit further than I’m ready to go,” she muttered, wanting to be honest without offending Tracy.
“I get that. But I have a feeling this is going to last, and when you’re ready, I’m going to be on the road to your place right away.” She paused and added, “And for the record, I have no interest in anyone you actually care about, okay? I can tone down the flirting when I need to.”
Zoe laughed. Her friend was a natural flirt, which is why she always had men draped all over her. “I know. I trust you.” And she had to trust Noah. He was a loyal guy, as far as she could tell. Unfortunately, from what she’d seen, men were bred to sow their wild oats, and no man was perfect in that aspect, even the most gentlemanly, caring men. She didn’t know what to think about Noah. He’d said he dated in high school and he’d hardly even kissed a girl. But she hadn’t asked about sex and hadn’t questioned if he’d dated since graduation. There were plenty of years unaccounted for in his admission, and she had a hard time believing any man would abstain from sex for that long. What if he found another woman attractive? And what if he wanted to get physically involved before she was ready?
There were so many questions up in the air she didn’t know where to begin. “Trust yourself, Zoe,” Tracy said, as if reading her thoughts. “No matter how many times you’ve told yourself you don’t want to fall in love, deep down inside you know what’s best for you. And you know how to make things work. You just have to find that reserve of strength that goes beyond what you’ve used to be alone for this long and apply it to making your relationship strong.”
Zoe nodded, realized Tracy couldn’t see that, and said, “You’re right. I know how to communicate, too, and even if I can’t find the right words, I can say what I need to through my art. Noah understands art well enough to get what I’m trying to say if it comes to that.”
“See? You’re already taking steps to figure it out.” Tracy laughed. “What’s this guy’s mother going to say? Isn’t she the one who tried to set you up in the first place?”
Fear seized Zoe’s lungs, and she froze. “You don’t think he’s doing this just to make his mother happy, do you? I mean, he’s so committed to making her happy, I wouldn’t put it past him to go this far.”
“No way,” Tracy said, sounding absolutely certain. “If that’s what he was doing, he would have tried to talk you into it long ago. Like, at Sunday dinner. He held out because he was just as scared as you are, and if he’s decided to face that fear now when he wouldn’t before, it has nothing to do with being a mama’s boy.”
That settled her somewhat, but she still wondered. “Honestly, though, Arlene would be thrilled, but I’m not sure if he wants to tell her. Knowing her, she’s going to want to start planning a wedding and naming grandchildren. I love her to death, and she’s a wonderful woman with a heart of gold. But she’s desperate to see her son happily married. It might be better to wait until we’re a little more confident in what we’re doing.”
“You know, mothers have a certain intuition about things like that. I have a feeling that when you get to class on Tuesday, she’s going to see right through it if you try to hide it. But I understand what you mean.”
Maybe most mothers had that kind of sixth sense, but Zoe’s mother certainly didn’t. Jennifer Hartman didn’t seem to see past the end of her nose sometimes, and that coupled with the divorce had made the relationship between mother and daughter strained. Zoe rarely talked to her or her father, and she was usually happier when she hadn’t caught up with either of them. Arlene likely knew her son well enough to figure things out, but she also knew how against relationships he was, so hopefully she wouldn’t say anything or push for something neither Noah nor Zoe was ready for if they didn’t announce that they were officially seeing each other.
“We’ll see how it goes, I guess,” she said to Tracy. Then, feeling insecure, she asked, “Is it supposed to be this confusing?”
Tracy laughed loudly, and Zoe could picture her throwing
her head back and holding her stomach. “No one ever said being in love was easy. My mother says that marriage is always a work in progress, and that’s what keeps it solid. Being in love is hard, mostly because it’s confusing and gives you anxiety and sometimes hurts, even when it’s good. But it’s all worth it in the end, I think. Oh, I wish I could meet someone that I want to talk about the way you talk about Noah. Maybe the fact that the stars have finally aligned for you means my guy is right around the corner.”
“I’ll send out an affirmation for you,” Zoe told her. They said their goodbyes, and Zoe dug into her food, suddenly ravenous. She wasn’t quite so anxious now, but she still worried. So much could go wrong, and she didn’t want anything to happen that would drive a wedge between her and Noah. Their friendship had been so good. She only hoped that, if something did make them decide not to pursue a long-term relationship, they wouldn’t lose that closeness they’d had so far.
19
Noah frowned as he pulled up to the studio, his mother pouting in the passenger seat. “I feel like you’ve been ignoring me, sweetheart. You didn’t call me at all on Saturday, and I thought you might drop by yesterday, but I barely even got to talk to you on the phone. Is something wrong?”
This was not a conversation he wanted to have, especially since he’d looked forward to coming to class tonight. Sunday, he’d met Zoe here to return all the things she’d brought to his house on Saturday, and they’d grabbed some lunch down the street and brought it back to eat in private. They’d talked a lot, but they’d avoided a great deal of intimacy. Noah didn’t know exactly what Zoe’s reasons were, but his were pure. He knew that, if he kept diving in for a kiss, there would come a point that he wouldn’t stop there, and neither of them was ready to take things to the next level. They were both still too skittish.
He’d called Arlene on his way home, making sure he gave her some attention before she started complaining. Apparently, it hadn’t been enough. Now, he felt guilty, and that was going to cast a dark cloud over the entire evening if he didn’t find a way to explain his lack of contact, apologize, and make up for it. He’d thought about dropping his mother at home after class and coming back to have a late dinner with Zoe, but that wasn’t going to happen now.
Like A Cowboy (Wild At Heart Cowboys Book 1) Page 9
