I hit the print button, save the document, and slide the laptop back under my bed. I hurry up, gathering a few items around my room and run downstairs to retrieve the paper from my parent’s printer. Then I lock up the house and run across the street to Cole’s.
I know from my frequent visits over here that he has a bad habit of leaving his back door unlocked. I push at the door and it slides right open. I don’t know when he is going to come back so I hurry over to the stairs and leave the ‘weird happenings’ evidence sheet on the bottom step. Then, I proceed up the stairs to his bedroom. I’m going to wait him out; even if it takes all night for him to ‘talk’ to someone and come back. I will wait for as long as it takes. I’ll wait forever.
*
It feels like I do wait forever. I waited so long that I fell asleep, which is why I planned on waiting in his bedroom. Last thing I remember was looking at the clock to see that it was after two o’clock in the morning. If he had gone back to the Homecoming dance he would have been there till about eleven. That left him with three hours to go ‘talk’ to someone. What if he didn’t ever come back? What if Ollie or Samson or whoever he is scared him off? These thoughts haunt me as I wait for him and finally fall asleep.
When I wake up it’s to a voice talking to me softly. Calling my name. I open my eyes and notice its pitch black in the room. I thought the light had been on when I fell asleep? I look around and notice a dark figure standing by the bedroom door.
“Cole?” My voice is weak from sleep. I feel a stab of fear that the figure is not Cole. Why is he just standing there?
The figure starts walking towards me and I breathe a sigh of relief that it is him. He comes over and kneels on the side of the bed. His hand comes up to stroke my face and hair.
“Under any other circumstances I would have been so happy to come home and find you in my bed,” he says softly to me. There is a longing in his voice and deep sadness. He’s not looking forward to this conversation.
We stay still for awhile, just looking into each other’s eyes through the darkness. I don’t know what he is going to tell but I’m ready and strong enough for the worse, since it’s already what I am expecting, even as crazy as it is to believe. Though, if I’m honest with myself, I’ve always believed. I’ve believed in every impossibility.
The silence between us grows as neither of us wants to be the first one to speak. I know he’s afraid I’ll be mad at him for what he is going to tell me. He’s trying to delay the inevitable for as long as possible.
I finally cave first, wanting him to know that I’m not going to be mad at him. I don’t speak but I pull on his arm to pull him into the bed with me. He doesn’t give in to me. Instead he does the opposite. He gets up and turns around, walking away from the bed. I sit up onto my knees and wait for him to speak. I feel that he’s ready too.
“With everything you think you know,” he pauses and shakes his head. “Or maybe you do know.” He pauses again and takes a deep breath. “You being here, right now… does this mean you can forgive me?”
“Yes,” I whisper the word to him because he has been keeping his voice at a whisper too.
“How?” He turns back to me and his eyes are pleading but full of sorrow.
There is a main reason ‘how’ but I’m not going to tell him that, yet. “Because if you ever meant to hurt me, you’ve had more than enough opportunities to do it. Because I can see that you are remorseful. And because…” I pause, having to swallow the lump that got stuck in my throat. I can’t say it. I can’t tell him. But he can read it in my eyes.
He walks over slowly, hesitantly, covering the few steps that separate us. I look up at him and he urges me to continue my sentence, “Because?” I notice his eyes are beseeching me, begging me to tell him. It causes an instinct that makes my eyes water.
I can’t say it, so I tell him something else that has already been said tonight. “Because you told Ollie that you loved me.” I drop my head down. Embarrassed to have said it out loud, but still it’s not as embarrassing as what I wanted to say.
He puts his arms around me, still hesitating, waiting to see if I will push him away. I throw my arms around his middle and let the tears spill over.
“I do love you.” I finally hear him tell me. It makes me laugh, filling me with such happiness and joy. I squeeze him tighter and then let go to get higher ground on him, sitting up higher on my knees to kiss him.
And now, the words that were so hard to say earlier. The words that, before, were frightening to say, come out so freely. “I love you.”
He kisses me again, deeper, longer, with more urgency, more passion, more abandon than ever before. He breaks away from the kiss to ask me, “how?”
“I’ve already told you,” I tell him. “For the same reasons I can forgive you. For this.” And I kiss him again so he can feel my love.
He breaks away from me, again. And I feel scorned. He holds me at arm’s length and starts talking, again. “But, you don’t know all of it. You don’t know why and I need you to hear the whole story, everything, before you can say you love me.”
He looks so sad, so torn. Wanting to tell me but not wanting to, in fear of losing me. But I know enough and I tell him so. “I know the worse. And I know that no matter how bad it is, I can’t stop the feelings I have for you. So it doesn’t matter. If it is worse, then what?” I shrug my shoulders. “I get mad at you, don’t want to see you, speak to you, but still have the ache in my heart that happens when I’m not with you. I walk around an empty shell, missing you like hell.” I shut up quickly. Maybe that was the wrong choice of words. If he is from hell then I’m sure he doesn’t miss it. Who would?
He starts to speak again, “But, Alexis…”
“Not tonight,” I cut him off. “Tonight, I just want to be with you. Pretend. Pretend that these weren’t ‘other circumstances.’ Pretend it’s another day and I was waiting for you to come home.”
I hold his gaze and start to unzip the side of my dress. I felt so brave when I was just speaking to him, when I slept in his bed, when I decided to come over here tonight, I knew my plan from the beginning and I did not once feel fear. But now I’m scared. I’m self-conscious. I’m nervous. I’m afraid he will reject me. I’m afraid he’ll turn me down. I’m afraid he’ll leave in the morning and never come back.
I slide off the bed and slip the dress off my body, letting it pool around my feet on the floor. I want to cover my body with my hands but I keep them firmly by my side. I hold my breath and count the seconds that are passing. Wondering again if he is going to deny me. I continue to stare into his eyes, watching him take in all of me.
The seconds are still passing… fifteen, sixteen, seventeen… I can hear the words ‘I can’t’ come into my mind. It makes me want to cry. I can hear all the different ways he could reject me, make me feel ashamed. My face starts to burn with a flush that is creeping up.
Twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five... My legs are starting to shake from the anxiety of standing here exposed. Twenty-nine, thirty…
“You’re the most beautiful being I’ve ever seen.” Relief sinks through me, making me sigh as my legs start to give out. Cole swiftly comes over and picks me up into his arms. My legs are still shaking even though they are draped over his arm and no longer trying to hold me up. In fact my whole body seems to be shaking now.
“Lexi. You don’t have to do this if you’re not ready,” he tells me soothingly.
“No, I want to. I’m just nervous that you’ll reject me,” I admit. But even though he doesn’t seem to be rejecting me, I’m still shaking like crazy.
He lays me on the bed and looks into my face. “Are you sure? Are you one hundred percent positive?” There is nothing but concern on his face and I’m so mad at my body for ruining the moment.
“Yes,” I say and gently grab the back of his head to pull his head towards mine. I kiss him with trembling lips that feel stronger the longer I kiss him. I take a deep breath into the kiss to c
alm myself.
He pulls away from me and holds my gaze as he promises me, “I’ll be right back. I’m going to get you something to calm your nerves. But if you change your mind while I’m gone, I’ll understand.”
“No,” I whine. “Don’t go” But my attempt is futile. He’s already moving towards the door.
I sit up and grab a pillow to cover myself with, cursing my stupid, naïve self the whole one minute that he’s gone. My anger is making me calm down. He comes back in slowly, reassessing the situation to make sure I didn’t change my mind. He brings me the glass of wine I knew he would get and hands it to me. He sets down the bottle he brought up on the nightstand and sits down next to me.
I chug the glass and feel its calming properties instantly wash over me. I set it down next to the bottle and move over to him, still a little shaky but nowhere like before. Now I just feel weak from the trauma of the shaking. I move across his body and straddle him. Taking his head into my hands and kiss him, my fingers getting lost in his curls, their favorite place to be.
We move right past the awkward moment and into how it should have been. His hands are exploring my naked back, moving ever so slowly, caressing my sides. My mouth works feverishly against his. My hands slowly work their way over his chest, grabbing his vest to remove it and then they work upwards to undo the buttons of his shirt and slip it off him, momentarily breaking our kiss.
He takes the opportunity to start kissing my neck, my collarbone, working his way down as he lays me on the bed and hovers over me. His hands never stop exploring, they work their way up and down my body. My whole body is tingling with the pleasure his kisses and soft caresses bring.
How could anything be evil if they are filled with so much love and tenderness? I wonder.
My hands roam his chest and stomach, memorizing every contour of his body. They work their way farther down to his waist band, fumbling with the belt and the button and zipper. He reaches down and helps my trembling fingers, pulling his pants off to assist even further.
He takes my hands in one of his large ones and holds them above my head. He kisses each of my fingers before kissing my palms and working his way down my arms.
He stops and lingers over me. Staring into my eyes like he’s trying to gage any weakness in me. Waiting to see if I scream ‘mercy’ like I do when he tickles me but I just gaze back at him trying to send my love to him telepathically, hoping it is seen in my eyes. He must see something there because he lets go of my hands and kisses me on the lips. He reaches down and joins us together tenderly. My body naturally responds to his as our bodies move together in rising and falling waves of euphoria.
*
When the sea stills I want to cry, it’s so perfect. A few tears escape the sides of my eyes and he kisses them away. He kisses my lips to share the taste of my salty tears.
“Are you okay?” he whispers against my mouth that can’t get enough of him. He probably assumes my tears are for regret.
“Very,” I respond and pull him down to feel his entire weight resting on mine. His head rests on my chest and I play with his curls as I start to feel more relaxed than I ever have. “I know the deeper meaning to your name,” I admit to him in a whisper. “And I choose to believe it means you are coming into the light and not fading into the darkness. That’s how I know you are good.”
We lay there for what feels like an eternity without speaking again. I start to think he fell asleep but then he leans up to look into my face. “You’re right about me. You pegged me dead on.”
“What do you mean?”
“My name. I chose it,” he admits. “Well, the first name you know me as. Cole. I chose it many years ago but not exactly for the reason you described. It was more for… enlightenment. I was in the dark but I rose from it. I found out the truth.” He leaves it at that and I’m glad. I don’t want to hear the whole story. Not tonight. Tonight is about us. Right here. Right now. We’ll save the rest for tomorrow.
There is so much lightness to his personality now. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders. Which it has. He seems excited, happy.
He rolls over off me and the bed and goes to his dresser to grab a pair of pajama pants. His bare bottom shining through the light coming into the room from the window. I watch him slip the pants on and a grin sneaks onto my face as I remember all the times I grabbed that butt tonight. He grabs a tee-shirt and comes over to the bed to hand it to me.
“Thank you,” I say as I sit up and slip it on. I can’t believe how silly I feel. I’m so happy to be wearing one of his shirts. I’m becoming one of those girls that have a collection of their boyfriend’s shirts to wear at night.
He pours another glass of wine and takes a sip of it before passing it to me. I sip some of the wine while he crawls back into bed with me. I hand him the glass but he just reaches across me and sets it back on the table. His arm comes back and pulls me to him on its way. I settle comfortably against his chest, molding perfectly into his body. Just like before, I try not to giggle.
“What’s so funny,” Cole asks with a smile in his voice.
“Nothing. I’m just so…happy!” I blurt out and giggle again.
He laughs out loud and pulls me tightly to him. “Me too. More than I’ve ever been. More than I can express with words.”
“You don’t need words.” I move to nip at his earlobe and he’s quick to pin me back down against the bed to start expressing his love again.
Chapter 13
The next morning I wake up feeling deliciously satisfied. My whole body feels like an electric wire, humming from the inside. I know my legs are going to shake when I stand up, but this morning it won’t be from an anxiety attack. I look over at Cole lying beside me. He’s still asleep. He looks so peaceful and young. I wonder how old he really is.
I watch him sleep for another hour before his body starts to stir. His arms reaching across the bed trying to find me. I play a little game with him and pull away before his hands can find me. His eyes dart open with alarm and I can’t help but laugh.
“S’not funny,” he says sleepily and moves over to trap me in his arms. I lean up on my elbows to look down at his face. His eyes closed again. I pull a lock of my hair out and tease his face with it, stroking his closed eyes and running it down his cheek. “Mmm.” He leans into my hair, liking the feel of it against his face. I lean over some more to plant a kiss on his lips and he automatically responds. “I’m up. I’m up,” he cries but his eyes stay shut.
I laugh at him. “You’re so cute in the morning,” I coo at him.
He opens his eyes and smiles at me. “So are you. Are you always a morning person?”
I think about it. “Not really. I don’t like waking up. But this is very, very nice.” I peck his lips again and then lick my lips to savor the sweet deliciousness of him. “I need a shower,” I proclaim. I get out of bed and start to put on the clothes I had the good sense to bring over last night. Even if nothing happened, I still didn’t want to go home in the dress I wore last night. What would the neighbors think?
“What are you doing? I thought you were going to take a shower?” I must have a confused look on my face because then he tells me, “You don’t have to go home to shower. I don’t want you to leave. Take one here.”
“Okay.” I feel like an idiot because I never even thought about it. I head into his massive bathroom and shut the door. I go over to turn the shower on and then I check out his toiletries while I wait for the shower to heat up. He has everything I need, body soap, shampoo, conditioner. I check them off in my mind.
I step into the shower and start soaking my body. The water feels so good as it cleanses my body. I let it just beat onto my head and face while I think about the night before. I can’t help the little smile that plays on my lips.
Last night was so amazing and I know everything I find out today won’t change anything between Cole and me. I might be thinking irrationally but love is irrational. I think about the women in
the world who still love their husbands even after they beat them. Am I like that? Cole hasn’t inflicted pain physically but isn’t him lying to me for so long an emotional pain? Shouldn’t it bother me? It does but not enough.
What is Alex going to say when I explain it to him? He won’t make sense of it. He will be in denial. He’s too logical and all this is too unsound, too irrational. There is no scientific explanation for him to research. I don’t even know how to tell him without him convincing our parents to commit me. I smile at that last thought, remembering how at first I thought I would have to commit myself.
When I was a little girl I dreamed that I discovered an unknown island that held everything magical in the world. There were beautiful white unicorns, glimmering in the sunlight. Handsome and stunning centaurs walking amongst old and majestic trees that could speak and move. Fairies everywhere fluttering on the currents of the air above my head. Woodland nymphs, elves, intelligent animals, singing flowers and magical, magnificent personages that ruled them all, who came down from the clouds in rays of light. Disney’s Fantasia here on Earth.
I loved that dream. I would think about it every day, not being able to wait until I grew up and could explore the seas in search of it. But as I grew older reality sank in and I believed less and less. But now I can’t help thinking it might be real after all. If Cole is real and Ollie and Edmund, then someday…
I laugh out loud at my thoughts and then quickly open my eyes and look to the closed bathroom door, cursing myself that Cole might have heard me and is wondering what could be so funny in the shower. I hope he doesn’t think I’m laughing at him. That would be embarrassing.
I turn the water off and step out of the shower. His towels are so soft and I notice they smell just like him. I quickly dry off and wrap my hair in a towel before I notice I didn’t bring my bag of clothes and toiletries into the bathroom. I thank myself again for having the foresight to bring some things.
Lunangelique (The Lunangelique Series) Page 13
