“Look, they come and go. I hadn’t had one in a while, but lately…”
“What are they about?”
He gave me a wry smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Prison, of course.”
“Specifically?” I insisted.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I’m not leaving until you do.”
Logan sighed heavily. “Why are you even here?”
I glowered at him. “Because despite everything, I do care about you. I don’t like the idea of you having nightmares, and talking about them might help make them go away.”
His face softened. “I appreciate that, babe, but I don’t think this can be as easily solved as all that.”
“At least try.”
“I’m in a tiny dark room,” he said abruptly. “There’s absolutely no space for me to stretch out. I’m curled up in it just to fit. Yet somehow, magically,” he said with dry disgust, “there’s room for feet to kick at me, knives to stab at me… faces to…” His eyes lowered, the muscle in his jaw clenching.
“Faces, Logan?” I pushed.
When he looked up at me, his eyes were blazing with turmoil. “I let shit happen in there that I shouldn’t have, Grace.”
Hearing so much pain in his voice was unbearable for me. I reached for his hand and threaded my fingers through his. His grip tightened around it. “There’s something in particular,” I deduced softly. “Something haunting you.”
He scowled at the wall.
After what seemed like forever, he finally began to speak. “There was a kid. Nineteen. Stupid, cocky little kid. But he wasn’t a bad kid. I know bad. It seeps out of them. You feel it in the air around them, something heavy and dark that creeps over you and makes you shudder like someone is walking over your grave.
“Not this kid. It was all bravado. Got himself thrown inside for being an accomplice in an armed robbery. He used to swagger around, trying to convince everyone this was where he belonged, but he was scared and you could fucking smell it on him. Like blood in shark-infested waters.”
I felt a little sick just imagining where this was going. “What was his name?”
“Danny,” he said, his voice hoarse. “Danny Little. Tried to get every fucker in the place to call him the wee man. I tried to tell him he was pushing too hard, pissing the guys off…”
“Was he your friend?”
Logan frowned. “I think I was his. He told me everything about himself. About his mum and his wee sister. How he was just trying to take care of them, make life better for them since their old man had passed away. A fucking cliché of tragedy, this kid.
“Just a kid, Grace. I should have protected him.”
The agony in his voice brought tears to my eyes. “Logan…” It almost sounded like a plea.
He turned to me, guilt written all over him. “I knew they were circling. I didn’t do enough. They got to him… kept threatening to rape him. I told him it was just a bullying tactic, but they tormented him with the threat until they attacked him. They didn’t rape him, but they promised him that they would next time. I just told him to keep strong, that they were bluffing, toying with him. I wasn’t… I didn’t do enough.”
I felt sick. My hand tightened in his in reaction.
“He killed himself a few days later. Stole a shank from someone. Slit his wrists at night in his cell.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered around the lump in my throat.
“I could have done something.” His hand was holding mine so tight now it was almost painful. “I…”
“You are not to blame for what happened to him.”
“Those words mean nothing to his family. If it were your son… those words would mean nothing to you.”
I couldn’t say anything because as much as I didn’t believe he was to blame, I knew he was also right. “You take too much upon yourself.” I brushed my thumb over the back of his hand in comfort. “All you see is the bad when there is so much good.”
He turned his head to stare at me, his eyes on mine before moving across my face, caressing my mouth and traveling back up to my eyes again. There was such tenderness in his expression it made me a little breathless. “Sometimes it’s hard to believe you’re real.”
Suddenly feeling like we were venturing into dangerous territory, I loosened my grip on his hand and pulled away a little.
Tightness appeared around his eyes at my withdrawal. “I’m a selfish bastard.”
I shook my head.
“I’m a selfish bastard,” he insisted gruffly. “I want to bury myself inside you, and I’m not sure I can keep holding myself back from doing it.”
My breath caught at his confession, and I couldn’t ignore the burst of aroused tingles between my legs. But I could run from them. I sat up, prepared to do just that. “I told you I don’t do casual sex.”
He sat up, too, now. “Grace, there is nothing fucking casual about how I feel about you.”
Suddenly all my sympathy was crushed beneath my anger. “You have a funny way of showing it.”
“It didn’t seem fair.”
“What?” I asked, completely confused.
His brows dipped together in consternation. “I got out of prison and I had these great people willing to help me. And if that wasn’t enough, I got Maia. My kid could have been anyone, Grace… But it wasn’t anyone. It was Maia. Funny, smart, sweet, beautiful. My kid. A kid with so much will and determination she adjusted to life with me in weeks. There is so much to be proud of there.”
“And you think you don’t deserve her?”
“I know I don’t. But I could handle it because there was one thing I couldn’t have and it made me feel like there was a balance.”
My heart rate increased. “What are you talking about?”
“You.”
I felt the world tilt around me. I wasn’t sure I’d heard right. “Me?”
“The day you told me and Shannon that you didn’t care about my time in prison. You didn’t judge me for it.” He stared at me soulfully. “I wanted you then. But you didn’t look at me the way a woman wants a man. I’m pretty sure all you felt toward me was annoyance. And that worked for me because I didn’t deserve someone like you. Later, when I started to realize you were as attracted to me as I was to you, I buried it. And after we had sex, it wasn’t just about Maia. If I got to have you and have Maia… It was too much – much more than I deserved.”
“I was a form of self-flagellation.” I looked away. “You hurt me to hurt yourself. Is that what you’re saying?”
“It sounds fucked-up when you say it.”
“That’s because it is fucked-up.” I swung my legs off the bed and stared hard at the wall. “You should see someone, Logan. Talk to them.”
“You mean a therapist?” He sounded incredulous.
“Yes. I used to see one. It helped.”
“I’m not the talking-it-out kind of guy.”
“You’re talking to me.” I glanced over my shoulder at him.
He gave me a sad smile. “Because you’re Grace. You’re the only one I talk to like this.”
Tears pricked my eyes and I looked away.
The bed shifted, and I felt the heat of him at my back. I shivered at the feel of his breath on my neck as he brushed my hair out of the way with one hand and wrapped his other arm around my waist, bringing me back against his chest. “I don’t want to fight this anymore. I’m so fucking tired of fighting.” He pressed a kiss to my neck, and I squeezed my eyes shut. He might have been tired of fighting, but I wasn’t.
He’d hurt me so badly.
Just like my family.
Until now I didn’t even realize how bloody angry I was with him.
“I’ll talk to Maia,” he said softly in my ear. “I can make this work and still focus on her.”
“Maia wants us to be together,” I told him flatly. “She’s been trying to push us together from the start.”
Logan tensed. “You’re joking?”
“Nope. I guessed as much after the night we dragged her home from the club. She’s admitted it to me.”
He pressed his forehead against my shoulder. “Are you telling me all the huffy shit she pulled wasn’t about other women – it was about the fact that the other women weren’t you?” I could hear the rumble of amusement in his voice, and I willed my body to stop reacting to it.
“Yes.”
He chuckled and pulled me against him, his fingers slipping under the hem of my T-shirt. “My girl has got good taste.”
I jerked out of his arms, pushing myself off the bed. I turned to stare down at him incredulously. “Do you think that’s it? All you have to do is say you want me and I’ll come running?”
Logan frowned. “That’s not… I’m just trying to be honest.”
“You rejected me, Logan,” I whispered, feeling the pain of it all over again. “When I was at my most vulnerable. I know right now you’re feeling a shitload of guilt over things that you couldn’t control, and I’m sorry for that because I don’t believe that you deserve to feel guilt over that. But this” – I gestured between us – “it’s not happening. You humiliated me.”
He pushed the duvet away to get out of the bed, and I backed up as he came toward me. I slammed up against the wall as he pressed his hands to either side of my head, caging me in. His chest moved up and down with his rapid breaths. “I never meant to hurt you, babe,” he promised, his voice deep with sincerity. “I thought I was protecting you.”
“From what?”
“From ending up with someone like me.”
I shook my head, looking away so I didn’t have to see all the self-recrimination and pain in his eyes. It always called to me. It always begged me to soothe him, and I wasn’t sure I could fight the need to do it.
“Do you know how fucking beautiful you are?” he whispered, pressing his cheek against mine, his stubble prickling my skin in a way that sent delicious shivers rippling through me. “And I don’t just mean this.” He slid a hand up my waist, his thumb brushing the underside of my breast. My nipples tightened, my body betraying me. He pulled back and tipped my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. I sucked in my breath at the need in his eyes. “You are the kindest, funniest, most compassionate woman I have ever known. The fact that you’re gorgeous and the classiest fucking woman I’ve ever met just makes it harder not to want you. And I want you, Grace. Never doubt that I have wanted you since the moment you snapped at me about that thong.” He came closer, his lips almost touching mine. “And I’ve needed you since the moment you took my hand at Maryanne’s.”
“Logan…” I shook my head. “I can’t. I can’t… I… I don’t trust you anymore. Not with me.”
He squeezed his eyes closed, pain tightening his face. “Don’t say that.”
I almost whimpered at the hurt plea. “I can’t help it.”
When he opened his eyes, I saw the panic in his eyes melt suddenly, only to have determination take its place. “I’m going to make this right.”
“Logan, please… Let’s just forget it.”
We stared into each other’s eyes, the air between us thick with emotion and arousal. His hand slid down my waist and his grip hardened. He brushed his lips over mine, causing my mouth to tingle. Finally he responded with one word that sent shivers cascading down my spine.
“Never.”
CHAPTER 19
T
here was no mistaking the determination in Logan’s eyes when I shot one last glance over my shoulder before fleeing inside my flat. I’d hurried out of his flat only to find he’d followed me. He stood in his doorway, saying nothing because his eyes said everything.
Logan MacLeod wanted me.
Logan MacLeod was determined to have me.
I’d slammed my door shut behind me with the hope of slamming that look behind me as well. But I couldn’t shake his expression from my mind. There was a part of me that was thrilled. It would be foolish to deny that I wasn’t. I was only human, and the man I’d previously fallen in love with had told me he’d wanted me all along. There was a triumph in that. However, the triumph was overwhelmed by my fear.
There had been many times in the past when I’d been ready to give up on my hellish family, but then my father, Mr. Neglectful, would suddenly show an interest in me, manipulate me, and I was right back in their fold again. Sometimes I worried that the only reason I’d stayed away from them for so long was because my father had given up on me as much as I’d given up on him and them.
I didn’t want this situation with Logan to be another example of my weakness. The man had hurt me more than I thought it was possible to be hurt. Just because he suddenly showed interest in me didn’t mean I should run right back into his arms. As much as he claimed to want me now, I had to wonder if I was just a balm for his own fear. I had been there to help him through a tough time in his life. I feared he was confusing gratitude for something more, and that when he finally realized I really wasn’t his type after all, my heart would be crushed into dust.
But was that my insecurities talking? Perhaps Logan really did have genuine feelings for me.
The fact of the matter was that I couldn’t really know for certain.
“Ask the history teacher out,” Aidan had suggested upon my relating the new development in the Logan and Grace Saga.
“Are you nuts? Say yes! Let that gorgeous man throw you on his bed and have his wicked way with you a million times over.” Chloe had fervently fought in Logan’s corner when I told her.
“Do what makes you happy,” Juno had said sweetly but ever so unhelpfully.
Since my friends’ conflicting advice did nothing to help me, I sought to avoid the matter altogether by joining Shannon, Jo, and Joss for coffee the next afternoon. Shannon turned up covered in paint splatter. She was an art student at Edinburgh College of Art. It was Jo’s day off from working with her uncle Mick in his painting and decorating company, and Joss, as a full-time author, had the flexibility to use her time however she pleased. Elodie was babysitting little Ellie for her.
I met them at Black Medicine, this cool coffee shop in Old Town, and as soon as I saw their concerned faces I wished that I could back up and leave the coffeehouse. It was apparent immediately that they would be no help in my attempt to ignore the Logan situation.
“We just wanted to check in with you,” Shannon said as I took my seat with them. “Joss said you rushed out of her party without saying good-bye, and Logan looked upset. And, of course, he called me.” Her look was pointed.
Taking in their expressions, I just knew it.
Logan had enlisted them.
The bugger.
“Oh dear God.” I let my head fall back as if in supplication to an unmerciful deity. “Why me?”
Joss snorted. “Yeah, doesn’t it suck when gorgeous, funny, loyal Scotsmen fall in love with us?”
I shot her an evil look. “Your sarcasm is unwanted at the moment.”
She grinned. “Maybe I wasn’t being sarcastic. There was a time when I wished Braden would back off.”
Jo shot her a look. “But like Grace, you were in denial. Secretly you wanted him. Obviously.” She pointed to Joss’s wedding rings.
My next glower was directed at Jo. “I’m not in denial. I’m perfectly aware of my feelings for Logan because said feelings were crushed under his big stomping feet not too long ago. Perhaps I just don’t want to repeat the experience.”
Shannon placed a hand on my arm. “Grace, I know my brother. He doesn’t make the same mistake twice. He wouldn’t hurt you again.”
I stared pleadingly at her. “I just wanted a coffee.”
“Well, you’re getting a coffee with a side of lecture,” Joss said.
“You are very lucky I have a fear of confrontation and alienating people I care about.”
Joss considered this and then cocked her head at Jo. “That sounded vaguely confrontational to me – don’t you think?”
Jo nodded solem
nly. “There was definite aggression in her eyes.”
“According to Logan, you have no problem confronting him.” Shannon smirked.
I closed my eyes at their teasing. “There’s no place like home.”
“I think that incantation requires ruby slippers,” Joss said.
I snapped my eyes open. “I shouldn’t make friends with smart women. They’re obnoxious.”
“That was definitely confrontational,” Jo informed Joss.
I immediately got up out of my seat. “If I’m going to sit through an hour of this, I’ll need that bloody coffee.”
By the time I got home my head was ringing with their voices.
“Logan is loyal to a fault. He’ll always have your back.”
“Braden trusts Logan. That says a lot about him; I promise.”
“I’ve never seen Logan so happy as he has been with you. When you’re fighting I know because he’s a broody, snappy bastard. You affect his mood.”
“Oh, that’s when you know a man is in love with you.”
“Give him a chance. Just one more chance.”
“Maia adores you. Doesn’t that count for something too?”
“Just think about it, Grace. Really think about it.”
When I’d gotten up to leave, Joss had taken one look at my deer-in-the-headlights expression and announced ruefully, “I told you we should have gone subtle. She looks like she’s about to upchuck.”
“Ellie said this would work.” Shannon had stared at me nervously.
“And we listened to Ellie, why?” Jo had said, sharing a similar expression.
“Because she’s the best at this cheesy-love stuff,” Joss had replied. “But I’m thinking reverse psychology would have worked better in this case.”
“Okay.” I’d sighed, grabbing my purse. “I am not an experiment in matchmaking. I appreciate the thought and genuine concern behind whatever the hell this was, but my head hurts and I feel a little sick, so I’m going home.”
They had offered me worried, apologetic good-byes, and I’d hurried out of there.
But the damage was done.
They had filled my head with descriptions of Logan’s best qualities, reminding me of all the reasons I had fallen in love with him in the first place. As much as I had grown to care about these women, right then I was irritated with them for making my life just that little bit harder.
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