by H. L. Logan
Ma hesitated, and for a moment I thought I might actually be getting somewhere. “That’s not the one I have,” she finally said. “It was five-two-one-something.”
I let out a sigh. As annoying as it was that she hadn’t bothered to get me the full number, it didn’t matter. I remembered that number as the one Amanda had before her current one.
I’d called both sets of digits today—many times. All I got was a robotic voice announcing the first was out of service, and a similar voice saying the mailbox was full at the second one.
My hope had been that Amanda had been unable to afford her phone plan and had gotten a new number. I couldn’t imagine her being unreachable by phone. She spent about twenty-three hours a day texting and calling. Not overly mature for a twenty-three-year-old, but that was how it was. When she wasn’t gossiping or creating drama, she was squeezing into too-small dresses so she could go out and have what she considered fun with her equally useless friends.
“I already had that number,” I told Ma. “Don’t you know anything else? People she was hanging out with? Anything at all?”
“Last I heard, she was living with that black man in Johnston.”
My mother would never refer to Wesley by his name. And she wonders why Amanda doesn’t want to be in touch with her. Not that I blamed Ma for not wanting to, either—Amanda had more than enough flaws of her own.
Wesley’d actually been good for Amanda. For a while, it seemed like he’d put her on a better path. She’d drank less from what I could tell. Stayed home more. Even got a part-time job for a little while.
They’d split up ages ago. I didn’t know why, just that Amanda had gone back to her old ways. I doubted Amanda was still living anywhere near Wesley. Last I heard, she was in our hometown of Sargasso, but she could’ve been anywhere in the country now.
Gretchen let out a wail, which by this point was sounding more like a squawk. She hadn’t shut up once during our car ride home. I’d had to turn the radio up to the maximum, making me feel like I was about to get arrested for disturbing the peace—and Gretchen was still louder. I’d plugged my ears one-handed as best as I could, then shoved bits of paper in them to block the sound… and still her screams pierced through.
Who would’ve thought an infant who weighed less than some of the textbooks I used could make a sound so damn large?
I gritted my teeth. “You have to help me,” I told Ma. “You hear that, don’t you? I’m about to start banging my head against the wall.”
“I would, but I haven’t heard a word from her in a very long time.”
Gretchen quieted enough for me to hear voices in the background. Soap operas. My mother is having this conversation while she’s watching soap operas.
At least Ma wasn’t watching Springer. Now that would’ve been ironic.
“That’s all I know,” she said.
How did she manage to sound so damn bored? “Don’t you even care that you have a grandchild?” I asked. “Aren’t you at least mildly curious?”
“Of course I am,” she said without changing her tone. “You asked if I knew where Amanda is, and I said no.”
“Fine.” More gritting. My teeth were going to be gone in about a day if this kept up. “Since you care so much, I’ll bring this kid up to your place and you can take care of her while you look for Amanda.”
“I can’t take a baby.” At last I heard some emotion in her voice, a note of panic coming into it. “I’m busy. I have a life.”
“And I don’t?” When she let a moment pass without responding, I went on. “I never asked for this kid, and I have no responsibility for her. None. If I can’t find Amanda, I’m sending her to CPS.”
“You’ll find Amanda, Faye. She’s the mom, and mothers love their babies too much to give them up.”
I snorted. That gave me zero hope, considering who I was talking to. “Just tell me if you hear from Amanda.”
We said our goodbyes and hung up.
I slid an arm under Gretchen’s cloth, holding her closer to me. “Nobody wants you, kid. Nobody.”
Her little face squinched up tight, everything but the downy hairs on her head turning a brighter shade of red than they’d been so far. Her mouth opened again, and I braced myself for yet another yell.
And then the scent drifted up to my nose.
How the hell was I supposed to change a diaper?
3
Jaz
I wasn’t planning to bother Dr. Erwin again. I’d done enough of that yesterday.
But I was dying to know what’d happened with the adorable baby I’d held, and her office was only five minutes out of the way as I walked to the library—okay, ten minutes if you count the round trip.
It wasn’t stalking to stroll by and see if anything was going on. I mean, a tiny bit, but I was doing it out of… concern. For the baby’s welfare. Right, we’d call it that.
Nothing to do with the way I’d been utterly fascinated with Dr. Erwin ever since taking her 201 course three years ago. The solemn professor with the magnetic presence, the one who wrote brilliant analyses of the novels I’d loved for years, the one who’d introduced me to even more literature that had now burned its way into the deepest parts of my soul—she didn’t intrigue me in the slightest.
I definitely wasn’t dying to know what she was like when she wasn’t behind the podium in a five-hundred-person lecture hall. Even over our past couple of meetings, I’d pretty much only seen the same serious, intimidatingly intellectual persona. But that couldn’t be all there was to her.
Did I crave any further peeks into the realities of her life? Nope. Not at all.
So I honestly wasn’t planning to bother Dr. Erwin… but as soon as I took my first step into the humanities building, I heard Gretchen screaming her little head off.
I ran through the halls, not even bothering to look before the hairpin turns. I nearly slammed into a student or two before arriving, panting, at Faye’s door.
“It’s-just-my-niece-she’ll-be-out-of-here-soon-I-promise!” she said in one breath.
Gretchen was still in the pink cloth she’d come in, swaddled up so as to suspend her against Faye’s chest. She only looking more pissed as she looked up from her papers and saw it was me. “Jaz Neeson. What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to check in on you,” I said, hovering in the doorway. “Make sure everything was okay.”
“It’s not.” She threw her pen down, and Gretchen squealed at the top of her lungs.
“Hey, whoa. Want to give her to me for a second?”
Her face darkened, but she undid the knot around her neck. “Sure. If you think you can shut her up, have at it. Don’t think you’re the first, though. Every woman in this building’s already tried and failed. Half of them claim to have special mommy magic, but guess what? It doesn’t exist.”
“They don’t know her like I do.” I circled my arms around Gretchen, sliding into a chair to make her feel safer. “Hey there, gorgeous. You missed your auntie Jaz, huh? I missed you, too, but I’m here now.”
“Auntie Jaz,” Faye scoffed—but she was quiet as I kept whispering to Gretchen until she calmed down. “What’s your secret?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Been told I’m a natural with kids.”
“Hmph.” She tipped her chair back, rubbing a hand over her face as she let out a long exhale. “I apologize if I’m crabby today. Now it’s me who didn’t sleep. She had me up half the night.”
“You said you were going to handle it. I thought you meant you were going to get in touch with her mother.”
“I was.” Faye pursed her lips. “Easier said than done.”
I held Gretchen close, still marveling at her tiny perfection. “How so?”
“I shouldn’t be telling you about this.” She massaged her neck. She was wearing the same shirt as yesterday, I noticed—which might’ve been a turn-off, if it wasn’t still showing that hint of cleavage. Lean a little further…
“It’s
all right,” I said. “If you want to talk about it, or not talk about it… I’m here.”
Tell me everything. Make me your confidant. I want to know every part of your history… not to mention every part of your body.
“My family is… not traditional,” Faye said after a pause. “My mom barely knew my dad. Or my sister’s dad, for that matter. She moved us around a lot when we were kids. Other than my first twelve years in Sargasso, we never stayed in one place long enough to finish a lease. I guess it rubbed off, because Amanda isn’t exactly the kind of person to have a fixed address. And since she’s not picking up her phone…”
“Oh.” I wasn’t sure what to say. None of this had shown up on her faculty page.
“It’s all right. I have a plan. I intend to contact her friends. Surely she had some sort of help during her pregnancy and the birth. One of them will be able to lead me to her.”
She was going to be like a private investigator. “She seems like your complete opposite.”
“I don’t exactly know how I turned out so different from my family,” she said thoughtfully. “As a child, somehow I realized that an escape was to bury myself in books. My grades were good enough to get me a full scholarship. I’m the only one in my family to graduate high school, never mind getting a doctorate.”
“Wow.”
To think yesterday I’d thought some small talk about other professors was such a big deal! Now Faye was opening up to me for real… to an uncomfortable extent, really.
Catching sight of my face, she gave a faint smile. Even that tiny bit of pleasantness made my knees go weak, and I was glad I was seated.
Leaning over her desk to tap Gretchen on the nose, Faye continued. “All that goes to say, I couldn’t get ahold of my sister last night, and my mother wants nothing to do with Gretchen. I plan to keep looking for Amanda, but she’ll stay with me until then.”
“With you?” I looked again at the helpless infant, then at the woman who seemed to have no idea what to do with her. “Have you been feeding her?”
Faye let out a grim laugh. “Told you I was up half the night, didn’t I? I know how to Google. It took a few attempts, but I managed to get some formula into her. Even changed her diaper.” Her nose wrinkled. “Three damn times.”
Maybe Gretchen would be all right with her after all. Still… “The babysitting offer stands.” Out of concern for her welfare, and that was all. “No charge.”
Her first urge was to say no, but I saw her suppress it. She bit her lip, looking at how Gretchen lay quietly in my lap. “Seriously?”
“Of course. She’s a darling… and I know kids… and you need help.” I fluffed up Gretchen’s little bit of hair. “If or when things get a little more under control, you can start paying me if you still want to. But let me start this off as a favor.”
I could practically see the thoughts running through her mind. She was supervising my thesis… and she’d be a member of the committee when I defended it. Some people might’ve said there was a conflict of interest. That she’d give me preferential treatment because I was doing something nice for her.
The baby opened her mouth again and I popped my thumb inside. She began to suckle it like a soother, and Faye stared at me in amazement.
I could practically see the “conflict of interest” evaporating from her mind.
“You’re hired.”
* * *
Since Faye had professor stuff to do, I agreed to take Gretchen for the rest of the day. Piling all the baby stuff into my hands, she said goodbye with an expression of utter relief.
Considering that she’d had her for less than twenty-four hours, that baby had a lot of stuff.
I balanced everything in my arms and headed for the library. I got a few funny looks along the way, but at least Gretchen was quiet.
Supposedly, Beasley was a family-friendly campus. The administration didn’t want to discourage young single parents from coming to school here. Given that the school was Ivy League, not many people actually had kids and there was no need for anything like a day care. But the policy meant I could take Gretchen wherever I wanted. She was generally a good baby, only crying when she needed something. That helped—but even if she squawked at top volume all day, according to the school’s code of conduct, no one could complain.
Once I found the most private study carrel I could, I set her down and went through what Faye had bought. Gretchen had a few bottles of formula now, as well as diapers and a couple more outfits. There was an actual baby sling too, the tags still on—I guessed Faye hadn’t had a peaceful moment to unpack it.
Gretchen burbled, and I wiped the drool off her chin. I probably wasn’t going to get much work done on my thesis today… but how cute of a distraction was she?
I put her in the sling so I could hunt down a few books I wanted for my research. She seemed to enjoy the movement, and she made happy little sounds as I walked around the stacks.
This kid was really too cute for words. I pinched her cheek as I finished putting the books in my backpack. It was a real crime that her mom didn’t seem to want her. These first few days of her life were so important, and this Amanda person wasn’t even attempting to love or care for her. I wished there was something more I could do.
To think I’d been thinking about getting a pet soon! I’d been halfway tempted to at least get a little ferret or something. Well, that plan was going to be on hold indefinitely. Gretchen would fill the “small, needy things you have to take care of”-shaped void in my life.
As I got in my car, I remembered the baby store at the mall. I’d been in a couple of times for gifts. All right, occasionally I glanced in as I walked by. Baby clothes were cute, all right? I had a soft spot for kids—probably because I was just a big one myself.
Fuck it. I’d take Gretchen to the baby store. She needed a couple more things, like a car seat. Even if Faye didn’t keep her for long, her mom could use the seat later.
When I got to the store, I deliberated between choices for what felt like an hour. There seemed to be an infinite variety of car seats—different ones for different ages, weights, and heights. After all of my looking, I wouldn’t have been surprised if they made different ones for every personality type and zodiac sign.
At last I made my choice, a rear-facing car seat that could be used from birth up to a year. It looked easy enough to install, and it would fit in a standard back seat.
I moved toward the cash register… then saw a rack of sparkly soothers. I popped one into my cart in case Gretchen started crying when I wasn’t around to give her my thumb.
All right, one more circuit around the store to be sure I hadn’t forgotten anything.
Those tiny shoes were pretty adorable. Poor kid was going to need to keep her feet warm. She might as well do it in a miniature pair of Converse.
And she’d need some cute little socks to go with the shoes. Those frilly pink ones would be a nice contrast with the black and white.
What about a pink hat to match? It was going to get cold pretty soon.
And she’d need a blanket… and pajamas…
By the time I got to the front of the store, the cart was overflowing. Literally. I almost dropped Gretchen out of her sling as I bent over to pick up the things that’d fallen out.
The man ahead of me in line was startled when my head bumped into his ass, but she gave me a sympathetic look as I straightened up. “New baby? How old is she?” With the gift set he was holding, he appeared to be a grandfather.
“She’s not mine, so I’m not sure. I’ve only had her for a few hours.” Great, that sounded like I’d kidnapped the kid. “It’s complicated.”
The grandpa gave me a confused smile and moved forward in line.
When the cashier rang me up, I took a deep breath. The total was more than a teaching assistant made in a month… or several. But Gretchen needed the Mario Brothers T-shirt in five colors.
I handed over my credit card.
* * *
&n
bsp; When I met Faye at her office at the end of the day, she looked overwhelmed by the mere sight of Gretchen, as if by having her out of sight, she’d managed to suppress the fact that the baby existed.
She pushed her glasses to her forehead to massage her temples. “How’d it go with her?”
“Not bad. She slept most of the day, really.” I smiled, hoping to cheer her up.
“Which means she’ll be up half the night, no doubt.” She dipped her head to massage further back. “I suppose I’ll bring her home with me. I still haven’t been able to get in touch with her mother.”
“Do you need any help?” I set Gretchen on the desk and stretched. As light as she was, carrying her around for so long was hard on my back. “I got her some more stuff, but I just realized I forgot it in the car.”
Faye steepled her fingers and rested her chin on top. “You’ve been shopping? Did you get much research done today?”
“Not exactly.” I cringed to admit it. “I took out a few books, but I haven’t had a chance to look at them.”
“All right. Go get some food—I assume you haven’t eaten either—and go to the library. Get some work done and bring Gretchen’s things in the morning.”
But I wanted to see more of her now. Plus… “One of the things I got was a car seat,” I said. “I don’t think it’s safe for you to drive without one.”
“Hmm.” She peered at me. Without her glasses, her eyes were even more lustrous, and my stomach flipped over a few times before she spoke again. “I’ll get it from your car now.”
“It’s already set up in mine. Why don’t I take Gretchen and follow you to your place?”
4
Faye
I got out of my car a moment before Jaz pulled into the driveway. I wasn’t sure how exactly she’d managed to invite herself over here. Yeah, she’d ingratiated herself to me with the free babysitting, and sure, her skills with kids meant maybe she wasn’t as empty-headed as I’d feared. None of that meant I wanted her seeing my private residence.
