by John Hulme
Epilogue
Thought Track #3, The End of the Line
“Last stop, End of the Line!”
The Conductor of the Trans-Seemsberian Express hopped off the train and into the cloud of steam that was forming around its giant steel wheels. Only seconds ago his brakeman had pulled the lever that made those wheels screech, bringing the locomotive to a halt in the remotest destination in The Seems. But much to the Conductor’s surprise, not a single passenger was getting off.
“Last stop! End of the Line!”
The man in the blue hat and red tie scanned the platform one last time, then pulled a pocketwatch from inside his blazer. “24:59.” Oh well. Time to turn the old girl around . . .
“All aboard the Trans-Seemsberian Express! This train will make the following station stops: Seemsberia, Obscurity, the Outskirts, and Beyond! All aboard!”
A few tired workers shambled off the wooden benches and dragged their heavy bags up the steps. Most the Conductor recognized as Thought Chippers—those who toiled in the unforgiving heat of Contemplation—but he was quite sure that the old guy in the dust-covered hat and beard was a Hope prospector. By the despairing look on his face, today’s dig hadn’t gone so well.
“That’s all of ’em, Tommy.” The Conductor gave his engineer the nod, then hopped on the bottom stair. “Let’s move her out!”
Like some ancient lumbering beast, the last remaining steam-powered train in The Seems dragged itself into motion. Smoke belched from its stacks, pistons and coupling rods squealed, and with a final blow of the whistle, the Trans-Seemsberian Express slowly vanished into the night . . .
Leaving seemingly no one behind.
“That was nifty.” A man’s voice harshly split the silence, emanating from a dark alcove beside an out-of-order vending machine. “But totally unnecessary.”
There was no response but the moan of a distant desert wind.
“I assure you, we are quite alone.”
“None of us is alone,” replied the voice of a woman, from the other side of the tracks. “Least of all out here.”
Someone dressed in a hooded cowl emerged from behind a rusty handcar and began to make her way across the rails. The man she was approaching slipped from the safety of the shadows and lowered a sturdy hand to help her up to the platform.
“I should’ve known it would be you,” said Sophie Temporale, pulling back the hood to reveal her flowing gray hair. “In my heart, I think I already did.”
“Was I that obvious?” asked the man who now called himself Triton. Gone was the digital mask that had kept him shrouded during their previous conversation, replaced by a face and voice that the Time Being knew all too well.
“All this cloak-and-dagger stuff is right out of your playbook,” she said. “Not to mention the backroom politics.”
“When you are the hunted, you make do with whatever room you can find . . . be it attic, basement, or rooftop garden.”
Triton led her to the westernmost portion of the station, where the Tracks ended in huge rubber stoppers that kept the Trains of Thought from careening off-rails. Unlike Sophie, he was dressed in jeans, hiking boots, and a warm hunting jacket to protect him from the winds that howled across the desert. The desert he hoped she would enter with him tonight.
“Have you given any more thought to my offer?” he asked.
“I have.”
“And?”
“I’ve decided to accept.”
The leader of The Tide clenched a fist to suppress any visible signs of excitement. Now that the Time Being was on board, the others would follow suit, and there was literally nothing to stop his plan from coming to fruition.
“Excellent.”
Triton smiled and pointed to the Middle of Nowhere, where things like Time, Nature, and Reality quickly lost their meaning. Way, way out there in the shifting sands, just barely visible beneath the starless sky, was the glow of what could only be a campfire . . .
“Then follow me.”
Appendix A
Glossary of Terms
Agents of L.U.C.K.: Members of a covert team charged with spreading the life-changing substance to its appropriate Sectors in The World.
A Better Place: Where people of The World go when they die.
California Cheeseburger: A cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise, and raw onion.
Court of Public Opinion: The judicial branch of The Seems, interpreting and enforcing the Rules and Regulations.
Crestview: An exclusive gated community on the cliffs of the Stream of Consciousness.
Daily Plan: The leading newspaper in The Seems.
Daylight Savings Bank (FDIC): The Savings & Loan inside which The World’s Frozen Moments are stored.
Day That Time Stood Still, the: November 5, 1997.
Dead Man’s Hill: The lower half of South 5th Avenue, Highland Park, New Jersey.
End of the Line: The last stop of the Trans-Seemsberian Railroad—just on the edge of the Middle of Nowhere.
Essence of Time: The potent extract responsible for keeping The World on schedule.
Firsts, Seconds, and Thirds: The three naturally occurring geological phenomena from which the Essence of Time is distilled.
Frozen Moments: Pristine moments of human experience preserved in cubes of ice.
Fun House: The R&D wing of the Department of Fun.
Glitch: A small but lethal nuisance that can wreak havoc in The Seems and hence cause mass destruction in The World.
Grand Scheme of Things, The: The original design document used to build The World.
Highland Pizza: The inconspicuous Italian chalet on the corner of North Sixth and Raritan avenues in Highland Park, New Jersey. Also, Becker Drane’s second-favorite restaurant.
Institute for Fixing & Repair (IFR): The state-of-the-art facility in The Seems responsible for training all Briefers and Fixers.
Irie: A Rastafarian exclamation celebrating anything that is good.
Jinx Gnomes: A popular comic strip turned hit TV show in The Seems.
Knockout Punch: A mix of 100% juice (not from concentrate) known to render those who drink it temporarily indisposed.
Manual (aka The Compendium of Malfunction & Repair ): The technical volume containing “everything you need to know to Fix.”
Marco Polo: 1. The Venetian trader and explorer who gained notoriety for his worldwide travels. 2. A form of tag, usually played in a swimming pool.
Meanwhile: A bleak and lightless nether region of The Seems.
Memory Bank: The fortresslike institution in which the Memories of The World are kept.
Metrocard: The reloadable laminate affording one access to the New York City subway system.
Middle of Nowhere: The only location in The Seems that is off-limits to everyone, regardless of Clearance.
Mischievous Imp: A former employee of the Department of Thought & Emotion who was sentenced to Seemsberia for sending unauthorized impulses and desires to the people of The World.
Most Amazing Thing of All: The most amazing thing of all.
Mother of All Glitches: The mother of all Glitches.
Obscurity: The retreat and wellness colony in The Seems attended by those who need a little time away.
Rock, Paper, Scissors (aka “Ro Sham Bo”): A game of simple hand gestures used in conflict resolution. (Note: Paper covers rock. Rock breaks scissors. Scissors cut paper.)
SBC (Seemsian Broadcasting Company): The top-rated drama and reality channel in The Seems.
Second Hand Store: A Time Square antiquary packed with tchotchkes from back in the Day. Prices negotiable.
Second in Command: The highest-ranking official in The Seems.
Seemsberia: A vast expanse of frozen tundra on the far reaches of The Seems.
SeemsBurger: A startup franchise attempting (with little success) to replicate Worldly “fast food.”
Seems Chi: A “boundless first” form of calisthenics aligning mind and body before or after a long day
of World-building.
Seemsiana Purchase: The windfall transaction in which private landowners sold a tract of property to the Powers That Be, with the stipulation that it be used for the construction of a new Customs terminal.
Silly Putty: An inorganic polymer invented by the Department of Fun in 1943 (WT) and leaked to General Electric in the hopes of bringing a little enjoyment to The World.
SNN (Seemsian News Network): The 25/7 breaking news source of The Seems.
Stumbling Block: A multitiered obstacle course designed to test the physical, emotional, and spiritual limits of Candidates at the IFR.
Sunset Strip: The back lot in the Department of Public Works where Sunset Painters prepare their daily masterworks for display.
Tastee Subs: With two convenient locations, the “tastiest” hero this side of Mickey’s. Also, Becker Drane’s third-favorite restaurant.
Thin Air: A Bermuda Triangle–like corner of The Seems where people inexplicably vanish, often never to be seen again.
Ticky: A member of the IT staff of the Department of Time.
Time Bomb: A volatile explosive activated by the Splitting of a Second.
Time in Memoriam: The downtown bakery responsible for such delectable treats as Déjà Vus, Hour D’oeuvres, and Linzer Tortes.
Time Square: The historic downtown center of the Department of Time.
Time Zone: One of three areas where Firsts, Seconds, and Thirds are found—Mountain, Lake, and Underground.
WDOZ: A radio station in the Department of Sleep broadcasting the sweet sounds of slumber to listeners in The World.
Wedgie: The always-traumatic experience of having one’s full body weight lifted off the ground by the waistband of his/her skivvies.
Well of Emotion: A hollow or pit from which feelings are dredged.
White Rose System: The 24/7 fast-food mecca on Wood-bridge Avenue, Highland Park. Also, Becker Drane’s favorite restaurant.
Zeppole: Italian for doughnut.
Appendix B
Time Is of the Essence
The production of Time in The Seems is a dangerous and intricate process. It relies primarily upon the mining of a series of minerals infused with an energy or “Essence” that causes things around them to age at a specific rate. These minerals are referred to as: Firsts, Seconds, and Thirds.
The shells of Firsts are soft and hold very little Essence, while Thirds are nearly indestructible and, should the surface be cracked, contain enough to obliterate both The World and The Seems. Once these orbs are harvested, they are encased in Time-resistant glass and flooded with water from the Stream of Consciousness to safely extract the Essence.
This infused liquid is then pumped via pipeline to the Department of Reality, where it is sprayed directly onto the Fabric as it is woven into The World.
The sum of the Firsts (1 tickogram), Seconds (2tg), and Thirds (3tg) is referred to as the “Multiple” and accounts for the rate at which Time moves. A Multiple of 9 (traditionally two Firsts, two Seconds, and a Third) equates to the “normal” pace of life in The World. During periods of stress or peak performance, however, Time can appear to slow to a crawl of 6, while if having fun, it may seem to fly by at 12.
Appendix C
Tools of the Trade
Selected Tools from “The Split Second.”
(Note: Reprinted from The Catalog, copyright © Seemsbury Press, MCGBVIII, The Seems.)
Tool Name: Connective Tissue™
Use: Personal attachment. When Buddhist philosophy won’t cut it, neither will anything else! (Good to 5,546 lbs of breaking strength.)
Designer: Al Penske
Tool Name: Can of Buttwhuppin’™
Use: Left your Fists of Fury™ on the kitchen table? No worries—open up a Can of Buttwhuppin’ instead! Comes w/8-oz. reusable can. (Buttwhuppin’ refills avail while supplies last.)
Designer: Klaus van Barrelhaus
Tool Name: Elbow Grease™
Use: Get yourself out of any jam with the slipperiest substance known to man! Makes WD-40 look like peanut butter!
Designer: Al Penske
Tool Name: Sticky Feet™
Use: Keep yourself firmly planted on the ground with this all-star addition to your Fixer footlocker! Runs bigger than Speed Demons and Concrete Galoshes. (Available in sizes 3–15, A-EEE.)
Designer: The Handyman
Tool Name: Skeleton Key™
Use: Seems-World travel. A quantum Leap from the antiquated Door system! One per Fixer. DO NOT COPY.
Designer: Al Penske
Tool Name: Toolmaster 44™ (Discontinued)
Use: Distressed leather, handstitching, and deep saddlebags—seasoned Fixers only. (Individually numbered/ Limited edition.)
Designer: Morton Penske
Tool Name: Fallout Shelter™
Use: Catastrophe management. When you wish you didn’t have to, you’ll be happy you did. A must for anyone in the top thirty-eight.
Designer: Al Penske
Tool Name: Water Wings™
Use: High Tide is no match for these high flyers. Elevation to ten feet. Puncture resistant. (Not to be combined with Hovercraft HG™ models or Turf Board XL™.)
Designer: Al Penske Jr.
Tool Name: Q-turn™
Use: Re-routing, re-piping, re-directing, re-organizing, re-bounding, re-versing, re-gurgitating. Nothing is impossible with a little “QT!”
Designer: Al Penske Jr.
Tool Name: Oven Mitts™
Use: Sick of getting burned on the job? Protect the hands that feed you with these fluffy power-paws! (Fireproof to Brimstone/cold-resistant to –273°K!)
Designer: The Handyman
Tool Name: Catch-All™
Use: Falling Sky on your docket again? Whatever’s coming at you, slow it down and rein it in with this golden glove hopeful! (Available in velvet and everyday suede.)
Designer: Al Penske Jr.
Tool Name: Flash in the Pan™
Use: Put the Iron Chef to shame with this fabulous flambé! Sheds polarized light for eight-plus minutes! Also good for frying an egg (not recommended).
Designer: Al Penske Jr.
Tool Name: Hot Potato™
Use: Low carb diets draggin’ you down? Come in from the cold with these toasty orbs sure to heat up your trip through the In-Between! (Order now—they’re flying off the shelves like . . . well, you know.)
Designer: Chef LaRobierre
Tool Name: Hour Glasses™ (Discontinued)
Use: With hand-ground lenses and sleek North Seemsany design, these trifocals can literally make Time stand still! (Or speed up.) Originally used by Reality Checkers back in the Day and available in The Catalog for the first time!
Designer: Morton Penske
Tool Name: This, That & The Other Thing™
Use: Things falling apart again? Hold it all together until you can apply the perfect Fix! (Some assembly required.)
Designer: The Handyman
Tool Name: Sticks & Stones™
Use: Will break their bones—when names are not enough to harm a flea. Fighting is never recommended, but if attacked, make them pay! (Pressure-treated Stick. Stone that would level a Philistine.) Not responsible for bodily injury resulting from use of Tool.
*For more information on Tools, arcana, and Seemsian détritus en général, please visit the Fixer’s Lounge area of theseems.com. [Password: LTF-FTL]
Form #1030
Post-Mission Report
* * *
Mission: The Split Second [037009]
Filed by: F. Becker Drane
* * *
Summary:
* * *
This was a very challenging Mission. I’ve had some personal things going on and unfortunately, it’s kind of spilled over into my professional life. On the other hand, I believe great strides were made into understanding the infrastructure and methods of The Tide and I hope this will be taken into consideration. Regardless, I am confident this experience will ser
ve me well in the future.
* * *
Areas for Improvement:
* * *
Obviously, following the Rules has been a major problem for me of late. But I’m also looking forward to improving in several other key areas, including hand-to-hand combat, maintaining my composure during frustrating moments, and strategy regarding Rock, Paper, Scissors.
* * *
Rate Your Briefer (1–12):
* * *
Shan Mei-Lin basically put on a Briefing clinic today. Not only did she shake off the initial blast in Time Square to continue serving on the Mission, but she also showed great initiative and courage when she was separated from not one but two Fixers. Most of all, she was prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice for The World. With a little work on the MIM (work that may already be done), I recommend her without reservation for Fixer.
* * *
Suggestions Box:
* * *
Just an idea, but perhaps on “cataclysmic”-level Missions like this, it may be worth calling in a team of Fixers, multiple specialists whose talents could mesh into a cohesive unit, and thereby maximize safety for The World. That and combining the Receiver into the next series of Blinkers. It’s a pain to carry both.
Check here if you wish to donate used or outdated equipment for the IFR’s “Tools for Tots” program.
Signature
FIXER AND MRS. JELANI BLAQUE
