“Wow,” I observed. “I’m suspended over a cauldron of acid. I’m not sure whether I should deride the originality or applaud his revival of a classic death trap.”
“Acid tutti-fruity,” the Ice Cream Man said. “Flesh-melting ice cream is sort of my signature.”
“I confess, though, this is kind of lacking,” I said, looking up at him.
“Excuse me?” The Ice Cream Man said, narrowing his gaze.
I shrugged, which was almost impossible upside down. “It's just I've been put in death traps by the best. The Cackler arranged for me to be put in a chamber filled with laughing gas in front of a TV of Bugs Bunny cartoons, only to deliver increasing electrical shocks the more I laughed. This is weak-tea by comparison.”
“Weak tea!?” the Ice Cream Man hissed.
“Gary, don't antagonize the supervillain,” Mandy said, looking decidedly less than impressed with me. I, on the other hand, was quite impressed her slinky dress was staying down. She must have taped it to her legs.
“Wasn't the Cackler a space god or something?” Cindy asked, her bunches hanging down over her head.
“No, that was the second Cackler who appeared after the first one died. The second Cackler was the son of Entropicus from the planet Abaddon at the End of Time. It turns out the second was psychically possessing the first for most of his crimes,” I explained.
Cindy stared at me. “I hate this town so damn much.”
Angel Eyes sighed. “We've been awake for a while, Merciless. Frankly, you've been delaying us considerably from our confrontation.”
Diabloman said, “It is not right we begin until our leader emerges.”
Angel Eyes snorted. “Your leader, not mine.”
Cindy shrugged. “Gary's a light-weight. After two beers, he was anybody's in high school.”
Mandy snorted in agreement. “It was part of his adorkable nature, though.”
“He's no Angel Eyes but yeah,” Cindy said, smiling.
“I'm hanging right here,” I said, appalled.
The Ice Cream Man was still fuming, getting more so the more we bantered. “You are in a death trap! How can you be wise-cracking when I have you all suspended over a cauldron of acid?! This is a life and death situation!”
“Yeah, we noticed,” I said, shaking my head. “You're an infamous villain, Ice Cream Man. Dead or not, I expect you to bring your A-game and this just isn’t it.” I wrinkled my nose. “By the way, you need some air freshener. The zombie thing is not agreeing with you.”
“You realize this is more likely to have him kill you, right?” Cloak said.
“Trust me on this,” I said, mentally.
The Ice Cream Man turned to Mandy and pointed a long bony finger at her face. “You don’t think I’m serious? I’ll start with your wife!”
“No!” Angel Eyes shouted. “Not her!”
Everyone else looked at him, myself included.
Angel Eyes looked abashed.
Mandy then turned back to the Ice Cream Man. “When I get out of this, I'm going to take that maggot-filled skull of yours and punt it into next week.” Mandy said, her voice lowering. I pitied the Ice Cream Man. Mandy was probably the worst person in the group to try and scare.
The Ice Cream Man took a step back.
“She'll do it too.” I warned. “You should have seen her in her Goth rock phase.”
“Mandy was to die for!” Cindy nodded despite being upside down. “Admittedly, the Black Furies’ last single could have used some work. I’m Dating a Dork just didn’t have the same beat as Die, Girlfriend, Die.”
“So what’s your plan?” Cloak asked.
“Still working on it,” I admitted.
“Well, it seems like it’s time to demonstrate why it's not a good idea to fuck with the Ice Cream Man!” The supervillain growled, grabbing his remote from his belt and looking between the four of us. “I think I'll start with you, Ms.”
He was looking at Mandy.
I had no ideas.
That was when Mandy swung herself upside down into the mechanism right above our heads, smashing it out of place and sending five of us spiraling down behind the cauldron. Mandy fired a strange red laser from her wedding ring, which obviously wasn't the one I'd bought her, got up, and then pulled off one of her high heels before hurling it at the M-Wave Generator. It promptly exploded, leaving me to believe she'd packed her heels with explosives. The Ice Cream Man wailed in frustration, pulling out a candy-cane striped pistol with a Tesla battery on its side. Mandy threw her other high heel, which exploded like a flash bang, allowing her to run up to him and kick him in the chest. The Ice Cream Man went flying off the stage.
“Gary, when did Mandy become James Bond?” Cindy asked.
I shrugged, feeling my powers return, then turned insubstantial and escaped from my bonds. “Well, she did have access to all of the Nightwalker's equipment after his death. I'm just surprised he had an evening dress and explosive high-heels.”
“Those appear to be things she's made on her own,” Cloak said. “Albeit, they're minor works of magic and gadgetry. Still impressive, though.”
“Nice work, Gary.” Mandy smiled. “You going to help or you want me to handle him?”
“Oh, I think you’ve earned the right to kick some zombie ass. Besides, I’d love to see you deliver a beat down in that dress.”
The Ice Cream Man was already climbing back on the stage, somehow having armed himself with a peppermint handled machete. There was no way in hell for him to be able to beat us all without his gas grenades again, especially now that Angel Eyes and Diabloman had their powers back, but he was refusing to back down. I’d have admired his courage if not for the fact it was so stupid.
“Sounds good, Gary.” My wife responded to the Ice Cream Man’s return by leaping in the air and giving him a spin-kick to his decaying head. The Ice Cream Man went down like a sack of potatoes, or perhaps empty ice cream tubs. Angel Eyes and Diabloman watched in appreciation, enjoying the show. Mandy proceeded to grab one of the wooden chairs behind the curtain and smashed it, gaining herself a sharpened stake.
I smirked. “I think that's for vampires, Buffy.”
“That's why I intend to drive it through his head.”
“Ah. Wait, don’t you have a laser ring?”
“One charge.”
Cindy whistled from where she was still tied up. She, after all, was the only one of us without powers. “Not to interrupt, Boss, but could you maybe help me here? Some of us don't have magical powers or super-gymnastics.”
“One second,” I said, heading over to blast away Cindy’s bonds. My powers had grown to the point I could use my fire like an instant fusion torch or laser.
“Thank you, God.” Cindy breathed out a sigh of relief. I’d been good enough to not burn her in the process. “I will never disrespect you again.”
I raised an eyebrow.
Cindy looked guilty. “For the next forty minutes. Thank you, too, Gary.”
“You’re welcome.”
The Ice Cream Man was already getting up, however, producing a chocolate-brownie looking hand grenade with an atomic symbol on the side. “Alright, that's it, no more Mister Confectionary. I underestimated you because you're a bunch of idiots but no more. I'm going to skin you alive and wear your heads for hats.”
“Try it, Corpse-Breath.” Mandy held up her stake threateningly.
“Corpse breath?” I asked, standing beside her.
“I'm new at this.” Mandy glanced back at me. “Cut me some slack.”
The Ice Cream Man tried to pull the pin on his atomic grenade before Mandy stabbed him in the arm with her stake. Applying pressure, she tore away the upper end of his limb and sent him tumbling backwards. Being dead, the Ice Cream Man didn't react to losing a limb with pain. Instead, he looked irritated.
“Whore!” the Ice Cream Man screamed.
“Why is it the bad ones always end up going for misogyny?” I asked, appalled.
Mandy
pulled her stake out from the Ice Cream Man's arm. “Because guys like him are small-small men.”
“Just kill him already! Make it stick this time!” Cindy made a thumbs down in a Roman fashion.
“Working on it.” Mandy stabbed out with her stake only for him to just barely dodge it.
Diabloman stepped up behind me, untying his arms. “Your wife is a formidable woman.”
No kidding. “Tell me about it. I'd been looking forward to killing the Ice Cream Man myself, but she's earned this one.”
The Ice Cream futilely continued to fight despite the fact he was grossly outmatched, Mandy dodging each of his attacks only to continue beating him across the face and chest with a combination of punches and kicks. The Ice Cream Man, being dead, was immune to the worst of them but he still felt them.
Because, hey, magic.
I could tell Mandy was having fun but I hated to see that bastard waste any more of our time. “I think he's had enough.”
Mandy got a predatory grin on her face. “Agreed. Time to die for good, Vanilla Boy.”
“I hate vanilla!” The Ice Cream Man shouted right before a pair of twin superheroes glided down from the rafters onto the back of his head. One was bright gold and white, wearing a very familiar costume. The other was dark and somber but distinctly feminine in shape.
“Of course, my night couldn’t end on a high note.” I cursed under my breath.
The first of the newcomers was Sunlight, having apparently updated his costume to look like something produced in this decade. It was still ridiculously bright and sunny for a man who was supposed to be a vigilante, but it didn't look half as embarrassing as before. He was still way-too-old to be running wearing that costume, being a man well past retirement age even with the Society of Superheroes rejuvenation treatments, but he looked like an incredibly fit man well-past retirement age.
Sunlight a.k.a Robert Warren was the other superhero of Falconcrest City, barring the six-year-period where Ultragoddess attended university with me to get her Master’s degree in Unusual Criminology. The grandnephew of the Nightwalker, Sunlight had been the bright and cheerful costumed avenger of a city which was permanently in a depression.
Sunlight used holograms, gadgets, and Shambhala martial arts to fight crime in place of sorcery like his more-famous relative. In many ways, he was much more like Ultragod, who he'd modeled his costume than Lancel Warren. Sunlight was indirectly responsible for my getting the Reaper's Cloak but had tried to arrest me twice. I wasn't fond of him.
Following him, standing a foot shorter, was a girl dressed in an outfit nearly identical to mine. She had long blond hair sticking out from the back of her cowl and very familiar looking eyes. There was something familiar about her but I couldn’t immediately place what. The woman was shorter than me, of Asian American descent, and looked to be in her early twenties.
“Halt evil doers! It is I, the Nightwalker, here to stop you and your nefarious scheme!” The girl shouted before slapping a pair of handcuffs on the Ice Cream Man's wrist and forearm.
Mandy stared at her then looked over at me. “Is she kidding?”
“Amanda Douglas? What the hell are you doing here!?” I exclaimed, recognizing her voice.
The girl looked horrified. “I, uh... don't know what you mean, citizen.”
During my second outing as Merciless, billionaire Amanda Douglas had reacted to her kidnapping with courage and honor. It shouldn’t have surprised me she’d decided to take up the superhero mantle as so many rich athletic types had chosen to do. Her career might run into trouble now that I’d revealed her secret identity to a bunch of supervillains, though.
Oops.
“That's Merciless,” Sunlight whispered in her ear. “He's the most dangerous villain of them all. He’s already defeated Ultragod, escaped the moon prison, and defeated me twice!”
“And don't you forget it!” I pointed at Sunlight. I couldn’t believe this guy was still alive. Surely some other supervillain had the nerve to kill him? I mean, he couldn’t keep ruining my nights forever, could he?
“He ruined mine for close to two decades.”
“You’re a pretty horrible friend, Lancel.”
“Family is different from friendship. You’re allowed to complain about them.”
The Ice Cream Man leapt to his feet and tried to bite Sunlight's jugular. I would’ve welcomed it. Unfortunately, Mandy hurled her wooden stake like a throwing knife. The pointy end passed through one side of the zombie's head and out the other side. In an instant, the Ice Cream Man collapsed on the ground, deader than dead.
“Why do we keep saving this guy’s life?” I cursed myself.
“Because we're the good guys.” Mandy said, putting her hands on her hips. She was sweaty from her fight with Sunlight and I couldn’t help but admire the shimmer it gave her skin.
“You're half right.”
Diabloman shook his head. “In all my years as a supervillain, I have never met anyone as flippant about the job as you.”
“Thank you,” I said. “Okay, Sunlight, Amanda—”
“Nightwalker!” Amanda said, holding her cape up in front of her. “I am his heir and successor!”
I blinked, stunned she’d claim that title. “She can’t do a worse job than you.”
I looked over at Sunlight before turning back to Amanda. “Where did you even meet this guy?”
“Defending the innocent!” Amanda proclaimed, proudly. “I vowed to never be weak again after my kidnapping and he promised to train me.”
I held my face. “Oh God.”
Sunlight then surprised me. “Merciless, we need your help.”
Chapter Eight
Where I Make a Deal with (Shudder) the Good Guys
“Excuse me?” I said, not sure I'd heard that correctly.
“We need you rogues to defend Falconcrest City.” Sunlight clarified, pointing at each of us in turn. “The Brotherhood of Infamy, a secret conspiracy of the rich and powerful in Falconcrest City, has been secretly manipulating its history for centuries. Worshipers of the Great Beast Zul-Barbas, they have been attempting to make the city as miserable and corrupt as possible since its foundation. This was so they could gather enough negative energy so they could summon their evil god and remake the world into a paradise according to their whims and desires.”
Mandy looked enraptured, Amanda just nodded along, I was still confused, and my fellow villains were as put off as I was.
“This is why I don't trust apocalypse cults,” Cindy said, shaking her head. “They're always trying to make the end of the world come faster.”
“It's why I don't like Christianity,” Angel Eyes said.
Diabloman looked over his shoulder, guilty. “I've only tried to end the world a few times.”
“The cult almost succeeded in the Great Depression,” Sunlight said, shaking a fist in the air for emphasis. “The cult, led by Lancel Warren, and a team of six other followers used evil magics to penetrate the sanctum of Death in the Underworld and make off with her seven magic cloaks. Ones woven for her seven children with Cain, who would become the original Sorcerer-Kings of Acheron. With the cloaks' powers enhancing their necromancy, the Brotherhood's leaders could summon a host of undead which would give them the power to finish their plans but Arthur Warren persuaded his brother not to end reality. As such, the cult was thwarted and he would spend the rest of his life stopping their plans.”
“Wow,” Cindy said, eyes widened. “The Nightwalker was evil once? I have so much more respect for him now!”
“If only I'd known we'd had so much in common,” Diabloman said, looking guilty. “We could have been friends.”
“Oh for Chrissakes,” Cloak muttered.
“We know all this,” I said, sighing. I'd learned most of this from offhand remarks from Cloak as well as encounters with his former foes. Brotherhood of Infamy bad, making zombies, stop them. It wasn't all that complex.
“I didn't know any of this,” Cindy said. “
Why can't I get a cloak?”
“Mandy is up first,” I said.
“Oh,” Cindy said, accepting that explanation.
“You may know all this,” Amanda interjected, “but what you didn't know the Nightwalker defeated the cult and retrieved all seven cloaks by the late Fifties. He couldn't return them to Death, however, given the magics he'd used to penetrate her sanctum required bloodshed and was afraid of what would happen if they were destroyed. He, instead, rendered them inactive and hoped their curse was ended. But the Brotherhood was not destroyed and merely inactive, waiting for his death so they could steal the cloaks back.”
“Which they did,” I said, getting bored. “Hence, why they're out there doing all sorts of evil nastiness with the other six cloaks.”
“Other five,” Amanda corrected, pointing to her attire. “My father was a member of the Brotherhood. After he was killed by the cult for resisting their plans at apocalypse, the Cloak passed to me. I intend to use it for good, unlike the rest of those nutcases.”
I blinked, looking at her costume in a new light. “Is she telling the truth, Cloak?”
“Yes,” Cloak said, sounding as surprised as anyone. “I do believe that is one of the other Reaper's Cloaks.”
“I'd already been training to be a hero but now I will avenge my father and bring peace back to the lands of Falconcrest City!” Amanda said, shaking her fist in the air.
I stared at her. “Please don't do that.”
“Do what?” Amanda asked.
“Say that without irony.”
“Um, okay.”
After the Nightwalker's death via aneurysm, Sunlight had been the only Society of Superheroes member to want to try to carry on his legacy. Unlike many heroes, the Nightwalker had made no proviso for who would take over in the event of his death. Sunlight had used computers to search through a list of probable candidates, found one, and sent the Cloak along with some other vital equipment to my house.
He'd been trying to send it to my wife.
Eesh.
Sunlight wagged a finger in my direction. Seriously. “Tut-tut-tut, Merciless, one should never be ashamed of taking pride in justice.”
The Games of Supervillainy (The Supervillainy Saga Book 2) Page 7
