I almost walk away, then I notice her position. She is sitting with her knees pulled to her chest, her arms hugging them tightly, and her head buried in them. No one sits in an alley in the middle of the night unless something is wrong. As I walk toward her, I notice that she is crying. There is what looks like blood running down both of her legs and her hair is messed up and matted. The red streaks down her legs causes me to hesitate momentarily. What happened to her? Finally, I find my voice.“Are you okay?”
She jumps at the sound of my voice. When she looks up at me her eyes are puffy and bloodshot. “What are you doing here?”She quickly glances around as if looking for someone.
“I was walking by and I saw you.” I crouch down next to her. “Are you okay? What happened?”
She shakes her head at me. “I’m fine. You can go.” Her voice hitches as she hiccups from crying.
“It’s obvious that you’re not fine. If you won’t accept help then that’s your decision. If you need somewhere to go, my parents are too high to notice anyone staying over.” She doesn’t respond so I stand up and turn to walk away.
“Wait.” I hear her say, and I face her. “Why are you helping me?”
“Sometimes we all need a little help.” I smile at her, hoping to ease whatever apprehension she is still holding on to.
“Thank you.” She stands up on shaky legs and I gasp. The dress she is wearing is ripped completely down the front and she is trying to keep it closed but it isn’t working. I unzip my hoodie, take it off, and hand it to her. “Um…thanks again. I’m Lauren.”
“I know. My name is Jessie.” I jerk my head to the side. “Let’s get out of here.” She offers me a weak smile, and we silently walk back to my house.
Once we get there, I bring her into my room and give her a pair of pajamas. “Do you need to call you parents or anything?”
“No. I’ll just tell them I left early in the morning. They usually don’t get up until eight anyway.” I nod my head at her and show her where the bathroom is so she can shower.
I’m lying on my bed when she comes back into my room. She lies down next to me on the bed and the silence is almost deafening. “You aren’t going to ask me what happened?”she says so quietly I almost don’t hear her.
I turn toward her. “If you want to tell me you can. I’m not going to pressure you though.”
“You know, Jessie, I think that this is going to be the start of an amazing friendship.”
From that night, Lo and I were inseparable. We staged some fake meeting and spark of friendship a week later on the first day at school. It wasn’t until two months after I found her that night that Lo told me what happened to her. Apparently her mom had remarried and was happy for the first time since Lo’s dad died when she was a baby. Her new stepdad had a son who was going off to college the next day, and he decided that he wanted Lo to be his going away present.
She thought they were just going out for dinner, but took her to this dive bar after, thinking if he got her drunk enough he could take advantage of her. When Lo wouldn’t give into him willingly he drug her into the alley and raped her. She never told me the details, I think she locked it away in the back of her mind. Lo never told her mom or stepdad, afraid of ruining her mom’s happiness. Anytime her stepbrother came home to visit she stayed with me. Good thing her parents had no idea what my home life was like or they would have never let her come over.
For as many years as I have known Lo, I have never lied to her, never kept anything from her.
Until now.
Nicholas
Last night with Jessie was fucking amazing. I can see that she doesn’t really trust me though. She has her walls back up, and I know that it’s my fault. How could I have expected her to just be okay with what happened? To just jump back into what we were, like nothing has changed. I just don’t know how to make it right. I do know that I need to do it fast and convince her to come with me in two weeks. Losing her again isn’t an option.
Jessie is all I have left. My family all think I died in that plane crash. I couldn’t tell them otherwise, it would just be putting them in danger. I also knew that the Acardi’s would be watching for a grieving family to make sure the incident was legit, and unfortunately, I had to give them one. I sneak over to her car leaving a note with the address of our meeting place for today. I can’t take her out anywhere, so I have to get creative and hope she will like it. When she agreed to give me a chance, I thought my heart was going to burst out of my fucking chest. That’s why everything has to be perfect. There won’t be any more chances after this.
I know Jessie thinks that me lying to her was easy, but it wasn’t. I tried to warn her away at first, acting like an asshole, constantly pushing her away. But then I’d immediately feel guilty for the way I treated her and tried to make up for it. I couldn’t let myself hurt her, and I couldn’t resist the pull she had over me. I was between a rock and a hard spot. So I gave in, knowing that I would end up hurting her. I hoped that when she found out the truth, she would be so in love with me that it wouldn’t matter. I was a fucking idiot.
I tried to constantly talk to her, and pleaded with her. That’s when the restraining order was delivered. Then the call came in about the connections to the Acardi family and the fact that I would need to disappear. I sat down and wrote my letter to her that night. I needed her to know how much I loved her, and I wanted her to have some warning of what was coming. She never read it though, and I had no idea.
I pull up to the building and head inside to wait for her, hoping that the efforts I’ve made will be a step in the right direction for us. I want to rebuild what we had.
What I broke.
Chapter 6
Jessie
This is a different address than he gave me last time. The building looks the same though, deserted, and broken down. Knowing how this works already, I walk around to the back of the building seeing a metal door, and get déjà vu. I lightly knock on the door, and it opens revealing the only man that has ever been able to break down my walls. He is also the man that caused me to build them back up.
I told myself last night that I would be honest with him tonight. I’m not over the betrayal. I also decided that if I only have two weeks with him I really can’t waste it. When he leaves me this time, I don’t want to have any regrets. Lastly if he wants me to call him by his real name, then maybe I need to just give it a try. If there is any hope of me moving from what he did, that might be the first step,
Nicholas grabs my hand and pulls me inside. It’s completely dark and I try to get my bearings in this unfamiliar place. He moves behind me and places his hands over my eyes. “I have a surprise for you,” he whispers in my ear. I smile at the sound of his voice, and the feel of him so close to me. “Walk forward.” He guides me, stopping after a minute, his hands leave my face. “Open your eyes.”
When I look around the room I can’t help the huge smile that spreads across my face. I see two beach chairs, a huge inflatable palm tree, a baby pool, and two tiki torches. I look behind me at him.
“It’s not Myrtle Beach, but it’s the best I can do right now.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets looking down at me in search of a reaction.
I wrap my arms around his neck and give him a soft kiss. “This is perfect.” He kisses me back, and I can tell if I don’t put on the brakes that we will be going at it within a minute. “Stop.” I try to sound strong but my voice comes out more weak than I want it to. He looks at me in confusion. “I really think we should talk about some stuff first.” I smooth my hands over his chest to help ease some of his worry.
He nods and I can tell he probably knows what this conversation will be about. We go and sit down in the chairs. I kick my flats off and put my feet in the kiddie pool. After being on my feet all day, this is actually really amazing. I lay my head back on the chair and turn it toward Damon. He is sitting with his fingers laced behind his head. I laugh at how the two of us must look.
“So wha
t did you want to talk about, hooker?”
My mouth drops open. “What the hell did you just call me?”
He seems surprised by my reaction. “I’ve heard Lo call you that a bunch of times, I thought it was okay.”
“No. Lo is like my sister she could call me dog shit and I would probably still answer like it was my name. I get that you don’t understand our relationship but it’s not something I want to get into right now. Anyway, we really need to talk about everything that happened.” I’m not going to lie and say the hooker comment didn’t sting, but there are definitely bigger issues at hand.
His hands scrub his face. “Jess, I don’t know what I can say to make it up to you.”
“That’s just it. Words won’t fix what’s broken. I let you in and you basically shit all over my trust. I can’t just blindly open myself up to you again.” I pause to collect the thoughts that are jumbled in my head, all fighting for a chance to come out. “I’ve been hurt a lot in the past, and you knew that. You should have never gotten involved with me under those circumstances.”
“I know that, Jessie. I told myself that every damn day. I tried to push you away, tried acting like a dick, but I couldn’t not be around you. Even before this week, before you knew I was here, you had this pull over me. I can’t stay away from you, even when there is a risk of being found by the Acardi’s.”
I don’t respond. My mind wants to yell at him some more, but my heart recognizes that he has been hurting just as much as I have these past months. My damn heart is always the pushover. “I don’t know if I can leave with you.” My main concern is leaving Lo. She puts on this tough exterior but I see past it. She hardly ever sleeps because she has had really vivid nightmares ever since that night we first met. “If I did leave, I wouldn’t be able to do it without letting Lo know. I can’t just disappear and have her worry. She’ll think the worst has happened to me, and I don’t want to add one more dark cloud to her sky. She’s been through enough.”
He nods his head. “Can’t you just tell her you’re moving to get away from it all?”
“No. Lo isn’t just a friend, I’ve told you this before. She is my sister, and she would be right behind me. She would abandon her job, parents, anything she needed to just to be there for me. I would do the same for her at the drop of a dime. That’s the difference between friends who are just friends and friends who are family.”
“What if I want to be your family?” he asks quietly.
I look over at him, feeling bad for what I am about to say. “To do that, I need to trust you first.” I can see the hurt in his eyes as he processes what I said to him. Neither of us speaks for a few minutes.
“I am determined to win back your trust. I know I hurt you and it kills me inside. I will make it right.” His hand laces with mine and we just sit there. After a minute he leans over and kisses me. I know I should pull back, I know I shouldn’t give in so easily, but I can’t fight it. “You’re all I need, and everything I have ever wanted.” The desperation and conviction in his voice is exactly what I need to hear in this moment. It doesn’t make everything right, but for this minute I want to forget that.
I stand up and move to sit on his lap. I just need to be close to him, to convince my head and my heart that this is real. I lay my head down on his chest and close my eyes enjoying the feeling of being in his arms once again.
Before I know it my alarm goes off. “What’s that?”
I turn it off before answering him. “I set an alarm to tell me when I have to leave.” I see the disappointment on his face as I stand up.
He stands in front of me. “I wish you could stay with me.” His hands wrap around my waist. “I miss having you in my arms, holding you while you fall asleep, and waking up with you wrapped around me.”
I look away. I feel bi-polar when I’m around him. One minute I’m head over heels in love, the next I can’t stand being near him. “I need to go.”
I move to the side but he steps in front of me. “Stop. Don’t push me away. We only have a short amount of time together.”
“And who’s fucking fault is that, NICHOLAS?” The angry side of me is definitely winning right now.
“You’re the one that pushed me away, Jessie. You wouldn’t talk to me. You got a fucking restraining order against me!”
“That’s right I did, and right now you’re fucking violating it.” I get that using the restraining order is a low blow because I’ve been wanting to see him too, but right now I really don’t care. I push past him running out of the door and heading for my car. I know he won’t follow me. Creating a scene on a busy street isn’t ideal when you’re supposed to be dead.
Fuck him. I don’t even know what the fuck we are doing together since there is no damn way I could just leave with him. I’m just torturing myself by spending time with him. I should be detaching myself, not reattaching. I drive home, needing normalcy. I need to hang out with Lo and forget about he who shall not be named, and that’s mainly because I don’t know what the fuck to call him. It feels so alien to even say the name Nicholas, but saying Damon makes my heart hurt.
When I walk in the house it’s eerily quiet. I step into Lo’s room but she isn’t there. I walk over to her end table and smile at the picture collage she has of us. There are so many goofy pictures. I realize looking at them that I could never just abandon her and hurt her like that. I see something under the table and bend down to pick it up. When I see that they are sleeping pills, I realize I’ve been so caught up in my shit, I’ve been blind to what’s going on with Lo.
I think back over the last week. She is barely around. When she is she tends to stay in here. I just figured she was being bitchy or just sick of my moping. A few times a year Lo slips into depression. The shit that happened to her has never been resolved and it haunts her. Usually she can keep her demons at bay, but every once and a while it gets the best of her. How did I not fucking notice this? Damon. He has been monopolizing my time to the point that I didn’t even notice my sister was spiraling.
I hear the door open, and I run out to the living room. I walk up to Lo and wrap my arms around her. “I’m so fucking sorry that I have been so focused on my own shit. I know it’s happening again. I saw the pills.”
“Jessie, it’s okay.” She is rubbing my back and I pull away from her.
“No, it isn’t Lo. I’m here now and we are going to get through this shit together.” She gives me a small smile that lets me know she needs me more than she’s letting on. She’s just too selfless to admit it, which makes me feel like a self-absorbed cow. The rest of the night we hang out watching movies and laughing like we used to. When we are both dipping out on the couch, we get up and get ready for bed.
I follow Lo into her room. “Don’t take them. You know that shit doesn’t help you, it just disguises your problems and pushes them off on another day.” My tone is gentle, not trying to lecture her, but letting her know that she is so much stronger than that. She can fight off her demons. Hell, she does it every day.
She nods her head and lies down. I climb in beside her; every time she has had stuff like this going on, I stay with her. Lo wakes up about three times throughout the night. Each time I’m there and I talk her through it. She doesn’t have closure over this shit and I can see the internal battle she fights every time I look at her.
* * *
When the alarm on my phone goes off in the morning, I’m close to throwing it against the wall. I barely slept between calming Lo down and realizing I have to let Damon go. I can’t leave Lo, she is my family and I certainly can’t leave her without any explanation.
We get ready for work, both of us exhausted and seemingly just going through the motions. I put on a brave face for the kids in my room, knowing that I can’t let my personal life affect them. When it’s time for my lunch period, I breathe a sigh of relief. Lo has a parent meeting today so I’m free to be as alone and depressed as I want. I choose to stay in my room, upping my hermit status another n
otch.
When I hear a knock at the door, I contemplate pretending like I’m not here. “Come in.” I yell back reluctantly.
Randy pops his head in and when he sees I’m alone his smile widens. He is new to the school this year too, but has been like my shadow whenever he gets a chance. I can tell he is interested in more than a work relationship, but there is no way that is happening. He isn’t bad looking, definitely much preppier than I would normally go for.
He has blond hair that is usually styled to perfection, brown eyes, and a nose that’s a little big for his face. He always wears a colorful polo shirt, with his dress pants. I originally thought he was gay, until he set his sights on me. “Jessie, mind if I join you?”
I shake my head no, while in my head I'm screaming at him to get out. He sits down next to me at one of the kid’s desks with a wide smile on his face. His cheeriness makes me want to gag. As soon as he takes out his sandwich my nose unintentionally scrunches up. Tuna. With onions. Eww. When you are trying to make some moves, choosing a food that emits an enormous odor is not a good idea.
“So, how have the kids been today?”
Seriously? Who wants to talk about work on their break? While I love my kids, this is my time to escape, not relieve the nightmarish morning I’ve had. “Eh, you know how it is. The good, the bad, and the ugly.”
He laughs and I catch sight of pieces of food stuck between his teeth. I cough to try and cover up my disgust and humor at the sight. “You know, Jessie, I was driving past the movie theater the other day and there is a lot of good stuff out.” Oh no. Please don’t. “How about we take a little trip there after school? We could get dinner after and get to know each other better.” He’s got this hopeful look on his face, but I can’t get past the sight before me.
Shattered Lives Page 5
