by Cassie Mae
“Huh?”
“Something’s up. You’re in your own world and can’t even hear me when I talk to you. And you look like shit.”
“Thanks,” I say, scratching my chin, realizing I haven’t shaved in a few days.
“That’s what friends are for.”
“To tell me I look like crap?”
“And to point out what a buzzkill you’re being.”
I laugh. “Oh trust me, I know.”
“Then why aren’t you doing anything to fix it?”
I shrug. “Because I don’t think I can.”
Ryan pats my shoulder. “Word of advice?”
“Sure.”
“Go. Talk. To. Her.”
I kick his shin for acting like I’m an airhead. “She doesn’t want to talk to me.”
“She misses you, dude,” he says, kicking me back.
“How do you know that?”
“I filled in for you, remember. Swing dance class. By the way you owe me big. Actually you owe Kaylee. Poor girl is lucky she has any toes left.”
I shake my head, thinking of the disaster my practice was with Lexie. “At least you tried. One false spider incident and Lexie refused to even do that.”
“Just be happy it was a false incident.”
“She does get a little crazy about spiders.”
“A little?” Ryan exclaims. “She becomes certifiable.” He reaches back under the hood.
“Enough about Lex and her spider issues. What’s the deal with you and Kaylee?”
I’ve kept the whole thing a secret mainly because I’m ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I killed Kaylee’s gerbil because I messed up a magic trick. Ashamed of the things I said to her.
I’m sick of not talking about it. I move my mouth ready to spill my guts to my best friend.
“What’s the diagnosis?” Saved by Pop-pop.
Ryan nods to his grandfather then points to inside the hood. “Loose spark plug. Since I was in here, I decided to do a full tune up.”
“Nathanial, you paying attention?” Mr. Parker has been trying to teach me about cars ever since the first day I came here. He finally gave up when he realized I wouldn’t put a deck of cards down long enough to pay attention. He still gives it a shot from time to time.
“Sure have.”
Pop-pop glances at Ryan and Ryan tosses a rag at my face with a laugh. “He’s hung up on a girl. He doesn’t even know what engine’s in here.”
“You don’t say. What’d ya do?”
“Why do you think it’s something I did?” I ask, crossing my arms against my chest.
“Isn’t it?”
“Well yes, but—”
Pop-pop wags his finger. “No buts. You’re a man now and the secret to survival is simple. You are always wrong. No matter what. Even if you are right, you are wrong.”
“How is that fair?”
“Oh it’s fair all right. Because if the Mrs. is happy, you are happy.”
“But how do I get her back?”
“There it is.” Pop-pop smacks me on the back and for an old man he has some gusto behind it. “The first step is admitting you’re wrong. You know it. Now it’s time for the big gesture.”
“Like what?”
“Do you need me to do everything for you?” Pop-pop says with a laugh.
I tuck my hands into my pockets and lean back on my heels. “I…uh. I really messed things up. I’m going to need more than a big gesture. I need a miracle.”
“The only thing I can tell you is talk from here.” He points to my chest, pressing his fingers just above my heart. “Be honest with her. Tell her everything you love about her. All the little things and all the big things. The truth won’t steer you wrong.”
“Jack? You get back in here. I thought you said you’d wash the dishes.”
“Speaking of keeping the Mrs. happy, I gotta go.” Pop-pop taps the hood of the Lincoln then gives me a gentle pat on the back. “Good luck,” he says, and I want to hug him.
My family life may not be as messed up as Lexie’s or even Kaylee’s for that matter, but living in the shadow of my older brother is a constant battle of winning the spotlight. Not with Pop-pop though. He treats me like his own grandson.
“Thanks,” I say as he walks past.
“No need for that. Just passing on my wisdom”
“Jack!”
“Dagnabbit woman, I’m coming.”
“You did not just call me ‘woman!’”
Pop-pop walks toward the house and in the direction of Grams whose hands are planted firmly on her hips. Pop-pop laughs the entire way back.
His words echo through my mind. “Be honest with her. Tell her everything you love about her. All the little things and all the big things. The truth won’t steer you wrong.”
I reach into my pocket and pull out my deck of cards. I’m going to tell her exactly what I love about her. Fifty-two little details to be exact.
Chapter 19
I pump my legs, feeling the sweat on my forehead trickle down my temple. The sun is my enemy today, beating down on my back and making the air hard to breathe. Someone’s on my right. Sean Dixon. He suggestively waggles his eyebrows as he passes. If I wasn’t dying from exercise overload I’d say something.
My leg muscles lock. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, cramp, cramp, push through it, cramp again, collapse on the track.
“Stick a fork in me,” I say to the sky. A shadow passes over my eyes and Lexie comes into view, her own face glistening with sweat.
“You have half a lap left.” She sticks her hand out. “Come on.”
I grab my heart and pretend it’s stopped. “Body. Has. Ceased. To. Function.” My arm flings around dramatically before it falls to the track a little harder than I expected. Blasts of pain shoot through my elbow.
Lexie laughs and kicks my pink sneaker. “Get up.” She gets a hold of my arms while I whine at her. But I eventually get back to my feet.
I breathlessly giggle as Lexie moves behind me and pushes me forward.
“Slave driver!” I call out, but I force my tight muscles to move again. Once I’m running on my own, Lexie paces next to me, brown ponytail loosening as she runs.
It feels like a hundred years before we pass Coach with his timer.
“Fifteen nine, Sperling and Boggs. Not bad.”
“That…is…the…last…mile and a half…I ever run…” I heave, bent in half so much my blond ends hit the track. Lexie drags me over to the grass where our water bottles are. I chug all of it within seconds.
“Huh, I wonder where he put it,” Lexie says, manicured hands settled on her hips.
“Who put what?” I pant. Running is not and will never be my thing.
“Nate asked me to watch his stuff ‘cause he had to pee,” she says, and my heart jumps at his name. “It was just that hat you got him and a blue notepad he always carries around, but I can’t find it.”
My breathing stops. I straighten right up and ignore the sweat dripping from my bangs.
“Blue notepad?”
“Yeah. I’m sure you’ve seen him with it. He’s constantly writing stuff down, ripping it out, and… what’s wrong with you?”
Her eyebrows pull down while I blink and blink and frantically search the track and field for him. He’s not out here, but I have a pretty good idea where he is.
My sore legs and tight lungs have a miraculous recovery, and I sprint toward the school faster than I’ve ever run in my life.
“Kaylee!” Lexie calls after me, but I don’t have much time to do anything but a bizarre wave. I skid into the gym locker room, finding nobody, so I run straight out into the hallway. Past the cafeteria, the student union, the main offices, clear to the farthest lockers possible. And when I turn the corner, he’s there. Right there in front of mine, folding a blue piece of paper against the locker door, about to slide it into the slat.
“I knew it!”
Cards fly everywhere, as if he had them hidden in his gym sho
rts. His crystal grey eyes widen at me, his mouth open but not saying anything. I walk forward, shaking my head, not sure how I feel just yet.
“You always had me second-guessing,” I say, “but my gut always knew… it’s been you this whole time?”
Nate nods as the last few cards fall to the ground. He bends down, sweeping them back to the deck.
I crouch down to help, keeping my eyes on the top of his head. The blue note he had seems to have disappeared. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
He shrugs and swipes up a two of hearts with scribbles on the front. My brow furrows and I gaze at the rest of the cards. All of them have sharpie marker on one side.
“What’s this?” I ask, nails scraping the tile as I pick up the jack of diamonds.
Number 11: The way you wear your gym shorts… and any other pair of shorts.
He gulps when my gaze flicks back up. His cheeks have blossomed red. A light brush of his fingers on my hand sends goose bumps up my arms as he takes the card. He slides it in with the rest and closes the box. We both stand straight, and I raise my eyebrow, still waiting for an answer.
He takes a deep breath. “They’re reasons why I love you,” he says so quietly I’m not sure if I heard it right. I open my mouth to respond, but he flips his fedora off and pulls the blue note back out. “I know you haven’t been reading them the past few days, but will you please read this one?”
He settles the letter in my palm, then places the deck of cards on top. I stay frozen, staring at the gift. He’s not mad? I yelled at him, avoided him, dodged his calls and texts, and yet he’s still giving me things. And did he say he loved me? Love… he said that… and my mind won’t catch up to what’s happening.
I rip open the letter, only half aware that Nate has started walking down the hall without me.
Kaylee,
For over a hundred years, magicians have been pulling objects out of hats. Rabbits, flowers… It’s become such a famous trick that rabbits are known to represent magic in general.
I’m a magician. I’ve been pulling things from hats since I learned the trick at ten years old. It’s all about sleight of hand. Misdirection.
Distraction.
What people don’t really know is it isn’t the magician that makes the trick magical. It’s the object. What is a zig-zag box without the blades? What is a cage without a dove?
What is a hat without a rabbit?
The object is the spark—the real reason why the illusion is worth seeing, worth doing, worth discovering.
Sometimes magicians lose their rabbits. They get lost in the act, or the magician makes a mistake and has to coax the rabbit back out. Because without the rabbit, the trick is useless. Without the rabbit, the hat becomes insignificant.
Kaylee Elizabeth Sperling, you are the rabbit to my hat, and I love you. Please forgive me for losing the spark in your trick. I will do whatever I can to make it up to you, starting with this deck of cards. 52 reasons why I love you. And I could fill another deck. Perhaps two more or three.
Whatever it takes to coax my rabbit back out.
-Nate
My heart’s pounding by the end. My eyes slightly blurry, my breathing heavy.
“Wait!” I spin around, hoping he’s still in the hallway. Nate looks over his shoulder, and I head toward him.
“I’m so sorry,” I say, meaning every word, regretting all the time lost that was my fault. “It was an accident and I said things because I was mad, not that I really felt them. I was so mean, so mean, and I’m sorry, and I want to take all of that back because I love you, too. I love you so much, and it’s crazy early to feel this way but I do—”
His lips cut me off. His hands wrap around my waist. My arms lock around his neck. My nails scrape through his hair, our bellybuttons touch, hearts pounding and pounding and pounding making it feel like they’re lifting me off my feet. But then I realize I am off my feet. Lifted in the air and spinning like in a movie.
I feel back in my puzzle box, fit snuggly against my puzzle partner. I feel like I may have lost something, but I’ve found something too, and it’s fantastic.
No… more than fantastic. It’s magical.
My feet touch the ground, and my lips leave his. Our foreheads touch, sticky and hot from the run still. I let out a tiny laugh.
“I’m sweaty.”
“So am I.” He sighs like we both know we should head back to the locker room and shower, but we don’t want to leave each other’s arms. “Do you want to come over tonight?”
“I can’t.” I frown. “I’ve got that award thing for my dad. Put those swing dance lessons to good use.”
“Well, I think maybe you need one more practice session before.” He half smiles. “Just in case.”
“I agree.” My teeth pull over my bottom lip as I look up and down the hallway, then I lower my voice. “I’ve never skipped class before.”
“Neither have I.”
“There’s a first time for everything.”
He grins a wicked grin with me and pecks my nose.
“I’ll meet you outside.”
Then we walk hand-in-hand to the locker room, and it takes us both a lot of effort to let go when we get there.
***
Nate and I don’t make it too far past my front door before I tackle him to the carpet. He only laughs for a split second, then he kisses me back long and hard. His fingers get tangled in my wet braid so I rip it out, flinging the hair tie across my living room. Then I feel his warm fedora settle on top of my head.
Our kisses taste like strawberries. I blame my lip-gloss, but he doesn’t seem to mind it, keeping his lips locked tight with mine. His hands run down my ribs and settle on the exposed skin between my top and jeans. A sharp gasp flies from my mouth when he squeezes, and all of a sudden we’re not on the ground anymore. We’re fumbling to our feet, tripping up the stairs, stumbling past my bedroom door, and he’s kissing me and kissing me, and my head’s on a giant cloud, over the moon, sliding down a rainbow.
My hands meet his chest and shove. He flies back onto my mattress, and I’m on top of him in a second, kissing him back. Kissing him and kissing him and not knowing how I know what I’m doing but just letting it happen because I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop. My body keeps buzzing and zapping and tumbling down a big giant hill, and I want him close to me. Closer. Closer. And closer.
He turns his face, making my lips land on the stubble on his cheek. He breathes hard and lets out a small, “Okay” before turning back to me.
“Okay what?” I ask, and then shiver uncontrollably as his hand sneaks under my shirt.
He pulls me near so he can kiss a path across my neck. “I was just saying okay.”
“Is something wrong?” I ask, still not understanding, mind too wrapped up in his hand scorching up the bare skin of my back. My breath comes out ragged, moans slipping past my teeth every second. My hips roll with his on their own accord, and they don’t stop. I’m not sure if I should worry about if we’re going too fast or too far. It’s not like we’ve talked about this, but instead of asking, “How far is this going?” he flips me underneath him, giving me a twitchy and adorable smile.
“I was just making sure the door is closed.”
I giggle. “Paranoid much?”
“I have every reason to be!” he shouts, batting at the fedora on my head before pulling it off entirely. My shirt follows after that. Then his. Then both our pants. He blushes like crazy when he pulls a condom out from behind my ear. I tear into it and I don’t know how this is happening but it is and it’s wonderful and thrilling and nerve-wracking, and I haven’t felt more loved or cared for than the moment when he pauses over me, wipes my bangs from my forehead, and asks if I’m okay.
And I am. So we keep going till we’re done.
He stares at the ceiling while I stare at him, both our bodies knocked out of breath. I reach across the bed and slide his fedora back on. He offers up a lazy grin.
“Let’s n
ot fight again, okay?” he says. I lean up and kiss his nose.
“People always say that.” I snuggle into his arms. “But I want the fights just for this right here.”
“Make up sex?” he jokes, and I pinch his side.
“For a stronger relationship.”
He squeezes my shoulder and gives me a small kiss on the forehead. My mind starts drifting and drifting, body glued to his while my eyes close. Nate lightly snores over my head. The world goes black for what feels like two seconds, but when I blink my eyes back open, I look at the clock and shoot upright.
“Nate, get up, get up!” I roll over him and land with a thud to the floor, tangled in my comforter. “I have to get ready.”
“Huh? What?” he asks, rubbing his eyes, sitting up and showing off his yummy bare skin. I chuck his suspenders at him.
“My dad’s award dinner. It’s in an hour.”
He lazily stretches. “So that’s it? Wam, bam, thank you, Magic Man?”
He grins, and I growl because he’s not getting it.
“Nate!” I grasp his shoulders and shake. “He’s gonna be home any second!”
Crystal eyes widen, and he sits up so fast we knock foreheads. After fumbling for clothes and shoes and rushed kisses, Nate gets out the door, hair an adorable mess and only one suspender strap in place. I give him a small wave, biting my smile back as he gets to his car. But before he drives off he comes back for another kiss.
“I love you,” he says, and my heart explodes into pink fireworks.
“I love you, too.”
I watch him drive away before shutting the door and sighing at the ceiling. I already feel like calling Lexie and spilling, knowing that I totally could and she’d listen. But an even stronger impulse to keep this special between me and Nate tugs at my heart. I went from having a gerbil as a best friend to having two actual people. One I love more than anything and one I can talk to about everything.
I slide down the back of the door and squeal into my knees. I will be Nate’s rabbit for as long as he lets me.
Chapter 20
Dan Barrington stands on stage, his hood pulled up over his head and his pants practically hitting the floor. The music turns on and he starts rapping Jay-Z. Really? He grew up on the rich side of town and drives a BMW to school. This is my competition? Ha! I got this in the hat.
