Catherine, Boston
It’s not what they should do, it’s what YOU should do. Call a family meeting. I do this all the time when something’s bothering me. Tell your folks that their bickering is getting everyone down, and that it’s reaching the point where it’s giving you so much anxiety, you don’t even want to spend time with them any more—which makes you sad, ’cos you love them both very much. If they still can’t resolve their problems after that, ask if they can at least make an effort to be civil to each other while you’re around.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My wife gets very aggressive during her “time of the month,” but if I point this out, she gets even angrier. What can I do about this?
Gary, London
If there are four words that a married man should never say to his wife—especially during an argument—it’s “time of the month.” It’s the atomic bomb option, and the bomb’s only ever gonna land in one place: on your fucking head. Personally, I have a lot of sympathy for women when it comes to the T.O.T.M.—it must be awful. My advice to you, Gary, is to simply get out of the house if you suspect that’s what’s putting your missus in a bad mood. As anyone in the Army will tell you: it’s harder to hit a moving target.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
I want to propose to my girlfriend. The trouble is, her father died ten years ago, and now she has a stepfather who she doesn’t really like. Do I need to ask his permission?
Ted, Stevenage
No. But if you want to keep the peace, why not ask the mother and the stepfather at the same time? It’s never a bad idea to suck up to the in-laws, ’cos if you’re anything like me, at some point you’re gonna need all the goodwill you can get.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m convinced my husband has fallen in love with one of his colleagues, but I don’t think he’s having an affair—yet. Should I do nothing, or confront him? I’d prefer it if he had a one-night stand than a close emotional relationship with another woman.
Joan, Bristol
Unless you have convincing evidence that something dodgy’s going on, I’d leave it alone. Otherwise, your husband could end up saying to himself, “Oh, well she thinks I’m messing around anyway, so why not go for it?” Or you could make him defensive, and then he might start to lie, and then you’ll have this big wedge between you. The absolute last thing you want to do is make it You vs. Them, ’cos that’ll just make ’em closer. One sneaky tactic you could use is to befriend this woman and start hanging out with her all the time—the old “keep your enemies closer” game. Not that Sharon would ever do that, mind you. If she ever suspected anything, she’d be round the other woman’s house in a heartbeat, breathing fire all over the place, and scaring the living shit out of her.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
This will make me sound like a chauvinistic pig, but I hate the fact my wife earns far more than me. It’s not like she brags, but it’s driving me insane that she pays for everything, from the nanny to our family car. How can I consider myself a “real” man?
Jasper, Surrey
I know exactly how you feel. When I first started seeing Sharon, I was the smelly guy who’d pissed away all his money and been fired by his band, and she was one with diamonds and fur whose dad was a multimillionaire. It made me feel terrible. In fact, I think it would make any man feel terrible unless he’s some kind of gigolo who preys on loaded women. It might be an old-fashioned way of looking at the world, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to provide. If that ain’t an option, though, you just need to make sure the missus knows you’re grateful—maybe by cooking dinner, doing the dishes, giving her foot massages, etc. Whatever you do, don’t do what I did, and steal a bunch of flowers from the nearest graveyard to give to her. It might have seemed like a good idea at the time, but it soon backfired when she realised there was a card attached—which I’d forgotten to take off. She thought it was gonna to be a romantic poem or something. Instead it said, “In loving memory of our dearest Harry.”
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My wife insists on going to therapy every week, but as the earner in the family, I get lumped with the bills. Now the therapist is telling my wife she needs an expensive holiday—and that she should stand up to me more on “financial issues”! So I’m paying someone to make me poorer and ruin my marriage. What should I do?
Steven, Norwich
I’ve been in a similar situation myself, and there’s an easy solution: suggest to the missus that you go along to one of her “sessions,” so you can say to the therapist in person, “Look, I resent the fact I’m forking out good cash to help my wife, and all you’re doing is poisoning her against me.” Or you could just punch the guy in the face, and go, “Analyse that.” Seriously, though: you’ve gotta give your side of the story. Therapists aren’t superhuman, they’re just paid to listen (and make suggestions, in some cases). If your wife refuses to let you go, then it might be time to get suspicious. She could be using her weekly “sessions” as a cover up for something else, possibly involving the pool boy.
Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Flesh & Blood
Find the answers—and your score— here
1. Which well-known historic person was sold to human traffickers by his family when he was a kid?
a) Martin Luther King
b) Joseph from the Bible
c) Oliver Cromwell
2. What’s the most number of babies (allegedly) ever born to one woman?
a) 71
b) 102
c) 69
3. In 2010, a woman in New Mexico, USA, did what to her daughter-in-law during a fight?
a) Ripped off her nipple
b) Pushed her out of a tenth-floor window
c) Tattooed “FOR SALE” on her forehead
4. According to therapists, what is the secret to a successful marriage?
a) Using flattery and persuasion
b) A bonk every other day
c) Being a total loser
5. How old was the youngest (confirmed) mother in medical history?
a) 7
b) 6
c) 5
Surgery: Not Just for Professionals
5
If You Want Something Done… Do It Yourself
Okay, before we start this chapter, I don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea: I ain’t saying you should go out and buy a hacksaw, a pair of barbeque tongs, and tube of Super Glue, then try and remove one of your own kidneys. If something’s bothering you, and you’ve got any choice in the matter, go to a fucking doctor—a real one, not Dr. Ozzy—instead of trying to fix the problem yourself. Especially if it involves chopping something off, taking something out, or making your tits bigger.
Sometimes, though, doing it yourself is the only way to go. Like that guy who went hiking in Utah, got stuck under a rock, then had to chop off his own arm. If he hadn’t been willing to get his hands dirty, he’d still be under that rock today. Then there was the famous case of that chick in Mexico who went into labour when she was all alone and in the middle of nowhere (she lived halfway up a mountain, and her husband was down the pub). She didn’t want to risk going into labour, ’cos her last baby had been born dead, so she chugged half a bottle of rubbing alcohol, got out the kitchen knife, gave herself a C-Section, then passed out. The kid was fine… although he had a bit of a hangover.*
Obviously it’s unlikely you’ll ever find yourself in such a heavy duty situation. On the off-chance, though, I recommend tearing out the next few pages and keeping ’em with you at all times.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I think my arm is broken, but I don’t have health insurance (I live in the United States) and I don’t want to end up getting a bill for thousands of dollars from a hospital emergency room. Is there a fail-safe (and painless) way to make your own plaster-cast?
Stephen, Florida
Okay Stephen, this is what you have to do: get yourself down to the local Wal-Mart and buy three paper cups, some sticky-backed plastic, a pen
, four knitting needles, and a ball of string. You’ll also need a lemon, some ice, and tube of toothpaste. Oh, and a bag of cement mix. Lay it all out on the kitchen table. Then take a deep breath. When you’ve done all that… GO. TO. A. DOCTOR. Honestly, are you fucking mad? Even if you don’t have any dough, the E.R. will still treat you, and you can deal with the debt-collectors later. Trust me, your arm is going to be a lot more useful than any cash you might lose.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
If I ever had to remove my own leg in an emergency (say, I was trapped under something heavy while a long way from home, as in the movie 127 Hours), how difficult would it be?
Jay, Los Angeles
Depends. If you had a chainsaw handy, it wouldn’t be difficult at all—apart from the screaming agony part. Also, it goes without saying that you’d have to be pretty fucking sure there were no other options before you went all-in. The last thing you’d want is go to all the bother of amputating your own leg, only for ten fire engines to pull up three minutes later. In terms of the technicalities, I can only tell you what I saw on 127 Hours: you need to make a tourniquet; saw through the skin, flesh and muscle; find a way to break the bone (or bones); then snip the tendons. Then you’ve gotta find help before dying of blood loss or infection. In other words, it’s best avoided, if at all possible.
DR. OZZY’S INSANE-BUT-TRUE STORIES
DIY Surgery—What NOT to Try…
Self-circumcision with a pair of old nail clippers. A bloke in Hertfordshire tried this in 2009 and ended up in the emergency ward with a plaster cast on his knob. “This is something we would advise men never to attempt,” said the hospital. No fucking shit, man.
Gastric bypass operation using a kit you bought on Amazon.com. This ain’t a joke: a company in America was actually selling “Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass Kits” on the internet until recently. It was all a big mistake, apparently: the kit was only supposed to be available to hospitals. Still, it got 38 “user reviews”—all of ’em from people taking the piss.
Brain surgery. A bit of an obvious one this, I would have thought—but not to a chick in Gloucester who drilled a hole in her own head while standing in front of a mirror (with a video camera running), ’cos she’d been told it might cure “tiredness.” It all went well apart from the fact she put a big fucking hole in her head (although there can’t have been much grey matter there to begin with). Afterwards, she insisted she felt much better.
Laser eyesight correction. The main problem with zapping your own eyeballs is that you need your eyeballs to make sure you’re pointing the laser at the right part of your eyeballs… it’s also pretty hard to get your hands on a reliable laser, unless you live in a volcano and answer to the name “Blofeld.” The one in your old CD player ain’t gonna do much good.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I want to look like a celebrity but can’t afford the high cost of getting my acne scars removed by a surgeon. If I buy my own silicone on the Internet, could I simply treat the scars myself (I’ve seen how doctors on reality TV shows do the injections)?
Jaynie, London
No, no, fuck no, absolutely no way, and NO again. Times a million. I saw Neil Armstrong land on the moon on the telly, but that doesn’t mean I could pilot the Mars Rover, does it? I’ve heard terrible stories about people buying the wrong kind of silicone—like the stuff they put in car engines—and shooting themselves up with it, only to end up looking like Freddy Krueger from Nightmare on Elm Street. The worst thing is, you can’t just leave it in there: someone has to cut open your face and get it out. To be honest with you, though, I’m not even sure your acne scars are the real problem. If you’re obsessed enough about your looks that you’re willing to stick a needle in yourself, there might be something else going on. In fact, I would recommend talking to a therapist, ’cos it might be that you’re suffering from some kind of negative body image disorder. I ain’t got anything against plastic surgery—I’ve had it done myself, and so has my wife—but sometimes people get way too hung up on this stuff.
Dr. Ozzy:
I crushed my finger between two heavy steel pipes: now it’s swollen and black. Do you think it’s broken?
Phil, Essex
This question isn’t as stupid as it sounds, ’cos I once broke my tibia—my shinbone—and I didn’t realise it for weeks. I thought I was just bruised or something. Mind you, I was so blasted all the time, you could have taken a chainsaw to my right arm and I probably wouldn’t have noticed. In fact, I think the reason I broke my tibia in the first place is because I was off my nut and fell down a flight of stairs. The other problem was, no-one ever used to listen to me when I complained about breaking something, because they all knew I saw it as an excuse to get my hands on some pain pills, which meant I could get even more out of my skull. I was like the boy who cried wolf, y’know? Especially when we were in America. I mean, you can’t go a doctor in the states for anything without coming away with a bottle of pills. I used to turn up at appointments with a fucking shopping trolley. And in my darkest days, I used to actually try to injure myself to get pills. Which brings me back to the question: if you’re asking me if your finger’s broken, you’re obviously not the kind of person who tries to scam your doctors, so if I were you, I’d go and get it X-rayed. Either that, or go out and play a couple of games of pool. You’ll know if it’s broken or not after that.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I have a corn on my right foot, and after a lot of consideration, I’m thinking of trimming it myself. Are there any risks I should know about?
Gian, Frosinone, Italy
Don’t do it, man. Seriously. I had a hairdresser once who got some kind of growth on his foot, so he dealt with it himself, forgot about it for years, then found out—too late—that it was cancer. The other thing you’ve gotta bear in mind is, your entire body is weighing down on that foot for most of the day, so if things go wrong in that area, it can have consequences you can’t even imagine. I mean, if you got a blow-out on your car, would you get out your little bicycle repair kit, glue the hole back together, then head out on the motoroway? No. So get yourself to a doctor—or better yet, a chiropodist.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Is it really true that a Russian GP stationed in Antarctica removed his own appendix, spent only a fortnight recovering, then carried on with his work? Could anyone basically perform a self-appendectomy if there were no other help available?
Gillian, Spain
I got someone to look this up for me, and as mind-blowing as it sounds, it’s absolutely true. It ain’t the only case, either. Another doctor in America took out his own appendix just to prove that his anaesthetic worked (it’s a good job the guy wasn’t selling guns for a living—he might have ended up shooting himself in the head to prove his bullets worked). Just because a few nutters have managed to slice themselves open doesn’t mean anyone else should try it, though—no matter what the circumstances. Unless you’ve got a set of mirrors handy, some sharp knives, a bag of hardcore antibiotics, and a pair of balls the size of Mount Rushmore, you’d be better off using your energy to find medical attention before you start digging around in your own stomach with a Swiss Army Knife. I mean, could you honestly say you’d even know what an appendix looked like? Knowing me, I’d end up cutting out a lung instead.
Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Under the Knife
Find the answers—and tote up your score— here
1. Which of these horrendous medical errors really happened?
a) Amputating the wrong leg
b) Bifurcation (which left the patient with a forked tongue)
c) Transplanting the wrong heart and lungs
2. Which of these DIY cosmetic surgeries did people really attempt?
a) A nose job with a chisel and a chicken bone
b) Double chin surgery with a bread knife and a vacuum cleaner
c) Lip augmentation with an injection of “sexual lubricant”
3. What does “auto-enucleation” mean?
; a) Deliberately exposing yourself to radiation
b) Gouging out your own eyes
c) When you body rejects an anaesthetic
4. In Medieval times, who did you go to for surgery?
a) A barber
b) A blacksmith
c) A carpenter
5. Which of these famous medical cases resulted in death…
a) The man who removed his own pacemaker
b) The man who deliberately cycled into the back of a truck to fracture his jaw, so it could be reset in a “more attractive” way
c) The woman who tried to give herself liposuction by cutting her thighs and squeezing out the fat
General Practise
6
Dr. Ozzy’s A-to-Z of Uncommon Complaints
Every day, people write to me about the craziest shit you’ve ever heard in your life. A lot of the questions are so far-out, it’s impossible to sort them into any normal categories. That’s why I’ve put all the whacky stuff into this chapter and listed them alphabetically—so if you swallow a tennis ball, get a screwdriver stuck in your right ear, or start vomiting through your eyeballs, all you’ve gotta do is look under the right letter, and hope you find the answer. Personally, I wish I’d had a guide like this for myself over the years, ’cos it would have come in very handy that time when my right leg started to dance a jig all by itself (look under “J” for “Jimmy Legs”), or when I accidentally ate a bumblebee on the way to the pub (see “F” for “Flies & Other Insects’ ”). Oh, you’ll also find some “Surgery Noticeboard” announcements in between the Q&As: we print these in The Sunday Times Magazine whenever we get a ton of e-mails on one subject. As a fake newspaper doctor with fuck-all qualifications, I’m always happy to pass along other people’s dodgy advice.
Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy Page 8
