by Rona Halsall
‘Wow,’ she said again, unable to form a more coherent response, but Matt didn’t seem to notice.
‘I’m going to turn the garage room into a proper home office. I’ve already got electricity, broadband and heating in there, so that’ll be easy. A few more sockets maybe. Better lighting. Security system. Then I’ll need…’ He stopped talking and laughed, reaching out to stroke her cheek with the back of his hand. ‘There’s actually no point telling you the details, is there? You haven’t got a clue about this stuff.’
She put the glass down before she threw it at him. Why did he assume that because she didn’t understand IT-speak, she was clueless about everything? She was the one with the business studies degree, so she did understand about running a business – probably more so than he did. She kept her thoughts to herself, though, letting him ride the crest of his wave.
He took her other hand, making her look at him. ‘I’ve been costing it out. I’ve even been talking to suppliers today and sweet-talked some excellent discounts. I’m thinking it should take a month or so to get it all set up and ready. And the best news is that it’s only going to cost nine grand or thereabouts.’
She gasped, panic filling her head, making her pulse race. ‘But we haven’t got that sort of money, have we?’
He looked a bit taken aback, as though she was missing something obvious and he couldn’t quite believe she was being so dense. ‘I thought we could use the contingency fund. You know, the money your aunt left you. In fact, I was going to look for the account information today, then I remembered it’s in your name, so I can’t access it anyway. Ten grand, wasn’t it?’ Sara tried to hide her dismay, but he caught the change in her expression and his voice had a harder edge to it. ‘I know I said we shouldn’t take risks. Keep it in the bank for a crisis. But this is a crisis, love. And an opportunity at the same time. It would be an investment in our future. The kids’ future too.’
She chewed at her lip, unable to find a single thing to say. How could she tell him the money was no longer there?
He misread her silence and dropped her hand, his disappointment bringing a sudden coolness to the air and a snap to his voice. ‘Don’t you want me to be happy? Don’t you want me to follow my dreams?’
She cleared her throat. ‘Of course I do, love. It’s just a lot to take in, and I think… I think… Is that the pasta burning?’ She grabbed the oven gloves and pulled the dish out of the oven, putting it on the hob, where it bubbled and spat. ‘Just in time.’ She gave him a quick smile. ‘Let’s talk about it later, when the kids are in bed and I’ve got a clear head, okay?’
He nodded, mouth twisting from side to side. ‘Sorry I went off on one. I’m just so pumped about the whole thing. I truly believe I’m on to a winner.’
‘It sounds exciting. Honestly it does.’ She tried to force some enthusiasm into her voice. ‘But you’re going to have to explain it a bit more, so I understand exactly what we’re investing in. Because once that money’s gone… well, there’s no getting it back.’
She loathed her own hypocrisy, telling him this when she had been lured by the promise of high returns and put everything in that one investment.
What’s Matt going to say when he finds out?
Her heart clenched at the thought of smashing his dreams. Seeing him so full of optimism and ideas reminded her of the young man she’d first met at university. He’d just started his first job on the help desk there and had come to sort out an IT problem for her. He was funny and kind and didn’t make her feel stupid, and the ideas he had, his take on the world, were so refreshing and different, she’d quickly become besotted with him. Somehow, in the intervening years, that spark had been extinguished, the pressures of life robbing him of the joy she’d seen on his face just moments ago. She couldn’t take that away from him. Not when he’d clearly been slogging away in a job he wasn’t really enjoying for her sake. For the family’s sake.
I can’t let him down like that, can’t jeopardise our future. But she was going to have to think of something pretty damned quick to make sure that didn’t happen.
Chapter Eight
By the time the kids were all settled in bed, Matt was pacing the floor in his eagerness to discuss his plans further. Sara felt the contents of her stomach lurch as soon as she entered the lounge and realised that she couldn’t avoid the conversation any longer. I’m going to have to confess. Bile shot up her throat and she dashed back upstairs, just making it to their en-suite bathroom before she was sick.
She knelt on the floor in front of the toilet as her stomach heaved until there was nothing left. Exhausted and shaken, she leant against the bath, her heart hammering in her chest, nausea swirling around her belly, making her reluctant to move. Footsteps thumped up the stairs and Matt appeared in the doorway.
‘You okay, love?’ His face was etched with concern.
She shook her head, her voice feeble. ‘Just feeling a bit sick. Must have picked up a bug or something.’
‘It wasn’t my cooking, was it?’ he joked, but she could see the worry on his face. He always struggled to know what to do when she was ill.
‘I had a prawn sandwich for lunch and forgot to put it in the fridge at work. I think it must be that.’ She couldn’t look at him in case he could see the lie in her eyes. Her sickness was nerves, pure and simple, with a side helping of fear. When did I get scared of telling him the truth? she wondered, then told herself not to be so ridiculous. There was nothing scary about her husband. Nothing.
‘Let’s get you into bed,’ he said, helping her up from the floor. ‘Can I get you anything? Hot water maybe, to settle your stomach?’
She shook her head. ‘No thanks, I think I just need to lie down.’
‘Don’t worry about the business stuff,’ he said as he helped her to the bed. ‘We can talk about that tomorrow.’ She changed into her pyjamas before slipping under the covers and he sat beside her, stroking her hair away from her face, fingers caressing her cheek. His tenderness made her feel even worse. A sudden sob caught in her throat and she turned away from him, burying her face in the duvet so he wouldn’t see how upset she was.
He left her alone, saying he was going to start work on setting up his office, and as soon as she heard the back door close, she hopped out of bed and retrieved her phone from the pocket of her jeans.
‘Hiya,’ Hailey said when she answered the call. ‘So what’s going on? Have you had a chance to talk to Matt?’
‘He’s been made redundant. That’s what’s been going on.’ Once she’d started, Sara couldn’t stop the whole story coming out, telling her sister how distraught Matt had been when he’d got home the night before.
‘Fiona’s wangled full-time hours for me for a month, maybe more, so we’ll have a bit extra coming in. Not enough to cover all the bills, but it’s a help. Matt’s got the mortgage repayments put on hold, so that’s good. But…’ She stopped, closing her eyes for a moment before making herself go on. ‘Oh Hailey, I’ve done something really stupid.’
Hailey was quiet for a minute. ‘Come on then, spill the beans.’
Sara took a deep breath and told her about the failed investment and Matt’s sudden plans to launch a new business. ‘Look, I hate to ask,’ she said. ‘But I don’t suppose you could lend me the money, could you? Just temporarily, until I get a chance—’
‘No, absolutely not.’ Hailey cut her off, anger thundering through her words. ‘I can’t believe you even asked me that, after everything we went through with Mum. And you know…’ She stopped, her breath crackling down the phone, her voice more measured when she spoke again. ‘No. The answer’s no. You’ll just have to come clean. Or… could you get an overdraft extension or a short-term loan from the bank? Get a new credit card and put it on that?’
‘There’s no way I can borrow any more money. We’re maxed out on all our cards. The bank will want income details for a loan.’ Desperate tears welled in Sara’s eyes. ‘I can’t tell him I’ve lost it all, he’ll
go mad. Please, Hailey.’
‘No, Sara, I can’t. It would be just about all the money I have, and I can’t risk it. It’s never a good idea to lend to family members. What if his business idea doesn’t work and then I lose my safety net as well?’ She sighed. ‘I’m sorry, I really am. But I’ve got to make sure me and Cassie have a bit of security.’
‘Right,’ Sara whispered and ended the call without even saying goodbye, because she knew it would set off the tears.
She lay in the dark, her mind going round and round the same circular route until she had to accept there was no way out of the mess she’d got herself in. She was just going to have to tell him.
With a sigh, she got out of bed, wrapped herself in her dressing gown and padded downstairs to the kitchen, where she filled the kettle and got out two mugs ready to make tea. It’ll be fine, she told herself, a shiver of unease running through her. She pulled her robe tighter, arms tucked round her body. It was a mistake. We all make mistakes. Not the end of the world. But it felt like it. For her, anyway, because her upbringing had made her wary of mistakes. Mistakes meant punishment, and that could be anything from a punch or a slap to going without food or being locked in her room. There was no consistency. Not when her parenting had involved a stream of her mother’s boyfriends and seven foster homes, each with its own set of rules.
Her hands were shaking as she dropped the tea bags in the cups, her mind trying to rationalise the situation. You’re not a child any more. Nothing bad is going to happen. Apart from her feeling foolish and guilty and ashamed. Matt wasn’t going to give her a slap that would send her spinning across the room, or tip scalding tea on her hand. After the experiences of her childhood, she’d consciously chosen a partner who she was confident would never resort to physical violence. His only weapons were words, and she could cope with that. He would be angry, justifiably so, and she would have to suck it up while they worked out what to do next.
She looked up as the back door opened and Matt walked in, whistling.
‘Hey, love. Let me do that. You go and sit down.’ He shooed her into the living room, following her in and grabbing a fleece blanket to tuck over her legs as she sat on the settee. He came back a couple of minutes later with the tea, put the mugs on the coffee table and sat down next to her, pulling her into a hug.
‘Aw, you’re shaking. Still feeling wobbly?’
She nodded, fear robbing her of words.
He kissed the top of her head. ‘I’m making progress, shifting everything around.’ His upbeat mood rang in his voice, and Sara’s queasiness returned. ‘I think it’ll make the perfect workspace for me. I’m going to get security glass for the window, you know, with bars in, so I’ll have a bit of natural light. A good, solid door.’
His hand stroked the top of her arm as he spoke, tender and loving, his excitement fizzing in the air. She hated herself for what she’d done, couldn’t force her mouth to form the words she needed to say. Instead, she let him chatter on about his plans. ‘I’ve rung Ash – you know, from footie – and he’s going to come and put a couple of extra electric points in, see what we can do with the lighting.’
He was desperate to do this. It was his dream, and she knew what moving towards a dream felt like, even if hers hadn’t quite materialised yet. She couldn’t take this anticipation from him, she just couldn’t. Nausea stirred in her stomach again and she jumped up, ran back upstairs. She couldn’t tell him. Not tonight.
Chapter Nine
The following day, she was up early and out of the house while the chaos of the morning routine was in full swing, making sure there was no time for Matt to ask her about money. She’d decided, as a last-ditch attempt to pull this back, that she’d have a word with Fiona, see if she knew anywhere that might be able to give her a quick loan at a good rate. It seemed like a long shot – mission impossible – but she was running out of options. A headache already thumped at the base of her skull.
As soon as she was settled at her desk, the centre still quiet at this early hour, she started researching loan companies, appalled at the interest rates. The more she thought about it, and how much the repayments might be, the more she understood it was a non-starter.
The arrival of the yoga teacher, quickly followed by her students, made her focus on her job, and the morning became too busy for her to think about her own problems. It was only the appearance of Matt and Ezra at lunchtime that brought her back to reality.
‘I thought we could go out for lunch,’ Matt said, as Ezra clambered onto her knee, desperate for a cuddle.
Her skin prickled, her mind desperately searching for an excuse not to go.
‘I’m really sorry,’ she said, pointing to a pile of receipts on the desk. ‘We’re way behind with the accounts and James asked me to prioritise inputting all these today, but this morning’s been mad and I haven’t even started yet.’ She forced an apologetic smile. ‘It’s a lovely idea, but I don’t think I can. Not today.’
Matt’s face fell. ‘I’ve got to make decisions, love. If I’m going to get this business up and running, I’ve got to order equipment.’
She couldn’t hold his gaze, concentrating instead on Ezra, who clung to her like a limpet. She stroked his hair, his head resting on her chest. ‘I missed you, Mummy,’ he murmured. ‘Are you coming home now?’
‘I’ve just got a bit more work to do, little smudge.’
She couldn’t tell Matt the truth with Ezra there, knowing the conversation would get heated. There was no escape from the consequences of her actions, but she could try and delay the inevitable a little longer.
‘Can we talk tonight?’ She glanced up at Matt, cringed when she saw the disappointment in his eyes. He was about to reply when Molly, who ran the mums and tots group, popped her head round the door.
‘Is it all right for me to set up a bit earlier than usual? There’s nobody in the room, but I just wanted to check.’
Matt gave her a full-wattage smile. ‘I don’t suppose you’d like a little helper, would you?’ He nodded towards Ezra. ‘We’ve just got a bit of a crisis to sort out.’
Sara tensed. Molly stepped into the office and held out her hand. She and Ezra knew each other well, as Sara had attended the mums and tots group with him before he’d started going to nursery. ‘My favourite helper,’ Molly said. ‘And there’s always a treat for helpers, isn’t there?’
Ezra scrambled down off Sara’s knee and grasped Molly’s hand. Sara watched him leave, her heart racing as her excuse for avoiding the conversation walked out of the room. Matt closed the door, his eyes locked on hers. She swallowed, unable to look away.
‘What’s going on, Sara? I get the feeling you’re avoiding talking to me about my business.’
She chewed her lip, unsure where to start.
He pulled up a chair and sat down, leant forward with his elbows on the desk, a determined glint in his eye. ‘We don’t really need to discuss this, do we? All I need is for you to transfer the money to our joint account. I’ve been into the bank this morning and set up a business account, but it’s going to take a few days before it’s up and running.’
‘I’m not…’ She bit her lip. ‘I can’t…’
He frowned, throwing himself back in his chair in frustration. ‘I get it. You’re not behind me on this.’ He folded his arms across his chest, anger flashing in his eyes. ‘You don’t think I can do it, do you? Think it’s too risky, is that it?’
She shook her head. ‘No, no, that’s not—’
‘I’ve been a wage slave for bloody years so that you could be at home with the kids, enjoy being a mum while I took all the pressure. Years of my life on the treadmill. All yes, sir, no, sir, three bags full, sir. Dealing with bloody idiots. Years of my life, Sara. And now I’ve got the chance to actually do what I want, you’re blocking me.’ He glared at her, but his chin was trembling and she could swear that his eyes were brimming with tears. Her heart pounded and she looked at her hands, fiddled with a paper clip as she sear
ched for an easy way to tell him.
‘You know what I think, Sara? I think you don’t actually believe in us any more. That’s what I think.’
Her mouth fell open, her eyes meeting his angry glare, appalled at the turn the conversation had taken. ‘No, you’ve got that wrong! Of course I believe in you.’
His eyes narrowed. ‘But do you believe in us? That’s the question here.’ His voice cracked and he ran his hands over his face, looking at the ceiling for a moment while he gathered his emotions. This was the second time she’d seen him in tears in a matter of days, and his hurt hung in the air, in the sound of his ragged breathing. ‘I thought we were a team, you and me.’ His voice was thick and unrecognisable. ‘But now that I’m asking for your full backing, you’re wavering, and that makes me think…’ He dropped his head, red-rimmed eyes searching her face. ‘It makes me wonder about the state of our relationship.’
Sara gasped, her chest so tight she could hardly breathe. The idea of her relationship – her family being destroyed by her stupidity – was more than she could bear.
‘Oh Matt, don’t be like that. I just needed a little bit of time to get my head round it all. Of course you can have the money,’ she said before she could stop herself. ‘Of course you can.’
His body wilted with relief as hers became rigid with panic, her mind shrieking that she was a weak, stupid woman, telling her to just be honest with him. But it’ll break us if I do that. I can’t tell him, I can’t.
Her eyes stung and she couldn’t speak, couldn’t even say goodbye when Matt got up to leave. She just gave him a watery smile and watched him shut the door as he went in search of Ezra. Her fingers had been clasped so tightly in her lap that they ached, and as she stretched them out, she knocked against the mouse on the desk. The computer screen came to life, and with a lurch of her heart, she realised that the answer to her problem was staring right back at her.
