That’s why she’d been so nice to us. She just wanted to get Daddy. I felt sick and betrayed. And Daddy, too. All I could think was what if they got tired of me and sent me back to Ma’s. I closed the door softly and went back into our room. Alone.
The next morning Missus Foster placed a big bowl of hot cereal in front of me. It had a juicy piece of apple in it. Normally, I would’ve attacked it eagerly, but this morning I didn’t want to eat anything. Especially nothing she fixed.
Daddy looked over at me and frowned. “Eat your food, Clive. We gotta go clear over to the other side of town this morning, and we won’t be eatin’ agin for a while.”
“I’m not hungry.”
Missus Foster gave Daddy a puzzled look. “But that’s your favorite kind, honey.” She smiled at me.
But I turned away, bitterly. Traitor.
Daddy pushed his chair back. “I’m goin’ upstairs to git my things. When I come back, I ‘xpect all that food to be gone. You hear?”
I looked into the cereal, trying to bury my hurt in the steam coming up off the bowl. “Yeah, Daddy.” He looked over to Missus Foster, raised his eyebrows, and then walked up the stairs.
A few days later, Daddy asked me to go to the hardware store in town and get him some new paint brushes. Usually it would’ve taken a while, but today there wasn’t hardly anybody in the store, so I bought the brushes and got back in double quick time. Now I almost wished I’d taken longer.
When I got in the house, I looked around for Daddy, but the house was empty. They must’ve gone out somewhere. I was about to head into the kitchen when I heard voices coming from a little room off the living room. I’d never been in that room before. It was Missus Foster’s private room. I don’t know what she had in there, maybe pictures of her and her husband, but anyway, the door was always closed and Daddy had told me not to go in there.
So when I heard the voices, I was a little surprised. I was about to call out Daddy’s name, but I decided to go on and investigate on my own. The door was open, and if I slid myself against the wall, I could just see in the room without them seeing me. I stuck my neck around the corner, and I could see Daddy and Missus Foster. They were all snuggled up against each other. Daddy’s arm was around her waist, and she was stroking Daddy’s hair. They were looking at some pictures and laughing. They were so busy looking at each other, they didn’t notice me in the shadows.
“So now who’s that?” Daddy pointed to a picture.
Missus Foster laughed in that way that she has. “Me. I think I was about ten there. And those are my parents.”
“Your pa looks pretty serious. Your ma, too.”
“They were, serious that is. Papa taught school and Mama was a big leader in the Negro leagues, fighting for justice for colored people.” Missus Foster opened up another album. “That’s Mama leading a march to open up the local five and dime to colored people. And that’s Papa. See the one over there in the corner.”
“An’ what about you?”
“Home, by myself, mainly wishing I had a brother or sister to play with. But while Mama and Papa fought the battles of the race, I played alone, I ate alone and I lived alone.”
I could see Daddy kiss her in a comforting kind of way. She opened up another book and pointed to a picture. “That’s my ex-husband.”
“Pretty handsome fella.”
“He thought so. Harmon Theodore Foster. The most desirable and sought-after colored man in Philadelphia. A doctor with a booming practice. And he wanted me. Me, Eloise, or Elle as I liked to call myself. It sounded more interesting and mysterious, you know.”
“So what happened?”
Missus Foster hesitated for a minute, then she threw her head back and smiled in a way that wasn’t really a smile. “Soon after we married, he started staying out late, not drinking, not even with different women. Just one woman, a woman I later found out he’d always loved, but his parents hated her, a poor girl from the wrong side of town. So he married me to appease them. But he never stopped loving her.
“Marriage is funny like that. It only really changes things for a minute, and then after a while, sometimes it’s years, sometimes less, but after a while the old selves that had temporarily come together reemerge, and the one becomes two again. Sometimes never to be one again.”
Missus Foster sighed. “So I was alone. Again. That’s why I got the boarding house. In hindsight, I think it was my own subconscious way of ensuring that I wouldn’t be alone anymore. Even if it was the company of passing strangers, at least the empty rooms would be alive with voices, with people.”
Daddy took her in his big arms and cradled her gently. Then he started kissing her, almost like he was afraid she’d leave or something. “You don’t never have to be alone again, honey. I promise you,” he said so softly I could barely hear.
When I thought I couldn’t stand to see any more, Missus Foster pushed the door shut, slamming it in my face. Now I was sure Missus Foster was plotting to get rid of me. Just like Ma had, she wanted Daddy all for herself. I could feel tears starting to come. I didn’t want to cry. I wasn’t a little kid anymore. But I just didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t let her separate me and Daddy. I know Daddy didn’t love her more than me, but I didn’t know what to do.
I was thinking all of this as I sat in the chair I normally loved to sink down in and absentmindedly flipping through a book. I wasn’t reading, just thinking. I didn’t even notice Daddy walk in.
He looked over at me. “Mighty quiet over there, Clive. Cat got yo’ tongue?”
I stared hard at the book, refusing to meet Daddy’s eyes. “No.”
Missus Foster went over to the credenza and took out a shiny new pack of cards. “Do you want to play cards with us? We’re gonna start a game of spades.” Her voice, which before I had thought was so sweet and perfect, now just grated against me.
“Uh…uh…I’m reading.”
Daddy kicked off his shoes and laid his feet up on the hassock. “You sure you feeling all right? Maybe you needs to git in the bed. We been gettin’ up real early lately.”
I shifted in my chair, wondering if I looked as mad as I felt. I bet you do want me to go to bed so you can get back in bed with her, just trying to get rid of me. But of course I couldn’t say that to Daddy, so I just closed my book. “G’night.”
Missus Foster smiled warmly at me, her light brown eyes reflecting my face. “No kiss goodnight for me?”
I shrugged. “I’m too old for that baby stuff. I’m almost eleven.”
Missus Foster looked hurt, and for a minute, but just a minute, I felt kinda bad. Then I remembered what she’d done and that she was probably just plotting to get me out of the way, so I just kicked my foot in the carpet, looking down on the ground.
Daddy turned to me sternly, and for the first time his eyes weren’t smiling. “You’re never too old t’be polite to a lady. You hear me, boy? Now apologize to Missus Foster, and then you go git in bed.”
I swallowed hard. I didn’t want to make Daddy mad, then he’d really send me away, but it was hard pretending when I’d been betrayed. “I’m sorry, Missus Foster.”
“That’s okay, honey. You’re right. That is kinda baby, so why don’t we just shake hands. How’s that?”
What could I say? I did’t want to be anywhere near her, much less shake her hand, but Daddy had made it clear he didn’t want any mess. I reluctantly shook her hand. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, honey, sleep tight.”
Daddy settled back in his chair. Barely turning to me as I left.
“Night. I’ll be up in a bit.”
Yeah right. When Daddy got upstairs, I pretended to be asleep. He leaned over me to check if I really was, but I guess I fooled him pretty good. He quietly undressed, put on his robe, and closed the door behind him.
I tried to stay awake. I wanted to see just how long he’d be there. But every time I tried not to fall asleep, I’d do it even faster. This night was no different. The only thi
ng was that I had this dream.
I was walking down this long tunnel and everything was really bright and light. Like the brightest summer day in August. And Daddy was walking next to me. We were talking just like we used to, and then I remember all of these really odd things all around us. Weird animals and different kinds of plants. They weren’t really pretty, just different and more than anything distracting, because now I couldn’t really concentrate on what Daddy was saying. I was so fascinated by all of these things around me that when I looked up, Daddy was gone.
I looked everywhere, but I couldn’t find him. Suddenly, the place where we’d been didn’t seem so bright, and I just kept running around shouting Daddy’s name. But I couldn’t find him. The light got real bright again. It was so bright that I had to put my hands over my eyes. And I saw HIM, Daddy, standing at the end of the tunnel, he was trying to come to me, but he was stuck. He couldn’t move, and I tried to move. But then slowly the light started to fade and Daddy was gone.
I woke up from the dream, shaking. I didn’t know exactly what it meant, but it seemed to confirm my worse fears that somehow Missus Foster was going to take Daddy away from me. I looked over to Daddy’s bed. He was sitting on the spread, pulling on his big boots. He looked over at me and smiled. “Feeling better?”
I smiled weakly. “Yeah, a little.”
“Good ’cause we really got our work cut out fo us today. Gonna be paintin’ the old McGyver plantation, ’bout five miles from town. It’s a big job, but when we finish we oughta have enough saved to get a little place of our own.”
My heart almost jumped outta me. Maybe I didn’t have to worry about Missus Foster after all.
“Clive, would’ya think about Missus Foster? She sure likes you a lot.”
“She’s okay, I guess.” I looked Daddy directly in the eye. I wanted to see exactly what he was thinking. “What d’you think about her?”
Suddenly, Daddy looked like a big kid. If he wasn’t so dark, he probably would’ve blushed, but he just said in a voice I’d never heard before. “She’s really somethin’ special.”
I got this knot in my throat that just seemed to be growing.
“Fact I was thinkin’ that she might make a nice mama for you.”
The knot was now so big that I could hardly swallow. I couldn’t believe it. I blurted out. “Why do you need her? We’re fine, just the two of us!”
Daddy walked over to me and put his arm around me and gave me a big hug. “Course we are, but it would be nice to have a woman around, too. Don’t ya think?”
I couldn’t even answer him. Daddy looked so desperate. But I couldn’t stand the thought that something else might separate us again.
“Hey now, partner. It’ll always be you and me. You’re my best friend.”He hugged me again and kissed me on the top of my forehead. “But you think about it, okay? Missus Foster’s a real nice lady, and she really likes you. I know that deep down you really like her, too. An’ you know if anything ever happened to me, you’d have another mama to take care of you.”
I turned all the way around so I was facing Daddy, and now I felt tears starting to fill up in my eyes. How could Daddy ever say that? “Nothin’s gonna happen to you, Daddy. I don’t want another mama. I just want you. I just want us!!!”
“And that’s the way it’s gonna be, but someday we’ll each have to share with somebody else. You’ll meet some gal, and me, well…just think about it.” Daddy rubbed his hand over my head. “But don’t worry, I’m not goin’ nowhere. Just promise me that you’ll at least think about Missus Foster, ’cause she’d sure make a nice mama for you.”
I didn’t say anything. I was just wishing that something would happen to take her away from us.
* * *
Daddy was right. The old McGyver plantation was the biggest job we’d ever done. Some rich, old, white man had bought the place, and now he wanted it all painted new again. Daddy had bought these huge buckets of creamy white paint. He handed me the stick to stir it, but I was still too upset to enjoy sloshing the stick around the thick paint the way I normally did.
Since the house was so big, Daddy and me were going to paint the bottom together, and then he’d get up on the ladder and paint the top. I’d hand him the buckets of paint that he’d put on his platform.
We painted in silence for about an hour. My mind was filled with thoughts of how I could convince him that we didn’t need Missus Foster. Or maybe I could convince him that we should just leave Aiken. There were lots of small towns around. There was no reason why we had to stay there. Daddy must’ve been thinking too, because he wasn’t saying anything either. Probably because we weren’t talking, we were making good progress on the bottom of the house. We finished it in about half the time it normally took. Maybe there was somethin’ good to say about silence after all.
When we’d just about done with the bottom, Daddy turned to me.
“Wanna take a break or keep on going and see how far we can get ’fore dark?”
I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t much care either way. Daddy looked tired, but he seemed to wanna keep on. Probably so he could get back to her sooner.
“Ok well, then let’s keep on for about another hour, then we’ll rest for a bit.”
I still wish I had just insisted that we take a break. I could’ve, but I didn’t. Daddy climbed up on the ladder. As always, he got situated, and then I handed him the bucket of paint. But this time, he couldn’t seem to get the bucket fixed right on the platform. So he kept moving it a little to the left, a little to the right. You had to get it at just the right place on the platform or else it wouldn’t be stable.
Then I don’t know what happened. I looked away for a minute, and the next thing I knew the bucket of paint had started to tip.
“Daddy, the paint’s falling!”
Daddy tried to grab it. His hands clutched at the air, missing the can, but then he started falling. I looked on in horror as he crashed to the ground.
“Daaaaaddy!” I ran over to him. I still don’t remember much. It was like a bad dream that I couldn’t stop. He fell hard on the cement driveway. And then he was just still. But there was blood everywhere, pouring out like a dark fountain from his head. His eyes were closed.
I shook him hard, crying and crying. “Daddy, Daddy, don’t die, please don’t die…” I yelled and cried at the top of my voice. Running around and around. “HELP ME, PLEASE! MY DADDY’S HURT! HELP ME!”
But there was no one around. I threw myself on Daddy, hugging him, sobbing loudly. “Daddy please, please wake up…please!”
But he didn’t move. The last thing I remember was it being dark and somebody coming in a big car pulling me off Daddy’s lifeless body.
* * *
The pain was beginning to be overwhelming. Fuck. Someone had taken a jackhammer and was banging on every joint in my body. So this is what it felt like to die. Blood was starting to fill over my eyes. The only thoughts in my mind were Why and Who would dare kill me?
Then it’s as if I heard a chorus of laughter—unearthly beings laughing at me, filling the room with their eery noises. Throbbing pulsating waves of sound taunted me. Telling me to look back. That I had the answers. That I knew why. Look back, they said. Look back. The floodgates of my memories opened up wider, wider than ever before, dusting off memories long buried in the sands of delusion.
And just when I felt as if I couldn’t stand the pain any longer, I saw him—my father—standing at the end of a long tunnel, beckoning to me. But he couldn’t come to me. Like in the dream of long ago. Something was holding him back. Then I realized it wasn’t him. It was ME. Something was preventing me from going to him. I tried, and I wanted to, but I was frozen. Immobilized by guilt, the lies, the deceit, everything I had done, and I knew I had to look back. I had to go all the way back. The Pandora’s box of my past had to be opened even wider.
CHAPTER SIX
Aiken
“Daddy!” I bolted up in the bed, salty tears running
in my mouth.
“Sssshhhh, it’s okay, honey. I’m here.” Missus Foster wiped my forehead with a cloth. Then she kissed me gently on the top of my head and pulled the thick cover up to my chin. Just like I was a baby. I didn’t mind anymore. I had such an empty feeling in me I couldn’t even move.
I kept seeing Daddy falling off the ladder—like a motion picture that got stuck and kept repeating the same parts. After they found me and took Daddy away, they called Missus Foster. She came right away, but it was too late. Daddy had died before they put him in the ambulance.
Missus Foster cried and cried. And I cried. We cried together. I knew then that she had really loved Daddy, maybe as much as I did. The other thing I knew was that she hadn’t been trying to get rid of me, because she told the people at child welfare that she was my aunt, so they’d let me stay with her.
I felt so bad about all the mean things I’d thought about her. I just kept thinking that maybe if I hadn’t wanted so much for her and Daddy not to be together and for something to happen that would prevent them from being together, maybe he’d still be here. In a way I had wished what happened, so it was my fault Daddy was dead. And now it was me who suffered. And Missus Foster, too, because now neither of us had Daddy. We were both nobodies, alone.
Missus Foster must’ve been thinking the same thing because she hugged me tighter than usual. “You know when I met your father, I thought finally God had brought me some happiness.”
I know why Daddy loved her. She was kind, nice and sweet, and if I hadn’t been so stupid, I would’ve seen it, and Daddy would still be here. She gently rocked me back and forth. But I didn’t deserve the love that was pouring outta her. I was the one that should’ve been gone, not Daddy.
“Now go back to sleep, honey. It’s okay.” She stroked the tears away from my cheeks and turned out the light.
This had been happening almost every night since the funeral. I’d finally fall asleep, then I’d have these nightmares. Sometimes I was running down a dark street alone, looking everywhere for Daddy, but he wasn’t there. Other times I was just wandering in a big city, feeling so alone, small and scared. I’d wake up crying, but Missus Foster was always there. Those first few weeks she slept in my room on the couch. She let me have Daddy’s bed. It felt sad to be there, but in a way I could feel him next to me. Hugging me the way he used to. And it made me feel better to think that maybe somehow he wasn’t really gone. I just couldn’t see him.
A Dead Man Speaks Page 4
