by Ember Casey
“N-no.” My voice is starting to shake. “I…I might not be able to have children. But I deserve more than leftovers, Andrew. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to live in Montovia. I’ll be damned if I’m going to have this…this…all of this shoved in my face on a daily basis. I’ll…I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you—”
He strides over to me, pulling my hands into his. He motions with his head toward the coffee table. “Those are not leftovers, Victoria. I had the chef prepare a meal for you. For both of us. I had hoped you would come so that we might enjoy a meal alone together. A…a date, if you will.”
“I won’t. We don’t date, Andrew. I work for you. And we have sex. That’s it. There is no dating.”
He frowns. “There could be dating.”
“There has never been dating. And you’re marrying Princess Justine. Probably within the next week or two. And you’re announcing it tomorrow. What the hell do you think you’re doing here?” I yank my hands away from his. “You want one more pity fuck for the road? Is that what this is? You come to my room with your goddamned leftovers—”
“I told you, they are not leftovers—”
“And you want what from me exactly, Andrew?”
He shakes his head. “Nothing. I don’t want anything from you. I merely wanted to see you tonight. I had hoped that we might—”
“No.” I shake my head. “No. No. No. No. No.” I take a step back, staring at him for a second before I grab the papers with his speech on it. I shove them into his hands. “Here’s what I have of your speech. I’m sure your father’s writers will want to change some things, so you should probably give it to them. And you should leave my room.”
He doesn’t look down at the papers—his eyes never leave mine. “Victoria…”
“No.” I shake my head again. “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to have me one last time before you take another woman as your wife.” I fold my arms over my chest and glare at him. “You know what? I’m sorry I said I would do this for you. I’m sorry I stayed here even a second longer than I needed to. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me, except that I’m some sort of glutton for punishment. I think that’s what this is—I think I’m punishing myself. I know I can’t have you. I’ve always known I couldn’t have you. Even when you told me about this farce of a pageant—even when I thought you were asking me to be your wife while I was lying on that hospital bed—I knew I couldn’t have you. I knew I wouldn’t be enough for you. I don’t know why—”
His mouth opens and he tilts his head. “You thought I was asking you—?”
My gut twists with embarrassment and I shake my head. “It was stupid. I was on drugs. And you were going on and on about how wonderful I was, how you knew I was strong enough to handle it. I made the mistake of thinking you were talking about me, you know, being part of the farce. But only for a second.”
“You are wonderful. And you can handle it.”
“Could have. You mean I could have handled it. But I’m not strong enough. And I’m not the right woman for the job.”
He presses his lips together. “I think you are underestimating yourself.”
I shake my head again. “I’m not. You need someone who can give you an heir. And we’ve had this discussion too many times already. I’m not your girl. I’ll never be your girl. Princess Justine—she’s your girl. She can give you a herd of children. And…” Tears fill my eyes for the millionth time today. “And you like her.”
He closes his eyes for a moment—the sight of my tears must make him uncomfortable. “I do not like her in the same way I like you, Victoria.” He opens his eyes, returning his gaze to mine. “I love you.”
I shake my head.
“I don’t love her, Victoria. I could never love her.”
I close my eyes to prevent my tears from falling. “Stop.”
“Victoria—”
My eyes open and I lift my gaze to meet his. “What do you want from me?”
“I need to hear you say it. I need to hear you admit it just once.”
“And then what? And then what happens, Andrew?”
“I…I don’t know.”
“Then we both get to live the rest of our lives knowing that we might have had something? That if I hadn’t fucked everything up when my adult life was just beginning that I might have been able to have you? That if I was still a whole woman I might actually be enough for you? Will admitting that really make things better for either of us?”
His eyebrows draw together, but he says nothing.
I shake my head and my eyes fill with the stupid tears once more. “Fine. I love you, Andrew. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. I can’t imagine how I’m going to live without you. And I don’t know how I’m going to find a way through this, but I know I will. I will. I will because I have to. And you will, too.”
He stares at me as though he wants to pull me in his arms, but he stands there frozen. “You can’t give up so easily, Victoria.”
“I’m not giving up, Andrew. I’m letting you go.”
Andrew
I just stare at her. I thought that I could make her see. Thought that by getting her to admit her true feelings for me, she’d realize the truth—that she and I are meant to be together, no matter what obstacles stand in our way.
But even now she resists. Even now she tries to push me away, continuing to insist that we can’t be together. When will she realize that we—and we alone—choose what we can and can’t do?
“You don’t need to let me go,” I tell her.
She shakes her head. “I do. Stop pretending like we can make this work. It just makes it harder.”
A tear spills from her lashes and down her cheek. It makes my entire body ache. I don’t want to make her cry. I want to show her that she deserves love—that after everything she’s suffered in this life, she still deserves happiness.
I reach out, cupping her cheek. My thumb brushes across her skin, catching the tear and sweeping it away.
“I love you,” I murmur. “And you love me. It’s as simple as that.”
“Nothing about this is simple,” she says.
“It can be,” I say, leaning closer to her. “When I’m with you, Victoria, everything else fades away. There’s only us—and it’s simple and right and real.”
She starts to shake her head again. “We can’t…”
I silence her with a kiss.
Her entire body tenses when my mouth meets hers, but I need to make her see. When our bodies come together, she can’t deny that we’re supposed to be together.
I sense the exact instant her body starts to respond to mine. Her lips open beneath mine, and her hands come up and grip my shirt, clinging to me as our tongues meet. My hand glides into her hair, holding her face against mine.
Now she has to understand. Has to see how it is between us…
But suddenly, she freezes. Before I even have a chance to register the change in her, she’s jerking away from me and pushing me back.
“No,” she says. “I told you this couldn’t happen. And it won’t. You promised me you would stop this and marry Princess Justine.”
I reach for her. “Victoria—”
“No,” she says. “I want you to leave. Now.”
I frown. “I have no intention of—”
“Leave. Now.” She gives me a look that’s so guarded, so cold, that I feel that sad ache in my chest again.
I move slowly toward the door, but I won’t leave her without a fight. “My speech—”
“I’ll have the final typed version to you tonight, Your Highness.”
And then what? I doubt she’s planning on staying very long after that—but I’m not willing to let her go yet. I stop in the doorway.
“The speech tomorrow,” I say. “I want you there.”
She squeezes her eyes shut and gives a sharp shake of her head. “I can’t.”
“Please,” I tell her. “I need a friend there.
”
Her eyes open. “You’ll have your family there—your mother and father and William and Sophia.”
“I want someone there who knows the truth. The full truth.”
She hesitates. “Don’t make me sit through that.”
“You’re the one insisting I do this. Telling me that this is the right course of action.”
“Because it is. But that doesn’t make it easy.”
I catch her gaze in mine. “Please, Victoria.”
She drops her eyes, saying nothing. I stay where I am, waiting. I long to take her in my arms again, to kiss her one more time, but I don’t.
Finally, she looks up at me. “I’ll think about it.”
That’s the best answer I’m going to get, I know. I straighten, nodding. “Please do. It would mean everything to me.”
She’s already looking away from me. “I need to type up your speech. If you could leave me—”
“Understood.” As much as I hate to go.
She turns away from me, not even offering me a farewell. I wonder if she plans to slip away in the night after she sends me her final version of the speech.
I’ll post someone to watch her door, I tell myself. If she leaves, I want to know. Give myself one last chance to change her mind.
Right now, it’s the only hope I have.
Later that evening, I head outside to the gymnasium. My fingers tap against my pocket, making sure my mobile phone is still there.
Victoria sent me the final version of the speech half an hour ago. I know I should practice it a few times, but I couldn’t bear to look at it. Ever since the speech hit my inbox, I’ve been waiting for a call from Felix, the man I posted outside her door, telling me she’s left. But no call has come, and I’m just growing antsier by the minute. I thought a walk would calm me, but now I’m not so certain.
The light is on in the gymnasium as I approach. For a moment, hope fills my chest—but Felix would have called me if Victoria left her room at all, even to come here. Instead, when I walk through the gymnasium door, I find William practicing.
I shouldn’t be surprised or disappointed, but I am.
He notices me right away. The point of his épée drops.
“Brother,” he says. “What brings you here tonight?”
“Can’t you guess?” I say, striding toward him.
He gives me a wry smile. “You’ve had a rough month. I don’t envy you.”
“Nor I you,” I say. “How is Lady Clarissa?”
He grimaces. “Conniving and ridiculous. But that shouldn’t surprise you.”
“I thought you liked the crazy ones?”
“I never said that. I believe I mentioned that I preferred women who weren’t nobility. Lady Clarissa is the worst kind of noble.” He shrugs. “Thank God I’m the third son. I don’t know what I’d do if I were forced into your position. I’d run off long before I let anyone force me into marriage for political reasons.” His expression turns serious. “Not that I think your situation is hopeless. If you’re thinking of going up on the roof again—”
“I’m not, don’t worry. And don’t look at me like that—I mean it.” I rub the back of my head. “I’ve realized that I have more freedom than I thought. The only problem is that Victoria doesn’t agree with me.”
William is still looking at me very closely. “Fuck—you really have it bad for her, don’t you?”
“Have it bad. That’s putting it mildly.” I can’t believe I’m admitting this to William—we’re hardly the sorts to discuss our feelings with each other. Right now, though, I have no one else to turn to. “She’s…unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t know what I’ll do without her.”
William is still frowning—it doesn’t suit him. But it also shows me he’s taking this quite seriously.
“What are you going to do?” he asks. “You’re supposed to announce your engagement to Justine tomorrow.” He gives a shake of his head. “I suppose you could do worse than Justine. She’s pretty enough.”
“And getting the royal scepter back might win me the good will of the people once again,” I say. “Yes, I know the arguments. But that doesn’t make me happy about any of this. There’s only one woman I want to marry—and she won’t have me. She thinks she’s doing me a favor by running away.”
“She loves you.”
I’m surprised by William’s astuteness—but perhaps I shouldn’t be.
“She has said as much, but she still refuses to choose a future with me.” My jaw tightens. “I’ve tried everything I can to convince her otherwise, but she won’t listen.”
“Then try harder.”
It’s so ridiculous that I almost laugh. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“I’m being serious. If you want her—if you think she’ll make you happier than any other choice you could make—then don’t give up.”
“When did you become a motivational speaker?”
“When my oldest brother couldn’t figure out how to get his head out of his ass and get what he wanted.”
“I’m trying, I assure you.”
“Then as I said, try harder.”
I shake my head, half frustrated and half amused. “It’s a wonder no one has asked you to record these little nuggets of wisdom. How has the world survived without such brilliance?”
“Mock me all you want, but you know I’m right.” His smile falls slightly again. “I mean it, Andrew. I know you think I’m some sort of fuck-up, but I want you to be happy. I’m decent like that.”
“I know you are.” It’s a small comfort, knowing William is on my side, and I’ll take anything at this point.
And honestly, his advice only reinforces what I’ve already decided myself—that I won’t give up on Victoria. One way or another, she’ll be mine.
I’ve made my choice, and I’m not afraid to let the entire world know it.
Victoria
My suitcase arrived earlier this afternoon and I’ve collected all my things. I’m ready to leave the palace—ready to leave Montovia forever. And I have my sleeping pills with me so I know I can brave getting on an airplane, at least.
I had been thinking I could slip out undetected, but as soon as I turn to leave, I see there’s some sort of guard standing watch at the end of the hallway.
I close my door—I’m pretty sure he didn’t see me open it, and even if he did, it doesn’t really matter. This is Andrew’s last-ditch attempt at trying to get me to stay.
Why can’t he see that we want the same thing? If I thought for a second that my staying was in the best interest of anyone, I would do it. But remaining here is only going to hurt us both. And not only that, it will hurt his chances to repair the damage he’s done to his reputation. He’s gone on and on about how important the people of his country are to him, and I’m only trying to help him honor his dedication to them.
Telling myself that my leaving Montovia and Andrew is for some greater good should make it hurt a little less. And maybe if I say it to myself enough, I might actually start to believe it.
I have to leave. I have to do what’s best for everyone in this situation, no matter how much it makes my heart ache in my chest. If our roles were reversed, Andrew would do it for me. It’s not right for either of us to be selfish in this situation considering how many people are counting on him to do the right thing.
It’s not like I’m a prisoner here, even if Andrew has stationed a guard outside. And the longer I stay, the more this is going to hurt both of us. Andrew might think he needs a friend at his speech, but what he really needs is a clean slate. It will be so much easier for us both if I’m not there to witness his public betrothal tomorrow.
I gather my things again. But when I swing the door open this time, it’s not the guard I see—it’s Andrew.
He’s holding one hand up as though he was just about to knock and the other is clutching some crumpled papers.
We stare at each other for a moment before he speaks. “You can’t leave. Not like t
his.”
I set my bags down on the floor near the door. “You really had to put a guard out there?” I motion in the direction of the man at the end of the hall. “You really thought that was the best way to get me to stay?”
He shakes his head. “May I come in?”
“Andrew, there is nothing you can say—”
“There are twenty-seven…” He looks down at the papers in his hand. “Twenty-eight things I need to say to you.”
My brow furrows. “Twenty-eight? What sort of—?”
He clears his throat to interrupt, looking down to read the papers. “Number one.” He blows out a breath and lifts his gaze to mine. “I love that you can make fire from nothing but a twig and a sandal strap.”
I frown.
He nods and looks back down at the paper. “Second. I love how we fit together like perfect pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.”
My shoulders drop as I realize what he’s doing. “Andrew—”
“Third,” he interrupts again. “I love how my name sounds on your lips.”
I shake my head.
“Number four.” He raises his voice, looking over his shoulder. “I love that even when I do something ridiculous, you don’t think I am ridiculous.”
A small smile comes to my lips. “That was not on your list.”
“Consider it the twenty-ninth reason I love you, then.” He grins. “Number five.” He raises his voice again. “I love that I want the world to know that I love you, Victoria.”
“You are being ridiculous.” I tug on his elbow and pull him into my room, closing the door behind him. “You don’t have to do this.”
“Oh, but I do.” He shuffles the paper in his hand before lifting his gaze to mine again. “Sixth, and perhaps most important. I love that when I’m with you, I’m home. I love that when you’re with me, nothing else matters. I love that when you’re in my arms, I’m the man I’m supposed to be.”
I shake my head again and frown. “That was three things, Andrew. And…and—”
He reaches out and touches my face, cupping my cheek. “And nothing. Don’t you see? Nothing else matters. My life doesn’t matter unless you’re in it. You’re the only thing that’s right.”
