Well, if he wanted to settle down with me.
I was all in. That much, I was sure of.
Alice had been right. Jordan had convinced me that I was willing to give settling down a shot. Or at least, I had been.
Now I wasn’t so sure.
Because the devastating truth, the reason I’d had myself a mini-breakdown and quick sob as soon as the boys had sped away from me, was that Jordan wouldn’t choose me to settle down with.
I loved him and I would never get the opportunity to show him or to tell him because I’d already lost him.
Correction: I’d never really had him.
I’d thought I might just have. I’d fooled myself into thinking that I was somehow important to him, but I wasn’t. Even if I was, the sad reality was that I wasn’t as important to him as my brother was.
Which meant my feelings didn’t matter. I couldn’t keep sleeping with a guy who was always going to literally drag me out of his bedroom as soon as his friend called. I couldn’t be with a man who was so embarrassed and ashamed of having fallen for the little sister that he ridiculed the idea of telling Kole. I definitely couldn’t love a man who begged me to leave after sharing what we had last night.
The sound of Jordan’s throat clearing pulled me out of my reverie. “I’ve thought about it a lot, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to turn you down.”
“What?” Kole frowned deeply. “Why? No. Just hear me out.”
“I already have heard you out,” he said, his tone firm but gentle. “I can’t go back to that.”
“But that’s what I’m trying to tell you. You won’t have to. I’ve made some calls and I can get everything off your record, too. You won’t be going back to that. You’d be going back to the record you should have had all along. Think about all the possibilities that would open up for you then.”
Jordan’s entire body tensed and Kole was speaking in a way I’d never heard him speak before. He was pleading with Jordan. Begging him. And there was so much hurt rolling off of my brother right now that I suddenly felt like crying.
Well, not suddenly. I’d felt like bawling my eyes out since the moment I’d come to the realization that I was never going to be important enough to Jordan to risk his friendship with Kole, but now I wanted to cry for my brother. For whatever it was they had both lost and had clearly never told me about.
“What are you two talking about?” I asked quietly. “What’s going on here?”
“It’s nothing,” Jordan snapped, unknowingly solidifying my decision. The history these two shared ran way too deep for there to be space for a third person here. They were always going to have their secrets, their inside jokes, and their years of training and working together.
I was always simply going to be the little sister. The runt who had wanted to tag along and play video games with me. Just because Jordan had given me some orgasms didn’t mean I wasn’t still exactly that in his eyes.
Kole was number one to Jordan. Even if I were to eventually become his number two, I didn’t want to be. I wanted to be number one to the person I eventually settled down with.
So that person couldn’t be Jordan. It was as simple as that really.
As simple as it was, it tore my heart apart to know it for sure. My stupid heart who had stupidly kept me in denial about its true feelings for so long and had only just revealed to me that I really did love him, right in time for said stupid heart to be ripped into shreds.
Thank God I hadn’t told him last night when I’d first had the thought. That would have made the humiliation this morning ten times worse, and I didn’t think I could handle worse. I wanted to curl up in the fetal position on my couch and stay there for the next year as it was.
“I’m sorry, bro,” Jordan said, his voice filled with emotion that I didn’t understand and obviously never would. “It’s not about that. It’s never been about that for me. I really appreciate your offer, but I have to decline.”
Kole huffed out a breath. “Okay. I can accept that, but it does mean that I have to go. I lined up interviews this morning on the chance you turned me down. I was hoping we’d be able to have breakfast to seal the deal and that I could just cancel all the interviews, but now I’ve obviously got to go.”
Jordan gave him an apologetic smile. “I really am sorry.”
“No, it’s okay.” Kole reached out to squeeze Jordan’s shoulder. “It was a long shot. Thanks for actually thinking about it, though.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
Kole pulled his wallet out of his pocket and threw some bills down on the table as he got up. “Let me at least still pay for your breakfast. I feel like an asshole for having asked you for even more under the circumstances.”
Once again, I was confused, and once again, no one filled me in. Not that I’d expected them to. Jordan simply rolled his eyes and shook my brother’s hand to say goodbye. I gave Kole a quick hug, not planning on leaving long after him.
There were some things I needed to say to Jordan, things I wanted to say now since we were both already here, and this was one band-aid I wanted ripped off as soon as possible. It wouldn’t take long, and then I would be gone.
But first, I needed to be sure my decision was the right one. I didn’t want to be one of those people who made assumptions without asking questions first.
So here goes.
“Why didn’t you want to tell Kole about us this morning?” I asked Jordan as soon as my brother walked out the door.
He reached for my hands across the table, but I pulled them away. A frown formed a valley between his brows as his eyes darted from mine, to my hands, and back again.
Releasing what sounded like a frustrated breath, he gripped the back of his neck with both hands. “I’ve already told you why, babe.”
“Don’t call me babe,” I hissed. “My name is Elyse. Use it.”
Confusion darkened his forest-green eyes to almost black. “Okay. Elyse. I’ve already told you why I didn’t want to tell him. The setting wasn’t right for Kole. We couldn’t just spring it on him, especially not like that. He’d never have spoken to me again.”
I nodded slowly, a barrage of memories I’d been trying to hold back since he’d denied me this morning breaking free. “Do you remember when we were kids? You promised me we’d tell him. Eventually. Together. You said if things got any more serious, you’d risk everything for me. Including losing or disappointing him.”
His frown deepened. “I remember.”
“But you never told him.”
“No, but—”
“That’s the thing, Jordan. There are no buts here. There’s always going to be some kind of excuse. You’re always going to want to be able to fuck me at night and wish that I’d disappear in the morning. I’m always going to be expected to look on from the shadows, ready when you want me and gone and quiet when you don’t.”
“What are you talking about?” he spat out, his features contorted. “That’s not true at all. It’s not how it is and you know it.”
“No, I don’t.” I shook my head. “Because that’s what it feels like to me. You’re embarrassed that you like sleeping with the little nerd who used to follow you guys around. You don’t want Kole to know and you’re never going to want to. Just like it used to be when we were back in high school. Heaven forbid you disappoint your best friend, and I’m sure he has much higher expectations for you than his loser, hippy little sister.”
Jordan’s hands curled into fists behind his neck and he screwed his eyes shut. “Are you fucking kidding me with all this? Because none of that is even remotely the truth.”
“It’s my truth,” I said. “I can’t do this with you again, Jordan. Not after everything. Not after you couldn’t even tell him about us after years of us not being together.”
“That’s not what happened at all,” he snapped, incredulity and disbelief in those big green eyes.
“Did you tell him or not?” I put my hands on my hips and prepared to leave.
/>
“Not,” he said angrily.
“Exactly.” The corners of my lips raised into a sad smile, but it was the only thing I could do to hold back the tears. “I don’t want to see you again, Jordan. If Kole suggests that we all do stuff together, tell him you can’t and I’ll do the same.”
As I stood up from the table, I flipped open the top of my old satchel and withdrew the purple velvet box, setting it down in front of him. “You can keep this, too.”
“Elyse. Baby. Wait, I—” He stood up too, but I turned around and wasn’t ashamed to admit that I ran out of the diner after that. I needed to put some distance between us. A lot of distance. All the distance.
Then I’d have to figure out what one did with a broken heart, how to heal it and how to teach it to love someone totally different than the only person it had ever wanted to give itself to.
Chapter 33
Jordan
Four days later, I was still in shock. I yanked pineapple after pineapple off the plants like a fucking machine, but it wasn’t helping. Elyse had taken the therapeutic, almost meditative quality I’d loved most about my job away when she’d hurled all that ridiculous bullshit at me.
I couldn’t believe that she really believed it all. There was a really large part of me that had been sure she’d been fucking with me at first. It was only once she had finally looked me square in the eyes that I’d been able to see the determination there, the passion with which she believed those words she’d said.
It was absolutely unbelievable to me that after everything, she still thought I was embarrassed of her or that I wanted to fuck her at night and hide her during the day. What the fuck was that all about?
How could she not know how difficult it was for me to stop myself from touching her every minute that we spent together? How was it possible that she didn’t know that nothing would have made me prouder, happier than having her by my side?
Could she really not know that when I’d told her the other day that I wanted to settle down, that she was the only girl I could envision myself doing it with? That was why I’d added that I’d wait years if I had to, but that I wanted to settle down anyway.
It was her I would have fucking waited for, for the rest of my life if I had to. I knew she wasn’t in the same phase of her life as I was right now, but I’d have waited for her to get there.
I’d have waited for her to want to plan for a future. A future with me fucking in it.
But no.
She believed I was embarrassed, wanted to hide her in some dark corner, and was worried that her brother would think I was lame for wanting to be with her. Hell, if I thought it would help, I’d have let him tattoo the word lame on my forehead as long as it meant I could have been with her for real, the way I’d always dreamed of being.
What she was right about was what had happened when we were kids, but we’d been fucking kids then. Surely, she couldn’t still blame me for that.
Yes, I had made her a promise one night, which also happened to have been the first night we’d gotten tipsy together, that eventually we could tell Kole. I’d meant it at the time, too.
But then I’d sobered up, realized that this was the guy I’d enlisted with, the guy who was about to spend the next who-fucking-knew-how-many years having my back. Also, the guy they’d be giving a damn gun to soon.
More than that, Kole had lost so much in life. He’d always had to be the responsible one, the rock, the foundation, the father, the cook, the cleaner. He’d told me once that I was the only person he felt he could share his burden with because I was the only person who was ever really there for him the way he was there for everyone else.
Unfortunately for me, he’d said that on the one day that I’d actually seriously contemplated telling him the truth about my relationship with Elyse. I’d been right about to launch into it, but he’d started speaking first.
Coincidentally, he’d also mentioned that he sometimes felt like I’d saved his life by being there to support him and that he didn’t know what he’d do if we ever stopped being friends. So that stopped my little confession right in its tracks.
We’d been leaving soon anyway at the time, joining the Navy after graduation. Elyse and I were never going to have made it long distance at that age, so I figured why take the chance when it was going to end anyway? Especially given everything he had told me.
It had always been one of my biggest regrets though, not telling him the truth. It was a fucking heavy burden to carry for so many years when I had to look the guy in the eyes every day of my life. All those years I’d looked him in the eyes, all the times I’d come that close to telling him, I’d kept my damn mouth shut for Elyse’s sake as well as Kole’s and my own.
Except for that one night when I made her that promise, she’d never even brought up telling him until Thursday morning. How the fuck was I supposed to have known that all this time, she’d wanted me to tell him? If that was even what this was all about.
A heavy hand landing on my shoulder snapped me out of my head. Mauli frowned at me when I came back to reality, questions shooting from his eyes. “What’s going on with you today, man? You haven’t laughed at one of my jokes. You haven’t said a word. It’s almost like you’re not even hearing me for all the reaction I’m getting from you.”
“I didn’t hear you,” I admitted. “I didn’t even know I wasn’t alone out here anymore actually. When did you get here?”
“About an hour ago,” he said, concern crossing his expression. “So why are you the finger in the eye today? What’s going on that you haven’t noticed me for a whole hour? It’s not exactly easy to miss me. There’s a lot of me to miss.”
“I think I fucked up.”
“With your girl?” he asked, putting it together immediately. “What’d you do?”
“Told her we couldn’t tell her brother the truth when she wanted to. Apparently, also a whole bunch of other shit that is just way too confusing for me to understand.” I puffed up my cheeks with air before sighing. “I don’t know what to do, bro. It feels like no matter what I do, someone’s going to be upset. Someone’s going to get hurt.”
“Maybe just don’t do anything then,” he offered, one of his giant hands coming up to tap his finger against my temple. “Maybe it’s time to let her go, let her become a memory, and move on with your life. Find yourself a woman you can be with.”
“I don’t want to do that.” I hadn’t so much as looked at another woman since I’d learned Elyse was coming back into my life and I didn’t want to. There had never been anyone else like her for me before and there never would be. “I can’t do that.”
“Okay, then go tell Kole the truth. Tell him you want his sister to be your woman and that you can’t let her go.”
I released another heavy breath and shook my head. “I can’t do that, either. Especially not now. What’s the point of telling him when it’s already over?”
Mauli threw his hands out to his sides. “Well, stop bitching and get back to the fucking pineapples then. You’re going to have to make some kind of decision here, bro. For what it’s worth, you’re not my best friend.”
I blinked, startled and once more utterly confused about what was happening in the head of the person talking to me. “Okay. Thanks?”
“My cat is my best friend,” he said like it made all the sense in the world.
“I didn’t even know you had a cat.” Which was probably why I wasn’t his best friend. “I’m sorry. I should have known that.”
Mauli waved his hand dismissively. “He lives somewhere in my house, so I just kind of adopted him as my own. Anyway, even though you’re not my best friend, I would be happy if my sister was with a guy like you. I’m sure Kole would feel the same way.”
“What happened to it being selfish to tell him?” I asked.
He gave me a long, narrowed-eyed look. “That was when you were just fucking her, dude. Fucking her and loving her are two very different things.”
I d
idn’t even flinch when he said the L-word, nor did I try to deny it. At some point over the weekend, I’d come to realize and then to accept that I did fucking love her. Hell, I’d always fucking loved her and I probably always would.
Mauli surprised me by reaching into my pocket. For a guy his size, he was fast. He slapped my phone into my hand. “Call your friend, Jordan. Tell him how much you love his sister and then hope like hell that she loves you too.”
I stared at my phone for a long minute after he walked away, but then I did exactly what he’d suggested. I set up a meeting with Kole tomorrow and hoped harder than I ever had before that she loved me enough to forgive me for being an ass.
Chapter 34
Elyse
Shadows danced across Alice’s eyes as she looked over at me once she walked into our room. A crease appeared between her eyes and she pulled me into a hug as soon as she got to the desk where I was standing.
“What’s wrong?” she asked against my ear, keeping her voice low so we wouldn’t be overheard. “No offense, but you look terrible.”
Tears stung the backs of my eyes as I buried my face in her hair, hugging her back and trying to keep myself together. “Jordan. It’s over.”
She stiffened against me, then let me go and planted both of her hands on my shoulders. “When?”
“Friday.”
“Why didn’t you call me?” She gave me another hug. “You didn’t have to go through the entire weekend alone after that.”
“I needed to,” I said, drawing in a deep, steadying breath. “There were a lot of things I needed to think about and I needed some time to mourn, too.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t have to do it alone.” This time when she released me, she turned around and marched over to Mia, another one of the assistants. Although they were a few feet away from me, I could still hear what they were saying. “Do you mind covering for us for a couple of hours? I’d like to take Elyse out to breakfast to talk. She’s going through a breakup.”
Have Your Way With Me Page 21
