“Of course not.” They were only two years apart in age, but Malinda had never been an irritation. Not ever. Instead, she was everything patient and sweet. Oh, she had a bit of sass inside her, but whereas Hannah had always come off as too bossy, Malinda always made those around her feel that they were a part of whatever joke she was holding inside herself.
“Are you worried about living at the Rosses’ haus full-time?”
“Not at all. I like them. You know that.”
“You’re not even worried about Rob living next door?”
“He’s a fireman now. He’s not going to be around all that much,” she said quickly. When Malinda still looked doubtful, she added, “We’ll be fine.” But were those words more for herself or Malinda?
“If you say so.” She darted a look at the open door, then murmured, “Hannah, if you do decide you want to come home, I hope you will. I’ll even share a room with Calvin so you can have some privacy.”
Hannah reached out and curved an arm around Malinda’s shoulders. “Danke, but that won’t be necessary. I’m not sure what is supposed to happen next, but I don’t believe the Lord wants me to go backwards.”
“You really think moving back home would be like that?”
“I do. You, Calvin, and our parents might be the same, but I’m different now.”
Malinda wrinkled her nose. “What does that even mean?”
That was part of the problem. No matter how much Hannah tried to explain how she’d grown and changed, her sister would never completely understand because she hadn’t experienced the same traumatic events.
Deciding to keep things simple, she murmured, “I think I need to figure out who I am now and what I want.”
Looking slightly relieved, Malinda sat back down. “Now what do we do?”
“The nurse said I could leave as soon as Dr. or Mrs. Ross arrives to take me home.”
Just as she was about to speak, her sister’s eyes widened. “I don’t think they’re coming, Hannah.”
“What? Of course—” Her voice cut off as she spied what Malinda was staring at. Or, rather, who.
There was Rob. Looking so handsome and so familiar.
“Hannah, I hope you don’t mind, but Melissa asked me to help you out today. York was going to pick you up, but he had an emergency at work.”
That same tight tension—which she now realized had never actually left—was buzzing inside of her. While Malinda watched the two of them with wide eyes, Hannah forced herself to reply in a calm tone of voice. “Nee. I don’t mind at all.”
Rob blinked, then seemed to collect himself. “Okay then. Good.” He was still staring at her as if he was just as mesmerized by her as she was by him.
Malinda’s not-so-subtle cough brought them back down to earth.
And reminded Hannah of her manners. “I’m sorry. Rob, do you remember my sister, Malinda?”
“I do. How are you?” He smiled as he walked over to her. “I’m sorry I didn’t greet you first thing. In my defense, you don’t look like the teenager I first met years ago.”
“No?” Malinda preened.
“Nope. You look all grown-up now.”
It was all Hannah could do to keep a straight face as her sister blushed and attempted to look unaffected by the compliment.
After a few seconds, Malinda said quietly, “Danke, Rob.”
He waved off her words. “I didn’t see your brother or your parents out in the hall. Are you visiting alone?”
Malinda lifted her chin as if she was doing Rob a favor by answering him. “I am. Hannah needed something to wear. I brought her some clothes.”
“That was nice of you.”
“Nee, it was the least I could do. We are sisters, after all.”
Rob raised his eyebrows at Hannah.
She shrugged, just as taken aback by her sister’s suddenly sharp tone. She was sounding mighty un-Malinda-like.
“Do you need a ride home? I’ll be happy to drop you off.”
Hannah forced herself to remain silent though she was silently biting back a groan. The last thing either she or her parents needed was for Rob to show up in front of their house.
“I don’t need a ride,” her sister replied stiffly.
“Are you sure, Malinda? I don’t mind.”
Her sister’s cheeks brightened as she darted a look Hannah’s way. “Jah.”
“She’s sure,” Hannah blurted, hoping that her sister would understand and eventually forgive her for not even asking how she was going to get home.
But honestly, there was only so much she could handle, and at the moment she was feeling she’d more than reached her limit. “I am ready to leave whenever you are, Rob.”
His brown eyes, the ones she used to get lost in, flashed. “I’m here for you, Hannah. Whenever you are ready, I am.”
Oh, those words! Reaching for the floral tote bag that now held her entire wardrobe, she stepped forward. “Then I am ready now.”
Malinda moved to her side. Pointedly ignoring Rob, she leaned close. “What are you doing? You know Mamm and Daed won’t be happy about this.”
Oh, she knew. “I’m not going to go backwards. Stop worrying so much.”
“I can’t help it. I fear you are making a mistake.”
Hannah wasn’t completely certain about how she felt, what would happen in her future, or even how she felt about Rob. But she was certain about this. “I’m not,” she said firmly. “Now be careful getting home, Malinda. Danke for the dress and bringing the other clothes. Danke for coming here, too. I am grateful.”
Her sister opened her mouth to speak, then seemed to think better of it. Next, she turned to Rob and sighed dramatically. Seconds after that, she finally strode out of the room.
When the door closed behind her with a snap, Rob raised his eyebrows. “What was that about?”
“Whatever do you mean?” She hoped she sounded more convincing than she felt.
He rolled his eyes. “If you don’t want to talk about Malinda’s attitude, then don’t. But don’t play dumb.”
“I’m not playing at anything, Rob. I don’t know why Malinda was acting so rudely.” But even she knew that was kind of a lie. She just didn’t want to reveal too much. Not right at this moment, anyway.
He cast her another long look before holding out a hand. “Here, let me help you up.”
She took his hand. His skin felt rougher than she remembered. She wondered why, then realized that he no doubt had changed in the past year, too.
No matter what happened, they weren’t the same people they used to be. Change was inevitable. Didn’t Jeremiah say: “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”? Those were words to live by.
The only thing that mattered now was how she was going to handle all these changes.
Chapter 7
Whether it was because the hospital needed her bed for the next patient or because Rob was a firefighter and knew several people on staff, Hannah had been able to leave without a bit of fuss.
Practically before she knew it, she found herself seated in the passenger seat of his dark gray vehicle. It was plush inside, with soft leather seats that heated, a map on a screen in between their two seats, and all kinds of holders for Rob to store his water bottle or plug in his phone.
Looking at the snow outside the glass, yet feeling comfortable and cozy inside, Hannah felt as if she was in a whole other world.
Then again, maybe she was.
Rob hadn’t said much. After he’d helped her sit down and made sure she was comfortable, he’d turned on some Christmas music and started driving.
This silence between them was new. Back when they’d first met, Rob would visit with her either on her way to work or walking home. Or he’d sit with her in the sun outside.
During those times, they seemed to talk nonstop. They’d shared everything. They’d talked about their days and their lives. Then, as they’d gotten to know e
ach other better, they began to share even more information. Little by little, they shared memories of their pasts and their hopes for the future.
She’d found herself constantly comparing his interest in her with Paul’s responses. Paul had been kind to her, of course, but he had also known her since they’d been small kinner. He’d never needed to ask how she felt about things or wonder if she liked or disliked something. He’d known her almost as well as he’d known himself.
In contrast, Rob had asked her questions about everything—how she liked her job as a nanny. What her church was like, if she really liked Trail bologna. His curiosity and interest in her had been amusing and rather flattering, too. Of course, she’d been just as curious about his days as a writer, growing up in Chicago, and going to high school and college.
Now they seemed to have so much awkwardness between them, it felt as if their words had large hurdles to climb in order to be heard.
As the silence pulled the tension that hung between them even tighter and a song played on the stereo about roasting chestnuts, Hannah hastened to fill the space with something, with anything.
“Your car is cozy, Rob.”
“Yeah. It’s a good one.”
She ran a hand along the smooth, soft leather on the door. “What kind is it?”
“It’s a Lexus GS.”
“Ah. How interesting.”
His lips twitched. “Really? Does that mean anything to you?”
She grinned back at him. “Nee. But I do know that it’s warmer than a buggy.”
He chuckled. “I suppose that’s true.” After a pause, he said, “Hannah, why didn’t you want me to take your sister home?”
“Because I didn’t want you to go to my house.”
He winced. “Well, that’s honest.”
“I want to be honest with you.” Silently she added, From now on.
“Hmm. Well, if I’m going to be honest, I’m feeling a little confused right about now.”
“Oh?”
“Absolutely.” He paused at a stop sign, then continued. “When we spoke last night, I thought things between us were better. Did I just imagine it? Or were you simply tired yesterday and I took our conversation the wrong way?”
“You weren’t wrong. I do want to move forward.” Steeling her spine, she added, “Rob, I regret how I treated you.”
“You do?”
Unable to look him in the eye, she nodded. “Nine months ago, when I broke up with you, I guess I was feeling confused. I think I was still mourning Paul and I was afraid about leaving my life.”
“About being English?”
She nodded. “I never was baptized, and I know deciding not to be Amish is the right choice for me, but I was still worried.”
“And now?”
It was time to face the truth. Taking a deep breath, she said, “Now I realize that I’ve been more comfortable living in the English world for some time. I am ready to speak to the bishop.” She rushed on. “However, my parents want me to turn back time. They want me to move back home. When I refused, they asked Malinda to visit me. At first I thought it was just because she was worried about me, but then I realized that they were using her to encourage me to go home.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Pretty sure. I love my sister and I’m glad for her help, but she came to the hospital with an agenda.” The thought made her sad.
“Anyway, I didn’t want her pushing her point of view on you while you were doing her a favor and driving her home.”
“I could have taken anything she had to dish out, Hannah.”
“I know you could have, but you shouldn’t have to listen to such things.” Hannah knew she also wouldn’t have been able to stop herself from saying something to Malinda if she did spout off her opinions. That wouldn’t have been good at all!
“Hannah.” It was obvious that he was trying not to tease her about trying to protect him.
“Rob, I know you would’ve been fine, but I’m no longer going to even pretend to listen when people try to make me do things I don’t want to do.”
“And you think your sister would have done that in the car?” His voice was filled with incredulity.
“Nee. She would have done that to you. Maybe hurt your feelings. Rob, I know you can handle most anything, but that wasn’t the point.” Determined to show how mature she was now, she added, “You have already done so much.”
“Not really. I just picked you up from the hospital.”
“Nee, you saved my life.”
He groaned. “Hannah, don’t ever feel indebted to me for that. I was just doing my job.”
Though her head knew exactly what he meant, hearing it explained that way still stung. “Just because it was your job doesn’t mean I can’t feel grateful.”
“I didn’t mean you shouldn’t feel whatever way you want. I’m just trying to tell you that it isn’t necessary.”
“All right. Fine.” Frustrated with their interplay, she changed topics. “So, how is Daisy?”
His expression lightened. “She’s good. Driving Rose crazy, I’m afraid.”
“Oh no. Is she acting up?”
“Of course not, she’s just been trying to get Rose to play a little more.”
“Uh-oh.”
“No, it’s a good thing. I think Rose secretly likes having another dog to pal around with. Daisy minds well, too. She’s a good dog, Hannah. You’ve done a good job with her.”
“Danke, but she was easy to train. I got her from the shelter. She’d been there for two weeks and was pretty miserable. When one of the workers told me about her when we ran into each other at Josephine’s Café, I knew I had to see her.”
“And?”
“And right away we seemed to form a bond. Even though I only lived in that small one-room apartment, I took her home an hour later. I couldn’t think about her spending another day in the shelter.” Thinking back to those first few days, she smiled. “We had our challenges, of course. I wasn’t used to a dog’s schedules and she wasn’t used to being home alone all day. But, before long, we developed our own routine.”
“And then everything was good.”
“Yes.” Recalling the first time Daisy ran to her side when she walked in the door, her tail wagging, Hannah smiled. “The two of us seemed to need each other. She’s brightened my days and has given me so much companionship and love.”
He glanced at her as he turned onto Plum Street. “I bet if Daisy could talk, she’d say the same thing about you.”
He did understand! “That’s so sweet. I’d like to think of Daisy and me like that, too. I guess we were meant to be.”
Still reliving the memory, she smiled at him but immediately regretted doing so. Rob’s expression had tightened. Though she was pretty sure she knew what was bothering him, she still pressed. Maybe she was a glutton for punishment. “What did I say?”
“Nothing. My mind just drifted to something it shouldn’t have. Do you ever do that?”
Did she ever think about things that hurt? Think about things that she shouldn’t because she was filled with regret and the overwhelming knowledge that she couldn’t go back in time and change the past?
“Jah,” she said quietly. “I do. All the time.”
Pulling into the Rosses’ driveway, he placed his vehicle in park and sighed. “I wonder when we’ll ever stop.”
“Stop?”
“Yeah.” Turning her way, he gazed at her intently. His dark eyes were full of doubt—and maybe, perhaps, more than a bit of recrimination? “You know what I mean, don’t you, Hannah? When will we stop doubting ourselves and our choices? When will we stop regretting things that we can’t change? Do you think we ever will?”
“I hope so. Nee, I pray so.” She needed the Lord’s help right now. More than anything, she wanted to move forward and be happy and make the people she loved happy, too.
But of course, she’d also learned that while the Lord was so very good, He didn’t grant wish
es and promises. Only that He’d walked through fire by her side.
Yes, she’d definitely learned that over and over again.
Chapter 8
She had her own pretty bedroom in the basement.
Four days ago, the room had been a dark, stark storage area for Christopher’s old toys and baby equipment. Now it was painted a soft gray and had a twin-size bed against the wall, a floral rocker in another corner, and a small dresser that had been painted a sparkling white.
Soft flannel sheets in shades of pink covered the bed, along with a really beautiful Daisy Chain quilt and three fluffy pillows. On the white wicker table next to the bed sat a reading light, a vanilla-scented candle, and a stack of books. A vase of pink roses rested on the dresser. Almost like a page from one of Melissa’s Better Homes & Gardens magazines.
It was surely the prettiest room Hannah had ever seen. She was touched that her employers had gone to so much trouble for her—especially now, when it was so close to Christmas.
“This room is wunderbaar,” she whispered. And it really was. It was silly, but a part of her feared if she blinked it would vanish.
Melissa still looked doubtful. “Do you think so? I mean, I know it’s just a converted storage room.” She bit her bottom lip. “I told York last night that we’ve taken you for granted. Here you’ve taken care of my children, cleaned my kitchen, even helped with all the laundry—but I don’t know what an Amish girl needs in a bedroom.”
An Amish girl? Comments like that always made Hannah want to giggle. “We Amish girls usually like to sleep on beds in our rooms.”
The lines of worry around Melissa’s eyes eased. “Oh, you. I was serious!”
“I’m being serious, too. A bed is enough for me.” Waving a hand, she murmured, “And all of this? Well, it’s more than enough. It’s a lovely room. So pretty and so cozy, too.”
“I’m glad you like it. I told York that you’d probably like a quilt instead of a regular bedspread. When I saw these flannel sheets displayed so prettily on a shelf, I thought they would be a nice touch.”
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