by Natalie Ann
“What about it?” he asked. There was no way he could get her to stop talking about it twice.
“I didn’t mean to say that. It just slipped. The heat of the moment.”
He frowned. “Really?”
“Yeah. I kind of got lost in the feelings of what was going on. I haven’t even known you for two months. How could I possibly know if I love you or not?”
She smiled at him. Then she laughed. Should he feel insulted by that comment? If he wasn’t supposed to then someone should tell him because he wanted to call her a liar.
Only he didn’t because maybe he was making more out of the whole thing than it was. Maybe he was seeing something that wasn’t there.
Maybe he was stressing for no reason at all.
“I don’t want you to say that because you think I panicked.”
She laughed at him again. “There was no thinking at all. You did panic. Then you told me to stop talking.” She walked over and put her arms around him. “Really, Gavin. I didn’t even say I loved you. Just that I thought I did. What I really loved was how you made me feel and how I want you to make me feel again after you feed me breakfast.”
He leaned back and looked at her face. He wanted to believe her. She sounded sincere. She was giving him the out he’d been hoping for. Only for some reason, he was disappointed by it. “I can do that.”
***
Now Jolene truly knew what the walk of shame felt like as she made her way back into her apartment Sunday morning. Thankfully she didn’t have to work today and could nap.
“What happened to you last night?” April said. “I was worried. I tried to call the bar, but no one answered. I was afraid something happened.”
“Sorry,” she said, sitting on the couch across from April. “I spent the night with Gavin.”
“You did?” April asked all excited. As shy as April was, she wasn’t a virgin and hadn’t been for a long time. She’d been with a few guys in her quest to find a man to take care of her.
“I did. It was wonderful. I can’t believe I haven’t done it before.”
“You wanted it to mean something. It’s always better when it means something.”
“How many men have you slept with that didn’t mean something to you?” Jolene asked. She knew April had two boyfriends, one she’d lived with, one she hadn’t.
“It doesn’t matter. Nothing I want to talk about. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way though.”
Jolene knew April wouldn’t say anymore, so she let it drop. “I hope it’s not awkward with us at work now.”
“Why would it be?”
“I slipped and told him I thought I was falling in love with him.”
“Oh boy. How did he react?”
She sighed. “He froze. Then when I went to talk about it, he said we didn’t need to. He wouldn’t give me a chance to explain. I fell asleep right after.”
“That had to hurt,” April said, sympathy filling her face.
“It did. But I realized that though he needs to be nudged now and again, it wasn’t the time to do it. I decided to go the opposite route and see how it plays out.”
“How’s that?”
“This morning I told him that there was no way I could know if I was in love with him or not. We hadn’t even known each other that long. That I just loved what he did more than anything and got my words all jumbled around.”
April laughed. “He bought that?”
“He seemed to. Brought me back upstairs and gave it to me better than the night before. Then he kissed me when I left and said he’d see me on Monday.”
“Good luck with that,” April said.
“Why?”
“Because it seems to me you’ve got your work cut out for you. First he kisses you, then he ignores you. Then he pretends like he didn’t ignore you. He kisses you again, you spend the night with him and then he hushes you when you want to talk about feelings. Sounds like high maintenance to me.”
She thought of what April just said, never realizing a man could be high maintenance before. “Nah. I’m not sure about that. He’s got some hurt feelings deep inside that need time to come out.”
“If you say so. I just hope you aren’t the one hurt in the end while you try to help him.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’ve got this under control.”
His Lifesaver
Famous last words, Jolene was thinking two weeks later. She and Gavin had spent multiple nights together, they talked and flirted during work, but they never talked about anything serious.
She thought it had to do more with having witnesses at work, but then realized it was just Gavin enjoying the fact that she was giving him the milk for free instead of paying for the cow. That stupid analogy was proving true!
Now it was the week before Christmas and Gavin was busy at the bar. She’d come in early and snuck through to the back when he wasn’t paying attention, unlocked the door, then made her way up the stairs to Gavin’s apartment looking around for anyone that might see her, though she knew that was impossible.
She’d picked up a tiny Christmas tree and now she placed it on his coffee table with lights and bulbs and a little yellow star on top. How could someone not have a tree before Christmas? Even if it was just a little one.
She’d mentioned it to him before and he brushed it off, saying he didn’t want one. Didn’t need one. Didn’t care if he ever had one. Sweet-talking him by saying it was her favorite holiday hadn’t made a difference.
Trying to coax him into one with a little bit of sex hadn’t helped either. He wanted to keep their relationship at that level, and she was pretending to too. But the pretending was getting harder and harder the more time she spent with him.
She’d fallen in love with Gavin Fierce that first night they’d spent together and now she was struggling to keep the train on the tracks and avoid a crash.
She didn’t know what he felt because he wasn’t saying.
All he was doing was showing her tenderness every time they had a private moment together. Never in the bar, never around people. She wanted to be insulted over that but then reminded herself the relationship was still new and no need to put unwanted attention on her shoulders... or his.
The night was busy like Friday nights always were. Her pockets were flowing with cash and so were his. All she could think about was what she wanted to get Gavin for Christmas. Her first Christmas with a boyfriend. She’d have to make it special.
They were closing down the bar—the only two left—when he pulled her into his arms and kissed her like a starving man. Like a man walking through the desert for days and she was his water. Like she was his lifesaver.
If only he’d admit that to her. Something. Anything.
But he didn’t. He just grabbed her hand and they made their way up to his apartment. She was all but bouncing on her toes waiting to see his reaction to her little surprise.
He reacted, all right, just not the way she wanted. “What the hell is this?”
“Duh?” she said, smiling and giving him a quick kiss...that he didn’t return. Didn’t even smile. Didn’t do anything but fix her with the ice-cold stare he always had when she brought up Christmas. “I was hoping we could have our own holiday spirit celebration next week and you need a tree for that.”
“It’s just another day. You don’t need a prop for a day.”
“But it’s Christmas. It only comes once a year.”
“I think I’ve been very clear on my feelings about this,” he snapped. “I let you decorate the bar when I didn’t want it, but you’re not putting anything in my personal space.”
She’d never seen him this angry before. Not even when he held that guy up by the shirt that one night.
Tears were pooling in her eyes. He wasn’t who she thought he was. He couldn’t be. How could someone be both so tender and so mean? How could he not see it meant something to her?
“I guess I’ll just take my tree and leave. I wouldn’t want to invade
your personal space!”
She grabbed her tree and started to walk down the hall thinking he’d stop her, hoping he’d at least talk to her, but all he did was let her go.
***
The next day at work was miserable, but Gavin was determined to not change his mind. He’d never made a secret about his feelings on the topic. She hadn’t made a secret about hers either.
So they didn’t agree. So what? Did that mean she had to leave in a huff last night? Or give him the cold shoulder today? He was guessing it did.
Not only that day, but for the following week too. He closed down early on Christmas Eve. Everyone went home and everyone probably did their own thing. He did too. He went upstairs to his apartment and got drunk.
The next morning, he showed up at his mother’s house looking as wretched as he felt. His mother never said a word. She never did anymore. Not after the first time he’d gotten drunk alone on Christmas Eve. Instead she put a strong cup of coffee in front of him and cooked him some toast and eggs.
He didn’t want to be here today. He never did. But he’d do it for his mother and pretend the day didn’t exist while his brothers pretended he wasn’t the purple elephant in the room putting a downer on everyone’s day.
He was just getting ready to leave after his brothers’ departure at the end of the day, but his mother stopped him and ordered him to sit. “Enough is enough, Gavin.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know what. You’re an adult now. There is no reason for you to ruin this holiday for everyone because you’re ticked off.”
He drew himself up straight. “Why doesn’t anyone else feel the same way I do?”
“Do you want to know why?” she said, her hands on her hips. “Because the rest of us grieve a little bit every day. We did for years. And though we miss your father, the grieving is less and less on a daily basis. But you”—she pointed her finger at him—“you choose the holiday he died on to make the rest of us feel horrible. What’s the matter? Do you forget about him the other days of the year and then bring it out when the rest of us just want to remember the good times?”
“Of course not,” he argued. “I miss him all the time.”
“Missing and grieving are two different things, Gavin. It was just shitty luck your father died on Christmas morning. It could have been June fifth that he died and would you be this way on that day too?”
His mother never swore and that she was now meant she’d had enough and he better listen.
He didn’t want to think about what she said, but she was right. “It’s not just the day. It’s the whole spirit of Christmas. It lasts longer than a day.”
“Yep, and you’re miserable for longer than a day too. You need to move on. You’re never going to be happy if you don’t. When you find a woman someday and have kids, are you going to tell them they can’t celebrate Christmas because it upsets you? Because you don’t like the memories it offers? Why not change those memories? Why not create some good ones to remember your father by?”
Was his mother right? Was he going to lose Jolene over a stupid holiday? Over the fact that the day his father died was too painful for him to remember anything good about it, only the bad.
That he woke up back then so excited like he always did, only to find out his father never returned home.
That instead the phone rang while they waited for him and he watched his mother crumble to the floor. Watched his brothers burst into tears and not stop crying all day.
That he held back the tears and took care of his mother that day. That he’d been stepping into his father’s shoes to care for his family ever since.
Maybe he was bitter. Maybe he was just angry. Not that his father died, but because it forced him to be a man so early on. To be the person his father would be proud of and would never see.
Instead, by trying to do that, he’d been hurting those around him. Hurting the one person he actually saw himself having a future with for the first time in his life. Actually considered having a family with.
But he’d probably thrown it all away based on Jolene’s interactions with him the past several days.
She’d only been trying to show him what it was like to feel happy again and he’d taken his mood out on her for no reason. Or no reason she could have known.
“You’re right,” he said. “I’m a jerk. I’ve been one for years. I can’t be this way anymore. It just hurts too much. Not just you, but me too.”
“Gavin…” his mother said, but he wasn’t listening. He grabbed his coat and ran out the door. What greeted him was something he’d been waiting for his whole life. Snow. On Christmas. Was it a sign? Something he’d hoped would happen the night his father died, but instead they were only given an ice storm?
An ice storm that caused his father to fall off the ladder and break his neck. But did he feel grief and pain whenever there was an ice storm, using his mother’s analogy? No, he didn’t. So he had to stop doing it with Christmas.
***
“What’s up there, baby girl?”
Jolene turned and laughed at what her father called her. “I’m far from a baby.”
“You’ll always be my baby. Always had to get up at the crack of dawn to see what Santa left you. Doesn’t change much as an adult either,” he’d said.
Santa never left a lot, but it was always enough. She was just glad to know her parents had life a bit easier now.
“Sorry.” She’d shown up just before six this morning, but her parents were already up and waiting for her like they’d always been.
There still weren’t a lot of presents under the tree. That wasn’t what the holiday was about.
No, it was about family and being together. Being there for each other and appreciating what they had. Her parents instilled that in her. To always look for the bright side of life.
Too bad she couldn’t figure out a way to pass that trait on to Gavin. Someone who needed it the most.
Rather, she was here with her family hoping she could put on a good enough face when all she wanted to do was cry like she’d been doing every night after work. Every night when she had to leave Gavin’s presence, knowing that nothing could be the same again and she couldn’t figure out how to fix it.
She didn’t even know why he felt the way he did about the holiday. Why he got so mad at her for doing what she thought was something nice. She’d never know if he didn’t talk to her again.
By the end of the day, her nerves were on end. She wanted to go home and lock herself in her room and cry until her pillow was a big soggy mess.
Every time she tried to help someone, or give them a hand—maybe just try to be a happy face to cheer them up—they appreciated it. She felt good about it. She felt like she made a difference in their life.
It seems she blew it with the one person that meant the most to her. The one that she wanted to make the biggest difference in his life. How did this backfire on her? Where did she go wrong?
April was gone for a few days, so she knew having the apartment to herself was a good thing. Maybe she’d cry in every room and get it out of her system, because on her next shift, she and Gavin were going to have to talk. She didn’t want to feel like this anymore and she decided it might be best to break it off for good.
If he wanted her to find a new job, she would. But she couldn’t be around him and know he was mad at her. She couldn’t be around him and know he needed her help to get over something if he wasn’t even cluing her in on what it was or pushing her away at what she felt she excelled at.
“I should leave now,” Jolene said, leaning in and kissing her parents goodbye. “I didn’t know it was going to snow. We never get snow, but I want to get home before it gets worse.”
“You could just stay for the night,” her mother said.
“I’ll be fine. I’ll take my time.” She didn’t want to tell them she needed to cry.
“Drive safe. Call us when you get home,” her father said.
> “Oh, stop worrying about me,” she said, forcing out a laugh.
“It’s our job to worry. A parent never stops doing that.”
“Maybe someday I’ll know that feeling,” she said and felt her heart break when the words were spoken. She’d thought maybe that someday would be with Gavin, but knew it probably wouldn’t be.
Epilogue
Where the heck was she? Gavin had been sitting in his car in front of her apartment trying to stay warm for over an hour. Not even her roommate was home.
Sure, it was Christmas day, but Jolene always said they celebrated first thing in the morning and then napped in the afternoon because she got everyone up so early. It was past four as it was.
He was just starting his car to get ready to leave when he saw her turn down the street, driving faster than she should on slick roads. Not speeding, but enough to have her car fishtail behind her. She righted it just like a pro though, not that it stopped his annoyance.
She hadn’t noticed him sitting in his car in the parking lot, but she had no choice to notice him when he was storming toward her, “What the heck is wrong with you driving like that in these conditions?”
Her jaw opened and then closed. “What are you doing here? Just come to yell at me?”
He stopped. He hadn’t meant to do that. He really wanted to apologize and try to beg her for forgiveness. “No. I came to talk to you.”
“Maybe I don’t want to talk to you,” she said. Snow was falling steadily and turning her dark hair white.
“Too bad,” he said. She’d been pushy enough and he was going to give it back to her. “We’re going into your place to talk because I’m freezing and need to warm up.”
He turned and started walking toward the door to her apartment building, assuming she’d follow. Only she didn’t. Then he felt something hit his back. And something else. Then another. He turned and she was making another snowball and chucking it at him.
