Autumn and Summer

by Danielle Allen

  “Just what?” I inquired curiously. Although I wanted a good shot, more than that, I just wanted to know more about him. I kept taking photos and waited patiently for him to speak again.

  “Let’s just say I grew up with a lot of eyes on me.”

  “Because you’re hot,” I mumbled aloud, the words slipping out before I could stop them. Mentally punching myself in the face, I felt myself blush.

  He chuckled and shook his head. “No. Well yes, but I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant I’ve always been under the microscope, surrounded by insincerity.”

  “Why do you think that is?” Getting closer to him, I focused on his eyes. I wanted to capture how blue they were.

  “Because there’s a lack of genuine people out there. And because when they see me, they see my father. And they either want what he has or want what being around him can get them. And my father eats that shit up because he’s just as fake as they are. It’s always about him—his business, his money, his expectations, his political ambitions. And no matter how hard I try to fight it, I am my father’s son.”

  I could see the storminess in his eyes and I was torn between wanting to push him to talk and wanting to let him cool down. “Who is your father?”

  Turning his head in my direction, he looked at me and scoffed. “My father is a power hungry alcoholic who loves nothing more than stepping on the backs of others to get to the top. That’s who my father is.”

  I snapped one last picture and then put the camera down. “That sounds rough,” I acknowledged, shaking my head. “But you know people like that don’t have good karma.”

  “True. But he’s been like this since before I was born and he’s always benefited from his bullshit. And let’s be honest, I’ve benefited from his bullshit too. And now, with everything that’s going on…” He shook his head and let the statement just hang in the air between us.

  I left the camera on the tripod and walked until I was standing directly in front of him. I was close enough to reach out and touch him…and I wanted to touch him, but I restrained myself. My heart clenched and I didn’t even know what was going on with him. “What is it?” I asked gently, imploring him with my eyes.

  “It’s nothing,” he replied with his eyes closed. His jaw clenched, drawing my attention to the sexy perfection that was his face. “Forget it.”

  I gaped at him. It’s obviously something he wanted to get off of his chest. I know how I can be when I’m pushed so I’m going to leave him be, I decided silently, wanting more than anything to take the hardness out of his eyes.

  “My father’s running for office. My sister is sick and my mother and brother aren’t ready or primed to take over the company…so that leaves me. If I don’t do it, it negatively affects my family. If I do it, I have to give up what I love to do.” He was quiet for a moment before he continued, “He always said he was going to get me to run the company. It’s my birthright, he’d say.”

  Shaking his head, Xavier groaned, “I don’t know how I let you get in my head.” When he opened his eyes, I couldn’t read his expression. “My point was just that I like to have places I can go and be myself. And I like to have people I can be myself with. I don’t have to worry about how it reflects on the family. I don’t have to worry about social climbers. I don’t have to worry about anyone wanting something from me. I don’t have to worry about anything.”

  “I can understand that.” I took a step back, putting distance between us. “And my intention wasn’t to pry. But if you ever need to talk, I’m here,” I informed him honestly. I put my hand over my heart and gave him a little smile. “That’s what friends are for.”

  He ran his bottom lip between his teeth before saying, “To make it even, tell me something personal about you and your family.”

  I paused for a minute. “My parents divorced and then remarried each other. When I was little, I thought it was because they loved each other so much that they couldn’t bear to be apart. When I grew up, I quickly learned that they are just alike and no one else would put up with their bullshit. They are amazing parents, but horrible spouses. They dote on my brother and me, but they lie and cheat on each other. Apparently, one of them cheated first and then they’ve just been revenge cheating back and forth since I was four or five. So, almost twenty-five years! And when we tell them that they should just separate, they get defensive and say they love each other.” I shook my head. “That’s why I don’t do love. Love makes you do stupid things.”

  The same indescribable look crossed his face as earlier. He licked his lips and took a step toward me. “So you’re telling me you’ve never been in love.”

  “That’s a little too personal, don’t you think?” I retorted.

  “I told you about my sick sister.”

  I pulled a face. “You’re playing the sick sister card? Wow. Fine! No, I haven’t and I don’t plan to. Have you?” I asked, my voice faltering a bit.

  “No, not yet.”

  I nibbled on my thumb and averted my eyes. Things just got very uncomfortable in here, I thought with a long drawn-out exhale.

  “Um, well now you know something personal about me so we are even,” I lightheartedly announced, cutting through the tension in the air.

  “I appreciate that. And for what it’s worth, that’s why I agreed to do the spread. I knew they would send you and I needed to see you again. I needed—there’s something about you…”

  The silence that followed was thick with words we couldn’t say and fantasies I refused to admit to having. Again, I looked away quickly.

  “You should go get dressed for the action shots,” I whispered before turning around to change the lens on my camera.

  I felt him walk up behind me and I tensed. I wanted to turn around and push him away, but I didn’t move. I kept waiting for him to touch me…for him to say something. But he never did. I felt the heat from his body and his breath against my hair. And the longer I waited, the more I realized I craved his touch. After the longest thirty seconds of my life, I felt him back away from me. Exhaling loudly, I finished setting up my equipment with shaky hands.

  “Ready?” I asked as I heard his footsteps behind me.

  Picking up my camera, I turned around and froze. Wearing no shirt and his boxing shorts low on his hips, Xavier’s muscular body was on display. I licked my lips slowly as I quickly glanced down to take him all in. I had assumed that he was well-built based on the way his clothing fit his body. But I wasn’t prepared for the sheer perfection of his body.

  Just focus on his face. Be professional, I instructed myself as my eyes bore into his. Focus. On. His. Face.

  Xavier seemed to be baiting me. His eyes almost glowed as he moved toward me. I trembled as I tried to physically resist the urge to check him out. As he got closer, my eyes dropped from his face to his chest to his arms and finally, to his perfectly defined abs with the happy trail that extended from his bellybutton into his boxing shorts.

  Fuck. Me, I thought as my mouth hung open and my eyes lovingly analyzed every ridge and crevice of his body. I’d love to find the treasure at the end of that trail. Realizing that I was gawking, I snapped my mouth shut and moved my eyes back up to his face.

  The smirk on his face let me know I’d been caught staring. I knew it and he knew it. And even though I was caught, I felt unable to stop it as my eyes scanned his body one more time. I studied the way his rippled abs led into his black and green shorts, which only made me think about what was underneath. The thought alone left me speechless. And even without the ability to speak, the fluttering in my belly and the ache between my thighs spoke volumes.

  Xavier’s blue eyes locked with mine and held me hostage. He stopped a foot away from me and somehow I could feel his heat. It was as if his bare skin was pressed against mine. I exhaled shakily and my mind went blank as I kept gazing up at him. I knew I needed to say something to set up the next few shots, but I couldn’t think of anything except for how wet my panties had become.


  Gathering myself, I took a step back. Get it together, I told myself as I squared my shoulders.

  Looking around the room, I gestured to the punching bag where I had set up the lights

  “I, um—I need you to stand over there,” I stammered quietly as I side-stepped him. Breathing easier since I wasn’t so close to him, I began to talk normally. “You are going to just work out as you normally would.”

  He chuckled a little under his breath. “Do you mind if I listen to music?”

  “No, not at all.” I checked the time. “It shouldn’t take long to do this portion. Just do what you would normally do and try to forget that I’m here.”

  With his eyes lingering on my lips, he backed away from me and mumbled, “That’s going to be hard to do.”

  I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling and I rolled my eyes. “Stop it.”

  “What?” he asked, feigning innocence as he pulled his phone out of his pocket to start his music.

  I glared at him and he laughed, putting his earbuds in his ear.

  Xavier started punching the bag to warm up and after a few minutes, something clicked. He became more serious, more focused, more determined. Each punch was harder than the one before. He moved gracefully, but each blow to the punching bag was lethal. It was beautiful watching him in action. Every muscle in his body flexed and strained. I snapped shot after shot of him working the bag, and even when I thought I had the shot for the magazine, I kept shooting. Watching him so physical and aggressive yet nimble and restrained was alluring. But watching the sweat drip down his bare upper body and hearing the grunts after each punch was the sexiest thing I’d ever witnessed.

  After taking a moment to enjoy the view, I put my camera away and packed up the lights. He was so focused that he didn’t realize the shoot was over. Putting my two bags on the bench, I walked toward the punching bag and waved my arms in order to get his attention. He followed through with the last punch and then grabbed the bag to stop it from swinging back in his direction. Pulling the earbuds out of his ears, he was breathing heavily when he asked, “Done already?”

  I nodded. “All done.”

  Wiping his forehead, he smiled. “That wasn’t so bad.”

  “No, it wasn’t.” I fought with everything in me to not check him out again. Swallowing hard, I blurted out, “I have to go now.”

  “Plans with your boyfriend tonight?” He looked at me and I couldn’t tell if he knew I was lying about the boyfriend thing or not.

  Looking him directly in his eyes, I smirked. “Something like that.”

  Resting both hands on top of his head, he exhaled evenly. Standing only a few feet away, I could see the wheels turning behind his clear blue eyes. I knew he wanted to say something. I felt it. But I wasn’t ready for whatever it was that was on his mind.

  “I need to head out, but it was a pleasure to shoot you. Thank you for your time.” I reached out to shake his hand. I could almost see the formality in my voice muting the light in his eyes, halting him from saying what was on his mind.

  And maybe that’s for the best, I thought as he shook my hand.

  “I’m going to help you with your bags. Let me wipe some of this sweat off of me and turn the lights off and I’ll walk you out. Do you have a few minutes?”

  My bags aren’t that heavy and I can carry them easily. I should get going. I need to leave, I thought as he smiled at me, still holding my hand.

  My heart skipped a beat and I smiled back. “I guess I have a few minutes.”

  He jogged to the locker room and I picked up my bags and headed to the area with the boxing ring.

  I couldn’t see him fighting in the ring. His face is too perfect. How could anyone let anything happen to that face? I thought sweeping my eyes across the room.

  Suddenly, the door to the gym clicked open. I turned and waited for the person to appear as the squeak of sneakers against the gym flooring got louder. When she emerged from the hallway threshold, my stomach dropped.

  Wearing black leggings, sneakers, and a cute white top, Camilla Parker walked in looking absolutely stunning in casual wear.

  “Oh God,” Camilla gasped, jumping back and clutching her hands to her chest.

  “You scared me! I wasn’t expecting anyone to be standing there when I walked in,” Camilla giggled. “Hey, I remember you. Summer? From the gallery right?”

  “Right. Hi Camilla,” I replied, forcing a smile. “How have you been?”

  I’ve been lusting after her boyfriend all afternoon… all week… all month, I thought in frustration. What am I doing? This is not me.

  “I’ve been well! Thanks for asking. How have you been? How was the shoot today?”

  “It went well. I got some really good shots,” I answered, shifting the camera bag with the lighting equipment to the other hand.

  “Good! It’s going to be weird seeing Xavier in an ‘Eligible Bachelor’ spread, but what can you do,” Camilla laughed prettily.

  I smiled as she continued, “I just needed to drop something off to him for tonight. Is he in the back?”

  I looked around. “Yeah, he went to the locker room and to close up.”

  “Okay, thanks! I don’t want to run off, but I have a hair appointment to get to.”

  I nodded. “I understand. It was good seeing you again.”

  “You too!” Camilla reached out to squeeze my arm before walking in the direction I had last seen Xavier.

  As soon as Camilla entered the locker room, I borderline ran out of the building. I felt numb as I moved swiftly and kept watch over my shoulder. Carefully placing all of my equipment in the trunk, I jumped in my car and peeled out of the parking lot. Turning the music up to an ear-piercing decibel, I ignored the sinking feeling in my chest. I ignored the thoughts in my head. And I ignored the tears that burned behind my eyes.

  **********

  Chapter 16: Autumn

  Waiting for my clothes to dry, I sat on the couch reading a book. As soon as the dryer buzzed, so did my phone.

  Boris: Give me a call when you get a chance.

  Putting the phone to my heart, I closed my eyes. It was Boris’s third text message since I woke up this morning. I didn’t respond to the ‘Good morning’ or the ‘I’m thinking about you’ text messages because I was confused. So instead, I showered, dressed and had a long talk with Summer about Jordan. I needed to debrief with her about my night, but I also welcomed the distraction. But sitting at home alone with a basket full of clean laundry, everything came rushing back.

  You know what? This is all Summer’s fault, I thought suddenly as I walked up stairs with my fresh linens. Dating all these guys was supposed to be completely fun and carefree. But I don’t feel carefree…in fact, I care too much! Though I will admit, moving from guy to guy was enlightening and liberating. I learned more about what I wanted, what I needed, and what I needed to stay far away from this month than I had with my safe, boring dates.

  I finished folding clothes and prepared to take the basket back down to the laundry room when my phone vibrated again.

  Jordan Moretti: Guess what just came on?

  Autumn Jones: What?

  Jordan Moretti: Dexter

  Autumn Jones: Haha! Watch the entire episode and wait until you see what he does in his kill room and tell me I wasn’t completely justified in my reaction to our first painting date!!

  Jordan Moretti: On it.

  Smiling, I put the phone on the nightstand and went downstairs. Jordan is refreshing. He is ridiculously cute. He’s fun. He’s sweet. And we have this physical connection that makes me want to kiss him and touch him the entire time we’re together. I know I said we should be friends, but the sparks fly when I’m around him so I need to keep my distance. Friendship is all I can offer him. I don’t want to be his rebound. I don’t want to be anyone’s rebound, I thought, chewing on my lip.

  Grabbing the book I left downstairs and a bottle of water, I retreated back to my room just in time to hear my phone vib
rating again. Checking it, I saw the missed call from Noah, my date for the night, and a new text message from Boris.

  Boris: I miss your voice.

  Reading his words made my mouth go dry. Frustrated by how four simple words could completely derail me, I took two huge gulps of water.

  It’s completely irresponsible for me to have feelings for a man that I’ve never met. It’s even more irresponsible to continue to entertain the idea of a relationship with him after he makes it clear that he doesn’t want a relationship. How did I even get here? As reckless and irresponsible as it is, I have feelings for him…we have feelings for each other. And it’s all for nothing because we want different things, I reflected as I paced back and forth across my room.

  When the phone rang and I saw who it was, it stopped me in my tracks. I had used every bit of self-restraint I had in me to not text him back. There was no way I could ignore his call.

  “Hello,” I answered the phone as I started pacing again, only faster.

  “Hi,” Boris responded tentatively. “How are you?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “I didn’t hear from you last night or this morning so I just called to check on you.”

  “Well, I’m fine.”

  The silence that followed was absolute. I sat down on the edge of the bed and waited for him to say something. I knew I was pouting like a petulant child, but I was having a moment, immersed in my feelings.

  “Autumn…” Boris started.

  As soon as I heard him speak my name, I broke. “I’m sorry,” I interrupted with a sigh. “I’m being childish.”

  “Talk to me.” The smooth deep tenor of his voice made my chest ache.

  Taking a deep breath, I said, “In the short amount of time we’ve known each other, I’ve developed feelings for you. And if you don’t have the time, energy, or desire to be in a relationship, what are we doing?”

  Boris was quiet before he answered honestly. “I don’t know. I don’t know what this is. I-I don’t know.”

  I crawled up to my pillow so I could lie down. “Me either.”