The Pain in Loving You

by Steiner, Kandi

  I didn’t even celebrate with a smile.

  Sophia trained me for an hour after the weigh-in, but her session was a cakewalk compared to Rhodes’. When he cancelled again on Monday, I didn’t even go to the club. I ran my neighborhood, instead. Twice. I ran and ran until my legs were numb and my watch hit quadruple digits, then I collapsed in my driveway, staring up at the blue Carolina sky. Clicking the record button on my watch, I decided to talk — even if it wasn’t to an actual person.

  “My muscles hurt today, but not half as bad as my heart,” I started, but then shook my head, realizing how stupid I was being. I didn’t need to impress the watch with my words. So, I started speaking freely. “I don’t know what is going on in my head.” I sighed. “I can’t stop thinking about Mason. I know he’s with Shay, but not seeing them together has made it easier to pretend that maybe he’s not. I want to believe that everything I’m doing to change my life is completely for me but then I think about him and her and I just…” My voice faded off and I watched as a soft white cloud slowly floated in front of the sun, granting me temporary relief from its rays. “He was my best friend. I don’t know how to lose him and Willow, both.” I swallowed. Saying the words out loud scared me and for the first time I wondered if I truly wanted to be with Mason or if I just didn’t want to be alone.

  “And then there’s Rhodes.” Just saying his name sent a familiar pang through my chest. “I don’t know what to even say about him.” I let the watch record nothing but my breathing for a moment. “He makes me so angry, like I’m forcing him to be my friend. But the truth is that I went into this whole thing knowing that wasn’t the case. He was the one who made me feel that way, because he invited me over. And he gave me advice. And he made me believe he cared about me.” I sighed. “I don’t know. He just makes me feel like maybe I have the ability to be someone I only dreamed I could be. He makes me feel powerful, strong, and sometimes… beautiful.” I blinked, knowing I was about to admit it out loud for the first time. “And I wanted him to kiss me.”

  A twinge kicked in my stomach and I sat upright, ending the voice recording on my watch. I had a headache from trying to figure everything out. Talking about it didn’t help like I thought it would. Maybe it was because I was talking to myself instead of someone who could offer resolution.

  Sighing, I slowly lifted my sore body from the concrete of the driveway and walked to the house, dialing Willow as I did. She didn’t answer and I remembered she was still at orientation. And Mom and Dale were still out of town.

  I felt as lonely and empty as the house I lived in.

  • • •

  Rhodes finally showed up for our training session on Tuesday afternoon. He was drenched in sweat when I got to the gym and I had a feeling he’d already been there for hours. His fiery eyes caught mine as soon as I walked in and my legs were instantly weak. I wasn’t sure if it was from my run the day before or the conflicting emotions running across his face, but I felt like I would fall to my knees at any moment. When I somehow managed to make it to him, I dropped my gym bag to the floor.

  Rhodes didn’t say anything at first. He wiped the sweat from his face with a small white towel and tucked it into the back of his shorts, frowning as his eyes fell down my body. I swore every part of my skin ignited as his eyes raked over me.

  “New clothes?”

  I laughed, rolling my eyes and crossing my arms hard over my chest. “Really? That’s the first thing you’re going to say to me?” Rhodes had a way of bringing out someone inside me who had never existed before. I was bold around him — unabashedly bold. It felt strange and incredible at the same time.

  Rhodes swallowed. “We need to train, Natalie. I’ve been out for two days.”

  “Oh I’m Natalie now? I’m not Bug anymore? And you’re right.” I pointed at his chest. “You’ve been out for two days. Why was that? Did you not show because of Saturday night?” It was like violent word vomit that I couldn’t control. Rhodes confused me, and I couldn’t figure out why I allowed him to make me feel embarrassed and sad one moment but then angry as hell the next. Before seeing him in the gym again, I felt like I had myself together. I thought when I eventually did see him, I’d be fine. But the truth was that I wanted to yell at him, to get a reaction out of him — any reaction.

  Instead, he just sat there, looking calm and collected and completely unaffected by me standing my ground.

  “I had some things to take care of.” He nodded toward the treadmill next to him. “Climb on and bump the incline up to four, speed two. Let’s get you warmed up.”

  “So we’re going back to you just being my trainer? Is that what this is?”

  Rhodes let out a frustrated sigh and jumped off the treadmill, landing hard in front of me. His eyes leveled with mine beneath a scowl. “I am just your trainer. Now you can either get on the damn treadmill and warm up or you can walk out. Either way, I’m getting paid. The choice is yours.” He snagged my empty water bottle from my hands and walked to the water fountain, filling it up along with his own.

  I pursed my lips, but decided not to argue further. Once again, I felt a little embarrassed by my actions. He’d made me feel like a friend… maybe even something more. But now he was insisting he was just my trainer and I his client — nothing more, nothing less. I shook my head, trying to clear it. I needed to train after being away from him for two days and more than that, I wanted to train. I wanted to work out every ounce of anger, pain, and sadness I had inside me. And at that moment, I had enough to work for hours.

  So we did.

  Every time Rhodes tried to end the training session, I begged him for more. I was exhausted, I threw up, my legs and arms were cramping but I didn’t stop. Every drop of sweat seemed to take a tiny ounce of my frustration with it as it rolled off the tip of my nose. When I worked my body, my mind was silent — and that’s exactly what I wanted.

  Finally, after just shy of four hours, Rhodes called it.

  “You have to stop, Natalie. You need rest. Go shower and change.”

  “I’m hitting the pool,” I said softly, wiping the sweat from my face and reaching for my bag. Rhodes’ hand darted out and caught my wrist.

  “I’m serious. You’re done for the day.”

  “I don’t want to stop,” I said loudly, standing up as tall as I could to look him in the eye. “I have a lot of shit going on right now and the only time I’m not thinking about all of it is when I’m here.”

  Rhodes’ brows pulled down over his eyes and he released his grip. “Fine. But let’s at least go to the sauna, instead. You don’t have to go home and it’ll be good for your muscles. Deal?”

  I nodded, grabbed my bag, and stormed toward the locker room. After quickly changing into my one-piece, I joined Rhodes in the sauna. But when I swung the door open and the heat hit me in a rush, I was still somehow frozen in place.

  Rhodes was the only one inside and I faltered at the sight of him.

  Every inch of his body was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, making his skin glow in the soft, warm light of the sauna. His bright eyes contrasted the darkness and the only clothing he wore was a lone white towel wrapped around his lower half. He was bent over, elbows on his knees, just like he’d been on Saturday night when I’d been bold enough to touch him for the first time. To wish for his lips on mine. When he saw me, his mouth parted slightly and he glanced briefly at my curves before snapping his eyes back to mine. His jaw tensed and I watched him swallow, his Adam’s apple straining in his throat.

  “You okay?” he asked when I didn’t move.

  I bit my lip and let the heavy wooden door of the sauna close behind me, leaving us alone and blocked off from the world. In an instant, Saturday night came flooding back to me, along with the embarrassment and anger I’d felt.

  “No. No, Rhodes, I am not okay.” I tried to say the words with confidence but my voice shook with every syllable. I had no idea what I was about to say but I didn’t give myself the chance to think about it
. “I am completely and frustratingly confused. You say you’re just my trainer but then you look at me like… like that.” I thrusted my hand out toward him. “Like you have to sit on your hands to keep from touching me.” I blanched at my own words and Rhodes’ mouth hardened into a thin line, but I kept going. “I never expected us to be anything, okay? I’m not trying to force you to be my friend but you make me feel like I am, when in reality, it’s you who blurred the line. You invited me over — twice. You go from talking to me and giving me advice one minute to making me feel like I annoy you the next.” I threw my hands up, exasperated. “You want to be friends? Great. I’d like that. You want to just be professional? That’s fine, too. But make up your mind and stop whipping me around like a damn rag doll.”

  I ripped the door open again and thought about running to the Rover, but decided to walk instead. I knew he wouldn’t chase after me, and I held my head high with the dignity I was still managing to hold on to. I did fumble with my keys, though — adrenaline rushing through my veins like never before. The shaking didn’t stop until fifteen minutes later when I made it inside my house and closed the front door behind me. Christina was just on her way out, her bags draped over her shoulder, but she paused when she saw me.

  “Everything okay, Miss Natalie?”

  Closing my eyes, I sighed and nodded. “I’m fine. You heading out?” I forced a smile, but she eyed me questioningly.

  “I am. Junior has a baseball tournament in Charlotte. I’ll be back on Saturday, though. Will you be okay until then?”

  “I’ll be fine, Christina,” I reassured her. “If all else fails, there’s always take out.”

  She laughed at that and her shoulders released the tension they’d been holding since I walked through the door. “Okay. You have my cell if you need me. And no need for take out,” she said as she opened the door. “There are dinners in the fridge with heating instructions.” With that, she winked and excused herself.

  I took an ice bath instead of a shower, trying to calm both my anger and the raging soreness awakening in my muscles. Working for four hours felt like a solid plan when I was at the gym, but I regretted it now.

  When I finished, I dressed in a large t-shirt and boy shorts and fell onto the couch downstairs. Even the thought of reaching for the remote made my body whine in protest, so I audibly sighed when the doorbell rang. With no help to answer the door like usual, I heaved myself up in one motion to get the pain out all at once and waddled into the foyer. Peeking through the peep hole, my stomach fell.

  It was Rhodes.

  I cracked the door open slowly, trying to hide behind it. My hair was still sopping wet and soaking my t-shirt and my shorts were much shorter than the pants I usually wore to the gym. But when Rhodes saw me, his eyes didn’t fall to acknowledge them. They stayed on mine as I noted his still-wet hair and the grocery bags in his hands.

  He shrugged. “Hungry?”

  “Depends.”

  “On?”

  I shifted. “Am I Natalie or Bug right now?”

  Rhodes grinned and the sight of it nearly knocked the air from my chest. “Bug. That is, if I still have the privilege to call you that.” He frowned again, waiting for me to respond.

  Slowly, I opened the door further. “Come in.”

  Rhodes’ shoulders were still tight as he moved inside. I closed the door behind us but he remained in the foyer. His eyes moved all around the house, taking in the living room and the large vaulted ceiling above it before settling on what little of the kitchen he could see from where we stood. He swallowed.

  “Your house is… wow.”

  I shrugged, grabbing the grocery bags from his hands. “It’s not my house. It’s Dale’s. And you’re not cooking tonight.”

  Rhodes followed me to the kitchen. “I’m starving, though.”

  “Me too. But you always cook and tonight I want you to talk.” I put his groceries in the fridge and cabinets before pulling out one of the meals Christina had prepared. It was baked lemon chicken with zucchini and squash. Pre-heating the oven, I followed her instructions written on the sticky note on top of the container and then turned back to Rhodes. “What does you being here mean?”

  Rhodes paused, leaning his elbows on the edge of our kitchen island. “I don’t know.”

  I shook my head. “Nope, not doing that. That’s what got us here in the first place. So are we friends or what?”

  “Or what.” He chuckled, but I pursed my lips and he cleared his throat, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t know, Natalie. What if I told you I’m still figuring it out?”

  I opened my mouth to argue, but then snapped it shut. I was still figuring out a lot of things, too — so could I really be upset with him for feeling the same way?

  “Okay.”

  “Okay?” he asked, one brow shooting up. “That’s it?”

  I nodded. “That was honest. That’s all I can ask for.”

  And it was. At the very least, I hoped he’d be honest with me more often, even if it meant hearing something I didn’t want to. For now, I didn’t want to think about it too much — he was here, which meant he did care about me, and that was enough. I needed him in my corner. After all, I’d already lost Mason and I’d be losing Willow soon. I was just thankful I hadn’t completely lost Rhodes, too.

  We sat in the kitchen while I made dinner, talking about a little of everything. He asked me more about Willow and her program and I asked him more about his skills in the kitchen. I was careful not to dive into the family territory, not wanting a replay of Saturday night. Rhodes seemed to relax the more we talked and after dinner, I poured us each a glass of wine before moving us to the living room.

  “You know you shouldn’t be drinking if you want to stay on your meal plan,” Rhodes scolded.

  I scoffed and reached for the remote to turn on the stereo. Soft music poured from the speakers and Rhodes looked all around us, awe lighting his face. “You know I’ve had a pretty shitty week and don’t exactly care about my meal plan right now, right?”

  “Can’t argue that, I guess.” He cheersed his glass to mine and we both took a sip, but his eyes were appraising me. “You’re cursing more now than when I first met you.”

  “I guess I have more to curse about.”

  Rhodes laughed, swirling the wine in his glass. “If that’s the way it’s measured then I should be a sailor by now.”

  “You practically are.”

  “Maybe I’m the bad influence, then,” he mused. His eyes were playful, his smile easy. Most of the time, Rhodes was shielded under a hard exterior, but in that moment, he was open. I wasn’t going to miss the opportunity to find out more about him.

  “So,” I said, pulling a small couch pillow over my lap. I was more than a little self-conscious about the shorts I was still wearing. “Have you ever thought about going to culinary school?”

  “Of course I have.”

  “And?”

  “And I don’t have the money for it,” he clipped, but he wasn’t upset. He was just being honest.

  “You can take out a loan.”

  “It’s not that easy, Bug. There are things that still tie me to Poxton Beach… some things that need to be resolved.”

  I took another sip of my wine, the bitter sweetness tingling on my tongue. “Your sister?”

  Rhodes swallowed hard and took a long pull from his own glass. I immediately regretted bringing her up again and cursed under my breath.

  “I’m sorry. It’s not my business.”

  “It’s fine,” he breathed, but I noted the way he gripped the glass tighter. “I don’t want to not talk about her. She deserves to be talked about.” He paused, eyes on his hands. “And yes, she’s the biggest reason why I can’t leave yet.”

  I chewed my lip. “Do you think she’d want you to stay?”

  “Fuck no.” He said the words with absolute certainty. “She’d probably kick my ass if she knew I was still here, especially if she knew what I’ve done sin
ce she disappeared.” His eyes caught mine for a moment and he looked back down at his lap. He was thinking about the drugs, the women, and embarrassment shaded his cheeks. “She’d tell me to get the hell out of here and go live my life. But I can’t do that yet.” He shook his head, lifting his eyes to mine again. “She wasn’t just my sister, she was my twin — we’re tied together in ways that other siblings just aren’t. And something inside me tells me if I look long enough, if I try hard enough, I can figure out what happened to her. And I owe that to her.” He paused. “I can’t leave without answers, Natalie.”

  “And if they never come?”

  His shoulders lifted slightly and he drained the rest of his glass even though I still had over half of mine left. “Then maybe I never leave.” Setting his glass on the coffee table, he stood and looked around the room, effectively ending the conversation. But I let him, because I knew with Rhodes I was lucky to get everything I had already.

  “Oh my gosh, I’m so rude,” I said, quickly standing to join him. “My mother would murder me if she knew I hadn’t given you the tour yet.”

  “That’s a little extreme,” Rhodes said, a hint of a smile playing at his lips.

  “Well, she’s an extreme woman,” I said. “Come on.”

  We toured the bottom floor first, everything from Dale’s office to the four car garage. I led him upstairs next and watched him closely as we went from room to room. His eyes were wide, but he didn’t say much. He just took in everything I told him about each room and sipped slowly on the second glass of wine I’d poured him before bringing him up. When we reached my room, he walked the walls slowly, his eyes scanning the photographs lining every inch of the soft, mint-colored paint. My room was small for the house, but gigantic in comparison to his. Mom hated that I covered the walls with photos but she knew there was no way to stop me. Photography was the one thing in the world I was unapologetically passionate about.

  “So this is why you always have that damn camera with you.”

  Every wall was filled with memories. Some of my family, some of my friends, and some of just Poxton Beach scenery. One of my walls was dedicated completely to places I’d traveled with Dale and Mom. My favorites were of Mykonos, an island in Greece we traveled to last summer. Rhodes traced his finger over the bright blue water in a shot I’d taken on the beach, the beautiful Grecian architecture lining the horizon in the background.