“This is the first time I’ve really seen you without a shirt on.” His abs were just as tight and defined as I’d imagined, and my fingertips lightly traced each crevice. Chills raced from where I touched him to cover his entire body and I smiled.
“I’m nothing special.”
I frowned when I realized there were faint scars that ran across his lower stomach. When I touched them, Rhodes grabbed my wrists firmly and flipped us over, thrusting between my hips and kissing me hard.
“I want you tonight, Rhodes. Please,” I pleaded, kissing the bare skin of his shoulder. I could feel his hard on through the cotton fabric of his briefs. When I moaned against his skin and bit his shoulder lightly, he hardened more.
“Jesus Christ,” he whispered, burying his face in my neck. “I don’t know how to do this. You’re not like the women I’ve had before. I want to take you slowly, gently, but I don’t know how.”
My breath quickened at his honesty. “So take me how you want to. Hard, fast, rough...” I pulled my hands from his grasp and raked my nails down his back. “I don’t want you easy.”
Rhodes groaned from deep within his chest at the contact, but shook his head, lifting it to look down at me. “That’s just it, though. I disconnect when I have sex, Bug. I’ve never… it’s never meant anything to me before.” He swallowed, his thumb tracing the edge of my jaw. “It means something tonight. And I want to feel every single moment with you.”
He kissed me again, slower this time, his lips sticking to mine each time he pulled back. When his index finger found the inside of my wrist and he pressed there gently, I sighed contently, mirroring his grip and feeling his heart, too. Mine wasn’t the only one racing.
I slipped my fingers beneath the band of his briefs and tugged them down halfway before Rhodes took control. He kicked them off, pressing himself at my entrance as he balanced on shaky arms. My breath hitched. Every nerve was at full alert. He was so close, and I’d never wanted anything more than to close the distance between us.
Quickly, Rhodes tore open the condom package he’d retrieved from his jeans when we were on the stairs. Pullling away slightly, he slid the condom over his length. He was bigger than I’d realized, even after having him strained against his shorts so many nights before, and my breath was too much to exhale only through my nose anymore. My mouth parted when he positioned himself between my thighs again, my chest tight with anticipation.
He felt the weight, too, because he kissed me softer once more before whispering, “Are you sure?”
I nodded, digging my heels into his backside to pull him nearer. His tip grazed my wet opening and we both moaned together. Rhodes sucked my lip into his mouth and then he filled me. All at once. Completely and unapologetically.
He groaned, withdrawing before rocking into me once more. It stung a little, and I held on tighter.
“Are you okay?”
I nodded again, words completely lost at that point. I felt him holding back just like I had every night before then. He entered me slowly, carefully, but each thrust hit deeper, and when he picked up the pace, I couldn’t control my moans anymore. They echoed through my room and down the hall, and it was like hearing them obliterated his self-control. Rhodes fisted his hands in my hair and yanked my head back, sucking my left nipple into his mouth and flexing into me harder, hitting a space inside me I’d never known existed.
Rhodes slid into me over and over until I fit his length more comfortably, then he rolled me over onto my hands and knees. Grasping the back of my neck, he pressed my face into the hot comforter and splayed his hand on my upper back before slamming into me from behind. I cried out, but not from pain. Rhodes inside me gave me nothing but pure, unimaginable pleasure.
“Yes,” I breathed, but I was still so unsure of my own voice when I was in bed with him. Rhodes gripped my hips firmly and pounded into me again. “Yes,” I cried louder. He filled every inch of me in this position. I could feel my orgasm mounting, and I prayed for the release.
But Rhodes waited.
He pulled me to straddle him once more, only this time he remained sitting up. Every part of our bodies were pressed together. My legs were wrapped around his waist, his mouth was hard on mine, and he rocked into me with such calculated pressure I whimpered at the sensation.
“I love the way you feel,” he growled, moving his hands from my waist to grip the top of my shoulders. It was as if he was doing a pull up, but instead, he was pulling me down onto him, burying himself deeper. “Tight. Wet.” He flexed his hips. “Fucking incredible.”
His words lit me on fire — from the deepest part of my core to the hairs standing on edge at his touch. I felt like I was drowning in a wildfire, burning and gasping for a clean breath of air. Yet still, I wanted to inhale his smoke, I wanted him to consume me completely. It was the most terrifying and arousing contradiction.
“Harder,” I whispered, and then my cheeks immediately flushed. Rhodes smiled, biting his lower lip and letting his teeth rake the tender flesh.
He stood, my legs still wrapped around his waist, then he dropped me down to the bed and grabbed my ankles, lifting them to rest on his shoulders. I was completely exposed as Rhodes delivered on my request, and each time he pounded into me, my breasts bounce with the force. I should have been embarrassed, but he gazed down at me with such desire that I only felt sexy.
And I’d never felt that way before.
“Oh,” I moaned, gripping the sheets and the edge of the bed. “Yes, Rhodes. Yes.”
He slid his hand around my thigh and applied just the faintest bit of pressure to my clit, but it was all it took to send me spiraling. The combination of him inside me and the friction from his touch crashed into my senses from every side, swallowing the world around me until I was in a sensational frenzy. I felt everything. I felt nothing. I was numb. I was burning.
He came with me, and watching his face as I brought him to ecstasy only fueled my release more. I felt powerful, desired, and beautiful.
For once, I actually felt what he had been saying for so long.
Rhodes groaned and pulled me down onto the floor. He was still inside me, both of us pulsing. He kissed me long and soft, his fingers brushing through my hair. We stayed tangled together on the floor, breathing each other in, lightly touching and kissing. But before long, Rhodes was hard again, and I was aching for more.
We didn’t speak another word that night.
Rhodes took his time exploring my body until well after the sun had peeked through the white curtains in my window. We stopped only because there were no other condoms, and Rhodes refused to take the chance without me being on birth control. How he was able to think straight in that moment, I’d never know.
I was completely sated when Rhodes finally wrapped me in his arms, cradling my body with his own. His breaths evened out before mine, but soon they lulled me to sleep, too. And for the first time since I’d met him, I didn’t wish for a dream of Rhodes. In that moment, reality was better.
• • •
I woke later that evening. The sunlight was still shining through my window, basking the room in an orange glow. Quietly, I carefully peeled myself out of bed and grabbed my camera. After finding the right setting, I snapped one simple photo of Rhodes sleeping. I knew the photograph wouldn’t ever compare to the actual view, but I had to try to capture it somehow.
After Rhodes had pointed out that I didn’t have a mirror in my room, I’d asked Dale to buy me one. It was a free-standing full-length mirror with a light blue, wooden frame. Hesitantly, I moved to stand in front of it.
My curls were still intact, though they were messy and wilder from the night. My cheeks were rosy, my lips dark and plump, eyes wide. Slowly, I positioned my camera at my chest and tilted the lens upward to focus on my face in the mirror. Then, for the first time ever, I took a photo of myself.
Click.
It was such a simple noise — too simple for what I felt in that moment. It was soft and almost nonexisten
t, which was the exact opposite of what I felt.
Rhodes’ hands touched my elbows first and I jumped, but then leaned back against him as he traced my skin down to my hands. He grabbed the camera, and I dropped my grip, letting him take control. I turned to face him just as he looked through the viewfinder and it clicked again. I smiled.
“What are you doing?” I asked, my voice raspy.
He smiled, too. “Finding something beautiful in the chaos.”
Rhodes photographed me from every angle imaginable. He focused on my lips, my hands, my eyes. Sometimes he captured everything, sometimes he zeroed in. I let him shoot until he decided he'd had enough, then I turned the camera in his hands and leaned in close, tucking my head into his chest and snapping a picture of the two of us, careful to crop it to just our faces. It was our first picture, and we both looked calm, sated - happy.
Rhodes kissed my cheek as he dropped my camera back on the nightstand and I wrapped my arms around his neck.
“What’s your first name?”
He kissed me back, his hands resting on my waist. “Rhodes”
“Your name is Rhodes Rhodes?” I smirked, nudging him.
Rhodes’ jaw flexed and he swallowed. It never occurred to me that maybe he hadn’t told anyone before. Why would anyone want to hide their name?
“It’s William.”
I smiled. “William.” He shivered when the syllables left my lips. “I like that name.”
Chapter Seventeen
RHODES AND I DID eventually make it to the gym that Sunday for my weigh-in, after staying in bed all afternoon and evening. I was officially down thirty pounds, and I’d lost another two inches off my hips and three off my waist since my last measurement three weeks ago. It was a huge milestone, and we celebrated, though Rhodes warned me that it would be more difficult to lose from that point on.
It was surreal to me. In six weeks, I’d lost more weight than I thought I was even capable of. More than that, I’d gained muscle and strength — in more ways than one. At the beginning of the summer, I’d felt like I was floating. I was trying to find a purpose, a drive, a passion, but I kept coming up short. The more my body changed, the more I let myself see the beauty in my life and my choices. Maybe I wasn’t on the traditional path that society had lined up for me. Did that really mean I wouldn’t find my own way?
After our session, I drove straight to Willow’s to spend her last night in town together, though it was extremely difficult to say goodbye to Rhodes. I knew he had made the decision to not fight whatever we had anymore, but still, something inside me knew what we had was fleeting. When we were apart, he had the chance to think — and when he had time to think, he thought about all the reasons we couldn’t be together. I had a constant ache in my chest that told me not to hold on too tight, but it only made me squeeze my fists harder.
Willow was completely packed and ready to go when I showed up, so I took a quick shower and we fell onto her couch to watch a string of movies we’d seen a thousand times before. We hadn’t even made it through the credits of 10 Things I Hate About You when Willow turned to me, popping a sour gummy worm in her mouth.
“Okay, now that we have background noise, I need to know every detail of your night after you left last night.”
I chuckled. “I already told you. Rhodes and I talked, then we went back to my place.”
“And?” She dragged the word out, spinning the worm in her hand. I laughed.
“And,” I exaggerated. “None of your business.”
“Boo!” Willow tossed her half-eaten worm at me, the sugar crystals flying all over my sweatpants. “You’re the worst. You can’t bone the bad boy of Poxton High and not tell your best friend how big his wang is.”
“His wang, Lo? Really?”
“Yes, really!”
I laughed, retrieving the airborne worm and biting off its tail. “Fine. Let’s just say I’m still sore… and not from the squats today.”
“SHUT UP.”
“Okay, stop.” I blushed, sitting up straighter. “That’s all you get. Did people freak out when I left?”
I could tell Willow wanted to ask more, but she conceded. “Oh, of course.”
“I’m sure they’re still talking,” I groaned.
“Whatever. People are always going to talk, might as well give them something to yap about. And believe me, you and Rhodes are definitely gossip-worthy.”
“I just feel like we’re already so complicated, the last thing we need is everyone else in our business. But I know that’s how it’ll be.” I could feel how fragile our relationship was, and I wondered if Rhodes felt the same. He was always more confident than I was, but I wasn’t sure if that applied to us or just my training. “And what if they’re right? I mean, what do you think? Did I make a mistake choosing Rhodes? Am I just too naïve to see the signs of something that’s going to end up crushing me? I mean, look at him.” I gestured toward the door and then back to my own body. “And look at me.”
Willow popped up from the couch and skipped over to a large shopping bag leaning against the fireplace. Falling back down into the cushions, she shoved it toward me. “Forget what they think. Or what they say. You walked out that door because you knew in your heart it was the right thing to do, right?”
I nodded. “I’ve never been surer of anything in my entire life.”
She shook her head, her dark eyes sincere, a small smile reaching her lips. “We only have so much time to be, Natalie. So be wild, be crazy, be spontaneous, and be passionate. Never be sorry. And when someone tells you you’ll regret your choice later, be confident in the fact that you won’t.”
I pulled a smooth, red scrap of fabric from the bag. It was the top to a swim suit. Which meant there was a bottom. Which meant it was two pieces, not one.
Willow smiled wider, pointing at the string dangling from my fingers. “And this weekend, when you’re celebrating the Fourth of July with Rhodes, be sexy as fuck.”
I choked out a laugh. “I can’t wear this. It’s a two-piece.”
“And you’re a fox. I mean it,” she said, lowering her head to meet my gaze. “Just promise me you’ll try it on. Please?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
Even though the thought terrified me, maybe it was time to start finding comfort in my new skin. Willow’s words played over and over in my head, growing in volume each time. I didn’t know if what I had with Rhodes would last. I could end up in a blissful heaven or I could fall to the floor and break into a million tiny pieces. Either way, I wasn’t going to waste any of the moments I did have with him.
Pulling Willow in for a long hug, I let my eyes brim with tears knowing she was leaving in just twelve short hours. “Thank you. I don’t know what I’ll do without you here.”
“Don’t sweat it,” she said, squeezing me in return. “And something tells me Rhodes and his wang will keep you busy.”
“Don’t say wang ever again.”
“No promises.”
• • •
The first days of July flew by in a heated frenzy. Rhodes trained me harder during the days and loved me longer through the nights. If I thought the heat I felt from him was dangerous before, I was practically jumping into a volcano at this point. But I craved the burn.
Standing in front of my full-length mirror in nothing but a tiny swim suit on the Fourth of July, I felt particularly sweaty. Rubbing my palms against the tops of my thighs, I turned to the left, inspecting my exposed skin. The cherry red top and bright white bottoms blazed against my tan, though my stomach was a few shades lighter. I was far from being able to walk without jiggling, but at the same time, my curves were more defined than before. My waist was smaller, the skin around my hips more taut — I felt like maybe I could pull it off.
Blowing out a long breath, I threw on my navy blue cover up and beach hat before I could talk myself out of it. Just as I was about to walk out the door to meet Rhodes, my phone pinged.
“Hey guys!” I said when the
video of Mom and Dale came into focus. They were spending the holiday in the Hamptons with Dale’s friends from New York.
“Oh sweetie!” Mom squealed, her hands flying to her mouth. “You look so great!”
“Mom, you just saw me last week.”
“It feels like longer.”
Dale laughed. “She’s right though, Natalie. How did the weigh-in go?”
I filled them in on Willow’s party and my milestone weigh-in. I left out everything about Rhodes other than our training sessions, of course. I knew they’d find out eventually, but I still wasn’t sure how Mom would take me choosing Rhodes over Mason. That was definitely an in-person conversation.
Dale high-fived me through the screen for standing up to Shay and Mom swatted at him, but she seemed to be proud, too. Dale went into detail about their planned day out on the yacht, too, which made me miss them more than I realized. In a way, I wished they were home, even if I was enjoying the time alone with Rhodes.
Mom nodded along with Dale as he talked, her blonde hair blowing slightly in the breeze from the porch where they were standing. She was smiling, though she looked more tired than usual. I noted the dark skin above her cheeks and the tensed edges of her eyes. I wondered if Dale was still working on his addiction, but I didn’t chance asking. After blowing them each a kiss, I ended the call and sprinted out the door to the Rover.
I was still nervous each time I knew I was about to see Rhodes. When he bounded out of his apartment, his backpack slung over his shoulder and a wide smile on his lips, I faltered, nearly revving the engine. He swung open the door and tossed his bag in the back before grabbing my face between his hands and kissing me like he hadn’t spent the night before in my sheets.
The Pain in Loving You Page 19
