The Pain in Loving You

by Steiner, Kandi

  “Here,” I offered, reaching into my pocket for my phone. The officer pulled his gun, pointing it straight at my chest.

  “Whoa whoa whoa!” Rhodes stepped in front of me again, scowling at the cop. “Are you fucking crazy?”

  “Keep your hands where I can see them!”

  I panicked, dropping my phone completely and letting it shatter on the ground as I lifted my arms above my head. “I’m sorry,” I said with shaky voice. I sounded weak, and in that moment, maybe I was. I’d never been in trouble with law enforcement. I didn’t know how to act. I didn’t understand why this man looked at me like a criminal. “I was just going to call him for you.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  Shifting on my feet, I glanced at Rhodes before answering. “I’m Natalie Poxton.” My eyes found the officer’s just in time to see recognition set in. “The property owner is my dad.”

  • • •

  I’d never stared at my feet for so long.

  My eyes were tracing the stitches on my Keds, following the lining of the laces through each hoop and back. I could hear Mom tapping her finger on the edge of the kitchen counter and even though I hadn’t looked yet, I could feel Dale’s eyes on the point of contact where Rhodes’ hand held mine. None of us had said a word since Officer Martino left, and I definitely didn’t want to be the first to break that silence.

  Disappointing Mom and Dale wasn’t something I was used to. Before now, my only offenses had been minor party incidents that they usually scolded me for before breaking out into laughter. It was child’s play. Something all teenagers in Poxton Beach went through.

  This, however, was not.

  “Mr. and Mrs. Poxton,” Rhodes started, his deep baritone sounding so foreign beneath the blanket of silence we’d been under. “I just want to apologize for our actions tonight. Natalie had nothing to do with what happened. It was my idea.”

  I snapped my attention to Rhodes, mouth open and ready to correct him, but he gave me a stern look that made me shut it, instead.

  “Well that much is obvious,” Dale retorted. “But you’re notorious for bad ideas, aren’t you, Rhodes?”

  “Dale!” Rhodes squeezed my hand tighter, but I refused to let Dale talk to him that way.

  “Don’t raise your voice at us, young lady,” Mom warned. I couldn’t remember the last time she’d called me young lady.

  “Mom, it wasn’t his fault. It was my idea to break into the boat barn tonight.”

  “Honey,” she said the pet name with a hint of sympathy, as if I didn’t know what I was saying.

  “It’s true! It was my idea. And I’m sorry. But look, nothing was taken, we didn’t break anything. We were just…” My voice trailed off when I realized I couldn’t exactly tell them what we were doing.

  “You were just what, Natalie?” Dale probed. His brows were set in a firm straight line over his hard eyes.

  “I can’t tell you.” I murmured the words, just barely audible over the hum of the refrigerator.

  “Why?” Mom asked. She was heated, angrier than I’d ever seen her. I glanced to Rhodes, but that only fueled her fire. “It’s clear that whatever you were doing, it was something you didn’t want us finding out. And that won’t fly in this household.”

  “I’m sorry. It won’t happen—”

  “Again?” Dale asked, laughing a little. “Oh, you bet your ass it won’t. I don’t know who you’ve become hanging out with this delinquent,” he added, gesturing to Rhodes. “But stealing my keys and trespassing on a property you know you shouldn’t be on is absolutely unacceptable.”

  “Stop talking about him like he’s not standing right next to me!”

  “Bug, it’s fine,” Rhodes soothed, rubbing the pad of his thumb along my hand. “I’m just going to wait outside.”

  “Oh no you are not, young man,” Mom said. She was shaking slightly, her face red and blotchy. “You are never to see my daughter again. Ever. Do you hear me?”

  “Mom!” I choked on her name, my heart jumping to attention at her implication. It didn’t slowly accelerate. It jumped. It galloped. I felt it threatening to break through the confines of my rib cage.

  “Do not argue with me, Natalie! Now I have had enough of this nonsense. Rhodes was your trainer and that was all he was ever meant to be. Clearly he has seduced you, that much is obvious, but that all ends tonight. I will not stand for this any longer.”

  “Are you serious?” I cried incredulously. I dropped Rhodes’ hand, stepping toward her. “Do you hear yourself? Do you hear the way you’re talking about a human being who’s standing right here in your kitchen?”

  “This isn’t up for discussion.”

  “You don’t get to decide what I do with my life!”

  “As long as you live under this roof, we do. Now stop disrespecting your mother and walk him out,” Dale demanded. He wouldn’t even say Rhodes’ name.

  “Then I’ll move out!”

  “And go where?” Mom asked incredulously. “You’re not enrolled in college, you don’t have a job, and you won’t have a cent to your name if you disobey us.”

  “I’m not staying away from him.” I shook my head, my eyes blurring with tears that quickly bubbled and fell over my cheeks. Faintly, I heard our front door close, and I whipped around to find Rhodes gone. “Rhodes?”

  “Just let him go, sweetie.” Mom reached out to touch my hand but I jerked back. I plead with my eyes for her to stop, for her to wake up and realize what she was doing, but she remained unmoved.

  “You’re awful,” I whispered, my eyes bouncing between the two of them. “Just because you have your own fucked up shit going on doesn’t mean you have to drag me down with you.”

  “Natalie!” Dale chastised, but I turned on my heel and sprinted out the door without another word.

  I expected Rhodes to be gone, but he was still standing in the driveway, hands in his pockets, facing the road. The moon was barely a sliver that night, and the darkness only made me feel more helpless as I walked slowly toward him. My steps were soft, the night was quiet — such a contrast from the war raging inside me.

  Sliding my hands through the space between his arms and his middle, I wrapped myself around him, pressing my forehead into the hard muscles of his back. He was shivering, just slightly, just barely enough to notice.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  He cleared his throat, lifting one arm to pull me into his side. “Don’t be.”

  “I can’t believe them. If they think I’m going to listen to them, they’ve seriously lost their minds.”

  “They’re right, Natalie.”

  I lifted my head from his chest and glanced up at his stoic expression. “What? Rhodes, no, they’re not. They don’t know anything about you.”

  “And you do?” he challenged, dropping his hold on me. I was suddenly so cold.

  “Yes,” I whispered, though the way he was looking at me made me feel like I shouldn’t be so sure. His emerald eyes were wild, mouth pressed into a thin line, jaw set.

  “I’m not right for you, Natalie. I don’t fit into this life. Into your life.”

  “Stop, Rhodes. You know they aren’t me.”

  “But this is your life, Natalie,” he said again. “This is how it’s supposed to be for you. It’s what you deserve. Great parents, a nice house, a rich husband with the means to take care of you.” He licked his lower lip, his brows knitting together. “You deserve a good life, one without the pain I’ve already brought you and that I know I’ll bring continually, over and over again. I’m trouble. I’m fucked up. I have baggage. I have weight.”

  “You’re none of those things!” I argued. “You’re strong. And passionate. And you’ve pushed me to be someone I never knew I could be this summer.”

  “And that’s just it,” he said. “That’s all I am for you, Natalie. Yes, I do think I changed you this summer, just the way you changed me. And that’s where it ends. I’m not your prince, Bug. I’m not the one you marr
y and live a long happy life with, the one you have kids with, the one you sit in a rocking chair next to when you’re old.” He shook his head but I shook mine harder. I could feel it. He was pulling back, retreating into the same shell I’d found him in just two months before. “I. Don’t. Fit. I’m a stage for you. A chapter. And this is the last page.”

  “Please, Rhodes,” I begged, but he pushed past me to the side of the house where he’d parked his bike. I followed. “You don’t mean this. You said you promised yourself you were done walking away from me. You know this isn’t it. This isn’t over.” I was on his tail every step, but he kept pace until he reached his bike. He climbed on, not saying another word. “Damnit, Rhodes, look at me!”

  It was then I noticed how hard his breaths were coming. His chest rose and fell in an unsteady rhythm, the tremble still evident in his hands. He gripped his helmet, but paused, turning to face me. His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat as he waited for my move. I knew he didn’t want to leave me, but for some reason he felt he needed to.

  If he was going to walk away, I wasn’t going to let him do it without knowing the truth.

  “I chose you. Remember?”

  “I didn’t ask you to choose me.”

  “You didn’t ask me to love you, either.”

  He scowled, but I saw him crack beneath it. “You don’t love me, Natalie.”

  “Don’t tell me what I feel,” I cried. My voice was shaky, breaking with every word. “I wish I didn’t love you, but I do.” Rhodes’ eyes softened, but his lips were still pressed together. I could see it. He was trying not to feel, and I was determined to make him. “It hit me all at once, like a thought or a memory of something I’ve known all along. I don’t have a choice, Rhodes. I love you because there is no other option for me.”

  I knew he wouldn’t say it back, and I didn’t expect him to. I only wanted him to stay. Because in my heart, I already knew he loved me. He loved me with such intensity that I should have been terrified. Instead, I was fascinated. And desperate for more.

  My heart wasn’t ready to let him go.

  Rhodes swallowed, and his eyes fell to my lips. For a moment, I thought he might reach for me. His hand twitched where it held the straps of his helmet, and I willed him to follow through with the instinct.

  But he didn’t.

  There were no physical walls to be seen, but I still watched as they slammed down around him. I watched his eyes gloss over. I watched the scowl form over his softened features, hardening them again, maybe even more so than before.

  Slipping the helmet over his head, he buckled the straps and gripped the handlebars, turning to face the road. “I told you that night that you were making the wrong decision,” he said, his voice low. He hesitated for just a moment before revving the engine to life. “You should have listened to me.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut and let two tears fall parallel down my cheeks. I kept them shut and listened to him drive away. Even when the last sound of the engine had faded and I was alone again in the still night air, I refused to open my eyes. I wouldn’t watch him leave. I wouldn’t face the fact that he was gone. I wouldn’t admit that he left, not after what I’d told him.

  All that time, I had felt the break coming. I had seen the warning signs. We both had. I guess in a way, we knew it was only a matter of time before the fragile shell of our relationship cracked beneath the weight of reality. I was content to live in that dream with him until it all came crashing down and the rubble killed us both, but he had left without me. Now, I was alone, clinging to the what ifs that he refused to hear. The crack was spreading faster and faster, and I watched helplessly as it creaked across the only foundation I had ever built.

  I still stayed, waiting to be crushed, praying to be saved.

  And the only comfort I found was that regardless of the outcome, it would all be over soon.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  THERE’S SOMETHING SO STRANGELY satisfying about heartbreak. It’s almost like if you can feel that much for anything, maybe life is worth it. There was a constant ache in my chest after Rhodes left. It wasn’t dull, yet it wasn’t quite sharp — but it was always present. Thoughts of him filled me with hope just as much as they crushed me. I told myself I should forget him, but I listened to songs with words that made me think of him, instead. It was a repetitive, modern form of torture that I somehow found solace in.

  I didn’t even try to reach out to him over the weekend. I weighed in by myself on my mom’s scale at the house. I was down another four pounds, which was more than I had lost in a while. I guess when you run for hours every day and get sick at even the thought of food, that tends to happen. It wasn’t a healthy diet, but I didn’t know how else to handle my new reality.

  But it was Monday, and to me, that felt like a new beginning of sorts.

  Crawling out of bed, I talked myself through getting dressed, taking the time to make myself look somewhat presentable. Willow made me promise to call her after her morning class. She had taken it upon herself to check on me, like I might disappear off the face of the earth if she didn’t.

  If only it were that easy.

  “Wait, are you wearing makeup?” Willow asked as soon as the video chat connected.

  “I think I’m going to go see him.”

  Her face fell. “Um, what?”

  “Hear me out,” I offered, holding up my hands. “Our normal training session starts in an hour. I figured I’ll just show up. If he’s there, then maybe we can talk. And if he’s not, well… then I’ll take it as my cue to leave it alone.”

  “Don’t you think him peeling out of your driveway should have been your cue to leave it alone?”

  “He didn’t peel out, Willow.”

  “He might as well have!” Willow’s face softened a bit when she saw the sadness I knew perfectly well was outshining my makeup. She sighed. “Look, I can’t tell you what to do. I know he means a lot to you. And he’s made a huge impact on your life. But look at how much you’re already hurting,” she said. “What if he’s there with a client? I don’t want my best friend to break, Nat. I still need you around.”

  “I don’t know. I just feel like I can’t not fight for him.”

  “You told him you loved him,” she gently reminded me, though I felt a knife twist between my ribs anyway.

  “Well, I can try something else.”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know!” I screamed the words, breathing harder. I was losing control with every passing moment. “I have no idea what I’ll say or do if he’s there today, Lo, but I can’t just sit here. I’m going insane.”

  “Come to Boone,” she urged. “You can stay with me in my dorm for a while. We’ll go out to some parties, you can sit in class with me. You’ll see. Life is a lot bigger than Poxton Beach.”

  My stomach lurched, because just two months ago I was telling myself those same words. Now, it seemed nothing was bigger than Rhodes. He was all I could breathe. I didn’t want to imagine a life outside of Poxton Beach unless he was in it, too.

  “Just promise me you’ll think about it, okay?”

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  “And if you go today, just prepare for the worst.”

  “I think I’ve already experienced that.”

  She shrugged. “Still. You can never be too careful with your heart.”

  I half-laughed. “Sounds like something you should sew on a pillow.”

  “I just might.”

  A soft knock at my bedroom door startled me, and when my mom peeked through, I swallowed. “I’ll text you later tonight, Lo.”

  She nodded, eying where my mom stood in the doorway before blowing me a kiss and ending the chat.

  “What?” I asked, not even bothering to look at my mom. It was a new experience for me, being disrespectful to her, but she’d taught me my entire life to never give respect to someone who hadn’t earned it.

  She was the last person who deserved my respect in that moment.
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  “You can’t honestly still be angry with me.”

  I didn’t respond. I was already dressed for the gym, but I packed extra clothes in my gym bag anyway. Anything to keep from looking at her.

  “I’m doing this because I love you, sweetie. Trust me. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but one day you’re going to look back at this and thank me. It feels like Rhodes is everything to you right now, but it’s just because you’re so young, Natalie. You’ll understand when you’re older that this was just a phase.”

  “Oh cut the shit, Mom,” I spat at her, finally bringing my eyes to hers.

  She pursed her lips. “Do not take that tone with me. I’m your mother, and I know what’s best for you.”

  “Oh, is that so?” I scoffed. “Do you really think anything about Poxton Beach has been good for me? You think just because you married a rich man and I had new clothes and plenty of money to go out, that I should have been completely happy?”

  “I love Dale,” she said, her voice shaky. She was starting to turn red again just like she had in the kitchen a few nights before. “Don’t you dare insinuate otherwise. And the fact that you’re ungrateful for all he’s given us just shows me how immature you still are.”

  “I’m not ungrateful. Yes, I know we’re fortunate. But money and status aren’t important to me. They never have been. All I’ve wanted my entire life was to feel loved without having to change. For so long, I thought maybe I had it all, maybe I was just strange because I wasn’t happy even though my life was perfect. But the truth is, I’ve been stuck in this false sense of security and belonging my entire life.” I shook my head, the realization hitting me as the words spilled from my lips. “Willow was my only true friend in this town and now she’s gone.”

  “You have a lot of friends.”

  “No, that’s just it. I don’t. And it’s okay that you didn’t see that before because neither did I. It took Rhodes loving me for exactly who I am and not who I could be or should be for me to realize it.”

  “He doesn’t love you, honey,” she said with a sigh. “Mason loved you. And he’s a good boy who will someday turn into a good man. I know you don’t see it right now, and it kills me that we’re fighting, but trust me. You’ll understand one day. If you just listen to me, your life will be better.”