The Pain in Loving You

by Steiner, Kandi

  I smirked, my heart warming at his sentiment. “You’ve listened to my podcast, huh?”

  At that, Tyler’s smile fell, and he cleared his throat, looking out over the mountains ahead of us. “What else?”

  “Nice subject change,” I said on a laugh, but then I sighed, thinking. “Well, aside from that, I’d say a big part of it is how I was brought up. My mom never had much, obviously. And Aunt Laura, while she has her salon, it took a long time to make it successful the way it is now. She’s always lived modestly.”

  Because of me, a guilty voice whispered, knowing any penny she could have saved was spent keeping me in Bridgechester Prep, but I didn’t say that part out loud.

  Tyler seemed to know anyway, though, the way he was looking at me. “That makes sense, actually. A lot of people feel that way. If they grow up with nothing but then come into money, they feel like it’s fake, or like it will disappear, like it’s too good to be true.”

  I swallowed. “Yeah.” But we were getting into uncomfortable territory for me, and now I was thinking about my mom, and about my ghost of a dad, and I shook my head. “Anyway. New subject.”

  “What would you rather talk about?”

  Tyler kicked his legs where they hung beneath him, his lime green and dark gray Nikes catching the glow of the setting sun. His legs were tan and lean, muscular, dusted with hair. I looked at them longer than I should have before answering.

  “Do you remember the summer after my junior year, after you graduated, when you threw that epic party at your house?”

  Tyler smirked, watching his shoes before his gaze lifted to the mountains in the distance. “How could I forget? Mom and Dad grounded me for the rest of the summer.”

  “It was worth it, though. People still talk about that party. Julie Sanders brings it up almost every time I catch up with her.”

  “That’s because Julie Sanders lost her virginity in the Palms Suite.”

  I wrinkled my nose. “To Joey Farchione. Yuck.”

  “And then he jumped in the pool stark ass naked screaming, ‘I got laid! I got laid!’”

  “Oh, my gosh. And remember, Byron got so drunk he let Morgan put makeup on him and braid his hair.”

  “She even put fake lashes on.”

  I snorted, remembering the image as if it just happened.

  “Wasn’t that the night Morgan hit her head on the chandelier dancing on the dining room table? And we were worried she’d have a concussion?”

  I gasped. “Oh my gosh, yes! She was giggling and singing the theme song to Gulla Gulla Island.”

  “Which we thought warranted a trip to the hospital, when really that was pretty par for the course for my sister.”

  “I still remember waking her up every couple hours that night to check her pupils, though.”

  Tyler chuckled. “Well, that’s because you’re a good friend.” He nudged me with his shoulder, sighing with a grin and his eyes back on the mountains. “What a wild night. I was up most of it fighting with Clarissa, though, if I remember right.”

  I shoved my finger in my mouth and pretended to gag, which made Tyler smile.

  “She was such a brat,” I added, shaking my head at the memory of her. “Always carried that Louis Vuitton purse, even in gym class. And she was absolutely horrid to her friends. I remember overhearing her telling Olivia in the girls’ bathroom at school that if she didn’t get her acne under control, she wouldn’t be allowed to sit with Clarissa at lunch anymore.”

  Tyler let out a long exhale. “Yeah, she wasn’t the best.” He paused. “But fuck did she have some nice tits.”

  “Pig,” I spat, smacking his arm to the tune of his laughter.

  “To be fair, you hated everyone I dated.”

  “I did not,” I defended, but already felt my gut shrinking at the truth of it.

  “Name one person you actually liked.”

  I pulled my mouth to the side, Tyler smiling bigger and bigger the more time that passed without an answer.

  “Well, our high school was full of idiots. And I didn’t think any of them were good enough for you.”

  Tyler fell quiet at that, and I flushed so hard I wished my hair was still down in curls that I could cover my face with instead of tied back in a ponytail.

  “I can relate,” he finally said, but it was quiet, and with that admission, the rest of the evening seemed to quiet around us, too. The birds softened their chirps, the breeze pulled back so as not to rustle the trees, and I glanced at Tyler, who was looking at me, too.

  I could blame it on the endorphins I’d just released with our run. I could blame it on the way the sun hit his face as it set behind the mountains. I could blame it on the night before, on the past few days since I’d arrived, on the off chance that maybe the whiskey from last night was still hanging around in my system.

  I could blame it on a lot of things, why I said what I said next, but none of it would matter.

  All that mattered was that I locked eyes with Tyler Wagner, and I asked him the question that had kept me awake for seven long years.

  “Why did you ignore me the day after my mom left?”

  All the color drained from Tyler’s face, and for the longest time, he just stared at me, unblinking. Then, he blew out a long breath, shaking his head and tearing his gaze from me. “Don’t do this, Jaz.”

  “I deserve to know.”

  He sighed, his eyes falling to his sneakers, and I felt a mixture of anger and betrayal bubbling up inside me like a volcano. Suddenly, I didn’t want to be out here, laughing and reminiscing with Tyler Wagner. Suddenly, I remembered all too well the way it felt to have his hands on me, and then to have him avoid me, and finally, to have him reject me.

  “Why?” I asked again, angling my body toward him. “Why did you avoid me, and then tell me that it was a mistake, that you didn’t mean to…” I couldn’t even finish the sentence, and emotion bubbled up even more. I had no control over any of it, and I hated when my eyes glossed over, though I refused to let a single tear fall. “And why did you do this? Why did you spend the day with me yesterday, and take me here today, and why are we suddenly talking after all these years? We’re all buddy-buddy, reminiscing, pretending like…” I huffed. “And last night…” I swallowed, my throat thick, tongue heavy. “Last night, you… you…”

  Held me? Touched my face the way you did all those years ago? Leaned in like you wanted to kiss me, like you wanted to breathe me in?

  Told me I was spectacular?

  Tyler stood before I could decide what to say, letting out a frustrated sigh. “We just called a truce. We’re finally talking after all these years. Why is that not enough for you?”

  I stood just as quickly. “Because I deserve to know. I deserve to know why you would bring me here, why you keep finding your way to wherever I am in that giant house where you could easily avoid me, why you—”

  “Because I miss you!”

  My mouth was still open, mid-argue, and it hung that way as Tyler turned on me with his chest heaving and a feral look in his eyes that I’d never seen in anyone before.

  “Okay?” he added, with his arms outstretched. “Because I miss you. Because I have missed you, ever since the day you left. Because it kills me to be around you and not touch you, laugh with you, to not be engulfed with everything that you are.”

  My heart tripled its pace in my chest, making me so lightheaded that I had to hold onto the branch of a nearby tree to keep from falling. But Tyler kept his gaze on me, hard and unapologetic.

  “And because I’ve spent the last seven years wishing I would have done something to save our friendship, and now that you’re here, now that you’re back?” He shook his head, sniffing and looking away from me before he found my eyes once more. “I can’t not try.”

  They were the last words he said before he tore his gaze away, running his hands through his hair on his way back to the car. He flung the driver side door open so wildly, I thought it’d fly off the hinges, and then he
slammed it and revved the engine to life.

  For a second, I thought he would leave me. I thought he’d peel out of the trailhead and down the road that led back to his house. But he just sat there in the car, his hands white-knuckling the steering wheel, eyes focused somewhere in the distance as he waited for me to get in.

  I wasn’t sure how long it took me to find a breath, to find the strength to let go of that tree that was steadying me and hobble my way on shaky legs over to the car. As soon as I was inside it, Tyler threw it into reverse, backing out of where he’d parked and throwing it into drive as soon as he was righted to fly down the hill toward the house.

  We didn’t say a word on the ride home.

  When we pulled into the drive, Tyler mumbled something about a shower to his family, and then texted his mom an hour later saying he didn’t feel well and he’d be skipping dinner.

  He stayed in his room the rest of the night.

  And I stayed in my head, replaying every word, every look, every confession.

  I still hadn’t made sense of a single one by the time sleep finally found me.

  Chapter Nine

  “RIGHT? I HAVE BEEN trying to explain this to her for years, Jacob. I mean, since the girl was fourteen.”

  “It’s honestly monstrous,” my charming, traitorous boyfriend said, agreeing with my best friend through the screen of my phone. Morgan had her arm looped through mine as I held the screen up so Jacob could see both of us where we had pulled to the side in the local flower shop.

  “No one else has had the guts to call her out on it.” Morgan grinned, pointing at the screen. “I like you even more.”

  “Oh, I’ll call her out all day,” Jacob said. “Getting her to listen to reason, on the other hand…”

  They both look pointedly at me then, and I rolled my eyes. “You do realize you’re both acting like I’ve committed some crime all my life, like this is a life-or-death situation.”

  “It is a crime to microwave your ice cream.” Morgan shuddered. “I mean, seriously, do you hear that statement? How much of an oxymoron that is? If you microwave it, it’s not ice cream anymore. It’s just cream.”

  She watched me pitifully, like I was a ten-year-old who she was trying to explain that the Easter Bunny wasn’t real to. And Jacob shook his head, like I was a lost cause, both of them exchanging a knowing look before their eyes were on me again.

  “I told you — both of you — I have sensitive teeth. Okay? I can’t just bite into an ice cream cone.”

  “But you microwave it.”

  “Only if I’m too impatient to let it melt a little on its own.”

  They both blinked, looking at each other again before Morgan let out a long sigh. “She’s hopeless.”

  I pulled my arm free from her, but she quickly apologized and cooed me while Jacob teased me through the phone, and I laughed because I loved them both just as much as they drove me nuts.

  And I could already tell that they’d get along just fine.

  “Alright,” Morgan said to Jacob. “We’ve got flower business to attend to. But, I can’t wait to finally meet you in just a little over a week!”

  “I can’t wait either. I’m excited to see where this lovely, insane creature who microwaves her ice cream grew up.”

  Jacob’s eyes lit up with the tease, and he winked at me, which made my cheeks heat and my heart do a little flip inside my chest. I’d never brought anyone home, not since I left seven years ago, and not just because I’d never considered coming back here period, but because I’d never been that serious with anyone.

  With that realization, my stomach dropped.

  What does that mean?

  That question was still swimming in my mind when we ended the call, along with all the thoughts that had kept me awake through the night.

  And none of those thoughts were about Jacob.

  My chest tightened as Tyler’s eyes flashed in my mind, the sun setting over the mountains as he said three words I had always longed to hear, even when I hated him, even when I hoped to never see him again.

  I miss you.

  Guilt struck me like a hot iron to the gut, piercing and sharp, and I shook my head, disappointed and disgusted with myself.

  Why had I even asked Tyler? Why had I brought up that day seven years ago after I’d spent so long trying to forget it?

  How would I feel if Jacob asked a girl he grew up with, a girl he used to love, the same thing?

  “I don’t want daisies,” Morgan said as we rounded a corner. “Too cliché, I think. And definitely not roses. I want something fresh and new, something unique to New Hampshire or New England, at least. What’s our state flower?”

  I almost didn’t hear her question, since I was still punishing myself in my mind. But I managed to reach for her words through the fog. “Um… lilac. Purple lilac.”

  She gasped. “Jasmine! The color of your bridesmaid dress is lilac!”

  “It’s meant to be,” I managed through a smile, pulling my arm from hers. “Why don’t you browse them, over there,” I said, pointing to where a collection of gorgeous lilacs were. “And maybe think of what could complement them. I’m going to run to the ladies’ room and I’ll be back.”

  She frowned, murmuring an okay, and I turned and fled before she had the chance to ask me what was wrong.

  In the small, dim-lit bathroom of the shop, I relieved myself and washed my hands, and then I splashed cold water on my face, staring at my reflection as the water dripped down my chin and into the sink. My slate eyes stared back at me, seemingly innocent, seemingly happy.

  Only I knew the torture they hid.

  At least, that’s what I thought, until Morgan gave me a knowing look when I returned. She looped her arm in mine again just like she had before, and we walked the aisles of flowers quietly. But I could feel her watching me, and I knew it was only a matter of time before she called me on my mood.

  “The florist suggested dogwood,” she said after a moment. “But, I don’t know that that fits me. I was thinking maybe some white peonies.”

  “That would be pretty.”

  “Maybe some trailing clematis, and some delicate greenery.”

  “Perfect.”

  “Maybe some honey, dripping from the stems.”

  I cocked a brow at her. “That would be sticky.”

  “Just making sure you’re listening.”

  “I’m here.”

  “Are you?” Morgan stopped, pulling me to face her in the corner of the shop. “You seem a little distant today, and honestly, you’ve seemed a little… tense, ever since your plane landed.”

  I swallowed, looking over a collection of magnolias without a response. I’d never told Morgan what happened between me and Tyler that day my mom left, and she’d always assumed I left because of my mother, that she was the reason I never came back to Bridgechester to visit.

  And I let her assume that, because telling her that I was in love with her brother wasn’t just a worse option — it was an impossible one.

  Morgan sighed. “I have to tell you something.”

  When I looked at her again, her eyes were wide, brows tugged together, and she was worrying her lip between her teeth like she was about to tell me someone died.

  I tilted my head, watching her warily. “Okay…”

  Morgan let out a long sigh, looking around like someone in the great big town of Bridgechester might overhear us. And when she looked at me again, it was with an apology already written all over her face. “I know what happened between you and Tyler.”

  All the color drained from my face.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t say something before now,” she rushed. “I just… he told me in confidence, and I knew you were hurt over your mom, and I didn’t want to bring up something that obviously meant nothing, and I figured you’d be embarrassed.”

  She kept going, but my mind was sticking on the words tumbling from her mouth at a hundred miles per hour.

  He told me.

/>   Meant nothing.

  Embarrassed.

  “… bring it up, you know? But then you guys just stopped talking, and you never came home, and I missed you and I missed us and I guess I just thought that you coming back home, that you guys could put everything behind you, and we could all be friends again, you know? Like the old days.” She smiled weakly. “The Wagner Kids — Plus One.”

  I think I smiled. I think I managed to clear my throat before I asked, “Tyler told you?”

  Morgan grimaced. “The next morning. You were still asleep in my bed, and we were both down in the kitchen, eating cereal. He was all quiet and broody and then he told me what happened.”

  I blinked. My head was whirling, and I needed to sit down, but there was nowhere to sit.

  “I was furious at him,” she continued, waving her hand in a gesture. “Obviously. I mean, you and James had just broken up. And then your mom, God,” she says, shivering. “I just knew you were in such a dark place. And then for him to do that, to… to sleep with you,” she whispers. “I was horrified.”

  “You told him you were mad?”

  “Duh!” She shook her head. “I told him he was an idiot and a jerk for taking advantage of you in a moment like that. I mean, sure, I knew he had a crush on you — he had since the day you two met.”

  The blood drained from my entire body, and I swayed, planting a hand on one of the wooden tables behind me to steady myself.

  “I was screaming at him. I told him you weren’t ready for anything, not after James, and after your mom. I mean, could he have worse timing? And then, you left,” she whispered those words, her bottom lip trembling when I looked at her again. “And you never came back, and I thought it was because of your mom, but then I slowly started realizing it, how you and Tyler never talked, how you never asked about him when I visited, how you never invited him to visit with me.” She rolled her lips together. “And then I figured, well, I was right. She wasn’t ready, she feels embarrassed and like she could never tell me, and never look Tyler in the eyes again, and my brother just ruined everything. Our amazing friendship, up in flames because he couldn’t keep it in his pants.”