My stomach tightened, because William had been the one I’d gone to with anything and everything that had been on my mind for five years.
And yet, I couldn’t talk to him about this.
“I’m okay,” I lied again. “Just hard to sleep on a plane. And I think I already miss Zipper.”
William chuckled. “I’m sure he misses you, too. But Willow’s got him, and you know she’ll take care of him. She loves that dog as much as we do.”
I gave a genuine smile at that, because I knew it was true. My best friend had moved to Savannah as soon as she finished college, and though I knew she was happy to be closer to me, I half wondered if she’d moved more for Zipper than for us. She was always bringing him treats and toys, offering to watch him whenever William and I had work events or wanted to go out for a night or get away for a weekend.
We were lucky to have her.
“Do you want to go get a nap in at the hotel before we go out?” William asked.
I shook my head. “That’ll just make the jet lag worse. I’ll be fine.”
William nodded, but his brows pulled together even more, revealing that crease between his eyes that I knew so well. He opened his mouth, like he wanted to ask more, but then he seemed to think better of it. After a moment, he smiled. “We’re in Italy, Bug.”
I returned his smile, but it felt dead on my lips. “Our first international trip.”
“And your first international art auction. Are you excited to see the pieces they’ll have for sale?”
I didn’t know how to answer that, since I wasn’t excited for a single thing in that moment. I should have been, and I realized that, but an unfamiliar anxiety had slipped over me that morning.
Because after five years together, I didn’t know if that man who held my hand would be my forever.
I’d never questioned it before — at least, not out loud. Not in a way that stopped all my other all-consuming, loving thoughts I had for him. He was my partner, my teammate, my best friend, my everything. Sure, we didn’t get to hang out as much as we used to — not with him working long nights at the restaurant, and me balancing my last semester of college with curating full time for the museum — but at the end of the day, we still crawled into that king-size bed together. I still rested my head on his chest and felt his arms wrap around me as a content sigh left his lips before we each drifted off.
I’d never questioned it, never saw us as being anywhere other than exactly where we should be.
But that morning, his sister had called to give us news that she was pregnant, and for some reason, that news hadn’t thrilled me.
It had depressed me.
Alayna and Officer Martino — now known as Philip to us — had been together about the same amount of time as William and I had been. Yes, they’d had more years together before they made things official, but their relationship had really started about the same time as mine and William’s had. And ever since then, they’d moved so fast.
They got a house together after Alayna finished her book tour with my mom.
They got married the following summer.
Now, they were pregnant with their first child.
And William and I were still in the same place — living in an apartment together with a dog, playing house, with no firm plans of moving forward.
I had William’s word that he was mine forever, and a symbol of that promise in the form of an eternity ring that dawned my ring finger on the hand he held in his now. He’d promised me he was mine forever, that one day, he’d replace that ring with one that would say I was his wife. And ever since that night, that had been enough for me — that promise ring.
But something about his sister’s news had triggered me, had made me ask if that was enough anymore.
And I think I knew the answer, even if I didn’t want to admit it.
It’d been three years since he gave me that ring. Five years of us being together. And though I knew he was mine, and I was his, and there was no reason to want or need a piece of paper that legally solidified that, I found that I wanted one.
Admitting it out loud had cemented it into my brain, and now I couldn’t let it go.
“I’m so excited,” I lied again, answering William’s question about the auction. “Just a little tired. I’ll perk up after some coffee.”
I hated that I didn’t feel like I could tell him the truth, but, deep down, I knew I was excited — somewhere under all my anxiety. This was my chance to curate a new line for the museum, to take photos in a new place and possibly put my own work on sale at the next local exhibit. And, though the restaurant had been hesitant to let William take so much time off, the love of my life was here with me.
Our first international trip.
Yet, all I could think about was whether or not it would be our last.
“We’ll get you some coffee. And then, we explore.” He squeezed my hand again, and I squeezed back as he turned his attention to the window I’d been staring out of before.
My eyes just fell to the ring again.
“This is going to be the best week,” William said, his smile that of a child’s as the wheels touched down.
I closed my eyes, trying to dig deep within myself for some shred of joy, for some thread of excitement for this amazing step in our relationship. I wanted to make it his best vacation, to fill each day with memories he’d hold onto forever.
But now, I questioned if his forever was still with me, or if somewhere along the way, while we were both busy chasing our dreams — he’d changed his mind.
My eyes fluttered open, vision blurring as I found the ring again. It had once brought me such joy, such comfort, but now, it felt more like a reminder of what had been promised and never delivered.
“Yeah,” I finally said on a sigh, swallowing down the anxiety I wished I’d never acknowledged at all. “The best.”
William squeezed my hand again.
• • •
I woke the next morning feeling like the smelliest piece of garbage.
I had been in the worst mood our entire first day in Rome, and where William was bright eyed and energetic and excited to explore, I just wanted to survive until the end of the day when I could crawl into bed and get some sleep. Now that I had, I felt even more anxiety than before, weighing down on my chest like an anvil.
We were in Rome, and I was being a miserable travel partner.
I knew William could sense that I was off, though blessedly, he didn’t mention anything. Instead, he brought me a protein-packed breakfast that he’d picked up from one of the little cafés downstairs. Then, he’d told me to get dressed for our workout.
It was still hard to believe that I was that girl as I pulled on my Lululemon leggings and paired them with a loose-fitting tank top. For so long, I was the girl who never worked out at all — let alone when on vacation. But William had inspired me that first summer, and once that drive had been instilled in me, it had never left.
I checked my reflection in the full-length mirror, a trickle of disbelief washing down my spine as I took in the slim figure. My legs and arms were toned, my stomach and hips still curvy, but healthy. Sometimes, I looked in the mirror and couldn’t even remember what I’d looked like before — before I met William. But other times, like today, I looked in the mirror and wondered if the reflection was warped somehow.
Surely that woman couldn’t be me.
And it wasn’t that I couldn’t believe it wasn’t my platinum hair pulled into a high pony tail, or my chocolate eyes underlined by deep shadows from lack of sleep, or my healthy body that I’d worked so hard on over the years. No, this morning, it was that I couldn’t believe I was that woman who was so caught up in her thoughts she couldn’t enjoy being in a foreign country with her boyfriend for the first time.
My stomach soured at the term boyfriend, but I didn’t have time to focus on it before William was standing behind me in the mirror.
He wrapped his arms around my waist, planting a
kiss on my neck with a groan. “I am the luckiest man in the world.” He spun me, pressing his lips to mine in a kiss that ended much too quickly for my taste. “Ready to sweat?”
I chuckled. “You know, we are on vacation. We could skip workouts for a week and be okay.”
“We could,” he agreed, his eyes trailing down my body. “But then I’d miss out on getting to see your ass in these pants. And that would be a travesty.”
He smacked my butt, making me laugh in his arms before I shoved him away. And in that moment, a true smile found my lips. I remembered the William who was so cold, hard, reserved — the one who had pushed me away before I’d even realized I’d wanted him to let me in. So much had changed that first summer we spent together, and even more over the years since. He smiled so much now, as if he didn’t have a single reason to frown.
I felt even more silly now.
“William, I’m sorry,” I said on a sigh, shaking my head as my hands folded over his chest. I stared at my fingers, at my ring. “I was such a Debbie Downer yesterday. I wish I had an excuse, but I’m just feeling anxious, and I’m sorry.”
William’s brows bent together, and he tucked the stray strands of hair from my pony tail behind my ear. “You never have to apologize to me for being human, Natalie.”
My shoulders fell even more then, face crumpling as I leaned forward and into his chest. He wrapped me in his arms, holding me tight, and I felt that protection like an invisible shield that nothing could penetrate.
“Is it about the auction?” he asked.
It was my chance to tell him the truth, to open up to him about what I’d been feeling, but now that I realized how silly I was being, I just wanted to let it all go.
“Yes,” I said, lifting my head from his chest so I could meet his eyes. “I’m just nervous about finding the right pieces for our exhibit, and being trusted with such a big responsibility.”
“They trust you because you’re the best, Bug,” he said, smirking as he tapped my nose with one finger. “You’re going to be amazing. I promise.”
And when his hand slipped down to mine, fingers wrapping around my wrist before his pointer finger pressed into that soft spot he’d claimed so many years ago, I sighed, heart expanding with the most powerful love I’d ever known. That love seemed to erase the anxiety I’d felt before, and I sank into the new feeling like it was a hot bubble bath.
“Let’s get this workout over with so we can eat all the gelato Rome has to offer.”
William laughed, squeezing where he held my wrist in his hand before he smacked my butt again and steered us toward the door. “Looks like we’re going to need to do a lot of squats.”
• • •
The next few days in Rome were everything I imagined they would be before Alayna’s news had sunk my dream boat.
We woke up early, getting our workouts in before hitting our first stop. Each day held new adventures — a tour of the Colosseum a sunset at Aventine Hill, a cooking class in Tuscany, which took an entire day and got us out of the hustle and bustle of the city. We held hands as we walked the Spanish Steps, stood silent next to each other as we took in the wonders of the Sistine Chapel, and rubbed our bellies after indulging on gelato after each and every meal.
I carried my camera with me everywhere we went, snapping photos of the gorgeous, historic buildings, and capturing the natives in their homeland — a mother tending to a toddler as she hung sheets on a clothing line, a waiter smiling at us as he offered us wine with our dinner, a stray dog making friends with a biking tourist on the outskirts of the shopping district. But it was the moments when the lens found Rhodes that I found the best photographs, though I knew I could never truly capture what he felt. His eyes were so wide, his smile ruling his entire face as he took in each new sight and experience.
It was absolutely perfect.
On the night before the auction, I sat across from William as we waited for our dinner. We were nestled in the corner table outside the restaurant, the warm summer air sweeping over us as the sun set across the city. His thumb smoothed over my wrist where our hands met in the middle of the table, and I watched him as he watched the people passing by, his smirk blooming into a smile from time to time.
“What’s going on inside that head of yours?” I asked, maneuvering our hands so that it was mine on top of his. I ran the pads of my fingertips over his wrist, circling each vein before I trailed his palm.
He smiled, keeping his eyes on a couple crossing the street. “I was just thinking of how beautiful this place is, how beautiful the world is. It’s crazy to me that I’ve lived my entire life within the same two states, never knowing that this existed.” He looked at me then, his eyes a shining emerald green. “It’s hard to believe sometimes. You know? To think of where I’ve been, the hell I’ve lived through, all the nights I went hungry, the days I worked doing something I detested just to make ends meet…”
He shook his head, and my heart broke at the memories flashing across his face.
“And then I met you,” he whispered. “And it was like everything I’d been through, it all led me to that moment, to that summer. Ever since you came into my life, it’s all changed for the better.”
I nearly wept as I reached over the table, placing my hand on his cheek. “I feel the same.”
William smiled, leaning into my touch before he turned and pressed his lips to my palm. Then, he wrapped both of my hands in his, bringing them back to the table as he leaned forward. “I’ve been thinking about something.”
“Oh?”
He nodded. “You know how Lorenzo told me to keep my eyes open for new recipe ideas while I was here?”
Lorenzo was William’s boss at the Italian restaurant he’d worked at for nearly three years now. He’d been offered a summer job there when he was still completing his culinary degree, working under a celebrity guest chef who fell in love with William’s cooking style. The restaurant had hired him on full time after the summer gig, and he’d steadily moved his way up in the years he’d been there.
I knew it was only a matter of time before William would move on from them completely, opening up his own restaurant. He was just too good not to.
I nodded. “I do. Have you found some inspiration?”
William’s grin split his face. “This place is crawling with it. But, I thought I’d go back with some new Italian dish, or a new take on a classic staple we already offer. But the more I’m here, the more I realize that what makes Italian food so special here is that it’s in Italy. Sure, I could take some ideas for dishes like the ones we’ve eaten here home with me, but it wouldn’t be the same in Savannah. Because Savannah is not Rome.”
I nodded, but my brows pulled inward. “Uh-huh…”
He chuckled. “I know, but bear with me. See, I think what we could use isn’t new Italian food, but rather, new Georgian Italian food.”
“Georgian Italian?” I scrunched my nose. “Okay, you lost me.”
William laughed again, and this time it bellowed out of him. I couldn’t help but smile, too — his energy was infectious. Whatever it was that I didn’t understand, it was inspiration enough to make him giddy.
And I loved it.
“Savannah is this renowned southern city,” he explained when the laughter subsided. “It’s known for its history, much like Rome is. And there are so many iconic foods that people look forward to when they visit — fried green tomatoes, grits, pecans, peaches, pralines.” He paused. “I was thinking… what if instead of focusing only on Italian food, we brought a southern flare to Italian classics?”
William watched me carefully for a reaction, and the more the idea sank in, the more my eyes widened. His excitement had bled into me, and I felt my heart quickening its pace under my ribcage.
“Think about it,” he continued. “Instead of a fettucine alfredo, we could do shrimp and grits in our famous alfredo sauce. Instead of just offering lasagna, we could layer fried green tomatoes with our delicious red sauce
and ground beef, smothering it in a combination of mozzarella and our take on southern macaroni and cheese.”
My mouth watered. “William…”
“I know it sounds crazy,” he said, interrupting me as he shook his head, my hands still in his.
“It sounds genius,” I corrected him.
His eyes snapped to mine, smile spreading so fast I thought it’d slide right off his face. “Really?”
“Um, yes, really! Are you kidding?” I shook my head, squeezing his hands. “You have to do this. If they don’t like the idea, then do it on your own.”
“On my own?”
“Yes. As in, open your own restaurant if they don’t want your brilliant ideas.”
William’s smile slipped, and his eyes searched mine as a reverent look shaded his face.
“What?” I asked.
“You believe in me,” he whispered. “Like… more than anyone in my entire life. You don’t just support me because I’m your boyfriend. You really believe in me.”
I smiled, leaning over the table to press my lips to his. “I’ve always believed in you,” I whispered. “Just like you believed in me that first summer we met. Now, it’s time for you to believe, too.”
William shook his head, watching me like he couldn’t believe I was his before he closed the distance between us and kissed me again. He held me there, his hands weaving into my hair, the kiss deepening until our waiter cleared his throat.
I blushed when I pulled back, the waiter depositing our meals and topping off our wine with a knowing grin before disappearing again. William just grinned wider, lifting his glass and tilting it toward me.
“To inspiration,” he said.
I lifted my own glass, clinking it to his. “And to believing.”
I kept my eyes on him as we each took a sip, and my heart sank a little as I realized what I’d cheersed to.
Believing.
If I was asking William to believe in himself, should I not ask myself to believe in us?
So what if we weren’t engaged. So what if we weren’t married or talking about kids or a big house on the hill. I was chasing my dream, and he was chasing his, and we were doing it — together.
The Pain in Loving You Page 83
