The Pain in Loving You

by Steiner, Kandi

  William reached for me, but I pulled back.

  “I thought I was okay with waiting, with never bringing this up. I thought that, with time, you’d circle back to the promises you made, that you’d ask me to be your wife. And I would wait forever,” I said, but the words were lost on a sob. “At least, I thought I would. But, the truth is that we don’t know how long forever will be, William. And I can’t bear to waste another moment not being yours. Truly yours.” My eyes found his, and with a trembling lip, I whispered, “Your wife.”

  The word felt foreign on my lips, and as soon as it had rolled free, panic gripped me.

  My eyes flicked back and forth between his as I ran over everything I’d just admitted, all the words I’d just let blurt out of me in a fit of anxiety. I’d sounded so needy, so unappreciative, so… so…

  “Please, say something,” I begged him, my own thoughts so jumbled I couldn’t even process them to figure out how I felt about all I’d just said. I needed him to say something, anything.

  I needed to know I wasn’t crazy, when that was exactly how I felt.

  William’s eyes were a bright emerald green in the reflection of the fountain, and they met mine with such a fierce, unapologetic confidence in that moment that I forgot what I’d said at all. What had I been waiting for, exactly? What had I asked him? What did I want him to say?

  After a long moment, the left corner of his mouth lifted — just a centimeter — and the hand not holding the flowers reached under the jacket of his suit.

  When he withdrew it, his massive fingers guarded a little blue box.

  I gasped, hands flying to cover my mouth as my eyes found his. He was still smirking, shaking his head almost imperceptibly.

  “You know, it’s crazy how easily life can get away from us,” he said, swallowing as his eyes drifted back to the box. “I’ve had this for… well, for way longer than I should have. And every time I planned on bringing it out, on revealing the ring inside it to you, on getting down on one knee and asking you to spend the rest of your life with me… I found an excuse not to.”

  His eyes found me again, then, the crease between his brow thick even in the night light.

  “You were too busy with school, or I was too busy with the restaurant, or you had a big project at the museum, or Zipper was sick, or the restaurant wasn’t nice enough, or there wasn’t a big enough event to take you to, or the words I wanted to say weren’t right…” His voice faded, and he dropped the flowers on the edge of the fountain, reaching up to scratch at his jaw. “I was never ready. At least, that’s what I convinced myself. But it wasn’t because I didn’t love you, Natalie.” His eyes searched mine. “It wasn’t because I didn’t know you were everything to me.” William swallowed, a sort of smile on his lips as he shrugged. “It was because I couldn’t fathom a world where I could be everything to you.”

  I gaped.

  “You were the light that brought warmth to my world when I thought I would forever exist in a cold, damp darkness. You were the first person to see me — the real me — when I tried to hide behind the scars life had dealt me. You pushed me to be better, and not just when we first met, but every single day since then. And every day with you has been a gift.”

  He blew out a shaky breath, standing only a moment before he was on one knee in front of me. My heart beat so loud in my ears I could barely hear the next words he said.

  “Not a single moment with you has been wasted, though I am sorry for being such a coward that it took me this long to ask you the question I’ve wanted to since that first summer we met. But, just because we didn’t follow everyone else’s timeline, just because we didn’t do what maybe other people thought we should, what we thought we should — it doesn’t mean our story isn’t beautiful. Because it is.” His eyes glossed, and I bit my lower lip to fight back another wave of tears. “It’s my favorite one, actually. Every crazy bump and turn, every day of joy and every dark moment of sorrow. I don’t know how long we have, or why I let the fear of you rejecting me hold me back for so long, but I do know that you’re right. After five years, I should know. And if you want the truth, I knew after five days.”

  The little box popped open with a snick, and my eyes glanced at the diamond ring within it only briefly before they were locked on the man I loved more than anything in the world again.

  “My heart beats only for you. My promise is still as true today as it was that night I asked you to wear that ring. And tonight, I’m asking you to replace it with this one, to hold my hand through my own fear as we take this next step in our journey. Together.” His free hand reached for mine, and as his fingers wrapped around my hand, and mine around his, our forefingers pressing into the soft middle of each other’s wrists — I felt his heart beat.

  And it still mirrored mine, even after all these years.

  “Marry me, Bug. Be mine now, and tomorrow, and every day until one of us leaves this Earth.” He paused, adding with a laugh, “And I hope that it’s me first, because I already know I won’t survive even one day on this planet without you.”

  A mix between a laugh and a sob bubbled out of me, and I threw my arms around his neck, nearly knocking him over as I leaned all my weight on him. He caught me easily, and through the distant applause from the other tourists around us, through the soft rushing of the fountain, through all the anxious thoughts that had haunted me that week — I only heard his heart.

  “God better take us together, if He knows what’s good for him.”

  William laughed, pulling back long enough to kiss me before his fingers found mine. He removed the promise ring he’d given me three years before, replacing it instantly with the new, heavier ring from the Tiffany blue box. It sparkled in the light from the fountain, and I wiggled my finger, biting my lower lip at the sight of it.

  “I was wrong, though,” I whispered, hooking my hands around his neck as we both stood. I pressed up on my toes, locking my lips to his and savoring the sweet, familiar pressure of his mouth on mine. “And you were right.”

  “About?”

  I shook my head. “Not a single moment with you has been wasted. And I’m sorry I said that. I’m sorry I didn’t just trust you… it’s just, my head was all foggy, and when Alayna told us she was pregnant…”

  “I know,” he said on a sigh. “I know. I felt the same way. And don’t ever apologize for feeling normal, human feelings. I’m here for you — always. Dark times and light, the easy and the not so much. Okay?”

  I nodded, pressing my forehead to his. “Okay.”

  Somewhere nearby, someone played a soft melody on an acoustic guitar, and William wrapped me in his arms, swaying me gently. With every moment that passed, my heart rate slowed, my breathing steadying until it was like we were on a cloud — just the two of us.

  “I hate making my girl cry,” he said, kissing my cheek. “Remind me to never do that again.”

  “Deal,” I said with a laugh. “But, don’t worry. I’ll pay you back.”

  “Oh, you will, huh?” he asked, pulling back with a lazy smile as he swept my hair out of my face.

  I nodded. “Mmm-hmm.”

  “How’s that?”

  “When I walk down the aisle to you on our wedding day.”

  William’s face sobered, and he stopped swaying, his eyes wide as they searched mine. “Fuck,” he finally whispered. “You really are going to make me cry.”

  I laughed, swaying us back into motion as I pressed my lips to his once more. And in a new country, surrounded by a dozen strangers, I danced with my fiancé in front of the most famous fountain in the world. I thought of the lovers who had come before us, the proposals that water had seen, the tears and the joy each one of those stone figures had witnessed as millions of people swept in and out of their view.

  I thought of the glittering coins, of the wishes they carried with them.

  And as I pulled William closer, I thanked that fountain for granting mine.

  About the Author

 
; Kandi Steiner is a bestselling author and whiskey connoisseur living in Tampa, FL. Best known for writing “emotional rollercoaster” stories, she loves bringing flawed characters to life and writing about real, raw romance — in all its forms. No two Kandi Steiner books are the same, and if you’re a lover of angsty, emotional, and inspirational reads, she’s your gal.

  An alumna of the University of Central Florida, Kandi graduated with a double major in Creative Writing and Advertising/PR with a minor in Women’s Studies. She started writing back in the 4th grade after reading the first Harry Potter installment. In 6th grade, she wrote and edited her own newspaper and distributed to her classmates. Eventually, the principal caught on and the newspaper was quickly halted, though Kandi tried fighting for her “freedom of press.” She took particular interest in writing romance after college, as she has always been a die hard hopeless romantic, and likes to highlight all the challenges of love as well as the triumphs.

  When Kandi isn’t writing, you can find her reading books of all kinds, talking with her extremely vocal cat, and spending time with her friends and family. She enjoys live music, traveling, hiking, anything heavy in carbs, beach days, movie marathons, craft beer and sweet wine — not necessarily in that order.

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