by Maris Black
“Bain, your teeth look like you just drank a cup of India ink.” I grimaced to show him my own teeth, since smiling with that taste in my mouth was out of the question.
“Oh, my God. That’s gross. Are you sure this stuff is safe to drink?” He directed the question at Leo.
“Positive.” Leo waved the others over, and they hurried to comply, Hadrian still filming us. “The others drank a cup before you got here. And no, this isn’t Jonestown Kool-Aid. I promise you’re going to love it.”
After we’d finished our drinks, Leo told us all to gather around a large stump near the fire. Hadrian set the camera on a tripod, pointed it toward us, and joined the circle. There was a strange electricity flowing around the circle, as if the other members were vibrating beneath their skin.
“The Coven welcomes these two new members,” Leo intoned, sounding like he really took this stuff seriously. “As a show of faith, we will all cut our palms and seal them together in a blood pact.” Leo cut a slice into his own palm and then Skyy’s, and then pressed them together. “The Coven always comes first,” he said, and Skyy repeated his words.
Then Leo walked around the circle, slicing the hand of each person in turn. Skyy pressed her hand to Raven’s, and Raven repeated the mantra. Then Raven pressed her hand to Neva’s, and Neva repeated the words. And so it went around the circle. Neva to Hadrian, Hadrian to Drake, Drake to me, and me to Bain.
Finally, Leo pressed his hand to Bain’s. “The circle is complete,” he said.
I thought it was all very formal and occultish, but I didn’t say so. Everyone else seemed to enjoy the ritual, and so I resigned myself to doing the same. It was all just harmless fun, anyway.
Sometime later, I found myself sitting on the ground by the fire and marveling at the way the smoke curled out of Skyy’s lips as she puffed on a clove cigarette. It seemed to go on forever, just curling and curling and curling toward the sky. At one point, I was convinced I was a character in an animated movie.
“How does she do that?” Bain asked.
I had forgotten he was beside me— hell, I had forgotten I was even at the initiation— and when I turned to look at him, I was shocked by the appearance of his face. It looked strangely ruddy and splotchy, like a heat map had been superimposed over his features. I looked down at my hands, and they had the same odd splotchy appearance.
“There’s something wrong with me,” I said. “Everything looks weird. Am I okay?”
“I don’t think so,” Bain said, his eyes wide. “Everything looks weird.” He shook his head as if to clear it. “Did you just say that, or did I?”
“I think I did. Or maybe we both said it. We’re twins. Have you noticed that we do everything together? Say everything together? That’s why people don’t get us, because we’re different. Am I making sense?”
“Bain shook his head again. “Not really. Or actually, yeah. Hey, why are your pupils so big? It looks like they could swallow me whole. Like a black hole in outer space. Whoa… Do you think black holes are really in our eyes? Maybe that’s what they mean when they say the eyes are the windows to the soul. Who said that? Was it Newton?”
I drew in a huge breath through my nose, feeling like there was powder in my respiratory tract. It was so damn dry I coughed. “Please, Bain. You’re asking so many questions that my mind can’t keep up. Usually I’m so in tune with you. We think everything together, you know?”
“But do you think our eyes are black holes?” he pressed. “And do you think we’re too close?”
“Of course we’re not too close. People just don’t understand us, that’s all. We were together from the moment of conception, Bain. We grew together in our mother’s belly. There’s no way we couldn’t be close.”
“Wow, that’s a freaky thought,” Bain said. “In our mother’s belly. Hanging onto each other in the dark. That’s kind of like being in a black hole, don’t you think?”
I laughed. “You’re obsessed with black holes.”
“No I’m not,” he argued. “I’m cold. Why doesn’t this shirt have sleeves?”
“Come here, baby.” I turned toward him. Then I took the Pride shirt off and draped it over his shoulders as he leaned against my chest and let me wrap my arms around him. I was freezing, too, but determined to use every bit of body heat I had left in me to warm him up. I rubbed up and down his arms, creating friction and hoping it would be enough.
After what felt like hours of sitting there shirtless and shivering and trying to warm my brother, I glanced up to find Leo watching us. The glow from the rising sun combined with the smoke from the dying fire framed his head like a halo.
“You’re the Angel of Darkness.” I told him, my voice sounding unfamiliar, as if it belonged to someone else.
“If you say so.” Leo laughed. “How are you feeling?”
Bain glanced up and stared at the sky beyond Leo’s head with a perplexed look on his face. “Why does it look like the sun is coming up?”
Leo chuckled. “Because it is. You guys have been sitting here for hours arguing with about physics and black holes. You should be winding down by now.”
“Why are you watching us?” I asked.
Leo shrugged. “Because I find you fascinating. Everyone else is already passed out inside the tents, but I stayed up to keep an eye on you two.”
I looked around, and suddenly I realized that what he’d said was true. Memories from the night came back in shards, and I had the strangest sense of déjà vu. Apparently I kept forgetting what was going on, only to remember a little while later. Now I remembered talking with everyone in the group at different times during the night— laughing, arguing, confiding. Oh my God, what had I confided? Had I said anything personal or embarrassing? I couldn’t pin down any clear memories. Just disjointed visions that seemed more like fragments of a dream.
“You drugged us,” I told Leo, accusation in my voice.
“Brilliant deduction. It was only a little mushroom tea, and it should be nearly worn off by now. If you need to lie down, there are tents over there. Girls in the red tent, boys in the blue. A bit cliché, but it’s easy to remember.”
“Are there blankets?” I asked. “Bain is really cold.”
“There are sleeping bags. We brought enough for everyone.”
“Did you drink the mushrooms?” Bain asked. “Do you feel like we do?”
“Someone had to keep an eye on things,” Leo said. “Besides, I don’t do drugs.”
“Neither do we,” I pointed out, feeling more than a little betrayed.
Leo smirked. “You do tonight. But don’t worry about it. You passed your initiation, so congratulations. You’re now officially part of our group.”
Bain and I shuffled off to the blue tent and stuffed ourselves inside one of the sleeping bags. With my body spooned snugly against his back, we managed to zip the thing up, which felt like a triumph at the time. When noon rolled around and everyone started stirring, I was mortified to be found that way.
“We had enough sleeping bags for each person to have their own,” Drake said with a tired grin. “You two didn’t have to squeeze in there like a couple of sardines.”
When Bain unzipped the bag and we rolled out, I looked down and discovered that I was bare chested. Bain’s pride shirt was wadded up on the floor of the tent.
“I didn’t see the other sleeping bag,” I said, fighting a blush. “All I knew is we were really cold. If you didn’t notice, we were drugged without our knowledge last night. I’ve never been that messed up in my life.”
Leo sat on his sleeping bag in the corner, smiling like the Cheshire cat. “Leave them alone, boys. The twins hung onto each other in the dark in their mother’s belly. Sharing a sleeping bag is nothing compared to that. Isn’t that right, Gavin?”
“That’s right,” I said hesitantly. And in that moment, I didn’t know whether I wanted to thank Leo or choke the life out of him.
CHAPTER 10
(BAIN)
TWO DAYS after the initiation, Leo caught up to us after film lab, falling into step beside me.
“So what do you think of Dr. Ray?” he asked.
Gavin peered around me at Leo and frowned. “He’s knowledgeable, but I really wish we had more instruction time. I feel like we’re getting shorted, like he’s not invested.”
Leo ignored him. “What do you think, Bain? Do you feel like you’re being cheated?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, kind of. He knows his shit, but he only lectures for like ten percent of the class period. I’d like to learn a little more.”
Leo chuckled. “Couldn’t have said it better myself. But you’ll realize near the end of the school year that you’ve picked up more from him than you thought. Dr. Ray is a man of few words, but what he does say is pure brilliance. I’d rather get ten minutes of instruction from a genius than ten years from some amateur.”
“Makes sense,” I agreed. “Still, imagine what we could be getting from him if he spent the whole time teaching.”
Gavin scoffed. “Maybe that’s the point. He only has ten minutes worth of material per class. The whole eccentric teacher thing could be nothing more than smoke and mirrors to disguise the fact that he actually doesn’t have that much pure brilliance to impart.”
I was caught in the middle of a pissing contest between Gavin and Leo, and that was an uncomfortable place to be, considering both of them had such strong personalities. Neither one of them liked to back down.
It was hard to figure out why Gavin felt such animosity toward Leo. Gavin was surly by nature, but it seemed like every word that came out of Leo’s mouth was a personal affront to him.
We walked the rest of the way to our floor in silence, waving or nodding at other students who passed by but not communicating with each other at all. Instead of taking the stairs up to his own room, Leo followed Gavin and me all the way down the hall to our room. Gavin unlocked the door and pushed inside, but I hovered just outside the door, sensing that Leo had something to say. I looked at him, waiting.
“So, Bain,” he began, seeming uncharacteristically nervous. “How about going to dinner with me tonight? Just the two of us.”
“Why?” I asked, only belatedly realizing what a stupid question that was.
Leo laughed and shook his head. “Can you really be so clueless? I like you, Bain. I thought that was obvious.”
“Do you mean like go on a…”
“Date,” he said, finishing my sentence. He glanced down the empty hallway then moved in closer, backing me flush against the wall beside the door. His lips came within centimeters of my ear. “I’ve been dying to kiss you. Did you know that?”
“No.” I swallowed. “I didn’t know you were gay.”
“Very,” he said low, his breath fanning against my ear. “And I’ve wanted to ask you out since the first day of school. Say yes, Bain. Tell me you’ll go out to dinner with me tonight. I’ll feed you well.”
The thought of a real date with a guy had me reeling. It felt wrong, but I needed to do it. Some of the thoughts I had been having lately— hell, for longer than I wanted to admit— needed to be put to rest. I needed a distraction, I needed a boyfriend, and I needed to get laid. Leo was the prime candidate for all three of those things.
“Ummm… okay. Sure.”
“I knew you wanted me.” He pulled back and smiled. “We’re going to have a really good time tonight. I promise.”
Gavin stepped out into the hallway, his eyes scanning over our bodies, and suddenly I was self-conscious about how close we were standing. Without thinking, I pushed Leo back and stepped toward Gavin, blushing furiously. “Hey, Gav. We were just talking.”
Leo pushed his hands into his pockets and met Gavin’s steely glare as he spoke to me. “I’ll pick you up at seven, Bain. Wear something nice.”
After he had gone, Gavin turned suspicious eyes on me. “Are you going somewhere?”
I slipped past him and went into the room, feeling him close on my heels. Shame washed over me, though I knew it didn’t make any sense to feel that way. I should be allowed to have a date with a guy without worrying what Gavin would think about it. He wasn’t my keeper, and he sure as hell wasn’t my boyfriend. So why did it feel like I was cheating?
“Leo is taking me out on a date,” I said. “A real date. He’s taking me to dinner.”
Gavin sat down hard on his bed and ran a hand through his hair. “Why, Bain? Why him? I thought you said there was nothing between you. You said I was imagining things.”
I sighed. “I have to go out with somebody, and he’s the only one who’s asked. Besides, he’s hot.”
“He’s an asshole.”
I shrugged. “Not to me.”
“He’s fake, Bain. He wants to use you.”
“Well, maybe I want someone to use me. I can’t be a virgin forever, can I?”
“Choose someone else,” he grated.
“There is no one else. Don’t you get that? He’s my only choice, and I’m going to take it. You need to get over your irrational hatred of Leo, because this is happening whether you like it or not. Did you think you could just abandon me and go to England, then come back and take over my life? It doesn’t work that way.”
“I just want to protect you.”
“No, you don’t. You want to rule me.”
“You don’t understand, Bain. It’s not like that. Not at all.” He jumped up from the bed and stalked over to me, his eyes pleading with mine. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” I breathed. “But remember what you said when you were leaving for England? When I begged you not to go? You said we were too dependent on each other. That we had to cut the cord.”
“I was wrong,” he said.
“No, you weren’t. You were right. It hurt me, and I didn’t want to accept it, but you forced me to. Now you’re going to have to accept it, too. We’re too close, Gavin. It’s not healthy. One day you’re going to fall for some girl, and then where will I be? I have to look out for myself.”
He just stared at me with a pained expression on his face, looking so beautiful and so desperate it took my breath away. He was hurting, and it took every bit of strength I had to walk away.
“I’m taking a shower,” I said, grabbing a Polo and a pair of khakis out of the closet and slinging a fresh towel over my shoulder. “Leo will be here soon, and I need to look nice.”
CHAPTER 11
(BAIN)
LEO WAS already in our room when I finished getting ready, and I came out of the bathroom just as Gavin came to a stop several feet in front of him. There was a palpable charge in the room as the two of them stared each other down like a couple of young lions.
Leo hadn’t dressed any differently than usual, but something about him was different. He was slightly more polished, as if he’d combed a crisper part in his hair and shaved with a fresh razor. He was handsome and put together, with his trademark cocky smile in place, yet next to my brother he was about as vibrant as a monochrome watercolor painting.
Gavin had never looked more arresting. Barefoot and disheveled, he exuded a kind of irreverence that only rock stars and spoiled kids of celebrities could get away with. His unruly hair hadn’t been washed since Friday morning, and the vague shadows under his eyes gave him an edgy vibe. He had changed into a bandage-thin shirt of white linen, which he hadn’t bothered to button, and a pair of designer jeans that were ripped to hell and back. They were undone, the zipper at half mast, and the fact that he wasn’t a big fan of underwear had never been more apparent.
It felt like all the blood drained from my face and settled in my pants. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. I rationalized that anyone would look, related or not, because who could ignore something that blatantly sexual?
Even Leo, who seemed to despise Gavin, drank in every detail of his appearance: the tanned skin, the perfect amount of black chest hair, the inky treasure trail that stretched all the way down to the dark nest of pubic hair playing peek
-a-boo in the open vee of his jeans. Leo’s throat worked visibly around a thick swallow before he brought his eyes back up to settle on my brother’s scowling face.
“What the fuck are you looking at?” Gavin demanded.
Never at a loss for a snappy insult, Leo said, “A delusional asshole who thinks he’s got something worth looking at.”
Alarmed at the unusually high level of animosity in their voices, I moved directly in front of Gavin, facing him and putting my back to Leo. I poked the tip of my index finger just inside his open fly, discreetly and only for a millisecond. “Maybe close the hatch and people won’t stare.”
Gavin grabbed my hand as I pulled it away, and he squeezed hard enough to hurt. “Stop it, Bain.”
I laughed and snatched my hand out of his grip, then twisted away and landed on my bed, bouncing a couple of times before settling down and grinning at both of them. My heart was doing a drum roll, and though I knew it was wrong of me to feel the way I was feeling, but watching Gavin and Leo fight over me gave me a perverse thrill. Adrenaline coursed through my veins, making me giddy. Of course Gavin was only being a protective brother, as he had said, but it gave me a rush anyway to see him so aggressive and territorial. It made me feel special and important and… turned on. I wished there was something else I could call it to make it sound better, or some psychobabble explanation that would absolve me of guilt. It was getting increasingly difficult to twist my inappropriate thoughts into something acceptable, and I was exhausted from trying. The truth, right or wrong, was that Gavin’s appearance had made my dick hard, and watching the two of them lock horns over me was making it even harder. I crossed my legs Indian style on the bed and rested my elbows on my thighs, so that my hands dangled casually in front of my crotch.
