by Jade Eby
"Oh my God, Carter. Get in here, now. What happened?"
He steps inside and it's like a dam breaks inside of him. He falls to the ground, sobbing. His whole body rocks and he takes giant gasps of air in between the sobs. I sit down beside him and rub his back, try to pull him into me. I've never seen him like this.
My boyfriend is broken and I don't know how to fix him.
"You're freezing, babe. You need to drink something hot."
"I'm… fine. I'm… okay," he stutters.
He's not fine. He's anything but fine right now.
I grab the mug from the counter and bring it to him. I hold it to his lips. His shaking hands curl around the hot mug, and he flinches.
"Drink it. You'll get warm quicker."
He sips on the liquid, his breaths steadying.
"Let's get off the floor," I whisper to him.
He nods and I pull him up. Help him to the couch as he limps. Did he get in an accident? Is that why he couldn't drive?
I want to ask him all the questions bubbling inside of me, but everything takes time with him. He'll tell me when he's ready.
Wrapping a blanket around him, I ask him if he needs anything else.
He shakes his head. "Just you," he adds.
"I'm right here. I'm not leaving."
We sit there, side by side for what feels like hours before he calms down.
"I'm sorry for waking you up," he says, his voice cracking.
"Don't be. What happened, Carter?"
He doesn't say anything. He won't even look at me.
"Please, babe. Tell me what's going on. You're scaring me."
He stands up and pulls up his shirt. His entire torso is black and blue. Ugly, angry purpling bruises on every inch of skin.
I hold a hand to my mouth. "Jesus."
I'm at a loss as to what could have happened to my boyfriend. Which fight he could have possibly gotten involved with that would lead to these injuries. He doesn't do this sort of thing… I do. He texted me good night three hours ago like nothing happened. He was fine three hours ago.
It clicks right as he shakes his head and says, "It was my fault. I pissed him off. Called him a fucking asshole. He was wasted and I should've known."
I think I know who he's talking about but I want to make him say it. I have to hear it from his lips. "Who, Carter?"
"My father."
I want to believe I'm wrong, that he's lying and no father would do this. But it all makes sense. Everything comes into focus. Why he is the way he is.
"Your dad did this to you tonight or… all the time?"
He doesn't answer me but it all starts again. The sobs. They come as quickly as they did when he walked in. I stand up and he walks into my arms. I hold him like I've never held onto anything in my entire life.
I have no words to say to him. I'm too stunned to do anything but wish I could take away his pain. I want him to give it all to me, so he never has to feel this way again.
He tightens his hug, squeezes me so hard, I can hardly breathe. But I don't care. I'll stop breathing for him if it means he'll feel better.
When he loosens his grip, I kiss him. I put so much meaning into that kiss, I know there's no way he doesn't feel it. I can't tell him how sorry I am, so I will show him.
I clutch his hand, lead him to the bathroom. "Sit down," I say.
He sits on the toilet. I run a washcloth under warm water and start wiping the blood from his cheeks, his nose. I try to put it on his eye but he recoils. "Sorry," I mumble.
I hold the warm cloth to his cheeks until the color comes back into them.
"You're staying here tonight," I say.
He nods.
I start the shower and tell him to get in. He strips down to nothing, the discoloration of his bruises contrasted against his pale skin. When he turns to get in, I see jagged, puffy scars lining his back. I bite back a gasp. Closing the door, something snaps inside of me. I want to go to his house, drive a knife into his father's heart. Where was his mother when this happened? His brothers? Didn't they give a shit about him? Who would stand by and let this happen?
In the kitchen, I take the empty mug Carter was drinking from, throw it against the wall and scream. He comes rushing out of the bathroom.
"Are you okay?" he asks.
"Just dropped the mug," I say. "Get into bed, you need to sleep. I'll be there in a minute."
If he knows I'm lying, he doesn't acknowledge it. He walks back to my bedroom without a word.
Cleaning up the shards of ceramic, I let myself break down. I will be strong for him because that's what he needs. But right this minute, I need to let everything go. I cover my face in my hands to muffle the sound. My chest feels like there's a thousand pound elephant sitting on it. I want to make his father feel every bit of the pain he's inflicted on his son. I want to fuck shit up. I want to cry until I can't cry anymore. It's not fair. It's not right.
This couldn't have been a one-time thing. This has been happening his entire fucking life. How many times has Lawrence curled his fists and used them against Carter? I should have known the night his father punched him by the Jeep. Jesus, how selfish have I been not to have seen what's going on?
There's nothing I can do right now except comfort Carter. I know that, and yet it doesn't stop my brain from coming up with awful, terrible things I want to do to his father.
I wipe my eyes, pick up the pieces of the shattered mug. Carter needs me right now. Of all the people he could have called, it was me.
Of course it was… because he loves me. He knows I'll never hurt him.
His breath is heavy and when I curl up next to him in bed, he's already sleeping. I kiss his cheek and wrap myself up in his limbs.
He stirs.
"I'll take away your pain," I whisper into his skin.
He doesn't answer back, but he doesn't need to. I know he knows.
March - 2000
Eric Matthews is an asshole. I didn't want to go to his party, but Carter has been on a "lets play nice" trip lately. I don't know what's gotten into him. It's like he suddenly cares what everyone thinks of him. The jerks and bitches I've managed to keep him away from.
The party is as lame as I expected it to be. Even when Courtney pulls me away from our boyfriends, I want nothing more than to run out of here and go home. I don't belong here. I know it. They know it. Carter knows it.
Courtney grabs a red cup of beer and hands me one. I gulp it down. The only way I'm getting through tonight is by being drunk. Carter will just have to deal with it.
"Damn. Downing that drink like a dude. I bet Carter finds that super attractive," Bridget Monahan says. I'd know that high-pitched voice from anywhere.
I turn and Grayson wasn't lying when he said her dress was of slut-material. I don't know how her vagina isn't hanging out at this point. It's that short.
"Well, Bridget, obviously he doesn't find anything about you attractive. See, Carter prefers his women leave a little more to the imagination. You might as well just give away at this point, right?"
She crushes her red cup in her hand. I struck a nerve. Fantastic. She slides closer to me, stumbling just a bit. She's drunk. I'm not… yet. This will be a piece of cake.
"You're a white trash whore. When he's done with your piece of garbage ass, he'll start looking for someone with a little more… class."
That's all it takes to make me snap. I go straight for the hair. I wrap my fingers around her long, beautiful blond curls and pull straight down. She goes down quickly. She wasn't expecting the girl from the wrong side of the tracks to be so strong.
"Get off me you psycho bitch!"
I pin her to the ground, get on top of her. Land a blow to her face. "Shut the fuck up Barbie. Isn't this what you wanted when you started talking shit? Didn't think I could fuck you up, did you?"
My hands are no longer connected to my brain. They have a mind of their own. The crowd around me blurs and all I know is that my fingers scratch skin, my knuckles hit flesh. It
feels good. So good to kick her ass for making me feel like a worthless piece of shit.
Arms grab me from behind. Pulling me away.
"Let me go!" I say.
Carter drags me outside and sets me on the ground. He stares at me, with that look on his face. The one that tells me I'm in trouble.
"What the hell were you thinking, Tawny?" he asks.
Warm liquid spreads beneath my nose and I wipe it way, red staining my fingers. So she got a few jabs in. Good for her. I reach my hand up for Carter to pull me up but he refuses. I shrug and stand up on my own.
"Do you like kissing the bottom of a garbage can? Bitch was mouthing off and said I was a white trash whore and when you're done kissing the bottom of the garbage can, you'll come crawling back to her."
"Well, dammit, you can't go around knocking people out every time they say something that pisses you off."
Oh, the irony. Adrenaline courses through my veins. I know I'm playing with fire but his words are such shit.
"Really? You mean I shouldn't act like your father?"
It only takes him a second to charge forward, grab me by my shirt. He knocks me backward, hard. I fall on my ass, the thump barely registering as much as the look on his face. The pure, unfiltered fury that he displays. He shakes with it.
Grayson comes out then and yells at him. Carter fucking loses it. Punches him right out. He's losing control and it should scare me. But I know where he gets it. I understand how riled up he can get. It's not his fault. It's mine.
Grayson comes to and the best course of action is to pretend none of this happened. Just take Carter and go. Get him away from the situation.
"Ready to go?" I ask.
He looks at me like I'm crazy. Like I should be yelling at him. Not tonight. This one was on me.
Come to think of it - most of our fights start and end with me.
We're water and oil, constantly brushing up against the line that tells us we shouldn't mix.
* * *
Curled up in Carter's arms in the Dividing Line puts the whole night's events in perspective. It's been like a row of dominoes, one slip and everything falls down.
"I would've been fine you know. I can hold my own."
Carter signs. "It wasn't about that. I know you could kick her ass. But it was just a dumb bitchy fight, Tawny. It shouldn't have even set you off."
I raise an eyebrow. "Do you really want to go there, tonight? Talk about things that set people off? Are you the pot or the kettle?"
"You're right. I was a fucking dumbass. And I'm sorry. I said sorry like a hundred times. Don't you believe me?"
Looking at him now, his lips molded into perfectly kissable things. His eyes earnest to be believed.
"Of course I do. I love you."
He picks up my hand and turns it over and over in his. Looks down at the grass.
"What's the matter?" I ask.
He mumbles something I can't really decipher.
"Carter? Are you okay?"
He sits up and pulls me to my knees. "I'm more than okay. Tawny, I didn't think I could ever feel this way about someone. You know I love you, so I don't need to say it over and over again. But it's just…"
Oh fuck. He's really doing it. He's going to rip my heart out of my chest. Tell me he can't be with me anymore.
"Wait, you're not breaking up with me are you?"
"No! Will you shut up for a minute?" He says, laughing. "You're the first person who has ever known about my family… and my father. I'm not the person you should be with. I don't deserve you. But I love the way you only blush when I tell you how badass you are. It doesn't faze you, what other people think of you, and you're the strongest girl—actually, the strongest person I've ever met. And me? You made me earn every bit of you."
I want to interrupt him right there. Tell him that he's wrong. I don't deserve him. That even with his moods, he's a thousand times better than any person I've ever known. That no matter what I say or do, he's there for me. I'd tell him that I locked my heart behind closed doors for so long, that I never thought it would ever come loose. But he did the impossible. He not only smashed down the walls surrounding it. He stole the fragmented pieces of me and stitched them back together.
I don't say any of it because he tells me to close my eyes.
"I hate surprises, you know that," I say, but close them anyway.
"Okay, open them," he says a few seconds later.
He's on one knee. A box open in front of me. My vision blurs and it takes me a second to refocus and see that he's holding out a diamond ring. A petite princess cut diamond surrounded by white gold. I'm dizzy, losing breath and yet, it's as if every molecule inside of me wants to explode with happiness.
"Tawny Owens, I want to take care of you and make all the bad things in your life disappear. I promise we'll never end up like our parents. We'll be so much better than them. Will you marry me?"
I never thought I'd be that kind of girl. The one that cries when she's proposed to. But Carter changed everything I thought I knew about myself.
"Yes! Yes. Yes. Fucking yes times a million. Oh my God," I say.
He slides the ring on my finger and it lands exactly where it should. It glimmers in the setting sun and I don't think there's ever been a moment more perfect than this one.
Then he kisses me, with everything he has in him. He kisses me like I'm the most important thing he's ever had a hold on.
I lied. This is the most perfect moment I'll ever know.
May - 2000
Being engaged at eighteen doesn't sit well with most people. At school, the rumors are already circulating that Carter has knocked me up and getting married is the responsible thing to do. They can't comprehend what Carter and I have. That our kind of love doesn't come without a price.
One we've both paid heavily with our families.
But the important thing is that we're together and we're going to be our own family.
"Let me see it again," Courtney says beside me at the lunch table.
I stick out my left hand. The diamond reflects off the fluorescent lights and makes it appear even shinier than when I looked at it in my bedroom this morning.
"That is so gorgeous, Tawny. Grayson said I'd be lucky if he stuck around long enough to propose," Courtney says, raising her voice loudly.
Grayson looks over and shrugs.
"Seriously, I can't wait until I can pick out a wedding dress. I already have the perfect one dog-eared."
I'm sure Grayson loves that.
"Do you have a date set?" she asks.
I shake my head. "No. We're not in any rush. I think we're gonna see where things go after we graduate and decide then."
It sounds so reasonable. Grown up. It's weird, even for me, to think that something like getting married is actually happening to me.
"That's smart," Courtney says. "But I'm invited right? I'm totally going to be in it."
I smile, even though I already know exactly what my wedding will be like. Small. Maybe even just Carter and I. But I don't want to spoil the mood.
"Of course," I say.
Bridget sits on the far end of the table, eyeing me with envy and pure hatred. She probably thought Carter would dump my ass after the party. Leave me to rot in my trashy neighborhood. She didn't know that he'd been planning on proposing.
The minute she saw the ring, she opened her big mouth and the entire school knew I was engaged. Including teachers. Who apparently think it's their business. Which is why I have a meeting with Mrs. Rudish, the guidance counselor after lunch. I'm really looking forward to that.
Two arms slide around me and Carter sits down.
"How was it?" I ask.
He shrugs. "Oh, you know. She wanted to know if I was ready and all that shit. Kept talking about commitment and having my whole life ahead of me."
I roll my eyes. "Great. Sounds like it will be a good time for me then."
He kisses me on the cheek. "Don't worry, I told her my whole life is
you."
Sometimes when he says things like that, a part of my old self - the one who thinks love and relationships are a lie - bristles. But then, I know how real his love is. That no matter how hard I try to play things off, what we have is special.
"Will you two go get a room or something?" Grayson shouts from across the table. It sends Courtney and all of the other girls beside Bridget into giggles.
I lean into Carter and know that in a few months, we won't have to deal with school, or teachers or anyone telling us what we should be doing. We'll make our own rules. Breaking them when we see fit.
* * *
Mrs. Rudish and I are not strangers. She's seen me in her office a few times over the last three years. Mostly for the few unexplained "sick" days I had to take to make sure my mother wasn't dying of an overdose. I'm pretty sure she didn't buy my stories. Carter even called in one time pretending to be my dad. I don't think she bought that either.
She's a nice enough lady. Pretty for her age. Though I don't know why she'd want to sit around listening to high school kids bitch about grades and shit.
I sit down across the table and she opens my "file."
"Thanks for coming to see me, Tawny," she says, smiling.
Uh… I didn't really have a choice did I? I got the summons, it wasn't like I wanted to see her.
"Sure."
"I wanted to talk to you about a few things. I like to catch up with all the graduating seniors, see how they're doing, if they need any help with college applications."
I smile back at her. "Nope. I'm good."
She closes my file and puts her hands on top of the desk, her lips in a thin line. "That's great. I couldn't help but notice your ring. It's very lovely."
Couldn't help but notice? More like couldn't help but overhear the rumors and gossip that runs rampant at South Water.
"Thank you."
There's an awkward silence between us and I squirm in my seat a bit.
She sighs. "I'm sorry to be so intrusive but I feel like I need to ask. Are you ready for this?"
"For what?"
