by Jade Eby
"You're late."
I sigh. "I know. The diner didn't let up even after you left."
A flicker of darkness pops in his eyes. "Or you were too busy flirting with that douchebag to realize what time it was."
Rolling my eyes, I step inside and shut the door behind me. "You're being ridiculous," I say, pulling out the tips from my pocket. Crumpled bills and change fill my palms. "Just look at these tips. I never make this much on a normal night."
"I don't give a shit how much money you made. I want to know why you were giving that guy all your attention."
"Jesus, Carter. I wasn't flirting with him. I don't know why you're going all crazy about this. I've never once given you reason to distrust me. What is up with you lately?"
His hand rears back and his palm makes contact with my cheek.
I expect it to hurt. To sting. But it doesn't. I barely even register it anymore.
"Are you done?" I say.
"Don't fucking talk to me like that. If you'd shut your mouth for once, maybe you wouldn't get it slapped."
I open my mouth to retaliate, but it's not worth it. He's just going through one of his phases. It's like he has PMS for men. "I'm going to bed," I say.
He steps in front of me. "No you're not."
"Yes, I am. I'm not going to fight about this. I didn't do anything wrong."
He looks at me, takes in my too-tight t-shirt and jeans. My typical diner uniform. "Even if you didn't, you will. I know it. If it's not that blond dude, it will be someone else. I don't want you working there anymore. You're gonna put your resignation in tomorrow."
I stand there bewildered. My feet rooted in place.
"That's bullshit, Carter. I… we… need the money. I'm not quitting."
He grips my arm hard, his thumb digging into my flesh. "I'm sure we'll be just fine without your measly diner pay. It's not like you bring in much anyway."
Tears spring from my eyes. He can't make me do this. I won't. "But it's still my contribution. I want to work and have my own money. You're not taking that away from me."
My arm throbs beneath his grip. He drops it. Walks to the couch and plops onto the cushion.
"Do you like to hurt me? Because you're different since you've been working there. You've changed. I know that some other guy is going to sweep you off your feet and take you away from me." His voice cracks when he says it. When his eyes meet mine, they're red-rimmed. This isn't a rouse. He really believes it.
I walk over to him and drop to my knees between his. "Babe. That's not gonna happen. You know I love you. We're getting married in a few months, how could you think I would want anyone else?"
He shakes his head and runs his hands through his hair. "Seeing you laugh at that guy… I don't do that for you anymore. I could see the way he looked at you. He wanted you, Tawny."
I let my hand rest on his thigh. "You make me laugh plenty. You're just going through a hard time right now. And I don't think I'm Austin's type. Even if I was, I don't want him. Isn't that enough for you? Don't you trust me?"
He looks into my eyes and I can tell that he's struggling with something. Some demon that sits at the edge of his brain, waiting to come out. "I trust you. I don't trust them. Men. I know how they are."
I rest my forehead on his knee. I don't know how to compromise here.
"Carter…"
"I love you, Tawny."
I look up and a single tear rolls from his left eye. Shit. His fucking tears get me every time. I can't stand to see them. His vulnerability is a weapon he doesn't even know he has.
"I know," I say, sighing. "I'll talk to Victor tomorrow and tell him I can't stay."
"Thought you said you wouldn't give it up."
I give him a half-smile. "I'd give up everything for you. And you know it, too, dammit."
He pulls me up so I'm on his lap. He pushes back loose strands of my hair behind my ears. Traces my jaw line with his thumb.
I lean in and when his lips find mine, it's like coming home. Everything about his lips, his mouth, the way his hand circles the small of my back, brings me back to him. I let everything that happened fall away. These moments are the ones I live for.
Kissing Carter is like trying to figure out the world. He's all the questions I want to answer. He's pain and anger wrapped into a man trying to hide it. He's broken and I'm fixing him.
He's strong when I'm weak.
I wasn't lying when I said I would give up anything for him. I'll always give myself to him, no matter how much of me he takes and takes without ever giving it back.
October - 2002
In an hour, I'll read vows, recite an oath and be a wife. I'll be Tawny Brooks instead of Tawny Owens.
I never dreamt of white wedding gowns and a packed church hall. I wasn't the type of girl to plan out a grand day full of color-coordinated decorations or particular songs to dance to. Hell, I never thought I would get married. But now that the day is here, and I'm about to step into my dress, walk down the aisle toward Carter, I'm burning up with a thousand things I want to scream aloud.
I love him. He scares me. He's my everything. He hurts me.
I stare in the full length mirror in my apartment. The girl staring back at me is someone I hardly recognize. Sure, I'm as skinny as I've always been. The tattooed words on my back haven't changed and my shoulder blades still stick out as awkwardly as they always have.
But I'm different. I've been broken and put back together again. I've been to the lowest point of desperation and brought back to life with Carter's love. I've been torn apart by his decisions and actions, but I've never been as happy as I am when I'm with him.
I've been waiting for this day - this moment - for what seems like an eternity. Four years and I'll finally be Carter's wife. I'm happy. Of course, I'm happy.
But there's a part of me - something deep and dark and scary - that is sad and frightened and disappointed.
Here I am, on my wedding day and I have no father to walk me down the aisle. I have no mother to stand beside me and whisper words of advice. No one to zip up my dress or comb back my hair or wipe the tears from my cheeks.
I have Carter and that's it.
A small sob escapes from my lips and I collapse onto the bed, tears streaming down my cheeks. Am I doing the right thing?
I know that I am. I know that if there's one person in this entire world who believes I deserve it all - it's Carter. If there's one person that took the time to see past the horror that was my parents - it was Carter.
He's everything to me and today, I will marry him.
So why are the tears still coming?
"You doing okay?" Courtney's voice slices through my sobs. Her hair's pinned back and her dress accentuates her blossoming stomach.
I look up at her and her expression is one of pity. Sadness. Uncertainty. She comes over to bed and lays a hand on my shoulder. "It's just cold feet. I would've had them too if Bozo and I actually had a wedding. You're gonna be fine."
I pull myself up straight, and wipe away the tears. "You're right. It's fine. I'm good."
She smiles. "I know. You're always good, Tawny." She points to my dress. "But you better get yourself cleaned up and into that, otherwise you'll be late to your own wedding."
For the briefest of moments, I think that maybe Courtney is the closest thing I have to a friend. A sister. A person that knows me slightly better than a stranger. She may not be the person I'd run to for advice. She's definitely not someone I'd talk to about Carter.
But she's here when no one else is.
And that's something, isn't it?
* * *
The music starts to play and I open the doors to the judge's chambers. My eyes fall to Carter and his expressions change from surprise to awe to disbelief. Like he can't believe I'm finally his. As I walk toward him, electricity shoots through me. It magnifies my heartbeat and suddenly that's all I hear.
Boom. Boom. Boom.
It's beating so fast and so hard, I'm scare
d I'm not going to hear the judge. But when I get to the front of the room and take Carter's hand, it melts away. The single tear he wipes away quickly burns into my memory and I smile at him.
The judge rambles on, reading some bullshit about commitment and love and marriage but all I can see is Carter. And those eyes.
Those eyes that stare at me with longing. Love. Desperation.
He's mine and I'm his.
The judge asks us to repeat after him.
I stumble and stutter on the words but I get them out. I don't even remember what I say as I focus on my fingers intertwined with Carter's. His eyes holding mine steady. The rush of blood that pounds in my ears.
Then he says the words. The one's I actually feel deep down into my soul.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Carter pulls me to him, his arms wrapping around me. He bends me over and kisses my lips like it's the last time. He pours every ounce of himself into it. It's passionate, hot and it's everything I expect from a husband-wife first kiss.
I kiss him back with as much fervor and love as I can and I know he feels it too. The unmistakable vow we've taken to be each other's forever.
Everything that's happened in our past seems like ancient history. The girl Carter once knew is long gone. Replaced by a stronger, better version of myself. And the timid, curious boy that stumbled through the Dividing Line is now my husband.
I couldn't have imagined a more perfect day, until it's ruined by Carter's father on the courthouse steps, in front of everyone.
"How can you get married without your goddamn family?" he yells at Carter and then turns to me. "And you! How could you let him just forget about us?"
I try to hold a smile. I really, do. But he messes everything up. Carter starts to move but I grab his arm and beg him not to do anything. To just let him go. Hasn't he ruined enough?
But Carter goes anyway. He's doing exactly what his father wants him to do - give in. Pay attention. Give him the importance he thinks he deserves. I wish I could make Carter see that his father is nothing but a monster. An insidious, terrible man with nothing but evil in his heart. That man doesn't deserve to even be called a father. Husband. Man.
I don't even realize I'm crying until a wet, black tear hits the side of my hand I have curled up in front of me.
Carter yells at his father, his hands wrapped around his neck. He really could kill him and I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't feel sorry for him. But then Carter would be taken away from me. Gone before we even had a chance at this marriage thing.
"Carter, stop!"
He spins around, his eyes wild and hungry. Carter's arms fall away from his father's throat and he lets him go. I want to believe he does it for me. That he's giving up the fight to respect my wishes, but I don't think that's the case. I think he recognizes himself. He sees something the rest of us don't and it scares him.
And that scares me.
My perfect, beautiful day is ruined and I can't stand falling apart in public.
Carter reaches for me. "I'm so sorry—"
"This was supposed to be our perfect day!" I yell and leave him standing on the courthouse steps.
I run past the courthouse, the gas station at the end of the street and walk right into the cemetery at the end of the road. In my flowing white dress, I could almost pass off as a ghost. A woman haunting the tombs and graves of people she may have once loved.
Sitting on a marble bench seat, the wind whips around me. It picks up speed and I think for the first time in my life: maybe I will get blown away. Maybe I will die before I have to know what the rest of my life will turn out like.
December - 2002
I take gingerbread cookies out of the oven, set them on the parchment paper and pour two mugs of hot cocoa. Carter comes up behind me, slides his arms around me.
"Those look good," he says.
I pick one up and hand it to him. "Try it and tell me."
He swats my hand away playfully, "Not yet. Everything has to be perfect."
"It's snowing out, the tree is up and blinking obnoxiously, and we have cookies and hot cocoa - what more do we need?"
Kissing me quickly, he takes the cookies and mugs from my hands. Sets them on the table. "Presents."
I shake my finger at him "Oh no, you didn't. I told you not to get me anything this year."
"When do I listen to you?"
"Never," I say.
"Exactly. It's our first Christmas as a married couple. I had to."
I pout. "But we said we weren't going to exchange this year."
"Well, I lied," he says, walking into the other room.
Bet he doesn't know I lied too. And my present is good. So good, I'm almost nervous to give it to him. I got lucky, that's all. Finding it second hand.
He comes back and hands me a small box wrapped in silver metallic paper.
"The wrapping is too pretty. Maybe I'll just leave it until next Christmas," I say, picking up the cookies and hot cocoa and sitting on the couch.
He pulls me into him. "Don't you dare. I want you to open it."
I kiss him again, this time longer, more deeply. "Cookies and Cocoa first. Presents second."
We turn off all the lights and watch the snow fall down like a thousand sparkling diamonds converging into one. The blues, reds and greens dance across the glass window to the rhythm of the light setting.
I couldn't have pictured a better first Christmas with my husband. This moment. This picture-esque, perfect moment is the only thing I've ever wanted. Normality. Stability.
Carter has given me everything I always wanted and more and I feel like there are not enough presents in the world to tell him how thankful I am.
I sip the last of my hot cocoa and Carter sets the shiny box in my lap. "Open. Now."
"Jeez. Okay," I say, ripping one corner off.
I take the wrapping paper off slow just to irritate him and he rolls his eyes. When the paper is gone - I have a black velvet box left in my hands.
It's lightweight and creaks when I open the lid.
I clasp a hand to my mouth. "Carter!"
Inside sits a silver heart pendent necklace with a sapphire and emerald in the middle.
"This is gorgeous. But… how? I mean we can't afford—"
He puts his finger to my lips. "Shh. Don't worry about it. I got it done and that's all that matters. A beautiful gift for my beautiful wife."
I wrap my arms around him and kiss him over and over again. God we are a fucking cliche.
"Let me put it on you," he says, taking it out of the box.
He slips it around my neck. I finger the smooth silver and the rough edges of the jewels. "It's perfect, Carter. Really."
He beams.
"Eh. I didn't do too bad this year, I guess."
"Considering you weren't supposed to get me anything, I say you did damn well," I say, standing up. "Speaking of… I'll be right back."
I run to the linen closet and underneath all of the sheets and towels, I find the wrapped present. Bring it out to him.
"Seriously?"
"You know how well I listen, too," I joke.
He rips into the paper, opens the box and stares up.
"You have to be shitting me," he says.
I laugh. "I shit you not."
He pulls out a shiny black .45. He's been dying for one since we moved into this neighborhood. Since the break-ins and carjacking keep us on our toes, he says he wants to be prepared. And now we will be.
"Tawny, you have to take this back. This must have cost a fortune. Money we don't have."
I sit beside him on the couch. "Not really. I've been scouring the gun shops for months. This was a really good deal, trust me, babe."
He kisses my forehead. "I love it. I just…"
"What? You're worried I spent too much money?"
"That and I… well, I'm not sure how I like you being around guns."
I chuckle. "You don't have to worry about me. I won't touch that thing e
ver. I just wanted to give you the best gift I could. And really, it wasn't too much money. I was very frugal."
He smiles and pulls me into him. "You're the best gift I could have. But thank you. I love it. I hope I never have to use it."
"Me too," I say. "Me, too."
February - 2003
Little black dress. Flowers at the beginning of the night. I'm being spoiled for Valentine's Day.
"Where are we going?" I ask.
He continues to look straight ahead, but he's smiling. "It's a surprise. Don't want to ruin it for you."
I hate surprises. But he knows that. Usually because my "surprise" comes before or after his fist. But I won't ruin tonight. Carter's in an unusually good mood and there's no point messing that up.
"You'll like it, I promise," he adds, like he's worried I'm already dreading whatever it is.
We pull up to Reverie, the new, most expensive restaurant in town.
"How did you…?"
He winks at me. "I still have a few tricks up my old sleeve." He comes around to my side of the truck and opens the door, holding out a hand for me to grab onto. The winter air reaches through my jacket, sending shivers down my spine but Carter's warm hand is a stark contrast. A reminder that even amongst the cold there can be warmth.
The windows of the restaurant are frosted, and the amber lights inside cast a peachy glow outside. As we walk toward the front doors, it's like a scene out of a movie. The perfect bewitching hour, with the perfect date, at the most perfect place to eat.
When we walk in, the host greets us with a smile and asks for our reservation name.
"Should be under Brooks," Carter says.
The host smiles. "Of course. Follow me Mr. Brooks." She directs us to a quaint table at the back of the room.
A candle flickers atop the creamy tablecloth, little stars dancing across the linen napkins surrounding the table.
No sooner than we sit, a familiar voice calls out to Carter.
We turn from our seats and my eyes fall on Courtney and Grayson.
"I thought that was you!" Grayson says, walking over to us.
