man hunting her if she does not
look in the mirror
does she exist if she walks past men
and they do not look
at her is she still alive is a signified
without a signifier
really impossible can that which is
signified ever become
a signifier what is a birdfeeder
without a bird is a
woman the birdfeeder the bird or
the birdseed the moon
at night stretches on her bed like a
blue dress when it
goes down a child foolishly believes
it is gone
THE PROGNOSIS IS POOR
The prognosis is poor again the lungs
are out of money
again it’s Monday again every day
is Monday Barbie
Chang’s mother is sleeping in the other
room again her
father is confused by papers again
mumbling shuffling
through them his thoughts are like
shuffling cards that
never stop someone is bringing
another oxygen tank
again Barbie Chang’s ambitions are
whispering again
she attaches a green heavy cylinder
to thin tubes again
everyone at school seems rude as they
talk about their kids
and their new skills again the women
at school hear illness and
interrupt with their own stories about
their grandmothers again
it’s tense at school the Circle ignores
her more than usual
they go to bars and do barre classes
they go to the mall more
often while Barbie Chang mulls about
all the people God has
killed in planes again her father refuses to
get up from the restaurant
table because he still wants to sign the
receipt again Anne Carson
calls metaphor a mind put in a state of
war what if when a part
of the brain dies it can no longer be at
war the two armies never
fight they are divided by a large hill that
either side can never see over
what happens when a brain is frozen in
a state of preparation
BARBIE CHANG GOT HER HAIR DONE
Barbie Chang got her hair done for
the school auction
she was afraid sick of the Circle since
she heard of their
shopping for matching dresses so out
of the nest she flew
into the auction thinking she could
outmaneuver her
loneliness thinking she could overcome
being classified thinking
she could be an agent of her own
classification in came
the Circle drunk tossing coins at baskets
one in pink one in
green one in orange one in purple
matching floral
barrettes glowing like a rainbow that
seemed low enough
to reach to touch Barbie Chang would
never admit it but
she still wanted the rainbow to rain on
her to wear bows in her
hair that meant she belonged somewhere
else she owed it to
her children to make friends to blend
into the dead end
MR. DARCY TAKES BARBIE CHANG
Mr. Darcy takes Barbie Chang up
to the planetarium
to look at stars and planets the
more they zoom in
the more the planets look like
houses burning
there are reasons for those domes
those halves of things
forever separating and coming back
together those slats in
the roof they can be controlled
opened and closed
unlike her mouth with its red poppy its
dark copy sometimes at
night electronic toys will go off
thinking no one is
watching she wonders who is observing
them two terrestrial specks
celestial sextants aligned only in the
night if they zoom in
they will see two fingerlike test tubes
filled with fire
BARBIE CHANG LOVES EVITES
Barbie Chang loves Evites Paperless
Party Posts that host her
ego patch her holes she puts barrettes
on her heart so other
people will see her will hear her her
heart is made of hay is
disturbingly small held in its cage she
is never late when invited
always ready for mimesis ready to put
on her costume to
drink mimosas her heart smells like
moth balls jumps at
every broth bell her heart growls more
each day she trims it with
a number 2 it’s messy work missing
her aorta by a little bit
her heart is always sort of bleeding she is
always waiting for
invitations once she heard the Circle
planning a birthday party
for a daughter she stationed herself
sipped water for days
waiting for the Evite leaving her Kindle
on as a nightlight it
glowed a blue garden on the ceiling she
let her guard down it
never made a ringing sound when you
brush a child’s hair the
mother can also feel the pain she heard
the ice skating party
was a hit little girls going in figure
eights their breath
coming out in clouds shaped like
little white hearts
THESE MEN CAN BE COLLECTED
These men can be collected in a cup
or a shovel but Barbie
Chang cannot pick each out except
by the handful they
each dress better have nice sweaters
come with tags that say
Do Not Remove they move everywhere
they are a catalogue that
keeps coming in the mail each only
slightly different from
the last this manuscript is named
Man. 4 moon sounds
like man the shadow on her desk is
not hers her light
is her heart that hurts from igniting the
microphone she talks
into an ear but the ear is not an ear she
can whisper into
it is her own ear she has never seen
except backward
the words keep coming from Mr. Darcy’s
mouth and she keeps
waiting each month for him to go back
into the book but
how does she turn her back if there is
no one watching her
BARBIE CHANG HAS NO INTENTION
Barbie Chang has no intention of
letting the heart win
it’s the lungs that need her shelter
her mother’s lungs
sound like Velcro they crackle like a
candy wrapper this
year Barbie Chang has wrapped up
the past but no matter
how many times she cuts and pastes a
new childhood over her
old one her hair color is still algebraic
it is both x and the
solution it is metonymy for her whole
being it is the most
economical way to identify her when
you know someone
will die it is not economical t
o keep
them alive but we try
and try because we don’t know that
good memories can’t start
appearing until after someone is dead
when waiting for someone
to die getting ahead seems foolish
when someone is dying
there are always noises in the attic
Barbie Chang hates the
status quo wants to go back to being
quoted wants something
to happen cannot lie she has wished
for someone to die
MR. DARCY GRABS
Mr. Darcy grabs Barbie Chang’s hand
one that has a loop
and can be tugged like a leash she
wishes his hand
were a special hand she has been trying
to touch for years but
his hand has no breadth or texture
fingers too big to text
just a hand that only knows one
woman’s upholstery
its fabric and stuffing Barbie Chang’s
own hand is stiff
scared of his letting go when he leaves
her gasp comes out as an
X-ray of the other woman the
same imposter is it
possible that she desires Mr. Darcy
because he cannot be
captured on film because he has no
footsteps maybe he
was right wing all along but if she
knew that would she
give the ring back the phone rings
every day with men
trying to sell her solar panels don’t
they know not
everything that burns should be
captured and sold
BARBIE CHANG’S FATHER CALLS
Barbie Chang’s father calls again calls
her again again he calls
her still knows how to dial a cellphone
Barbie Chang’s father has
another problem always has a problem
doesn’t know he is
liminal he says Barbie Chang’s mother
criticizes him all is wrong
today today he calls his hands handles
today his handles hurt
today Barbie Chang’s mother handles
the bad news poorly
today the doctor thinks three months
but says six no one can
fix Barbie Chang’s mother once her
mother had good hearing
could hear anything see and smell
everything corners were
always too sharp too dark no hearth
always harping on
everyone what was wrong with everyone
too dumb too short too tall
not enough college collar too white
moon too fraction
moon too waxing when she is not yelling
at him or asking about the
taxes has Barbie Chang finished her
taxes again asking about
the taxes the same taxes or whether she
can fix his brain she lies
on her side thin body shaped
like a large ear
BARBIE CHANG WAITS
Barbie Chang waits for Mr. Darcy to
reappear he is her
hound he hunts her every 43 days
Barbie Chang has
eaten with 129 forks since then 86
bowls of rice she still
has not achieved fame it still rains
every day in her brain
she still falls asleep in clubs playing
techno music
her head receives the beat her head
is a music stand
the conductor taps it with a lightning rod
her brain metals all
night it materials into Mr. Darcy they
hold hands into the room
two fools who think this will last
they will eventually
be the past too she bites his neck like
a flea but he doesn’t
swat her off there is no sweat because
the scene is not real she
has been here before on the other twin
bed twining another body
but always thinking of Mr. Darcy she
always wakes in the same
place the same room outside could be India
could be a windy hallway of
a hotel room with carpet worn from
heavy pets at 20 she
bought $40 nail clippers full
of hope now she clips
twenty little fingers and twenty little
toes her daughter wants
to grow her hair out when it is finally
long she will be gone
II
DEAR P.
1
Five seconds to open a parachute one
that smells like terror I am a river and
you a body when your body fell into
the river you informed it ignored it
I handled you as a half masted plank or
wooden vessel when I received you it was
night the constellations broke their
vertebrae arching to see you I stumbled
over myself to key you into my folds river
of error river of dirty whiteness now I know
if I press hard enough on my eyeballs I see
geometric shapes and stars my love for you
is something like this it is there like
the stars but nothing I can grab or free
2
I want to change the ending before this
begins I want to know how to begin without
the softness of sentimentality it exhales
from my pencil from the edge of my hair
through the heart as something wept seeps
down my arm through my fingers and comes
out as speech a soft speech sponge speech
a speech that speaks for me and fills this page
with seaweed green swaths of love I cross them
out force new words storm words out through
a straw but they take the shape of a girl’s
handwriting there’s a heart on the lowercase i
it looks like a microphone and when I sing into
it my voice comes back softer like a lullaby
Barbie Chang Page 2
