Sandra said, “I’ll be back in a few minutes to check on you. Call if you need anything.”
Mick took his cue and left the room before they knew he was listening in. Fifteen minutes later, he came in again and saw the curtain was open. Caitlin held Beth in the crook of her arm. A soft light shone in her eyes and a happy smile curved her lips. “Mick, I’m glad you’re here.”
He smiled back feeling foolishly proud as he settled into a chair beside her.
During the past weeks, Caitlin had been avoiding him. Using the excuse of job hunting, she had been gone from the house for long hours if he was home. Whenever he tried to bring up how he felt about her, she practically ran out of the room. He tried to remember not to push, but it got harder every day.
Sandra came back to the bedside. “There are some people in the waiting room who would like to see both of you.”
Caitlin looked curious. “Who is it?”
“They said they were friends of yours. One of them is a pastor.”
“It must be Pastor Frank,” Caitlin said. “It’s fine if he comes in.”
A few minutes later, Caitlin looked up and smiled. “Eddy! What a surprise. Come in.”
“Are you sure it’s okay?”
“Of course it is. Come and meet Beth.” She raised the baby higher in the crook of her elbow. “Eddy, meet Elizabeth Anne Williams. Beth, this is the fellow who saved us both by getting the ambulance the day you were born.”
Eddy propped his trembling hands on his thighs as he leaned forward. “Sheesh! I ain’t never seen a baby so small.”
“She’s a lot bigger now than when she was born,” Mick said, hiding his hurt and disappointment. Caitlin had called her Elizabeth Anne Williams, not O’Callaghan. He shouldn’t have expected Caitlin to think of Beth as bearing his name. Legally she did, but not in her mother’s eyes.
“Sheesh,” Eddy said again, clearly in awe.
“Sit down,” Caitlin patted the chair beside her. “Would you like to hold her?”
Eddy straightened and waved his hands. “Oh, no. She’s too little. I might drop her or something. Maybe when she’s bigger—and walkin’. I got a present for her down at Mercy House.”
“You didn’t have to get us anything.”
“I know. It ain’t much, but you’ll be needin’ it.”
“What is it?”
“I ain’t gonna tell ya, but when you take this cutie to yer new home, it’ll be waitin.”
Caitlin sent Mick a questioning look. He shook his head. He had no idea what Eddy was talking about.
“What do you mean, my new home?” she asked.
“Oh, I wasn’t supposed to say nothin’. Pastor Frank was gonna tell ya himself. I guess I’d better go and let him come in. She’s real cute, honey. Thanks for lettin’ me see her.” He gave a short nod, sniffed once, wiped at his eye then fled from the room.
A few minutes later, the pastor joined them. He grinned at Caitlin and the baby. “My, she is a tiny one. Babies never cease to amaze me. What a wonderful way God chose to start people.”
He took the seat beside Caitlin. “I have some good news, but I think Eddy spoiled my surprise. I’ve found an apartment for you. It’s not much, only two rooms over a garage, but it’s sound, and it’s close to the hospital. And the first three months rent will be free.”
“A place of our own, for real? How?” She looked at Mick.
“It wasn’t me.” He listened to Pastor Frank’s news with a sinking heart. It often took the man months to find homes for the women at his shelter. Mick had expected Caitlin would be with him for weeks yet. Certainly until after the baby came home. He didn’t want her leaving. Not now—not ever. He wanted to see her bright and beautiful face every day.
“The Lord moves in mysterious ways,” Pastor Frank continued. “Out of the blue I received a call from one of my parishioners about having a place for someone. It was too small for the women at the shelter who all have several children and the two elderly women with us couldn’t manage the stairs. But it seemed perfect for you. The place is empty now. You can move in right away. It even has some furniture.”
“A place of our own,” Caitlin tried to infuse some joy into her voice. It was what she wanted only she wasn’t ready to leave Mick.
Sandra came to stand beside Caitlin’s chair. “It’s time for Beth to go back in her bed. We don’t want her wasting her calories keeping warm. We want her to use them to grow.”
“But Mick hasn’t gotten to hold her,” Caitlin protested.
“I’ll hold her tomorrow,” he said. “Let her sleep now.”
She tried to read his face, but she couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Was he sad to know she would be leaving, or relieved to get rid of her?
Pastor Frank excused himself and left. Mick walked with him out of the unit. Caitlin let Sandra put Beth back to bed, then she left as well.
Mick was waiting by his SUV in the hospital parking lot. He held open the door for her. Climbing in, she tried again to find out what he was thinking. “Pastor Frank didn’t waste any time getting me a place.”
“No, he didn’t.” Mick shut her door and walked around. He seemed angry. She waited until he got in and started the engine.
“It sounds like a nice place,” she ventured.
“It sounds small.”
“Compared to your place, maybe. But for just Beth and me, it sounds okay.”
“We’ll see.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’m not going to let you and Beth move into some dump.”
“Did I hear you right? You aren’t going to let me? What makes you think that you can tell me what to do?”
“Don’t get your hackles up. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“And just how did you mean it?”
“All I meant was that I want to check the place out.”
“You want to check out the place I’m going to live? Why?”
“You know why.”
“I want to hear you say it.” Angry now, she didn’t try to hide the fact.
“All right! Because it might not be the kind of place you should take a baby who has spent the last two months in a hospital.”
“I can’t believe you think I’d let her stay in a place that wasn’t okay.”
“Let me see,” he said, sarcasm cutting deep through his voice. “Oh, like the place I found you in! Now that was okay, wasn’t it?”
“I didn’t have a choice then. I was working on getting a decent place, only Beth came too soon.”
“There will always be problems that come up. I just don’t see how you can take care of her by yourself.”
She turned away from him and stared out the window. She had to be strong. Now more than ever. She couldn’t let her feelings for Mick blind her to what he could do. She drew in a deep, steadying breath. “Beth and I will be fine without your help.”
He gave an exasperated sigh. “I know you love her, but love won’t put food on the table, it won’t pay the rent. Beth needs a father. I intend to be there for her. I grew up without a father, and so did you. You know what it’s like. Why won’t you let me take care of both of you?”
She jerked around to face him. “Yes, I grew up without a father, but I barely missed him because I never knew who he was. You know who I did miss? I missed my mother! I missed her every time she was too strung out to get out of bed while I went hungry because there wasn’t any food. I missed her every time she left me alone and didn’t come home for days. All I ever wanted was for her to love me. Me! Not the stuff she shot up her arm.” Her voice broke, but she struggled to keep control.
“All I ever wanted was for my mother to love me the way that I love Beth. She’s all I need, and I’m all she needs. Beth was never yours. I’m sorry you can’
t accept that.”
“She isn’t my blood, but she’s mine in my heart. I don’t want to fight, Caitlin.”
She didn’t either, but she couldn’t let him think that he could run her life. He had the power to take her child away if she failed to live up to the standards he set. She hardened her heart. Keeping Beth was all that mattered. She stared straight ahead and kept her voice level when she said, “Beth isn’t some fantasy replacement for the children you can’t have.”
“That’s not fair!”
She cringed at the pain she had inflicted, but there was no way to call the words back. Instead, she said, “Life ain’t fair, Mick’O. I’m surprised you hadn’t noticed. I’m going back inside and stay with Beth a while longer.”
She reached for the handle and pushed open the door. He didn’t try to stop her.
“Go home, Mick. I can find my own way from now on. You know, I’m looking forward to being out on my own again.” It was, without a doubt, the biggest lie she had ever uttered.
Mick didn’t answer. He simply stared at her. She couldn’t bear the pain in his face. She closed the door and walked away.
* * *
It was barely a week later when a timid knock came from the front door of Caitlin’s new home. She dropped the curtain rod she was hanging and hurried to open it. Maybe it was Mick.
It wasn’t. His mother stood on the stoop. She held a large shopping bag in her hand. Her other arm remained in a sling, but the cast was gone. Caitlin stared in surprise at her unexpected guest.
Elizabeth smiled and wiggled two fingers in an awkward wave. “Hi. I hope you don’t mind my dropping by. I was out shopping, and I saw the cutest baby clothes. I couldn’t resist. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Ah—no, I don’t mind at all. Come in.”
“Thanks, but I have a few more bags in the cab.” She pushed the one she held into Caitlin’s hands and hurried down the steps. She returned with bag after bag until Caitlin wondered if the woman had been knocking over infant stores across the city and was trying to get rid of the stolen goods. As she set the last bag on the counter, Caitlin wondered if the gesture had been Mick’s idea. She couldn’t bring herself to ask.
Elizabeth looked around, and said, “My gracious sakes! What is that monstrosity?”
“I think it’s called a pram. It’s a present from a friend.”
“It’s a gigantic, black leather baby buggy with crooked wheels.” She moved closer to examine it. “This thing must be a hundred years old. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one except in movies. What are you going to do with it?”
“I’m going to use it as a baby bed.”
“You’re joking.”
“I know a girl whose baby slept in the bottom drawer of her dresser. Why couldn’t a baby buggy work as well?”
“I guess it could.” Elizabeth bent to examine the pram then wrinkled her nose. “Thank goodness the baby isn’t coming home yet. This is going to take some work to get it clean.”
Looking instantly contrite, she straightened and said, “I’m sorry. That sounded heartless. I’m sure you wish your little girl were home no matter what. How is she doing?”
“Great, except that she still forgets to breathe sometimes. She’s on a drug to help that, and she’s still on one to control her seizures, but she’s gaining weight. I nurse her three times a day now. If she keeps gaining, she’ll get to move out of her incubator in a few more days.”
“I’m glad. You’ve been very brave in the face of all that has happened.”
Caitlin shook her head. “No, I’m not. I worry every minute that something else will go wrong.”
“That’s only natural. It’s a mother thing.” Moving around the apartment, Elizabeth picked up Caitlin’s sketchbook from the stained-and-scarred coffee table. “May I?” At Caitlin’s nod, she leafed through the book.
“These are wonderful. Mick told me you’re an artist and that you are selling some of your work.”
“Lately, every grandparent with a baby in the nursery wants to buy a portrait. Dr. Wright has even talked to a guy who owns a gallery. He’s gonna take a look at my stuff.”
“That’s great.”
“Maybe, maybe not. I don’t want to get my hopes up. How is Mick?” she asked, hoping she didn’t sound too eager for information.
“Actually, I haven’t seen much of him. I got my cast off two days ago, and I’m moving back into my own apartment. I’ve been busy setting things to rights there. I’m sure he’s been busy with work.”
Too busy to come to the hospital. Caitlin knew because she spent every day there, herself. He’d promised that he would always be there for Beth, but this was how Caitlin knew it would turn out. He was getting on with his life. Only, she hadn’t expected it to hurt this much.
Elizabeth moved a step closer and laid a hand on Caitlin’s shoulder. “I’d really like to keep in touch with you.”
“I’d like that, too.”
“Well, since I’m here, why don’t I take you out to lunch?”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Nonsense. You have to eat, don’t you? I tell you what. In exchange for a meal, you can bring your young knees over to my apartment and take a broom to the dust buffalo under my bed and sofa. You’d be doing me a big favor.”
“I thought they were dust bunnies.”
“They’ve been growing since I’ve been at Mick’s. Please say you’ll come and tackle them for a crippled, old woman.”
“Since you put it that way, sure.”
“Excellent. I told the cabby to wait in case you said yes. I can’t wait to show you my little place. I have quite a teapot collection that I think you’ll like. That reminds me. Do you have a teapot? If not, I shall make you a present of one of mine. Good tea requires a good pot to brew in.”
Caitlin smiled as she followed Elizabeth down the steps. Besides the fact that she truly liked Mick’s mother, it would be easy now to find out how he was doing. She missed him more than she had ever thought possible.
* * *
It was after two in the morning when Mick entered the NICU and made his way to the incubator where Beth lay sleeping. Propped on her side, she held both fists close to her face like a tiny boxer getting ready to take on all comers. She was a fighter like her mother, and he thanked God for that. Life wasn’t going to be easy for her.
He draped one arm on the top of her box and leaned in close, but he didn’t speak, didn’t open the porthole to caress her tiny head as he longed to do. She needed her sleep. She was doing so well now that the past months seemed like a fading nightmare. How many times had she cheated death while he paced in the waiting room? He had come to hate the sight of those blue tweed chairs. He’d never buy anything that color.
An alarm sounded a few beds down the aisle, and a nurse walked by to silence it. There was still a hustle in the nursery, but it was more muted at night. Perhaps it was the dimmed lights that kept everyone talking more quietly and slowed the frantic pace. He’d taken to visiting Beth in the small hours of the morning since Caitlin had moved out of his house.
Without her presence, he found it hard to sleep. Instead of tossing and turning in his lonely bed he came here. Here he didn’t miss her scent—her vibrancy—the sound of her voice. Here he came to watch over Beth while she slept.
Each day, Beth grew stronger. And each day the child he thought of as his own slipped further away from him. He had to let her go. Just as he had let her mother go.
Knowing that Caitlin didn’t want him in her life was tearing him apart. She wanted to live her own life. He understood that, even respected it, but the love he felt wasn’t fading now that they were apart. Would it ever? How could he face a lifetime without Caitlin and Beth?
Lord, grant me Your wisdom and guidance. Please. Because I don�
�t know what to do.
Chapter Fifteen
“These are your going-home instructions. Do you have any questions?” A nurse Caitlin hadn’t met before handed her a sheet of paper. Caitlin took it and stared at it trying to calm her fears. How could she possibly do this? How could she care for Beth without doctors and nurses there around the clock? What if there was something important in this paper?
Tell her. Tell her you can’t read.
She opened her mouth to confess, but the words stuck in her throat. Would they let her take Beth home if they knew how stupid she was? The fear of losing her baby always lurked in the back of her mind. If they thought she couldn’t take care of Beth, would they give her to Mick, instead?
She glanced at the car seat by her feet. Beth slept quietly, looking utterly adorable in a pink, frilly dress with a matching band around her head. No, Caitlin decided, she couldn’t risk it. As soon as she had a chance, she’d take the paper and have Eddy look at it.
Caitlin forced a smile. “It all seems pretty clear.”
“Good. Here are the prescriptions for Beth’s medications. Take them to the pharmacy of your choice.”
“But I’ll still give her the same amounts, right?”
“That’s right. Her caffeine is ten milligrams, that’s one cc in the morning, and her phenobarbital is eight milligrams, two cc’s at night. I’ve put several small oral medication syringes in this bag.”
Caitlin nodded. She knew how to give the medications. She’d watched closely as Sandra had shown her how to draw two cc’s of liquid from the round bottle and one cc from the oval bottle. Both medicines were red liquids, but she knew the round bottle was the drug that would control Beth’s seizures and the oval bottle was the drug that would keep Beth from having apnea. “The pharmacy will give me the same medicines, right?”
“Yes, they’ll be the same as what Beth was taking here. Do you have any questions about the home monitor?”
“No, the guy who set it up explained everything. I’ve had my CPR training. I know all the emergency numbers.”
His Bundle of Love / the Color of Courage Page 19
