“No!” I shook my head, vehemently. “I love Dean. I really do.”
“Getting lost in a moment, or wanting to get lost in a moment doesn’t mean you do not love your husband, hon.”
“Yes it does. It’s betrayal. Because I shouldn’t find myself in these moments in the first place.”
“Betrayal or not, it doesn’t cancel your feelings for him. Betrayal is a mistake, and we all make mistakes. We’re only human.”
“Yeah, I know. But is it a mistake if you can see it coming?”
She sighed. “Here’s the thing, these ‘moments’ are the result of acting upon curiosity, which we all know has to lead to an experience we hope to gain from in one way or another, because if we weren’t set to gain from it we wouldn’t act upon our curiosity in the first place, right?”
I shrugged but didn’t say anything.
“Weakness or strength are what drive our decision to act. They are two states of being we all possess and neither of them cancel or negate our feelings.”
A distant plane soared through the sky, and I was instantly aware of how peaceful, quiet and still it was at forty-three stories above ground. Planes were loud. The traffic on the roads below was loud, yet all I could hear was the beating of my troubled heart and the suckling of Brayden as he fed.
“Okay,” Alexis said, shuffling in her seat. “Say for instance you’re curious of jumping out of a plane. In order to decide whether or not to do so, you’d first have to stand to gain something from the experience then be driven by strength to take the actual leap. Now, say the act of jumping out of the plane was considered wrong. What you stand to gain wouldn’t change. Your curiosity wouldn’t change either. The only thing that changes is what you stand to lose and what would drive you to take that leap.”
I stared at the plane, trying to decipher what she was trying to explain.
“Weakness, Tash. Not strength. Your decision to leap would be driven by weakness because you knew that to do so was wrong. The same thing applies to kissing Dale. You were curious. You stood to gain something from it. It was wrong. Weakness prevailed. And regardless of your mistake, you still love Dean.”
A tear rolled down my cheek, because I knew I’d been weak. “I should’ve tried to be stronger.”
“Yeah, you probably should’ve. But curiosity can be quite compelling. Even the strongest fall victim to it.”
I turned around to face her, sniffling. “That doesn’t make it okay, though.”
“Of course it doesn’t.” She lifted Brayden to her shoulder and began to burp him. “But even morality is subjective.”
“Infidelity is not moral. Not even a little bit.” I wasn’t about to defend my actions, they were inexcusable, and I didn’t want Alexis doing it either, because it wouldn’t change the fact nor would it make me feel any better.
“No, you’re right. It’s not. But it doesn’t just happen either. It isn’t black and white. The decision to act against your morals is almost always made because you feel some form of moral justification to do so. It’s complicated.”
“Again, that doesn’t make it right.”
“Hon, I’m not trying to excuse what you did, but you do need to realise there was a reason as to why you did it, a reason that stemmed from something you thought was right at the time.”
A monstrous roar erupted from Brayden’s mouth, followed by a sickly gurgle and gushing sound.
“Oh no.” Alexis’ eyes closed, slowly. “That sounded projectile-like.”
I nodded. “Um yeah.”
“Please tell me it isn’t so.”
“Sorry. No can do.”
“Noooooooooo,” she cried, her body as still as a statue.
“Yep.”
“But why? WHY?”
I shrugged and wrinkled my nose to prevent laughing. “Because shit happens.”
“Don’t you mean ‘spew’ happens?”
“Yeah, that too.”
She straightened her back just as Brayden began to cry. “Ew. Ew. Ew. It’s soaking into my top. Quick! Take him.” She held him out like a dangling disease.
“Do I have to?”
“Yes! Take him or I’ll courier you a balloon every day for the rest of your life!” Like hell you will.
Relieving her, I held Brayden at an arm’s length while she fled the room to get changed. Milky baby-chuck drenched the front of his bib. It was also dripping from his trembling little mouth and chin.
“Dude, you gotta learn to keep it down,” I advised, laying him on the changetable and removing his bib. How anything covered in spew could look adorable was beyond me, and yet babies somehow did. They were tiny tricksters of the worst kind.
“Rule of thumb: what goes in mustn’t come back out.” I wiped his face clean and began to unbutton his onesie. He stopped crying and listened intently, either that or he’d found a stray hair on my chin. “Now, as you get older, this rule will change. In fact, it will be expected of you every Sunday morning after a binge drinking session with your mates, quite commonly known as a hangover. You’re allowed to break the rule during this time. The thing is, no one is gonna do what I’m doing now. You get this shit all over your clothes and face, you’re on your own. So lap it up while you can.”
“What are you teaching my son?”
I looked up just as Alexis walked into the room wearing a fresh, clean top. “None of your business. It’s private Tashy-Bray stuff, isn’t it, little dude?”
He giggled as I tickled his tummy and removed his onesie. Alexis smiled and turned away, gathering her hair into a messy bun before opening his tallboy drawer.
“He’ll need another singlet, too,” I advised her.
“Yep. Thought as much.” She handed me his clean clothes then stepped back and let me play Aunty Tash. “So, back to what we were talking about before Mount Burpsalot erupted.”
“Mount Burpsalot?” I leaned forward and blew a raspberry on his chest. “Did you hear that? She’s a mean mummy, isn’t she?”
He kicked and giggled, which made putting on his onesie a whole lot fucking harder.
“As I was saying,” she continued. “You kissing Dale happened for a reason. What do you think that reason is?”
Her question swirled inside my mind for a second, three words manifesting almost instantly. “Loneliness, excitement … change.”
“Those make sense.”
“Yeah, well … whether they make sense or not, the decision to kiss him was wrong. End of story.”
“But it’s not ‘end of story’, is it?” She was right, it wasn’t. “Do you have feelings for him?”
I sucked in a deep breath and threaded Brayden’s arms through the sleeves of his suit. It was the question that led to the kiss in the first place.
“Stop it,” I gurgled. “Let me go!”
“No. Answer my question.”
His hands moved to my hips, their strength rotating me to face him. I pushed against his chest, but he wrapped his arms around me in a bear hug.
Out of breath, our chests rose and fell, our eyes blinking droplets of water onto our cheeks as we scanned each other’s faces.
“Well?” he asked, his voice breathy and low.
I stared at his lips, soft, pink and wet. And without even thinking, I lunged myself at them, kissing him hard, hungry and with purpose.
His grip on me loosened immediately, one of his hands finding the back of my head and holding my face to his as his tongue eagerly swept across mine. Our mouths were wild, as were my hands — gripping, groping, grabbing.
I climbed his body and secured his waist between my legs, grinding my needy clit against his hard cock. Hot sensation burst throughout my body, and I moaned deliriously.
“Yesss.”
“Yes?” he ground out, trailing his mouth down my neck and back up again.
He pressed me against the side of the pool, the cold, hard surface meeting my back. “I knew it.” His breath was heavy, his words rushed and desperate. “I knew you felt the s
ame way.”
As if an alarm bell all of a sudden rang obnoxiously within my head, I pulled away and said, “Stop”.
Dale blinked, chest heaving. He let go of my face and placed both hands on the pool’s edge on either side of my body, caging me in. “Not again,” he sighed.
“I can’t,” I pleaded. “God, what am I doing? What have I done?” I let go of his head and shoulders and covered my mouth with both hands. “Please, I need to get out. I … I need to go.” I released my legs, and he stepped back to allow enough space for me to move away from him.
“Tash,” he groaned.
I ignored him and waded through the water to the steps, fighting the liquid wall with all my strength and pushing it behind me. Its defence was fierce, as if to prevent me from leaving, but I had to get the hell out of there and as quickly as possible. The thought of what I’d just done made me ill to my stomach.
Reaching the steps, each one I took released me from the water’s grasp until I was free and once again rushing toward the elevator.
“Tash, wait!”
“No!” I yelled, not looking back. “Just stay away from me.” I ran to the elevator, slamming my hand on the button repeatedly until the doors slid open.
I hurried inside and pressed the level where my suite was located, followed by the close-doors button before backing myself to the very corner of the cart. The doors began to slide shut, so I let out the breath I’d been holding and closed my eyes, relieved but mortified and laden in guilt.
“Tash, please wait!” Dale’s voice was loud and close, but not close enough, the doors shutting before he could pry them open. “Shit!” I heard him say as the elevator started its ascent.
“Oh my God! Oh. My. God! What have I done?” I whispered, breathing hard as tears broke free and streamed down my face. I shook my head, repeatedly, hoping it would somehow erase what had just happened. But it couldn’t. Nothing could.
The floor numbers displayed on the digital panel next to the door escalated, and I willed them to skip-count. My suite was on level forty-one and we’d just passed twenty-three.
“Please hurry,” I begged, as if it would help them climb.
Before I could comprehend what was happening, my body jerked and the cart screeched to a stop, my legs buckling and forcing me to squat with my hands pressed against the walls on either of my body.
“Shit!” I screamed, terror seizing me, the silence near deafening.
I released my hand from the wall and it placed on my chest to check if my heart was still beating. I honestly had no idea if it was, or what was happening — all of sudden disorientated.
“Tash, we need to talk.”
I startled and screamed again, this time acutely aware of the rapid beating of my heart. “Jesusfuck! Dale? Is that you?”
His voice spoke through the speaker again. “You know it is.”
Slowly, and with shaking legs, I stood and pointed at the camera. “You did this? You stopped the elevator?”
“Yes. We need to talk.”
“You start this cart right now! You hear me?”
“Fine. I’ll bring it back down to the sundeck and we can talk.”
“Like hell you will. You’ll send it to the forty-first floor. NOW! I’m not kidding.”
“Tashy, please. I just want to sort this all—”
“Don’t you dare call me that,” I interrupted, bursting into tears, shock, guilt, and fear overwhelming me. “I can’t do this. I can’t see you.” My vision waned, the cart moving but not, so I steadied myself by grasping the brass railing. “Dale,” I panted. “I can’t be in here any longer. Please, start the cart again.”
“Are you okay?”
“Just do it.”
“Okay. Give me a second.”
“Hurry.” I crouched back down, unable to stand, unable to focus.
“Okay, okay. It’s starting. I’m sorry, Tash. I didn’t know you’d—”
My mind censored him as the cart started to move, and at first I wasn’t sure if it was going up or down until it stopped seconds later on the forty-first floor. The doors slid open, and my body welcomed the cool air that seemed to rush to my aid. I sucked it in deep and pulled myself to my feet again.
“I’m sorry, Tash. I panicked. I couldn’t let you go.”
“Just stay away from me,” I said, refusing to look into the camera. I took a moment to find my balance before stepping toward the door and adding with finality. “I’m married, Dale, and it’s going to stay that way.”
“Tash. TASH!”
“What? Sorry. What?” I stuttered, snapping out of my recollection to find Alexis fastening the buttons on Brayden’s suit, something I was about to do before getting lost in thoughts of what had transpired the night before.
Still adjusting my equilibrium, I took a step back.
Alexis eyed me warily as she picked up Brayden and walked over to his cot. “Are you okay? Do you need to sit down?”
“No, no. I’m fine. I just have a lot going on in my head right now.”
“Yeah, I bet you do.” She laid him down and tucked him in before switching on his solar system cot mobile, stars and planets slowly spinning around to the tune of a lullaby. “You can’t ignore it though. You know that, right?”
I nodded and bit my lip, trying but failing to keep my tears at bay yet again.
She closed the space between us and took my hands in hers. “Believe it or not, I know what you’re feeling. I’ve been in your shoes. And if I can offer you any advice it would be don’t push it aside. Don’t sugar-coat it. No matter how much you want it to, it’s not just gonna go away. You have to deal with it and allow yourself to properly feel everything you’re feeling, because there’s a reason you’re feeling it.”
“But I don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t know why this has happened. I love Dean. I don’t want to be with anyone else.”
“I didn’t want to be with anyone else either, but sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes you need more.”
“But I don’t need more. Dean is enough … he should be enough.”
“Should or is?”
I let go of her hands and walked to the window. “Is.”
“Then what does Dale give you that Dean doesn’t?”
“Why are you asking me these things?”
“Because you need to ask them of yourself if you want to get to the bottom of why this is happening. Look … when I was faced with the decision to stay with Rick or start a new life with Bryce, you never told me to be safe and stay with Rick. No one did. Not even my sister or mother. At first I thought it was because you and everyone else saw the bad in him and didn’t think he deserved a second chance. But it wasn’t that.”
Her arms enveloped my waist and her head rested on my shoulder. “I now know why none of you told me what to do, and I think you do too.”
I nodded.
“It doesn’t matter what we tell you you should or shouldn’t do. It’s not our decision. It’s not our life. It’s yours. Only you can make the right choices, and you shouldn’t have any influence from those around you. Our job is to simply support you and make sure you’ve considered everything before your decision is made.” She squeezed me tighter. “So that’s what I’m doing. That’s why I’m asking you these things.”
Safe in her arms, I let more tears fall. “I want Dean. I love Dean. I don’t want Dale. I feel so guilty for what I’ve done.”
“Firstly, it was just a kiss. And I’m not saying that isn’t bad, because it is, because it’s more to do with the emotions behind the kiss. And secondly, it’s a good thing you feel guilty, because you should, you’ve accepted that you made a mistake. But ask yourself why you made it to begin with. You said before that you felt lonely, that Dale was excitement and change.”
“Yeah, he was.”
“It that all? Because those are things you can apply to your marriage. If Dean is who you want but your marriage isn’t, then make your marriage what you want it to be.”
I turned in her arms. “He is what I want, but you’re right, my marriage isn’t. I need to feel again, Alexis. I need Dean to feel again. I need our spark, lust, hunger and connection to return. Just because we are husband and wife, mum and dad, that doesn’t mean we can’t be lovers as well.”
“Of course it doesn’t. If anything, you should be lovers. That’s where it all began.”
“I know. So why is it so hard?”
She chuckled a little. “It’s not.”
“That’s easy for you to say. You have Mr Sex On Tap Clark.”
“And you have Mr Sex On Tap Jones.”
“Correction, I have Mr Sex On A Leaky Tap Jones. Mind you,” I added, biting my lip as well as biting back my smile, “the sex we had today was the best we’ve had in years.”
She smiled. “Yeah? That’s good. So what’s changed? Why was today really good?”
“Dean said it was because we didn’t think too hard about it. We just got caught up in the moment and did it.”
“And he’s probably right, to an extent.” Alexis walked to the bedroom door, opened it, and peeked her head out for a second.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I was just checking that none of our children are killing each other and that our Mr Sex on Taps are still down in the basement garage.”
“Oh. All good then?”
“Yeah, all good.” She closed the door, grabbed my hand, and led me to the sitting chair next to the window. “As I was saying … he’s probably right to an extent, but here’s my take on what’s wrong with most marital sex, or lack thereof.” She hesitated for a second then continued. “It’s mainly the woman’s fault—”
“WHAT?” I whisper yelled, almost forgetting Brayden was asleep in the room with us. “Are you fucking crazy? Whose side are you on?”
“I’m on Bryce’s side … on his and my side. But hear me out.”
I rolled my eyes. “This ought to be good.”
“It is, because if it’s part of what’s wrong in your marriage, you’ll already be on your way to fixing the problem.”
“True.” I swept my hand at her. “Go on.”
She wiggled on the seat, excited, and tucked one foot under her bum. “Okay. So most women tend to murder sex before it even takes place.”
Commitment Page 18
