by Alex Grayson
She gently, but forcefully removes my hands from her waist. I let her because I know I’m not going to get through to her right now. She needs time to think, and I’ll give her that, for now.
“I’m sorry,” she says tearfully. “I just can’t take that chance. I can’t take the chance of one day hurting you like that. My body isn’t built for only one man, even if I desperately want it to be.”
I don’t agree with her, but arguing is pointless. I can see it in her eyes that no matter what I say, nothing will get through to her.
I let her slip through my fingers and slide off my lap. The sudden coldness of not having her body next to mine is hard to accept, and I almost snatch her back to me. She keeps her eyes off me as she gets up from the bed, still holding the sheet around her. It hurts to see her walk away from me. It feels like she’s taking a part of me with her, and in a sense, she is. My heart. She may not want it right now, but she has it regardless. And I don’t want it back. I want her to always hold it and keep it safe.
Right before she closes the bathroom door, effectively locking me out of her life, I tell her, “I’m going to give you time, because obviously, I’m not going to change your mind right now, but this isn’t over, Abby. Just because I’m letting you walk away, doesn’t mean I’m letting you walk away for good. I’m going to fight for you and prove to you that what we have is worth it.”
Her shoulders stiffen, then sag. She doesn’t turn around when she speaks, but I still hear it. “Don’t waste your time. I’m not changing my mind.” She doesn’t give me time to answer, just closes the door quietly behind her.
I take several minutes to calm my racing heart down, before getting up and grabbing my clothes. I’m sure Abby will stay inside the bathroom until she knows I’m gone. She’s not a coward by any means, but I know she’d rather I be gone to avoid any further confrontation. I’ll give her that, because the longer she has time to think things over, the sooner I can work at getting her back. I don’t want to leave, everything in me is demanding I stay and force the issue now, but it will only push her further from me.
Once I’m dressed, I walk to the bathroom door and lay my hand against it. It’s stupid of me to think, but I swear I almost feel the warmth of her hand against mine on the other side, like she’s standing just like I am, not wanting me to leave either.
Closing my eyes, I murmur, “I’ll be back. I love you.” Then I walk out the door.
Chapter Fourteen
Abby
I slide the box of blocks back underneath the shelf and stand up, rubbing the ache in my back. It’s been a long day, and I’m glad it’s almost over.
A look over by the coat rack shows only one child left, before Mrs. Morris and I can finish up the last few things we need to do before heading home. Lizzy stands with her hands folded in front of her, looking down at her feet as she waits for her grandmother to pick her up. She looks forlorn, and it makes my heart hurt.
I walk over and kneel in front of her to unbutton and correctly button her jacket. “I like the picture that you drew earlier,” I tell her.
She’s starting to open up a bit more with the other kids besides just Ashley, but there are times when I can still see the sadness in her eyes. I wonder if the nights before are the nights she gets to talk to her mother. I also wonder if her mother is doing better. For Lizzy’s sake, I hope so. It’s already bad enough she has to live without one parent. No child should have to live without both.
“Tank you,” she says in her soft, girly voice.
“Is it you and your mom you drew?” I adjust the bottom of her dress that’s ridden up a little.
She nods, keeping her eyes on the floor between us.
“She’s very pretty.”
She finally looks up at me and her eyes light up a bit.
“Weally? My gwanma says I wook wike her. She says I wook like my daddy too.”
“Well, if she looks anything like you, then she must be pretty.” I smile and tap the end of her nose. Her smile grows wider, and it makes my own smile widen.
“I have a pichure of her and my dad beside my bed. I like to wook at it at night. I miss her most at night. She used to wead me stories.”
Poor baby. My heart aches for her.
“I bet your grandma reads you books now, doesn’t she?”
She nods again. “She does, but my mom would make all da funny noises yous supposed to do. When my Unca Colt comes over and weads to me, he makes da funny noises too.”
Even the mention of his name sends a sharp pain to my chest. It takes effort, but I manage to keep the smile on my face.
“That’s great, sweetie. I bet you love that.”
She nods enthusiastically. “I do.” She leans forward, like she’s telling me a secret. “And he bwings me candy. Gwanma doesn’t know about it.”
I laugh and ruffle her hair. “Just make sure you don’t eat any after you’ve brushed your teeth.”
“Unca Colt says da same fing. I wait till the next morning.”
I get up from my crouch when Mrs. Maverick walks through the door. She’s an older woman that has to at least be in her fifties, but could easily pass for early forties with her thick, gray-free black hair, and body that is still in very good shape. The wrinkles you normally see for a person her age are not present, but you can tell it’s natural, and not from cosmetic surgery to help her stay young.
I nervously look at her. I’ve met her a few times when she’s come to pick up Lizzy, but it’s normally Mrs. Morris that greets her. I’ve avoided her as much as possible, not ready to meet her as the mom of the guy I was dating. She’s been very nice, and I wonder how much Colt has told her about me. This is the first time I’ve been near her since he and I split up, and I’m not quite sure how to act.
“Hey, honey, you ready to go?” she asks Lizzy, bending down to place a kiss on the top of her head.
“I’m weady.”
When Mrs. Maverick stands back up, her eyes land on me and she gives me a soft smile. “Hello, Abigail. How are you?”
My gaze turns weary with her question. I’m not sure if she’s just asking to be nice, or if she’s trying to inquire about my well-being because Colt has told her about our breakup. She doesn’t give anything away with her expression, so I answer like she’s just being polite.
“I’m well, thank you. How are you?”
Her smile remains kind when she answers. “I’m wonderful.”
Needing something to do other than look at Mrs. Maverick, I walk over and grab Lizzy’s bag from a hook and bring it to Lizzy. I bend when she turns, and help her slip it on over her shoulders. Lizzy turns back and leans in to give me a hug. It’s a very sweet gesture she does every day before she leaves.
“I’ll see you Monday, Lizzy. You have a good weekend.” I kiss her cheek and get up from the floor.
When I’m standing, my eyes catch Mrs. Maverick watching us with a soft expression.
“She talks about you a lot at home,” she reveals. “She really likes you.”
“Oh, well…” I’m not exactly sure what to say. Lizzy always seems to gravitate more toward me than any other caregiver here, but I didn’t realize she liked me enough to talk about me once she was home. “I’m glad I made such a good impression on her. She’s a wonderful little girl. I really enjoy her company.”
“Sometimes, I catch her and Colt talking about you.” She catches me off guard, and my eyes widen fractionally. “Especially this past week.” I look down at my hands, hoping she doesn’t see how much her words affect me. My hope is dashed when she continues. “I see I’ve caught you by surprise.”
Forced to look up at her, she has a knowing look on her face. Fuck me. She knows, or she at least knows me and her son had a relationship. She also knows it’s over between us. Her smile turns sad, and I inwardly cringe. The man I love’s mother, the man I broke up with because I can’t keep my body in check, is standing in front of me, looking at me with pity. I want to crawl in a hole and die when
I realize she probably knows more than I’d like her to.
Damn Colt, and his close relationship with his family.
“I… umm…” I stammer and shuffle my feet like an idiot. What the hell am I supposed to say to her? I don’t know how much she knows, and the whole topic is very uncomfortable for me, given who she is and all.
“Sometimes, the things we worship and cherish the most are the things we must fight for the hardest,” she says quietly. “Sometimes, things appear impossible to obtain, but if it’s something we honestly want with our whole hearts, we learn to look past the impossible and make it possible. We push past the fear and our insecurities, and do whatever is necessary to get that thing we want. And the rewards afterward are endless, and worth any pain we’ve had to endure to get there.”
I’ve turned into a complete mush the last few days, and Mrs. Maverick’s words just prove it to me all over again. My eyes fester with water, and although I force the tears back, I know she sees them.
Thankfully, she doesn’t wait for a reply from me. She gives me a smile full of sadness and leads a waving Lizzy out the door.
Colt.
I’ve thought of him as Colt from the moment I realized he was in my bed last weekend, and the pain of him not being where I needed him to be when I needed him to be there. It’s Friday, so it’s been six days since I’ve seen him. And every day, the pain in my chest gets worse, squeezing my heart so tight that sometimes it’s hard to breathe. Every day that I go without seeing him is another day that the string he has wrapped around my heart gets tighter. I keep waking each morning, expecting the pain to lessen, but it doesn’t, it only gets worse and worse, and I’m so fucking scared it’s going to eventually destroy me past the point of return. I’m scared his touch has ruined me for all other men.
“You look terrible, Abby.” Mrs. Morris walks up, telling me my nights of sporadic sleep is catching up with me. “Why don’t you head on home and get some rest. There’s only a couple more things that need to be done here, and I can take care of them.” Before I can protest, she holds up her hand. “Go, shoo. I’ve got it here.”
I smile tiredly. “Only if you’re sure…” She nods. “Okay. Thank you. I’ll see you Monday.”
I gather my things and wave good-bye to Mrs. Morris, my exhausted and pain-riddled body taking me to my car. I need to go shopping for food, but I just don’t have the energy for it today. My days are pretty much the same as they were before. During daylight hours, I still have the constant small nagging in my stomach that never really leaves me. It’s the nights that I have to fight tooth and nail, and deal with the unbearable pain.
An hour later, I’m sitting on my couch, staring at the wall across from me, my sandwich forgotten in my lap. Thoughts of Mrs. Maverick’s words keep playing over and over in my mind. Although I want to believe them so much, unless she’s walked in my shoes and knows the struggle I go through every day, there’s no way she can simply discount my problems as easily as she makes it to be. Unfortunately, my situation is impossible. There’s no simple solution to my problem. There is no getting around it, to turn an impossible situation possible.
Tears gather in my eyes for what seems like the thousandth time in the last six days. I’m so tired of crying. I’m so tired of thinking of Colt, but it seems like it’s the only thing I do these days. There’s nothing I can do to wipe away our history from my mind. It’s taken over my life and my body, and I don’t know how to get back to my fucked-up kind of normal.
The pain in my stomach is steadily getting worse each minute I sit here, and I fear for when it gets to the point where I can’t handle it anymore. My body has been trembling for the past thirty minutes, but I’m trying my best to ignore it. The nausea and shivers haven’t started yet, thank God, but I know it’s coming. It always does.
My phone chirps beside me on the couch. Picking it up, I see Nathan’s name on the screen.
“Hey,” I answer tiredly. He’s been a godsend, and the person that’s saved my sanity the last few days.
“How ya doing?”
I pick at the edges of my now stale turkey and American cheese sandwich.
“I’m good,” I tell him, then wince when it comes out shaky.
Stupid fucking body.
“I’m going to be a bit late tonight,” he says hesitantly.
Panic is the first thing I feel. I can’t do this without him. I need him here with me. He’s my lifeline right now, and it scares me shitless to be here alone at night.
I’m so fucking pathetic. What happened to the girl that was strong and independent? The girl that didn’t need anyone for anything? Yes, I’ve depended on my friends before for certain… things, but never to the point where I don’t think I’ll survive if I don’t have them with me. I know it’s not the case, but I literally feel like I’m dying when the pain takes over.
I close my eyes and draw in a deep breath, trying to push the panic down. Once I’m reasonably sure I’ve got myself under control, I tell Nathan, “Okay. I’ll be here when you get here.”
Obviously, my reasonably assured mind isn’t working properly, because Nathan knows right away I’m on the verge of a near anxiety attack.
“It’s only for about an hour, okay, Abby?” He tries to soothe me, but it doesn’t work. Nothing will work unless he’s here. I hate myself for being so damn weak.
“I’ll be there as quickly as I can. I’m going to call Tegan and see if he can stop by and sit with you until then.”
“No!” I say loudly, before pulling myself together and lowering my voice. It’s bad enough that Nathan sees me like this. I don’t want to add to the list of people. Tegan and Ava have seen me at my worst before, but this time is different. “I-I’ll be fine until you get here. Just… please, hurry.”
“I will, I promise. Just do what you’ve been doing. You can do this, Abby. I know you can. I’ll be there before it gets too bad.”
I’m glad he has faith in me, because I sure as hell don’t. But I’ll try. I’ll try so fucking hard. That’s all I can do.
Minutes later we hang up, and I carry my sandwich and dump it into the trash. I walk agitatedly around the house and try to think of other things besides the building pressure in my stomach and sharp pain in my chest.
It takes everything in me to not call Colt. Over the course of six days, I’ve caught myself numerous times with my finger hovering over his name on my phone. I’ve stayed strong and haven’t called him, but it’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I want nothing more than to call him and hear his voice, and beg him to come to me. Not only to relieve the pain, but mostly because I want to see him. Even if he doesn’t touch me, I want him near me. Being in his presence somehow calms something in me. He’s the only one that’s been able to fully satisfy my body, and the only one to calm the emotional war that’s always waging in my head and heart. I miss him so much more than I ever thought I would. I thought my life had felt empty before I met him, but that was nothing compared to the hollow feeling I feel now. I desperately want him back, but I refuse to put my burdens on him. He doesn’t deserve that. He deserves someone whole, someone that won’t leave him in a constant worry.
I grab my phone on my pass back through the living room and pull up his name. Just seeing his name has my heart lurching. I can’t even delete his number to help with my need to call him, because I’ve looked at it so many times that it’s now ingrained in my brain.
I jump when my phone starts ringing, and for a second, I hope with everything that I am it’s him. There’s no way I would be able to not answer it if it was.
Disappointment and relief fill my senses when I see my sister’s name. I’m not really in the mood to talk to her, but I need a distraction.
“Hey, Neen.” I drop into a chair at the kitchen table and lay my forehead down on the cool surface. My body heat is starting to rise.
“Mom’s starting to worry. Why aren’t you answering her calls?”
I groan and ban
g my head on the table. I don’t need this shit right now. She started calling me three days ago, and I’ve ignored her each time, too worried she’ll know something’s wrong by my voice.
“What’s going on with you, Abby?” Nina asks, worry evident in her tone.
“Nothing. I just have a lot going on right now with my classes,” I say. It eats at my insides every time I have to lie to my family.
Nina isn’t convinced, but she never is. The girl has always been too smart for her own good, and can always tell when I’m lying. Luckily, after years of trying to get me to open up and failing, she finally gave up. She knows how stubborn I can be.
“You’re lying,” she says bluntly. I clench my jaw and hold back my bitchy remark. We’re only as close as I’ll allow, but we still carry a tight bond, even if it has to be hundreds of miles away.
“No need to state the obvious, Neen. But what’s wrong with me has nothing to do with y’all. Please, just let Mom know I’m okay, and I’ll call her in a few days. I just need time to work through something.”
“Why won’t you ever let us in, Abby?” My heart cracks more at her sad words. “Ever since you left, you’ve shut us out. I’ve never understood why you left so abruptly. Mom and Dad worry about you all the time. You know we would be there for you, no matter what. It’s time you give up this stupid idea of pushing us away and let your family be there. We love you.”
And there goes more fractures to my heart. “None of you would understand,” I tell her sadly.
“How can you know that? We sure as shit won’t understand if you won’t give us the chance.”
A hysterical laugh bubbles up in my chest, but it falls when a sob escapes instead.
“Believe me, I know you wouldn’t understand. I’m not right, Neen. I’ll never be right. I have… things going on that none of you could ever grasp.”
“That’s not fair of you to keep us away, Abby. It’s been eight years. We’re you’re family. Even if we can’t understand whatever it is you’re going through, we’d still be there for you.”
