I chose to wear my cassock today as reminder of who and what I am. Maybe the tangible clothing will help my rampant desire. I run my fingers through my hair and then turn to the door when I hear the soft knock. Likely Sister Louisa here to bust my balls over how slow she thinks the restoration is going. The slower the better to me. Then Julia will be here longer. I stand and open the door, stepping back in surprise.
“Buon giorno, Diego.”
I smile. “Morning, Julia. How are you today?”
“Good. I brought you a pastry.” She hands me a bag. “They just put them out, and they smelled so good I thought you might like one.”
“I would. Thank you.” I take the bag and peek into it. “Looks great.”
“I should get to work.”
“Come in for a moment.”
She steps inside my office as I close the door. “A cassock today? Is there mass or confession?”
I shake my head as I watch her as she glances around the room, running her hand over papers and books. She doesn’t seem to expect an answer.
“It’s nice in here.”
“Thank you.” I walk closer. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yes. You?”
“No. I have a lot on my mind.”
“What do you normally do to relax?”
“Pray. Read. Think.”
“Did you try that?”
“Yes.” I set the bag on my desk. “I can’t get you out of my head.”
“Do you want to?”
“I’m not sure.”
She glances down for a moment. “When I got home, I didn’t know what to do either. My body longed to be close to you again.”
“I can relate.”
“So I lied in my bed and imagined us making love.”
“Julia…”
“It was amazing.”
“Did you…” I swallow hard from the thought. “Did you touch yourself?”
She nods. “I did. With a big pink vibrator.”
I exhale sharply. “Did it feel good?”
“Oh yes, but I imagine it didn’t feel as good as you would.” She gazes up at me through thick eyelashes. “The fantasy was nice though.”
“Maybe that’s what I should have done.”
“Touched yourself?” She steps closer. “Imagined we were making love?”
“Yeah.” I take a step toward her until barely an inch separates us. I can see down the front of her blouse to the top of her cleavage. “Fantasies can be good.”
“But I haven’t figured out if it relieves the tension or just makes me want it more.”
“Neither have I.”
Julia reaches up and wraps her arms around my neck, pressing her breasts into my chest. “If that’s all I can have, then I guess I have be happy with that.”
I study her face for a moment. “You are so beautiful. So sexy. You make me want things I haven’t wanted in a very long time. Things I shouldn’t want.”
“Shouldn’t? Because of some man made rule? There’s nothing wrong with attraction. There’s nothing wrong with wanting intimacy and love and sex.”
“There is for me.”
She smiles, letting her hands slide down my arms. “I told you I was trouble. I told you I would throw myself at you.”
“Is that what you’re doing?”
“I was about to.”
“How?”
She searches my eyes for a moment before rising up and kissing me softly on the lips. “I would start with that.”
My dick twitches under my cassock. “This isn’t the place.”
“I know. I have to go to work and you…” She looks around. “I know. Is there a good place for me to kiss you again? Because if there is, I’ll go there.”
“Do you want to see me again tonight?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll come to you.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
I lean forward and kiss her forehead. “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
Julia brushes her fingers over my check. “Me neither. We’ll figure it out as we go.”
I nod. “Thank you for stopping by.”
“You’re welcome, Father Montesanto.” I exhale slowly. “What?”
“Something in your delivery of my name is… intoxicating. Intimate.”
“Intoxicating, huh?” She grabs my hand and lifts it to her lips, kissing softly. “Just like you. I’ll see you later.”
“You will. Have a good day.”
“I will now.”
She leaves and I slump in my chair. What am I doing? Being alone with her is a very bad idea. I was seconds away from kissing her. My eyes focus on the bulge between my legs. She barely touched me and I’m rock hard. I try to adjust my slacks, but my hand moves to my dick, rubbing softly. I shouldn’t do this. I should pray or take a walk or hell, a shower, but instead I reach under my cassock and into my slacks. Gripping my cock in my hand, I move my hand up and down the shaft. I close my eyes and see Julia’s face, her soulful eyes and sensual mouth whispering my name. I throw my head back, fisting my cock furiously as I imagine her naked body and me touching, kissing, licking everything. Cum shoots out and down my hand as I exhale sharply. After a moment I open my eyes astonished at what I did. Here.
After cleaning myself up, I pick up my phone and dial. He answers after two rings.
“Father Cristof speaking.”
“It’s me. Diego. I need to talk.”
“You sound terrible. Are you okay?”
“No. Not okay. Can I come see you?”
“Now?”
“Yes.”
“Must be serious. I’ll be available at ten.”
“I’ll be there. Thank you.”
“Sure.”
I hang up and sit back in my chair. If I have any chance of getting through this I’m going to need advice. I exit my office and walk into the sanctuary. Julia is already working and her and Erika are laughing about something. She’s not aware of me yet, which is nice. I can just watch her. I spot Sister Louisa and walk over to tell her I’m stepping out for a few hours. Julia’s eye catches mine and I smile. She smiles back, appearing innocent and sweet and not at all like the seductive woman that keeps threatening to jump me. Such a contrast. I hurry out of the church to meet the only person I can trust with this situation.
Out back I hop in my car to make the short trip to the next town over. It takes me fifteen minutes to pull into the church parking lot. I walk inside, glancing around the dark church until I hear my name.
“Diego.”
I look down the hall to see Cristof. “Hi. Thanks for seeing me on short notice.”
“Of course. Do you need to speak privately?”
“Definitely.”
“Alright. We’ll go to my office.”
“Thanks.” I follow him down the hall and into his office where I sit on the couch. I wring my hands, unsure of where to begin.
“What’s going on, Diego? I’ve never seen you like this.”
“Remember the girl I told you about that I met ten years ago.”
“Julia. Of course.”
“She’s here.”
Cristof pulls his head back. “Here? What do you mean?”
“She’s in my church. She’s part of the team restoring the frescoes.”
“Small world, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“You seem very agitated by her presence.”
“I still have feelings for her.”
“I believe we both already knew that.”
“But it was hypothetical before.”
Cristof sits in the chair in front of me. “Am I understanding that you’re having trouble managing your feelings for her?”
“I almost kissed her.” I run my fingers through my hair. “I asked her to see me tonight. She kissed me and I let her.”
“Okay.”
“I, um, I let my lust get the best of me, and I, um, I masturbated in my office.”
His eyes open wide. “In your church?”
/> “Yeah. I’m really messed up.”
“Okay, let’s slow down a little. Have you told her how you feel?”
“Not directly, but it’s obvious. I can’t stay away from her, Cristof. I don’t know what to do. It’s like she’s a magnet, and I’m just constantly drawn to her.”
“I see.”
“I want to be a good priest. I am a good priest.”
“You are.”
“But Julia…” I look up. “She reminds of everything I once wanted. It’s within my grasp again. But having her means leaving everything else.”
“Are you seriously considering leaving the priesthood?”
“No.” I lean back. “I want both.”
“It doesn’t work that way.”
“I know. That’s why I’m here. What do I do?”
“I don’t know that I can tell you. My advice would be to examine your conscience. Truly and honestly. Try to understand if you are suffering temporary emotions of lust or if you would be willing to walk away from your calling to be with her. Only you can answer those questions.”
“What would you do?”
“I would keep my distance. This is a potentially dangerous situation you find yourself in. One slip could change your life. Women can be very tempting. This isn’t the first time a woman has sought your attention. It won’t be the last.”
“She doesn’t seek my attention. She commands it. She’s always had it.”
“Is your devotion to Julia stronger than your devotion to God?”
“Why does it have to be one or the other?”
“You know the answer to that. We chose this life, Diego. It is a privilege to serve our Lord and Father above. His love far exceeds that any woman could give.”
“I know.”
“You are suffering from a moment of weakness. We all have them. A beautiful woman can be extremely alluring. I have faced this temptation myself.”
“How did you get over it?”
“I prayed a lot. I focused on my duties. I avoided her.”
“It worked?”
“Eventually, yes. It is not easy, but it can be done if you want it. Just be careful and think before you act.”
“Right. Okay. I can do that.”
“I would not recommend spending alone time with her. That is a recipe for disaster.”
“Good point.”
“Do you feel better now? Clearer?”
I nod. “Yes. Yes, thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Diego.” He stands and pats my shoulder. “You’re strong enough to
overcome this. Keep me posted and don’t hesitate to call if you need to talk.”
“I appreciate it.”
Now all I have to do is figure out how to cancel plans with Julia.
Chapter Three
Julia
I pace my living room looking out the window several times for Diego realizing I have no idea what time he’s coming and no way to call him.
“Girl, you’re a mess. Sit down and have some wine.”
I glance at Erika sitting on the couch and holding a glass of red out for me. “What if he doesn’t come? What if he changed his mind? What do I say then?”
“Why are you planning for the worst?”
“It’s almost nine o’clock.”
“Things kick off later in Italy. Maybe he got tied up doing something at work.”
“At work.” I roll my eyes. “Like it’s not a church.” I stand up and walk to the window again and then look back at my friend. “There’s no way this is working out. No way. We can’t just ignore it, and the more time we spend together, the harder it’s gonna be to stop.”
“Truth.”
“So it’s pointless. I should just tell him we can’t hang out alone anymore. Don’t you think?”
“Come here, Julia.” She pats the cushion next to her. “Sit down.”
I join her on the couch. “What?”
“I don’t know the answer here or what the right thing to do is, but I personally think it would really hurt if you said you didn’t want to see him anymore.”
“But isn’t that kind of hurt better than falling in love with someone you can never have?”
“Maybe. This is a tough one.”
“Yeah.” We both look up at the sound of the knock. “He came.”
“Yep. I’ll be in my bedroom.”
“Thanks.”
I walk over and open the door. Diego looks distraught as a frown creases his gorgeous face. He doesn’t look happy at all. “Are you okay?”
“Can I come in?”
“Of course.”
He walks past me and sits on the couch while I close the door. He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees and focusing on the floor.
“Diego?”
“I was going to cancel tonight.”
“Why?”
“I was counseled today and he said being alone with you was a recipe for disaster.” He gazes up at me. “He said to protect myself I should just stay away from you.”
“I see.” I walk over and sit in the chair across from him.
“So I sat in my bedroom and I thought about looking into your beautiful eyes and telling you that even though you’re the most important person to me, even though my attraction for you is overwhelming, even though the only time I genuinely smile is when I think of you, I couldn’t see you anymore. I couldn’t spend time with you or eat dinner together or hold your hand.”
“Okay.”
“I stood up to come and tell you that over an hour ago. It sounds so easy and logical doesn’t it? I’m a priest. I can’t commit to you or promise you anything or make love to you, but the more I thought of saying those words, the sicker I felt.”
“Oh.”
“Even though it should be easy and logical, it’s not. I can’t stay away from you. I don’t want to.”
“Diego…”
“I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be telling you any of this. I don’t know what to do about it, but I know that I had to see you, and I had to ask you for something.”
“What is it?”
“Will you let me hold you? Will you just lie in my arms for as long as you can stand it?”
“Yeah, Diego. I’ll do that.” I stand and walk over to him, extending my hand. “Let’s go to my room.”
He nods, taking my hand and letting me lead him down the hall to my bedroom. Once inside he kicks off his shoes and climbs in my bed. I do the same, crawling into his arms. I lie my head on his chest and he strokes my hair.
“Do you want to talk about anything?” I ask.
“No.”
I tilt my head up to see his face. “It’s okay. We can just be quiet.”
His eyes search mine and I watch as slowly he lowers his head, pressing his lips to mine. It’s a sweet kiss and over too quickly. He pulls back slightly, enough to make eye contact.
“Why am I so drawn to you?” He whispers his question. “Ten years ago and now.”
“I don’t know, but I’m glad. I’m sorry it’s hard for you, but I love this right now.”
“The only thing that isn’t hard for me is being with you. It’s just the consequences that are hard.”
“I would never tell anyone.”
“God knows. My vows are to Him. No mortal.”
I nod. “I understand.”
“I know you do.”
I study his face, torn between two worlds. I don’t have the heart to push him to kiss me again. “Let’s just be quiet. No more talking. When we talk, we always end up going there.”
“Yeah, we do.”
“So we’ll just lie here and we’ll pretend for a little while that this is our life and this is what we can do any time we want. And I won’t kiss you. And you won’t kiss me. We’ll just lie here. Pretending.”
Diego gazes down at me. “We’ll just lie here.”
∞∞∞
In the morning I open my eyes to find Diego watching me. “Morning.”
He
smiles. “Morning, Angel. I was just about to leave.”
“What time is it?”
“Four. You can go back to sleep.”
I nod, stretching slightly. “Thanks for staying.”
“It was my pleasure. Truly.” He pinches my chin. “I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah.”
He climbs out of bed, kissing the top of my head, and walks out of the bedroom. I quickly drift back to sleep, hoping my sweet dreams of Diego return before I have to face reality.
The next time I open my eyes it’s when my alarm is clanging in my ear. I hit my phone to turn it off and drag myself out of bed. In the shower, I let the hot water wash over me, wishing it could clean away the desire that sticks to me like humidity. Could it clear Diego out of my mind? Could anything?
An hour later, Erika and I are walking to the church. She nudges my arm. “You okay?”
I nod. “Yeah. Being friends is hard.”
“I bet.”
“If it’s okay, I don’t really want to talk about it right now.”
“Of course it’s okay. I’m here when you need me.”
“Thanks.”
We enter the church and as I walk to my station, I see a small bag sitting there with a note.
A pastry to start your day. DM
Erika peeks over my shoulder. “What is it?”
“A pastry.” I smile. It’s a sweet gesture. I set it down and start unpacking my tools to start my day. The church is still quiet, which suits my mood. I look up when Sister Louisa and Diego enter the area. He smiles and I nod, but look away.
“Julia?”
I look up. “Hi, Father.”
“Hi.” He kneels down to my level, glancing over his shoulder. “I know this is hard for you. It is for me too.”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“I just want to thank you for what you did last night.”
I tilt my head. “What I did?”
“Letting me hold you like that.” He clears his throat. “Even though physically it was challenging, emotionally it was perfect. I don’t think I knew how much I needed to hold you.”
I smile softly. “It was nice.”
“You seem sad, and I know it’s my fault.”
“It’s not. It’s fate or destiny or God. We weren’t allowed to be together ten years ago, and we’re not now. I don’t know why. It seems unfair really, but it is what it is.” I pat his arm. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
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