by E. Earle
I was back at stage one.
My family were worried about me, and it was making me anxious. It burnt at my back, making me jump with their phone calls, their knocking, their tip toeing around. They wanted me to get better faster.
They didn’t like what I had become, and I didn’t either. My mother said she wanted to understand. She wanted me to tell her everything. I allowed Calloway to take her call and explain everything. I couldn’t do it. She could read what happened in the newspapers if she liked.
“I’ll tell you one day, mum,” I promised.
Except about the talking cat.
I didn’t want to go to the nutty farm. I started to pretend I was getting better. Writing false emails to my parents that I was ok. I dodged calls from Calloway, pretending I wasn’t in when he knocked. My hair grew longer, my nail varnish chipped, my roots darkened again and the food was always out of date in my fridge.
Emily sent me postcards, which was nice. They were the only colourful thing in my kitchen, held up by magnets on the fridge. She was having a great time with her sister, and had even made some friends. Her sister was coming back this month, but she was going to carry onto Thailand with the people she had met.
I was happy for her, and braved Facebook one day to send her a message. I had about a hundred notifications and hundreds of messages, but I ignored them all. A moment of insanity came to me and I clicked on Ben’s Facebook Page.
It was my undoing.
A bottle of rum later, I passed out of the floor, seeing ginger flashes everywhere.
Sometimes I drank just to fall asleep. It was too difficult without. I would lie awake else, my eyes staring at the ceiling, playing over the same scenes over and over again. My Granddad was sitting in his chair again. No Shezzi and no Ben.
“Nan misses you,” I told him.
He smiled. “Well what is she doing? I’m around!”
“She says she can’t see you.”
He winked at me then, dropping crumbs from a biscuit onto his cardigan. “She’s not looking in the right places, Ellena. And neither are you.”
Not looking in the right places?
I stared at his cardigan, knowing that it was currently in my wardrobe in my room. I had only owned it for two months before I lost a button. I still felt guilty about it.
“You’re not looking in the right places, Ellena.”
Right place.
A taxi drove me to St Wildred’s at 8:43 in the morning. I was still drunk and the taxi driver was too polite to say anything. I wasn’t too drunk however to wait for my five pound change.
The bells were ringing for service- the only inclination I had that it was Sunday. I winced at the sound and trudged my way to the other side of the church yard, minding the bluebells as I went.
How many times had I taken this walk over the years? How many times had I taken the same route, criss crossing around graves, careful not to step on anyone? How many times had I found flowers to put in strangers’ flower vases, sad that no one cared enough to come back? How many times had I cried here, laughed here, read here, and mourned here?
I looked up at the grey skies, glorifying in that sight of charcoal, layers of smudges overlapping each other. I was hungry for that shade of red in this world.
That’s when I saw him.
My body froze, heart pumped, blood pounding.
“Ben?”
People talk about the world standing still all the time, and I suppose it’s different for everyone. But for me, everything really did stop.
And then started back again in one painful blink.
The flash of ginger moved so fast it took a further second to realise it was coming straight for me.
I dropped my bag just in time to catch the ball of fur that clung onto my chest, claws digging into skin, confirming the dream.
I fell to my knees and started to cry.
A pain so fierce slashed into my core and left again, and I realised what it was- relief. It flooded into me, chasing after the pain, heating up the coldness within and making my limbs useless. That part of me that had been missing was suddenly lodged back in place.
The congregation started to mill into the church, staring at the strange woman hugging her cat. But I didn’t care. Everything had become ok in one agonising moment of joy. I realised then, that I felt as though my soul had been shoved back into my body. It hurt. It hurt so badly. All that joy that had been starved from my body heaved back in one agonising heap of breath.
Thank you, God. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I walked with him over to my Granddad’s grave and sat down, clinging to him hard as he purred in my arms, terrified to let go.
“I’ve been waiting here for ages,” Ben meowed, licking my chin. “What took you so long?”
“What?” I looked at the flowers on the grave before me and found a little nest. Touching it, I found it still warm. “How did you get here?”
He meowed again and rubbed his face on my neck.
“How Ben? I’ve been so worried!”
“You don’t need to know, my silly human,” he purred, “but know that I’ve missed you.”
I searched him then all over for injuries and found none. “You were gone,” I said finally, tears making my skin sting.
“No I wasn’t,” he said simply. “I was always there.”
“What? I looked everywhere!”
“And now you’ve found me.”
I shook my head, never thinking I was going to find the answer.
“You need to accept that sometimes things happen that can’t be explained,” Ben said, flicking his tail. “Sometimes the explanation just doesn’t exist. There’s light and dark, Ellena, and you went into a place where I couldn’t follow, but could only wait the other side. You had to bring yourself out of that.”
“Does that mean we can start our lives now?”
“Yes.”
I picked him up then, all of that black running away from me. I leant over my Granddad’s headstone and kissed it.
“Love you, Granddad.”
When I got home, I decided to take the U.C.W up on its offer of new employment. I also called my parents and said that yes, I would like to come to Australia, with Ben’s blessing.
Emily had come back from travelling and she moved into the flat to look after Ben. He wasn’t too happy at first, until he learnt she was bringing her female cat Juniper with her.
Then one day, as I was packing, I realised something as I watched Ben groom himself.
“Ben?” I said.
No answer.
“Ben?” I rolled my eyes. “Benedict?”
“Yesssss?”
“Since when did you get your balls back?”
He paused his grooming. “They were a gift,” he said, jumping from the sofa, tail high in the air. “And if you think you’re chopping them off, you’ve got another thing coming!”
Before I could question him, there was a knock on the door. I opened it and saw Calloway.
“Oh, hi,” I said, suddenly aware that my hair was a mess and I was wearing a Game of Thrones T-shirt. “How are you?”
“Good,” he said. He paused then, looking uncomfortable, scanning me quickly up and down. “You’re looking well.”
“Do you want to come in?”
“Sure.”
I walked back into the house and put the kettle on, tidying the kitchen in a hurry before he walked in. “Tea?”
“Please.” He cleared his throat and walked in behind me, ceasing my pretend cleaning. “You going somewhere?”
“Oh, Australia,” I said. “But just for a month or so,” I quickly added, seeing his expression of disappointment.
“Oh, good.” He cleared his throat again. God, why did he look so nervous? “I err, I read the papers,” he said. “I hear you have your cat back. Miracle that.”
I raised my eyebrows in agreement. “I know. Crazy, huh?”
Ben walked in then, rubbing himself against Calloway’s leg. The detective a
bsently stroked him and started talking about how Ben must have walked from Stratford. It was the same story the newspapers had mused. Whether it was true, I don’t know, but the fact that Ben had mysteriously grown balls over the time we were apart- that was purely divine intervention.
“My mate Emily is going to be staying here while I’m gone to look after Ben,” I explained to Calloway. “But feel free to pop in anytime.”
He nodded, still looking anxious. “Ok. Look, I, err, I wanted to ask you if...”
I frowned at him, watching him scratch the back of his neck until it finally dawned on me.
“I was wondering if...”
Ben meowed loudly.
“Ben, shut up,” I snapped.
“I had best go,” Calloway said suddenly, looking at his watch. “I can see now’s not a good time anyway. Maybe I’ll see you when you come back?”
“Oh... ok,” I said, disappointment seeping in.
Ben meowed again.
Calloway stared at him again. “That cat looks different to when the last time I saw him,” he said slowly.
I raised an eyebrow tiredly. “Yeah, he’s got more bollocks than what he did before.”
Calloway left before I could tell what he was going to say. I watched him through the curtains as he walked to his parked car outside, shaking his head. He glanced up briefly, catching me staring. I jumped back, shoving the curtain back in place. By the time I glanced back, he was already driving away.
Ben promised me that he wouldn’t go anywhere and to be here when I returned. The flight to Perth was exhausting, but I was so happy to see my parents when I got there. I had been to Australia before but that had been Queensland. It was just wonderful spending very day in the sun with my mother, talking about the future, my job, Rowan- men.
I thought of Calloway a lot when I was away. He was a nice guy- not to mention he had saved my life. Sometimes I had nightmares about Rino. I would wake sweating, but would tell myself it was because of the Australian heat and nothing to do with the twisted perp that had tried to shoot me and set Emily alight.
I sent Emily postcards and posted them to her and Ben, asking Emily to read them out to him as well. She sent me a message via Facebook, telling me that he and Juniper were getting on very well- sometimes too well. She was having trouble keeping them apart and was planning on taking Juniper to the vets to be neutered.
Good thing too. I supposed Ben was a bit keen to try out his new balls.
I dreamt of Granddad often, but they were always nice dreams. I had a few emails from the college, telling me of their plans for the course. I managed to draft up a few plans, having everything I needed in Australia to plan the course- namely the internet, I promised to be back for enrolment, but a month passed after another and soon the time was coming closer.
One night, I got drunk and I told my dad how much I loved him.
“I want you to know how much I appreciate you,” I slurred. It was ok being drunk, because we all were. Mum was in the kitchen, cutting up some cheese for crackers and getting another bottle of wine for us all. “You,” I said pointing a finger to him, “are the best.”
He gave me a cuddle and told me how proud he was of me. I was amazed then at how far I had come.
“Listen, we’re thinking of spending another year here and then coming back,” he said.
“Why?” I asked, almost choking on the newly poured wine.
“Because your mother and I want to spend more time with you and the rest of the family,” he said, mum sitting next to him.
“Rowan is our first grandson. We want to be there,” mum added. “Plus, we want to be there when you make those steps in your life.”
My eyes widened. “I’m not having a baby, mum!” I laughed, “Not yet anyway- I haven’t even got a boyfriend-”
“Yeah well,” my dad said, stuffing some cheese into his mouth. “I reckoned that detective was sweet on you.”
They both laughed then at my evident blush.
“I reckon you should write a book on your life, Ellena,” Andy laughed. “You don’t need the fantasy of Lord of the Rings- your story is enough.”
“Andy, I would have done anything for Gandalf in those moments,” I said jokingly.
A second’s laughter passed and suddenly I realised I had said the wrong thing. My mother burst into tears, and soon I was hugging her, apologising.
“It’s not that, Ellena,” she sobbed. “I’m just so proud of you.”
Andy clenched my arm hard and nodded, tears shining in his own eyes. “We both are.”
It was hard saying goodbye, but not as hard as it would have been if I hadn’t have known they were planning on coming back. I was exhausted when I arrived back at Birmingham airport, but not enough to forget I had an amazing tan. My hair had lightened and grown longer- finally to a length that my Granddad would have approved of, and I had gained some much needed weight. I looked good, but most of all, I felt it in my bones.
My sister came to pick me up, and I am ashamed to say I cried as soon as I saw her with Rowan.
“God, he’s grown so much!”
Kayleigh had lost weight and it suited her. “He keeping you up?”
She nodded at me with raised eyebrows. “Something like that.”
We talked about Australia and pretty much everything in between. I would be lying if I said I didn’t fall asleep in the car. When I woke we were outside my flat. I was excited to see Ben when I walked up the steps to my door, and boy was I in for a surprise.
“Hi everyone!” I called opening the door.
Emily was sitting on the sofa, looking incredibly nervous. She jumped up and ran over to me to take my bags. “Hello! Did you have a good time?”
“Yeah, it was brilliant thanks- ooft!” A ball of orange fur jumped into my chest and I laughed as Ben started meowing in my ear. “Awww, I missed you too,” I said. “Phew, I’m knackered.”
I had a cup of tea and cuddled Emily’s very fat cat Juniper. I was surprised that Ben wasn’t jealous and thought it was quite nice when he cuddled up next to us.
We watched the end of Only Fools and Horses and sat together in easy silence. I asked her how things had been since she had moved in the spare room, and she said she had really enjoyed it.
“It’s much better than getting a bus every day into town for work,” she admitted. “I was actually thinking of getting myself a flat in the town centre.”
“Yeah? Well, I’m thinking of moving out of this one,” I said, not even aware I was thinking that until I said it. “You can have this one if you want to.”
“What? Really? Why? Are you?”
Emily’s questions threatened to boggle my already strained mind. “Um, yeah, I think... I think it’s time for a fresh start for me and Ben.” I paused. “I think a new flat would be good. I’m getting a new job in the summer term, which will be better pay.”
“Oh brilliant,” breathed Emily. “I’m thinking of settling as well. I was going to go back to Thailand with my friends but... I’m still thinking about it.”
I yawned and stretched, glad for normal conversation. “I think I’m gonna go to bed.”
I awoke the next day, showered and decided to clean the house. Emily had moved out and taken her cat, although still acting a bit weird.
“Finally!” expelled Ben. “How are you? Did you have a good time? I missed you! Feed me!”
He got his wish, his favourite whiskers meal, lots of cuddles and I even brushed his coat out for him. He purred as I continued to clean the house. It was June and pretty warm, so I was wearing my short shorts and an oversized pink t shirt that came over one shoulder. For the first time I felt “fixed”. I even put the radio on as I cleaned and started singing. Ben joined in as well, until I was sure we were causing a huge racket.
It was long until the neighbours started banging on the door.
“Whoops!” I said, turning down the radio a touch and running to the door. “Sorry! Was I too-”
Callo
way stood outside the door, hands in pockets. He gawked at me for a second and then quickly regained his composure.
“Um, hi,” he said, in a smart black suit. “I finished work early and thought I would see if you were in.”
“I am indeed.”
“You look well.”
“I’m feeling well,” I grinned. “Tea?”
“Thanks.”
It felt different this time letting him inside the house after everything. I felt more confident somehow. I was different, I had evolved, become stronger, wiser- harder. I had stared into death and survived. Now I was staring at Calloway, I found my lips dry. He looked good. He had a bit more colour to his face and smelt deliciously like mint and man.
I walked into the kitchen, Calloway close behind me.
“Listen, I think we might be out of tea,” I said turning round, “but we have-”
The next thing I knew, Calloway’s lips were on mine and my back was against the fridge. His hands pulled me hard against him, my body surrendering in surprise.
“I don’t care about the tea,” he said, pulling away momentarily.
“I don’t either,” I answered, and hauled him back.
For a while, I allowed myself to get swept away in the moment. My insides heated up and flared, filling my body with a need that I hadn’t felt for a long time. I pressed my body against his and then, to my horror, I started to giggle.
I opened my eyes, and was surprised to see him smiling.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
“You took your time.”
He had the grace to look embarrassed for a moment. “It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long while,” he admitted. “I’ve been kicking myself over not asking you out ever since you left for Australia. I thought you weren’t going to come back.”
“You want to ask me out on a date?”
He kissed me again as answer.
Things after that got pretty good. I started dating Detective Calloway and I had started my first term as Head of Creative Writing. I appointed a team of local writers who started going to schools to deliver the Creative Writing Course I designed with brilliant results, not to mention I had moved back to the village my sister lived in. It was nice seeing Rowan grow up every day, with Ben at my feet. I finally had my car back from my uncle, and Ben, when he wasn’t feeling too lazy, came with me to work- I had that drafted in my contract. Sounds ridiculous? That’s what happens when the cat saves the day. We had it covered over “therapy animal”, which was true in a way. He kept me calm and focused- not to mention he was perfect for causing distractions when I needed to buy time.
