The woman who had observed me from the window was indeed Lesley’s lawyer. Her extensive face was pallid where it wasn’t thoroughly freckled, and almost surrounded by curly russet hair. Her thick red eyebrows stood so high that they appeared to have tugged her eyes wide, flattening any expression out of them. Her long nose gave a faint succinct sniff, and her thin pale lips stayed straight as she granted my hand a token shake. “Colleen Johns, Mr Sheldrake,” she said. “Did you find something of interest across the road?”
Lesley was already seated at one corner of the desk across which Colleen Johns was leaning. She might have resolved to hold her expression as neutral as the lawyer’s, because it didn’t change as I said “Just an embarrassed punter.”
“More men should feel that way. Please do sit down.” As I took the hard straight chair at the other forward corner of the desk, she said “You’re determined to control the proceedings, I hear.”
“I just want what’s best for my son.”
“He isn’t your personal property, Mr Sheldrake. Is that how you regard your wife as well?”
“Of course not, and obviously I meant our son,” I said and turned to Lesley. “If you recall, that’s how you talked about him recently yourself.”
“I hope we won’t be playing tit for tat, Mr Sheldrake. I’m getting the impression that you don’t care very much about the outcome.”
“There’s nothing I care more about just now. What on earth makes you say that about me?”
“I believe you were advised to instruct a lawyer of your own.”
“I don’t see the need. I’m still hoping we can work this out in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone.”
“Is that some kind of threat, Mr Sheldrake?”
“Lesley knows perfectly well it’s nothing of the kind.” I gazed at her, but her eyes stayed on the lawyer. “It’s exactly the opposite,” I said.
“Then I hope we can keep our language plain and clear. I’ll set out the position as we see it and you’ll have an opportunity to state your case. I have to tell you that we feel your treatment of your son amounts to child abuse.”
For as long as it took me to breathe in as hard as I could I felt close to losing all control, but regained enough calm to say “I can’t believe you think that, Lesley. Safe To Sleep, that’s where he’s being abused.”
“Harassing Mrs Sheldrake isn’t going to help your case. I take it you’re referring to the religious cult you heard of as a child.”
“Lesley’s told you all about that, has she? Yes, they’re behind the place our son was sent for treatment. Not just behind, involved in every aspect of it. Programming the children with everything the cult stands for, which I can’t believe either of us really wants.”
“I’m getting the impression that thinking you’re right is more important to you than the welfare of your child.” Without giving me time to reply the lawyer said “The court might conclude you’re making these accusations to divert attention from your own behaviour. It might assume you’ve heard about Satanic child abuse in the news.”
“This isn’t Satanic. It’s real and it’s worse,” I protested, and was about to dismantle her suggestion when she said “So in your mind that justifies harassing your son and his friends.”
“Just one friend, and I haven’t harassed anyone.” Though the lawyer raised her eyebrows to emphasise her skepticism, I managed to say only “I tried to question them about the treatment they’re receiving, that’s all.”
“I understand they were referred by a highly respected paediatrician.”
“Dominic’s convinced she’s a member of the cult.”
“Not just a member, and you know it, Lesley.” I saw no point in keeping quiet about it now. “One of the family that’s responsible for it,” I said.
“You’ve talked to the doctor about it, have you, Mr Sheldrake?”
“I have, and I promise you I’m not mistaken.”
“It seems to me you need to think you aren’t mistaken about anything. So may I ask what happened? You questioned a respected doctor and she told you she helps to run a secret cult?”
“She didn’t just admit it. She and her father boast about it.”
“Only to you, it seems.”
“That’s because they don’t think I can make a difference.”
“Which is why you’ve taken out your frustration on your family, in particular your son.”
“You know that’s not true, don’t you?” When Lesley didn’t look at me I leaned towards her. “Lesley,” I pleaded.
She didn’t even glance away from Colleen Johns, and might not have wanted me to hear her say “I don’t any more.”
“Kindly keep your distance, Mr Sheldrake. It looks to me as if you’re trying to bully your wife.”
“That’s not the case and Lesley knows it,” I said, sitting up on my chair like an obedient child. “I simply want to establish the truth.”
“Then perhaps you’ll allow me to sum it up and refrain from interrupting.”
“I haven’t interrupted yet.” I tried adding a laugh at having done so now, but it didn’t work even for me. “I’m listening,” I said.
“There’s no doubt in my mind that the court will grant Mrs Sheldrake a divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty and unreasonable behaviour.”
“Mental cruelty.” When this failed to prompt an answer I demanded “What mental cruelty?”
“You’ve been displaying it here, Mr Sheldrake.”
“That’s—” I stopped short of the scatological in order to appeal to Lesley. “Are you going to let her do all your talking?”
“Do you prefer women not to have a voice?” Colleen Johns said.
“It strikes me you only like yourself to have one. Lesley’s got plenty of one when she’s allowed to use it.”
“By whom, Mr Sheldrake?” Before I could reply the lawyer said “I’m giving her the voice she ought to have. Do you plan to interrupt throughout my submission?”
I hadn’t looked away from Lesley any more than she’d looked at me. “I’m listening,” I said, though my teeth kept some of it in.
“I’ll cite just a few instances of your behaviour. I’ve no idea what you meant to do when you ran your car off the road, but I should think you were lucky not to be prosecuted for dangerous driving. You could have injured any number of children, including your son. You certainly distressed them at a time when it could hardly have done them more harm.”
“You wanted to know what I meant to do.” I was still gazing at Lesley’s dogged profile in search of a response. “The car got out of control somehow,” I said, “but I was there because I was so concerned about our son.”
“You’re interrupting again, Mr Sheldrake, and I trust you aren’t trying to intimidate your wife.” When I turned to face the lawyer she said “Glare as much as you like. You won’t intimidate me.”
“I haven’t tried to intimidate anyone.”
“I’m afraid your family would disagree. You tried to force your son to confess to a theft Mrs Sheldrake is certain he never committed, didn’t you? I wonder if you were accusing him because you had to feel he was as guilty as you were. You couldn’t bear admitting that you nearly ran him over.”
Before I could start to refute this, Lesley twisted around on her chair. “And you made him feel you couldn’t bear to touch him, Dominic. That’s the end so far as I’m concerned. Explain it if you can.”
I opened my mouth at once, only to realise that any explanation I could give would make her think worse of me. “I need to let him know I didn’t mean that,” I said.
Perhaps this sounded like a plea, because both women looked determined to remain unmoved. “May we know whether you intend to contest the divorce?” Colleen Johns said.
“I’ll go along with whatever Lesley’s sure she wants.”
Though this felt like slyness posing as compromise, it was the best I could think of. The lawyer nodded as though I’d confirmed I didn’t care much, which provo
ked me to add “So long as we agree about Toby.”
“We’ll be applying for full custody, allowing you supervised access. And we’ll be seeking some financial recognition of Mrs Sheldrake’s trouble.”
Lesley blinked uncertainty into her eyes. “Is that necessary, Colleen?”
“The strain you’re under can’t have helped your work, Lesley. I wonder if it means you earned less than you should. And if childrearing duties haven’t been evenly divided, we should look for compensation there as well. I trust you see that’s fair, Mr Sheldrake.”
“I’ll do whatever Lesley thinks is right.”
“Please don’t respond to that now, Lesley. We need to discuss matters further.” In case this dismissal was insufficient Colleen Johns said “You’ll receive the appropriate forms within the next few days, Mr Sheldrake. Kindly complete and return them as soon as possible.”
I was already looking at Lesley. “What about Toby in the meantime?”
“Lesley, I’m strongly advising against contact till the situation has been finalised.”
“That’s how it has to be then, Dominic.”
“That’s what you think he’d want, is it?”
“I know he won’t want you making him feel he disgusts you somehow, and I’m not about to risk that. Nothing you can say will change my mind, so please don’t try.”
I saw the lawyer raise her hands from the desk and had a grotesque notion that she was going to applaud. They looked close to doing so when she pointed them at me, presumably indicating that the emptiness between them was all I could expect. I was heading for the door, burdened with a bid for dignity that felt sullen and dull, when Lesley said “Your friend rang, Dominic.”
I swung around to find her still facing the lawyer. “Which friend?”
“The female one. Roberta.”
“Is this something else I ought to know about, Lesley?” Colleen Johns said.
“Good God, you’re eager for material, aren’t you?” I protested. “She’s a lesbian.”
“Do you have some problem with that, Mr Sheldrake?”
“I haven’t even if you are. You’ve just heard she’s a friend.” When the lawyer’s face grew monumentally blank I said “What did she want, Lesley?”
“I wasn’t let into the secret. I gave her your number and I assume she’ll be in touch with you.”
I saw she was aggravating the lawyer’s suspicions, but it seemed to be yet another issue I couldn’t address without worsening the situation even further. “Thank you for that, anyway,” I said, which sounded like a reproach for everything else. As I let myself out of the room the receptionist looked primed to revive her frown. Flattened echoes of my footsteps toppled down the lift shaft, and I felt trapped in something like the metal cage, however insubstantial. I could only look forward to hearing from Bobby about Safe To Sleep. Just now she felt like my solitary hope.
17 - A Sign
“What’s wrong with your family, Dom?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” I said and gripped the receiver so hard that it gave a thin creak that sounded near to splintering. “What’s happened now?”
“You aren’t together.”
“Just that,” I said and managed to relax my aching hand. “Why, what did Lesley say had happened?”
“Not much. That’s to say she didn’t say much. She didn’t seem to want to, at least not to me. Only that you weren’t there any more.”
“For good, you mean.”
“I don’t think she quite said that,” Bobby told me, and I wondered if she was simply trying to lift my spirits. “Don’t you want to say what happened either?”
“Safe To Sleep did. Christian Noble did. Lesley won’t believe they’re any danger, or she thinks they’re doing Toby more good than harm. Now she won’t let me anywhere near him.”
“Dom, that’s bad. I hope I’ll be helping you sort it all out. Where are you living now?”
“Where we all used to live. I’m in my old house.”
“That must be,” Bobby said before editing her comment. “What is it like?”
“It feels as if I’m living backwards and losing the future I thought I had.”
“Dom.” Having loaded the diminutive with sympathy, she said “I wanted to let you know I’ve talked my way into Safe To Sleep, and they know who I am.”
“Who does?” When Bobby didn’t answer at once I grew more nervous. “How much do they know?”
“My column and my books. I didn’t mean they realise I’m involved with you. I’m sure they don’t, Dom.”
I couldn’t feel too reassured until I learned “Who have you met?”
“Phoebe Sweet and the children. Your son’s Toby, isn’t he? I’ve seen him.”
“How is he? Could you tell?”
“I’d have to say he was unsettled. Phoebe Sweet’s taking special care of him.”
I heard and felt the receiver creak again. “What kind of care?”
“Doing her best to help him have positive thoughts. He was telling her he has a friend’s birthday party tomorrow.”
“That’s right, Claudine’s.” It seemed to me that I ought to find the reminder useful, but just now I had to learn “What’s your view so far of Safe To Sleep?”
“I’m starting to have my suspicions, but do you mind if I don’t discuss them yet? I don’t like to talk about anything I’m going to write. That’s how we writers are.”
“I wouldn’t know any more.” Too late I realised that Bobby might have been thinking of her partner, and to leave my gaffe behind I said “How long do you think you’ll be there?”
“At least a few days. Would you like to meet while I’m so close?”
“I’d love to, you know that, but I wonder if we ought to risk being seen together.”
“Maybe that’s not so wise, but let’s try after I’ve finished my investigation. I can’t promise yet, but I think I may be able to watch some of their treatment sessions.”
The flare of hope I felt immediately gave way to apprehension. “Bobby, just be careful what that may involve.”
“Dom, I’ve told you they know all about me. They wouldn’t dare do much to anyone like that.” As I thought uneasily of Eric Wharton she said “I’d better go and get some writing done.”
She was gone as soon as we said our goodbyes. A click triggered the dialling tone, and I was about to hang up when I heard another sound. Perhaps it was static, but it suggested stealthy movement, and I could have imagined that someone who had been monitoring the call had tired of keeping still. “Hello?” I blurted, and silence fell at once.
I listened for some time without hearing anything further, and had to cut off the connection to make another call. After more rings than I thought were necessary for her to reach the phone anywhere in the house Lesley said “Hello, who is this?”
“It’s Dominic,” I felt as if she’d hoped for someone else, particularly since she didn’t answer. “Will Toby be at Claudine’s tomorrow?” I said.
“Why do you want to know?”
“Because I need to collect items from our house.”
“We’ll both be at Judith’s. We’ll be leaving about noon, so please don’t be any earlier. When you’ve taken all you’re taking, could you leave your keys? Colleen says I should ask you to.”
I might have said more if the mention of the lawyer hadn’t blocked the way. The call was hardly finished when I started to regret agreeing to the terms. How could I have been so ready to give up a chance of seeing my son? That night it was mostly my error that kept me awake, and I spent hours after breakfast trying to decide how soon to drive to Lesley’s—only Lesley’s now, except that it was Toby’s too. About noon could mean a little earlier, or at least I could take it that way, and I left the house not much after eleven. The car door gave the harsh squeak it had developed since the accident, and then I was on the road.
I was in sight of the family house when Lesley’s car nosed out of the drive. Glancing along the roa
d in search of traffic, she met my eyes at once. Her face wavered and immediately stiffened into blankness, a reaction that disconcerted me so much that I could only flash my headlights to prompt her to move. Toby leaned forward and gazed past her at me, and I was trying to make out his expression when he sat back. Was he too distressed to look at me, or hiding for some other reason? Lesley’s car swerved onto the road with a fierce screech of tyres, and I saw the backs of her and Toby’s heads shrink into the distance as if they were eager to leave me far behind.
I parked on the drive and let myself into the house, where I felt like an intruder. All the items Lesley and I had bought together—furniture, kitchen equipment, souvenirs of holidays with Toby and before he was born—seemed no longer to belong to me. Presumably we would have to decide the ownership of some of them, but just now they made the memories they represented feel attenuated, not much better than erased. When I collected the clothes I’d had no room for in my suitcases last time, I could scarcely bear to look at the bed I’d shared with Lesley, which loomed at the edge of my vision like a silent rebuke. I’d previously taken my computer last time, but now I returned to our workroom, from which I saw Toby’s ball on the lawn, grinning upside down at me like a clown’s ambiguous mask. I bore armfuls of reference books and magazines out to the car, and then I opened the drawer of my desk.
However desperate this was, I couldn’t help hoping to find my copy of Christian Noble’s journal. Perhaps that would mean I’d somehow overlooked it after all, or might Toby have put it back to deceive his mother? Dismayed by the suspicion, I was almost glad there was no sign of the journal. All the newspaper cuttings were still in the drawer, and so were my tales of the Tremendous Three. I hardly knew why I was bothering with those, but I found space for them on the back seat of the car. I had a final look around the house but didn’t feel encouraged to linger. I tugged the front door shut with the key I twisted in the mortice lock. For the duration of a long sigh that felt like giving up breath I wanted to keep hold of the keys, if only so as not to feel so cast out, and then I manoeuvred them off the ring and thrust them into the letterbox. I was rearranging books and magazines on the back seat when a car halted on the road, blocking the driveway. I was about to make my presence more apparent until I saw it was a police car.
Born To The Dark Page 19
