We had obviously found the base of his lair.
“So you want to challenge me?” he said, laughing. “You’re just a pathetic knob gobbler. How could you possibly expect to win against the likes of me?”
Wor—
“I know, I know,” I fumed at myself.
“So you admit it?” Rot asked, eyebrow raised.
“I was talking to myself,” I explained.
He squinted.
Then I thought the word Words purposefully and heard a ding.
“So, what exactly—” started Rot.
“Stuff it, you tiny rhino tit,” I spewed, “or I’ll grab your puny ass, shove a firecracker up it, and stick you on a birthday cake.”
He nodded slowly while grinning devilishly. “Nice.”
“Thanks,” I replied, surprised at myself. “So, are you going to accept my challenge or are you too much of a pussy?”
“Oh, I fully accept your challenge, skin flute.” He flew down in front of me and glanced at Turbo. “I’m assuming that gonad is going to be the ref?”
“That’s right,” Turbo spoke up.
He flew in between us as the rest of the pixies all spread out until they formed a circle around me, Turbo, and Rot. They then started chanting for about a minute, building a dome of green light that encased us.
“Okay,” Turbo said, clearing his throat. “Here’s the deal. Rot, since you were challenged, you get to choose the type of jokes in the Joke-Off.”
Rot looked me over, clearly studying me to see if he could spot my style of humor. I wasn’t much of a joke-teller, so it really didn’t matter which way he went with it.
“Sex jokes,” he announced, snapping his fingers. “I remember that his record says he’s a real horndog, so I’m guessing he knows at least one or two of them.”
Not really. Hopefully this Words thing could help me out or I was fucked.
“Wait,” I said as the realization of his selection struck me. “If you know I’m a horndog, why would you choose sex jokes?”
“He has to, Chief,” explained Turbo. “To do otherwise would show weakness.”
“Ah.” That seemed dumb, but I’d take whatever advantages I could get. “Okay, so now what?”
Turbo held up a finger and looked through the rules again.
“We have to pick what happens when one of us wins,” Rot answered for him. “And you call yourself a pixie,” he added while shaking his head dreadfully at my pixie. “You disgust me, Turdblow.”
“Right,” Turbo sighed. “You choose first, Chief.”
I nodded. “It can be anything?”
“Yes.”
“If I win,” I said slowly, “you have to stop doing all your crazy shit, shut down your stupid mob, and surrender.”
He shrugged and replied. “Easy enough. And if I win, you have to kiss my balls and then die.”
I grimaced.
“What?”
“You heard me, ball kisser,” Rot laughed.
“Man,” I said, unable to hide my look of disgust, “you guys are some warped little fuckers.”
Rot grinned. “Yep.”
Turbo turned off his data pad and tucked it into his uniform. Then he raised his hands and started swirling them around, creating a vortex that stood between me and Rot. It was like a tiny tornado made from dark cyan and black. It looked pretty cool, to be honest.
“The challenger will begin with a joke,” he announced. “If the opponent laughs, the challenger will be awarded one point. Then the opponent will return the volley with a joke of his own. If the challenger laughs, the opponent will gain a point. The first contestant to reach five points will win the match. Are there any questions?”
I had one: Where the hell was I going to get any jokes that were worth a shit?
But I shook my head instead.
Turbo slashed his hand straight down and called out, “Then let the Joke-Off begin!”
CHAPTER 30
I sat there staring at Rot for about a full minute, not saying a word.
“So,” I thought directly, “are you going to give me a joke or what?”
“Me?” replied The Admiral. “I don’t have any jokes, dude.”
“No, not you. I was talking to Words.”
“Oookay.”
Suddenly, I felt the desire to speak.
“Uh…” I started strongly. “What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?”
Rot pursed his lips and looked up for a moment.
“Hmmm…what?”
“Where you put the cucumber.”
He cracked a smile, but didn’t laugh. I nearly did, which made me raise my hand.
“Yes?” said Turbo.
“Am I allowed to laugh at my own jokes or does that give him a point?”
“You may laugh at your own jokes.”
“Whew.”
It was now Rot’s turn. I was going to have to clamp down on my emotions here because I tended to giggle whenever presented with juvenile humor. Maybe I had a little pixie in me? Yes, I know that sounded wrong.
Rot leaned in. “Two men were having a drink and one said, ‘I had sex with my wife before we were married. What about you?’ The other replied, ‘I don’t know. What was her maiden name?’”
Mmmm…no.
“You’ll have to do better than that,” I said and then Words took over again. “Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?”
Rot rolled his eyes. “Why?”
“Because he only comes once a year.”
The pixie snorted at that and cracked a full smile.
“That counts as a laugh!” exclaimed Turbo while pointing at Rot.
“Damn it.” My opponent frowned. “Okay, okay. Uh…What does the sign on an out-of-business whore house say?”
I chewed my lip. “I don’t know. What?”
“We’re closed. Beat it.”
I giggled.
“That evens the score and one to one,” said Turbo while giving me the stink-eye.
“What? It was funny!”
But he was right. I had to be careful here. I was in it to win it.
Words spoke up. “What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?”
Rot shrugged.
“A dude will go out of his way to find a golf ball.”
A bunch of the pixies surrounding us laughed at that, which caused Rot to loose his cool and laugh also.
“Two points to Ian Dex,” cheered Turbo.
“Shut the hell up, you guys,” Rot jeered at his gang. “Do you want me to win or not?”
He then turned back to me, shaking his head.
“Take your time,” I stated coolly.
“Nah,” he replied, trying to gain the upper hand. “What do you call a guy with a small dick?”
“Mmmm…Rot?” I answered.
A few of his gang laughed. He didn’t.
“Sorry,” I said with a bow. “What do you call a guy with a small dick?”
“Just-in.”
“Ugh,” I said after a moment. It did take some effort, though. Words was on deck without pause this time. “What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?”
He just looked at me dully.
“I wouldn’t pay twenty bucks to let a lentil on my face.”
I busted out laughing at that one. He just stared at me for a couple of seconds, looking like he was confused by the joke.
“I don’t get…” He paused and then let out a full belly laugh.
“Three points for Ian Dex; one for Rot.”
It took a few seconds for Rot to catch his breath.
“Okay, that was pretty funny.”
“Thanks,” I replied on behalf of Words.
Rot flexed his fingers and gave me a stern stare.
“Okay, so a werewolf, a vampire, and a fae are driving along when their car breaks down in front of a farmer’s house. They knock on the door and the farmer says they can stay the night as long as nobody touches his daughter. S
he’s smokin’ hot, by the way, and she’s flirting with the three dudes like it’s going out of style.”
He leaned back and crossed his arms.
“In the middle of the night, the werewolf says that he’s going across the hall to get him some of that chick. He sneaks over and she’s more than willing to take him on.”
Rot was really getting into the story now.
“About a minute in, the farmer slams open the door and yells, ‘Who is in there?’”
At this point, I was engaged. So was The Admiral.
“Thinking fast,” Rot continued, “the werewolf went, ‘meow.’ The farmer said, ‘Damn cat,’ and shut the door. The werewolf finished, returned to his room, and told the vampire and the fae how great it was. The fae couldn’t resist going next.”
I was kind of wishing I had some popcorn right about then.
“About two minutes into the fae’s fun fest with the daughter, the farmer pushes open the door and yells, ‘Who’s in there?’ again. Thinking fast, the fae replies with, ‘meow.’ The farmer slams the door, yelling, ‘Goddamn cat!’ as he stormed off.”
I was already starting to grin.
“The fae finished up and the vampire was already waiting at the door for his turn. He rushed over and started going after it. The farmer’s daughter was truly enjoying her evening. Well, about three minutes in, the farmer kicks open the door and screams, ‘Who the hell is in there?’”
Honestly, my eyes were wide open at this point.
“The vampire cried out, ‘It’s me, the cat!’”
After about a minute, I pulled myself back up off the floor only to hear Turbo announce, “That’s two for Rot, and three for Ian Dex.”
“Nice one,” I said, wiping my eyes. “Let’s see,” I said, nudging Words into action. “Okay, so a little boy happens to spy his mother pleasuring herself while moaning, ‘I need a man! I need a man!’” He doesn’t understand what she’s doing, but the next night she has a man over for dinner. Later that evening the mother walks by the kid’s room and sees him playing with himself while yelling, ‘I need a bike! I need a bike!’”
“That one’s older than the crust in your underpants,” Rot said without inflection. “What are the three words you never want to hear during sex?”
“Mmmm,” I said. “I don’t know.”
“Honey, I’m home!”
I barely even cracked a smile at that one.
Words spoke quickly, “You know, my dick was once in The Guinness Book of Records…until the librarian kicked me out.”
He laughed at that one.
“Four to Ian Dex. Rot still has two. One more and Ian Dex wins the contest.”
Rot was looking more than a little concerned at this point. I was just glad to be on the winning side of this battle. If it weren’t for Words, I’d be kissing the pixie’s balls by now.
“What’s it called when three people have sex?” he asked.
“A threesome,” I answered.
“Correct. What’s it called when two people have sex?”
“A twosome.”
“That’s right, and that’s why they call you ‘handsome.’”
The Admiral chuckled. Good thing he wasn’t playing.
“Nothing?” said Rot. “Jeez. Tough crowd.”
“Come on, Words,” I said, “make this one count.”
My eyes flashed.
“A guy gets caught stealing in the Old West. The men who catch him offer him the choice to be hanged or to go through The Test of the Three Tents. He chooses the test. They take him to a hill and point down at the first of the three tents laid out below.”
I began to pace back and forth.
“‘In that first tent,’ one of the men says, ‘you will find a bottle of Tequila. You must drink all of it.’ The thief nods. ‘In the second tent, you will find a tiger with a loose tooth. You must pull that tooth.’ The thief gulps but nods. ‘In the last tent is the most hideous woman you have ever seen. She’s very old, hasn’t showered in months, doesn’t brush her teeth, and she’s downright mean. You have to fuck her.’ The thief looks quite disturbed now. ‘If you do all three of those things, we’ll let you go.’”
I stopped and looked at Rot. He was clearly enjoying this web that I was spinning due to the help from Words.
“The thief went down and entered the first tent,” I continued. “About thirty minutes later he came stumbling out, barely able to stay on his feet. He took the final swig of the Tequila and threw the bottle on the ground. Then he walked into the second tent.”
All eyes were on me at this point.
“The screams and growls were dreadful as the tent bounced around for a good ten minutes. Finally, everything went still. One of the men said, ‘Forget it. He’s dead.’ Just as they were about to leave, another man yelled, ‘Wait, he’s coming out!’”
I had Rot on the hook.
“The thief stumbled out of the tent, battered and bruised. He had scratches all over him, each pouring blood, and his clothes were nearly ripped to shreds. He looked up at the men on the top of the hill and, in his drunken voice, yelled out, ‘Okay, now where’s that woman with the loose tooth?’”
Rot lost the Joke-Off.
CHAPTER 31
We stuck Rot in a containment field. Turbo insisted that there was no need for jailing him, but I wasn’t taking any chances. While Turbo may be all about adhering to pixie law and protocol, I wasn’t so sure about Rot.
I stepped out of the room and held my hands up to the crew.
“We got him and his gang,” I explained. “They’re not going anywhere.” Chuck moved forward, but I stopped him. “Listen, Chuck, I know you want to exact revenge, but we have to get as much information from him as possible first.”
“He nearly killed Griff, Chief,” Chuck snarled.
“I know,” I replied, meeting his gaze, “and you have every right to want to rip him to shreds. But he’s the first uber that we’ve been able to capture. That means he’s got information we need in order to prepare for the next uber…or to stop the damn things completely.”
Chuck shut his eyes, clearly wrestling with his rage. Finally, he released a long breath and nodded.
“You should head back to the hospital and be with Griff,” I suggested. “We’ll keep you posted.”
“And let us know how Griff is doing,” Rachel added, stepping up to give Chuck a hug. “We’re all thinking about him.”
Chuck left the room and I opened the door to take my team into Rot’s lair.
Turbo already had all of the pixie gang lined up and ready for processing. They’d be heading to a Netherworld holding cell and sentencing. My guess was that each of them would get a couple of years and a few deep reintegration protocols.
“All right, Rot,” I said to the uber who had caused us all this trouble, “I have a few questions and you’re going to answer them.”
“That wasn’t in our agreement,” he responded tightly. “I only needed to shut down my mob, stop doing crazy shit, and surrender. There was nothing in your requirements about my answering questions.”
“Fair enough,” I said with my hands up. “But seeing as how you must stick to the terms of surrender, that means your body is essentially mine to do with as I wish, yes?”
He frowned. “You’re not going to make me kiss your balls, are you?”
“Ew,” I answered with a sour look. “No. But you injured a member of my team, and his partner is really unhappy about it. In fact, I made him stay out of this room because he wanted nothing more than to rip your limbs from your body.”
Rot squirmed slightly, tugging on his collar.
“Now,” I continued, “if you don’t want to answer my questions voluntarily, I’ll just have to ask him to come in here and exact a little revenge on you until—”
“All right, all right,” he interrupted while giving me a disturbed stare. “I don’t need the details, shitstain. Ask your fucking questions.”
It almost felt like I
was sitting in the Directors’ conference room dealing with EQK, but this time I was in charge. Actually, that thought gave me pause because I really didn’t have any designs of being a Director…ever.
“You’re an uber,” I stated while resting my chin on my hand. “There were a few before you and I’m assuming more are coming. Where are you all originating from?”
His eye twitched and he began to cough.
“I…can’t…tell…you…that,” he finally managed, and then added, “…jizz pickle.”
“Seriously?” I chided. “You can barely talk because of my line of questioning, and you struggle to call me a name?”
He wiped his brow. “It’s our way, cock muffler.”
I could only thank my lucky stars that we ended up with Turbo in our department and not a pixie like EQK or Rot. Turbo was more my speed, at least on the use of foul language.
“How many more ubers are there?” I pressed.
“No…”
He slumped over, but I snapped my fingers at him, rousing him back awake.
“Answer me, Rot,” I demanded. “How many more ubers are there and where are you all coming from?”
“I…I…” His eyes suddenly bulged and he grabbed at his head desperately. “Noooooo!”
The explosion that followed made me glad that we’d put him in a containment field. There was goop and blood all over the place, but at least it wasn’t on my suit. Still, I seriously needed to look into magical protection for my clothes, especially my shoes.
“What the hell just happened?” I asked, my jaw hanging slack.
“He blew up,” replied Jasmine.
I gave her a look. “Yes, thank you.”
Obviously, someone didn’t want him to divulge any information. But who? What the shit was going on? My assumption was that there was a lot more to these ubers than I understood.
“So much for that,” Rachel murmured. “Well, at least Chuck will be happy that the little creep met his end in a not-so-pleasant way.”
“True, but I wish we would have at least gotten some decent information from him first.” Then I turned to his gang of pixies. “Do any of you know anything about the ubers?”
They collectively shook their heads that they didn’t.
The Ian Dex Supernatural Thriller Series: Books 5 - 7 (Las Vegas Paranormal Police Department Box Sets Book 2) Page 11
