“Did you just call me ‘Sly’?” he asked in a sinister tone of voice.
“No good?” I asked.
“No.”
“Ah, sorry. Maybe you would prefer something a little more colorful, like, say, Sperm Pancake?”
That jarred him. “What?”
“Hmmm…maybe Turd Aficionado?” I squinted. “I can see you don’t like that one either.” I rubbed my chin for a moment and then my eyes lit up. “Ah! How about we just go with something simple, like Cunt or Douche?”
The rage on his face was palpable. I found this quite humorous, but one look at my team told me that they weren’t fond of me riling up the man who was holding the leash on this crowd.
They had a point.
“Alternately,” I said, chewing my lip, “I suppose I could just call you Sylvester. Wouldn’t be my first choice, but I know how some people are incapable of taking a joke.”
My smile was one of the shit-eating variety.
“Kill them,” Sylvester commanded.
The vampires turned toward us, but I held up my hand.
“Wait, wait, wait,” I objected. “You haven’t even given me the bad-guy speech yet.” The vampires paused. “Honestly, how can you expect your followers to take you seriously if you don’t stick to the evil overlord basics?”
“I…what?” he said, looking like his brain had suddenly starting throbbing. “What are you talking about?”
“Oh, come on, Sly!” I put my hand to my mouth in faux concern. “Sorry…Sylvester. Everyone knows that the bad guy spills his guts to the good guys before he kills them. It’s like page one of the naughty rulebook.” I pointed at him. “I’m not talking about the sexual naughty rulebook here, but rather the evil one. Just so you know.”
He scanned the crowd and clearly noted that their faces were all turned back to him now. Obviously, they were waiting for his response, which should have been a reiteration to kill us all, but I had the feeling he was actually going to spill his guts.
Gullible.
“So, what’s the big plan, you festering testicle?” I asked, crossing my arms. “Something fresh and exciting, like maybe taking over a fast-food chain of restaurants and raising the prices to something exorbitant?”
He grimaced. “Huh?”
“Maybe you’re planning to rig hotdog eating contests so that you can get your name into the record books?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” he rasped. “Those things are ridiculous!”
I looked thoughtful for a moment before slowly letting my face sink. Then I dropped my head forward and began shaking it. It was overly dramatic, yes, but I was trying to play him here.
“Get your magic ready, guys,” I said through the connector, “and start planning your attack strategy. Sly’s going to blow up at any moment. The madder I get him, the better our chances that he’ll overreact.”
“Oh no,” I wailed like I was in a Shakespearian play. “Please don’t tell me you’re planning something incredibly cliché like taking over the town.”
“Well…” he started, but then coughed.
“Gah! And here I was thinking that you were a higher class of bad guy, Sly!” I groaned and grabbed at my hair. “For fuck’s sake. Do you have any idea how many assholes do the I’m-going-to-take-over-the-town routine? It’s so boring!”
“But it’s—”
“Boring, you pee hole,” I interrupted, glaring up at him. “I’ve been a cop in the Vegas PPD for seven years, Sly. Over that time, I’ve dealt with everything from petty theft to idiots like you who are planning to take over the town. Now, in that seven years of working on the force, how many of those pimply cornholers do you think have succeeded in taking over the town?”
He opened his mouth and closed it a couple of times as his eyes darted from face to face. It was clear that he was starting to sweat. The fighting would start soon.
“He’s getting close, guys,” I warned my team. “I hope you’re ready for this.”
“Uhhh…” Sylvester said, finally, “none?”
“Ding, ding, ding!” I bellowed while clapping. “We have a winner!”
He smiled for a split second and then immediately shut it down. Some people were just too easy to fuck with. This probably wasn’t the best course of action when the person you were tormenting had your life in their hands, but I was never one to be intimidated by the criminal element.
“Look, Sly,” I pressed on, “I’m just saying that if you really want to be remembered as a guy who tried to do the same shit as every other baddie in the history of the city, go for it. But I’d wager that your legacy would be held in higher esteem in your shit-stained community if you shot for something fresh.”
He slowly began to smile as his head nodded.
“You’re trying to rile me up,” he stated. “I have to admit that it was well on its way to working, too. Sadly, you are dealing with a mind that is far superior to your own.”
“Right,” I said, nonplussed. “A mind that can’t think up anything better than taking over the city.” I snorted and turned to the closest set of vampires to me. “I can’t believe you’re actually following this pig fingerer. Honestly, was there a sale on evil overlords at Walmart or something?” I pointed at Sylvester. “He’s clearly from the Fucktard collection.”
“That’s it,” shrieked Sylvester. “Kill them now!”
CHAPTER 34
A set of hands reached for me and my fangs popped out, as did my claws. From the outside, I must have looked like Dracula and Wolverine’s love child. I dare not wonder who the mama was in that relationship.
I raked my claws across the nearest neck, which would have killed most things, but not a vampire. Well, not unless I’d done more than slice the guy’s flesh, anyway. It would have taken a much deeper cut. But it sufficed to have him clutch his throat and back away.
A hand grabbed my shoulder and yanked me around to find a fist flying in for the kill.
I ducked.
The sound of cracking knuckles against a soft nose perked me up, especially since it was followed by a resounding groan.
This gave me time to launch myself straight up. I brought my palm to connect with the underside of the chick’s chin who tried to punch me. Her neck snapped at the force of the blow. She tumbled to the ground.
But that just opened me up for another attack. Searing pain shot through my right bicep as a set of fangs sank deeply in. It hurt like crap, but just as I was about to tear that asshole away, I felt a fist hit the back of my head.
I wanted to call out to my team for help, but the chatter ringing out over the connector made it clear that they, too, had their hands full. A quick glance up their way showed fireballs, energy swirls, and ice barrages.
My initial thought was to get up there and help them out, but they had to deal with their fight and I had to deal with mine. Even if I had tried to get up there, I'd have died before making it halfway.
I decided to stay put and trust that they could handle themselves. They did just fine before I joined the Vegas PPD, so I had no reason to suspect that would change anytime soon.
It became clear pretty quickly that watching my crew's light show only sufficed to make me feel even more woozy.
But this was no time to keel over.
I had vampires to kill.
Digging deep, I pulled forth a round of energy and kicked backwards, sending my one attacker through the air. Then I jabbed my fingers into the eyes of the fucker biting my arm. He screamed and let go, hitting the ground at my feet. I jumped up and came straight down on his head, Bruce Lee style. Contrary to popular belief, crushing a vampire’s head is just as effective as putting a wooden spike through the heart.
There was no time to gloat over my handiwork, though. Another vampire cannoned into me from the side, driving me to the ground in the process. When we landed, I continued the roll and she flew off of me and struck the wall headfirst.
She died.
I didn’t have
time to get back to my feet before another set of vamps were on me. It was all I could do to fend off their blows when I felt another one sink its fangs in my calf.
In case you hadn’t already guessed, I screamed.
I gotta tell ya, that shit hurt. Take the worst muscle cramp you’ve ever had, mix it with two long pointy teeth, and fill the holes with burning venom.
Not fun.
Unfortunately for that dude, it also launched another round of adrenaline through my system.
I brought my other leg over and kicked hard down on the guy’s head. He gurgled and there was a snapping sound. Not the neck this time, but rather the fucking thing’s teeth. They had broken off in my leg.
“Son of a cunt,” I growled as I reached up and knocked the heads together of the two vampires who were trying to punch my lights out. They stopped punching. I kept knocking. “Die, fuckers, die!” I hollered, paraphrasing the title of one of my new favorite poets from the nine levels.
They died.
“Are you guys okay?” I said through the connector as I dug the fangs out of my calf.
“We’re taking major damage here, Chief,” answered Felicia. “I’m going to have to get into werewolf mode.”
“I wouldn’t do that,” Chuck warned. “They’ll all turn on you in an instant and you’ll die.”
And that’s exactly what would happen, which gave me the idea to force myself to go full wolf…assuming I could, anyway.
Rachel wouldn’t like it, but after all her fawning and swooning shit, I could deal with that. Besides, if I took the brunt of the damage, that would allow my team to survive this rout. Sometimes a chief’s gotta do what a chief’s gotta do.
“Stay in your human form, Felicia,” I commanded. “I’m going to go full wolf.”
“What?” Rachel blurted. “Don’t do that!”
“It’s for the best,” I replied. “Get ready to hit these guys, please.”
I kicked out at an incoming vampire, hitting him in the jaw. It wouldn’t kill him, but it was effective in knocking him out for the time being.
Another one came in, but this time I didn’t strike; instead, I caught her hand and spun her around so her back was against my chest. She raked at me with her nails, but I put the pain aside and focused on getting into wolf form.
My mind brought up visions of being up in the hills in the middle of the night. There was a full moon in the sky and the smell of fear was in the air. I was envisioning a hunt. No…wait…that wasn’t it. Something else was going on. It was…
I immediately snapped out of it and found that I was dry humping the vampire I’d been holding onto.
“Get off me, you perv,” she yelped, and then brought her foot up behind her, connecting perfectly with my nads.
Clearly, I’d had that coming, but it wasn’t like I’d done it on purpose.
As I hit the ground, cradling my bruised berries, I couldn’t help but think that the werewolf power flowing through my veins wasn’t quite intended for what I thought it was.
CHAPTER 35
“Stop!” commanded Sylvester from his pulpit. “I believe I shall be the one who gives him the final blow.”
I winced and looked up at him. “No offense, pal,” I said through gritted teeth, “but I’m not into dudes.”
“What?” he replied as a few of the vampires around him chuckled. He glanced at them and then groaned. “You have the mind of a teenager, Officer Dex.”
“Thanks,” I replied as the pain in my nuts began to subside.
Being a fast healer was sometimes brutal because you tended to feel the pain of healing more severely than the pain of breaking. But since my balls were already aching like a bitch, the reversal wasn’t any worse than the original hit.
Regardless, I still had to put on a show. I needed Sylvester to get closer, thinking he was going to be delivering the ultimate knockout punch.
I breathed out and squinted up at him.
“Why’d you bite me in the first place, Sly?” I asked. “If your plan was just to kill me, why didn’t you just do that when my back was turned?”
“Because I wanted you to serve under me,” he answered. Then he pointed at me irritably. “I don’t mean that in a sexual way, either.”
“Didn’t think you did. Perv.”
“I’m not a…” He huffed and gave me a dirty look. “Anyway, it became instantly clear that my venom did not work on you. Thus, it was obvious that you needed to die.”
“Makes sense,” I panted, staying curled up in the fetal position. “I would’ve done the same thing.”
He appeared shocked by this.
“You would have?”
“Well, I wouldn’t have tried to subjugate a bunch of people in the first place, Sly,” I pointed out, “but if I had done that for whatever reason…say, I was born with an incredibly small penis or something…then, yeah.”
“Are you inferring that I have a small member?”
“Inferring?” I answered. “No, Sly. I wouldn’t do that. I’m the kind of guy who says it like it is, ya know?”
“Good, because…” He paused and tilted his head and growled. “That’s it. I’ve had about enough of you.”
He pulled back his fist and dived directly down to punch me on the side of the head.
Unfortunately for him, I moved.
Punching a person’s head can hurt your knuckles something fierce, but hitting concrete is quite a bit worse.
“Ahhh!” Sylvester squealed as he held his limp hand. “You weren’t supposed to move!”
“Oh?” I replied, feigning sorrow. “My bad, Sly. I should have just let you kill me so you wouldn’t hurt your hand, eh?”
That’s when his fangs came out.
Of course, so did mine.
“Ian,” Rachel yelled through the connector, “we’ve got djinn incoming.”
“What?” I croaked as Sylvester lunged for my throat. I batted him away. “Why are they here?”
“How the hell should I know?” she spat.
“Well, find the fuck out, Rachel!” I shot back.
I should have expected her response, but I didn’t.
It was, “Oooh.”
I jumped to my feet just as Sylvester got to his. He obviously knew he was out of his league because the look on his face was one of fear.
“You are an uber, right?” I asked as we circled each other. “I mean, you don’t really theem like one, but you’ve been giving powerth and thit to people, tho it’th made me wonder.”
“Of course I’m an uber.” He pointed at his fangs. “Venom.”
“That’th it?”
“Yes. Why are you lisping?”
“Oh,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I haven’t gotten uthed to thpeaking with my teeth out yet.”
He nodded understandingly. “Ah, yes. It takes awhile. The main thing is to control your tongue. You have to pull it back a little when you speak.”
“Yeah?” I moved my tongue a couple of times. “Thankth for the tip.”
“No problem.”
He lurched forward, but I snapped out a jab that caught him right in the nose. That type of hit would usually draw blood, but seeing that he was a vampire, not much happened aside from a whistling that sounded with each breath.
“The djinn are touching all of the vampires,” Rachel informed me.
“What, like, inappropriately?”
“No, you idiot,” she replied. I can’t believe I actually missed her calling me that. “I’m saying that they’re knocking them all out.”
“Oh, that’s good.”
Sylvester tried to lunge at me again.
I punched him again in response.
This time I connected with his eye. Now he was whistling and winking. It looked rather humorous, from my perspective, but his face held a visage of fury.
“Damn it!” he yelled at his minions. “Hold him so I can kill him.”
But it was already too late.
The djinn had been funneling throug
h the crowd and vampires were dropping like flies. Or was it dropping like bats? They didn’t really turn into bats or anything, but…well, never mind.
I took a step forward and faked a punch at Sylvester. Once he brought up his hands to block, I full-on soccer kicked him in his cajones.
He fell over and began to whimper.
“Doethn’t feel tho great, doeth it?” I taunted him and then I pulled my fangs back in. “I mean, I know you didn’t kick me in the danglers, but one of your subjects did, so turn around is fair play.”
One of the djinn started to reach for Sylvester.
“No,” I warned, pointing at her. “Don’t touch him. He’s an uber. It could kill you.”
It was Elaine.
Her face went red with anger, but she backed away.
“Didn’t I tell you to stay out of this?” I snapped at her. “We had everything under control.”
“On the contrary,” she argued. “When we walked in you were on the ground about to be killed, and the rest of your officers were already damn near overrun. You wouldn’t have lasted another minute had we not shown up to save your asses.”
She had me there. The fact was that I probably could have gone into a rage and started killing everyone with magical mayhem, but the majority of these vampires didn’t deserve that. Just like the sentry dude who had tried to help Elaine when he’d thought she’d hurt herself in a fall.
“Fair enough,” I acquiesced. “Still, what if your people had been hurt?”
She scanned the area. “A few of them were, in fact. But they all knew what they were getting into.”
“Can you cure them all, by chance?” Chuck asked Elaine as my crew walked over. He pointed at Sylvester, who was still busily clutching his marbles. “They were all poisoned by him.”
Elaine nodded and the djinn who were still standing closed their eyes and began whispering something I couldn’t understand. It wasn’t as bad as the wizard’s pygmy chants when they ran spells, but it was still odd sounding.
The Ian Dex Supernatural Thriller Series: Books 5 - 7 (Las Vegas Paranormal Police Department Box Sets Book 2) Page 24
