by Kara Hart
“You will. Someday, at least,” I assure him. There’s a hopeful gleam in his eye, but that fades soon enough.
“I don’t know, man. The marriage thing… I don’t think I’d be too good at that. Besides, the whole idea kind of makes my stomach turn. I can barely handle my own thoughts, let alone someone else’s for forty-plus years. I envy you,” he says.
“Well, there aren’t any rules to this life. That’s some consolation, I hope. You should do whatever makes you happy,” I tell him, standing up.
He gets up with me and sighs. “Yeah. You’re right. I should tell Judy that I’m sorry. She deserves that nerd she’s with now. I never really wanted her back in the first place. Just got angry is all,” he says. He gives me a hug and a pound on the back. “You got a ring?”
“Hell yeah, I do,” I laugh, pulling out my phone. I show him the picture of the ring that I bought.
“You spent all your fucking money on this woman, didn’t you?”
I bear a guilty look on my face and smile. “You know I did,” I say. “Took out a loan too. Got myself a shop nearby. I’ll have a home base that’s not my actual home for once.”
“Shit, man. You’re going crazy, for sure,” he says. “That’s great. Really, I’m happy for you.”
“Don’t be happy for me. You’re going to come work for me. I’ve already filled out your application. You’re hired,” I say.
He does a double take and a big smile comes on his face. “You’re joking me. You’re joking me! Wait, are you really serious, man?”
“Dead serious. Come work for me. I’ll pay you well. Double the minimum once the shop really gets going. I was making decent money without it. I think I’ll make more now that I’ve got a real office,” I say, knocking my feet against the ground.
“Fuck!” he exclaims. “Let’s do it! Man, I can’t believe it. We’ll be partners again.”
All in all, that’s what it’s about. The camaraderie we had back in the day was strong. “Hell yeah we will,” I laugh. “Brothers for life.”
“Brothers for life,” he says with a smile. “Well, shit. What’re you waiting for? You have to propose to Helena.”
He’s right, and I’ve got just the plan.
Helena
“Fuck him,” Judy says. “Fuck both of them, right up their…”
“Keep your voice down. We’re at school,” I find myself saying. Judy looks at me, pissed off.
“Well, I agree with Judy,” Kneeves says, standing up.
“Of course you do, Fred,” I roll my eyes. “If you didn’t, you wouldn’t get laid.” Kneeves sits down and doesn’t even protest, since he knows I’m one hundred percent correct on that assumption.
“Look,” I say, standing up. “It doesn’t even matter. I’m pissed, but that’s sort of the last straw, right? Why are we even talking about it right now? I mean, Judy, was your date not going well so far or something?”
She turns pink and silent, but I can tell they were hitting it off pretty well. “Okay, good,” I say. “So fuck Halloway and fuck Addison. There, we’re done.”
But deep in my heart, the pain is swelling up by the minute. I can’t stop thinking about every single night spent with him, every single inch of him inside me, and the way he held me against his chest at night. I can’t stop thinking about all the fun we’ve had and the memories we’ve begun to create. When I really sit down and process what this means, I feel sick to my fucking stomach.
I instinctually make an exasperated noise and slump down in my seat. There’s no way I can teach class today, but I have to. I have so much shit to take care of and then Addison had to ruin everything with one bout of masculine anger.
Judy sees that I’m hurting and moves toward me. She places her hand on my shoulder and squeezes down. I breathe out and groan. “You okay, sweetie?” she asks.
“No,” I admit. I feel like I’m about to cry. I feel the emotions ripping through my stomach, all the way to the backs of my neck. There isn’t a part of me that is okay right now. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Can someone please tell me what the fuck I am doing?”
“You’re going through a breakup,” she says. “It’ll be okay. You have us.”
“If you need anything,” Fred says, “and I mean anything, just let me know. You need a week off, that’s fine. We’ll get a substitute.”
I lose it. I break down in tears. It’s so fucking embarrassing, but I can’t hold it back. It all hurts so much. “Why am I here? In Canton of all places… God, I’m so fucked. This is all so fucked.”
“Hey, Canton isn’t that bad,” Judy says, glancing over at Fred.
“I know. I’m sorry,” I say. “But now I’m stuck here. With him. And I sure as hell don’t want to be. What’s going to happen when I run into him? I’m going to be a mess.”
“Things turn around. They always do,” Fred offers his crap words of wisdom to me. Great. Things turn around. Not really what I need right now, but okay…
Judy can sense my frustration. She’s a woman and understands that we need some tender advice every now and then. “He’s a motherfucker,” she says, stone cold. “And you’re a goddess who deserves to fly as high as she can. You’re a jewel in the sand, an oasis in the desert, a—”
“Thank you,” I cut her off. “I’m not, but thank you for being sweet to me. I need to take a few moments I think. I’ll finish out the day, but I need like thirty minutes to cool down.”
“You’re going home,” Fred says. “You’re not going to teach the students in this condition. If this were me, I’d be drowning in a bottle of scotch in my bedroom. Trust me, I get it. Go home. Get some rest. You’ll come in when you need to.”
I don’t know what to say. They’re both being so nice to me that it’s hard to give the right thanks back to them. “Thank you,” is what I manage to get out, and it seems to be okay for the time being.
I grab that bottle of scotch that Kneeves mentioned in his office, and I head home, driving slow and admiring the scenery. It’s a really beautiful town. I shouldn’t hate on it. It’s just that it’s hard now, with Addison being so nearby me, literally all of the time. The man never leaves and neither do I.
I cry a little every now and then, but when I’m inside my home, I drink quick enough to feel the pain go away in minutes. Soon enough, I’m turning on my old radio and dancing to old 80s pop songs in my bedroom. “I want to dance with somebody,” Whitney Houston sings, and I’m right there in her shoes, feeling good about myself again.
Addison can fight and drink, or do whatever his heart pushes him to do. He can do all that without me. Because I want a man that protects me when I really need protection. I want a man who’s not going to lose his shit and act on his primal impulses 24/7. I’m sorry, but I want a man who can dedicate his time and life to me. Clearly, he has some issues he still needs to work on.
I haven’t checked my phone in hours, but when I do, I know something bad is going to be there on my screen. Can you ever go through a breakup without the man texting you a bazillion times? Well, the answer is a clear no, because when I check, there’s about four.
“You there?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Helena, I’m really fucking sorry. Please answer me. Call me. Anything. I need to hear your voice.”
“I need to feel you again.”
The last one is a real winner. The problem is, I feel the same way. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be sorry, but I am. I don’t get it. It’s like I internally feel the guilt he should be feeling. Who knows? Maybe he’s really sorry too, and it’s not just some fake game he’s playing. I want to believe it.
“I need to hear your voice.” It’s true. I do too. I want to hear his voice. I want to feel his breath whisper against my ear and tickle around my neck. I want to feel the electricity again. I want to feel him around me. I want that feeling I got when he got hard just looking at me. And I need to feel him inside of me again. I hate that I do, but I do.
I gr
ab my phone and text him. “Why don’t you ever listen? You were doing so well. We were doing so well.”
He calls me immediately and I answer after a few rings. “What?” I ask, harshly.
“You’re right,” he says, calmly. “I don’t listen. I need to be better. I need to be a better listener.”
“It’s not just that,” I say.
“Then tell me everything that it is and I’ll change,” he says. “Helena, I don’t want to be without you. This, us, was perfection. It was like living in heaven.”
“It was like living in a fantasy world,” I say. “We didn’t know what we were doing. We got into something we couldn’t get out of. Do you know how different we are?”
“Not that different,” he says. “We share the same values.”
“No we don’t,” I groan. “We’re incredibly different. You’re a navy SEAL macho-man, small town guy, and I’m a teacher from New York, who hates fighting and war, and all of that bullshit. We just don’t work together. This was bound to happen sooner or later.”
“You said that before and we got through it,” he says. “We can work through this. I swear to you. I want to change. I’m learning. Help me learn. Please.”
“Addison…” I sigh, feeling hopeless. “Oh, Addison. I don’t know what’s happened, but it feels so weird and different now. Don’t you agree?”
“I do,” he says. “But I know that I love you more than I ever have.”
“Just because you can’t have me,” I say. “That’s the only reason.”
“No,” he stands firm on this. “My love grows for you every single day, regardless of whether you’re with me or not.”
“Creepy,” I groan.
“Whatever. It’s the truth. I’m sorry if you think I’m a creep or a macho-man-asshole, or whatever. I’m sorry I gave you that impression of me. I promise that I’m better than that. I’m a complex human with some shortcomings, but I work on myself every day to be the right man for you. I’ll keep doing that,” he says. “I want to keep doing that. Don’t make me stop.”
I hate that it’s this way now. I hate that there are barriers we’ve built around our hearts. I hate that we judge each other harshly or that we both overreact. “It was easier when we first met,” I say. “Much easier. What happened?”
“Life happened,” he says. “It always happens, especially if you really love the person. Things get hard and then they get easy. Then you have kids and the whole thing gets harder than ever. That’s just the struggle of love. It wouldn’t be so incredible if you didn’t have to work for it.”
I laugh, despite that not being the appropriate response. I keep laughing for so long that he chuckles back, awkwardly. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I just don’t get it. You always know exactly what to say. I hate you for that.”
“I love you,” he says. “It comes from the heart.”
“I’m coming over,” I say. Despite being angry with him, I think I always knew I’d end up giving into him. I think all I really wanted from him was for him to tell me he cares to try, and that he was willing to give his all for this. In the end, he’s nothing like Halloway, or most guys I’ve been with. He’s Addison. He’s unique, he’s pure, he’s fragile, and yet he’s the strongest man I’ve ever seen. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, and I’ll love him forever.
“Thank God,” he says into the receiver. He laughs and I say, “See you soon.”
I smile and wipe the small tears from my face. I’m going back to my man.
Addison
I wait for her on my porch, heart beating and palms sweating. I’m pacing back and forth, and I want to chug a case full of beer just so I can calm my nerves down a little bit. The whole thing is just heart-wrenching. This love business is fucking hard. It’s harder than any fight, than taking any city, but it’s worth it when it all comes back together. Those moments are the times I live for. It feels like winning. It feels like truth.
When I see her car pull up, it all comes flooding back to me. That day that I met her, when she nearly broke my leg from her bike… I miss that, but I know that I’ll miss these times even more. It all comes around in a circle of memories. I can’t wait to keep building and turning it, until our kids grow old and find solace in someone else. It just keeps on spinning, doesn’t it?
“Helena,” I say, out of breath, even though I’m just standing there, watching her. “I’m so fucking happy you’re here.”
She stays silent, her eyes bulging with tears. I feel her light arms wrap around my neck and we both pull in close, shielding ourselves from the cold world and those cold emotions we’ve been storing. “I love you, Addison,” she finally whispers into the night. “I love you so much. I’m sorry that I threw you away that easily. I feel so guilty.”
I pull off her just so I can look into those beautiful eyes of hers and tell her my piece. “I’m sorry too. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were just angry with me for acting out so violently. It won’t happen again,” I say. “Anyway, I’ve got something that I want to show you.”
“What is it?” she asks. I want to kiss her so bad, but I’m sick to my stomach with excitement and fear.
I pull a picture out of my pocket and try my best to smooth it out. I show it to her under my porch light and her cold, white breath shines against the edges. “An office space? I’m confused. What is this?” she asks.
I laugh and tell her my crazy plan. “I want to be serious with you. I want to make this all real. I took out a loan,” I say. “I’m starting a real business and I want you to help me.”
“Are you serious?” she asks me, smiling. “Addison, are you crazy? How much money do you owe?”
“It doesn’t matter. None of that matters. I can pay it back someday,” I say. “Look, you can still teach if you want. But if you don’t want to, we can work together and thrive. We can save to buy a new place.”
She doesn’t know what to say. She’s worried that this is too rash of a move. Sometimes, though, you have to make some rash decisions. This is one of them.
I get down on one knee. I reach into my coat pocket and glance down at her boots. I grab the ring box and hold it in front of me. “Oh, Addison,” she whispers. The air is cold and the night is silent. There’s not a bird or cricket, or rustling critter, in sight or earshot.
“Be with me. Be my wife,” I say. “I’m not askin’. I’m practically begging.”
“I—” she stops.
“I’ll never meet a girl like you. Never. I don’t want to let this chance slip by. I swear, you coming to this small town was a sign. It was a sign that I had to get my shit together and that it was time to settle down. It’s time for a change,” I say. “I’m ready for the next big step. I’m ready to make that transformation.”
She gulps down and looks at me, shaking. She holds her palm to my cheek and kneels down on the cold wood porch. She kisses me soft and sweet, running her fingers up, through my hair. “You know the answer is yes, right?” she whispers. “It’s a big hell yes.”
I put that ring on her hand. That big, sparkling, diamond ring. She looks at it and smiles, her teeth white as snow. I kiss her hard. Fast. I kiss her and touch every part of her body. “God, I was hoping you’d say that,” I laugh.
She sucks on my bottom lip and breathes in hard through her nose. “We’re meant for each other. I feel like it’s destiny, or like fate. Maybe that sounds corny, but—”
“It doesn’t sound corny,” I say. “It’s the truth. No one has ever made me feel what you make me feel.”
“I can really quit my job?” she asks me. “You really want me to work with you? You’d be around me every day, Addison. You can handle that?”
“I just asked you to spend the rest of your life with me,” I laugh. “I know I can handle that.”
“You’re poor as hell, aren’t you?” she laughs with me. “You took out all your money for this, didn’t you?”
I shrug and pick her up into my arms, carrying her inside. “Yep. Su
re did,” I say. “You think I care about money?”
“Oh jeez,” she squints her eyes. “Addison, you’re insane. But the crazier you are, the more I want you.”
“You know how to repay me,” I say. “You know what I need.” My smiles grows bigger, my cock does too.
I sit her down on the kitchen counter and start making out with her, harder than before. She’s breathing wildly. I put my hand against her tits and I can feel her strong and rapid heart beating for dear life. “Yes,” she whispers. “I know what you need and deserve.”
She unbuckles my belt and rips it through the loops. My pants come down around my ankles. I reach up through her skirt and feel her panties, now wet with desire for me. I pull them to the side, tearing the small ends, and I place two flat fingers against her wetness, spreading that same desire all over her hole.
I’m going to make this quick and hard. And then after that, I’m going to go again, and again, until we’re both on the verge of losing our lives from heart attacks. I grab hold of my cock and thrust it inside her. Her head falls back with pleasure and she moans, high-pitched and pretty. “Yes!” she screams. “Deeper!”
I grab her wrists and force her arms behind her back. I thrust forward again. I push my forehead against her forehead and we’re suddenly staring at each other’s eyes, longingly. I thrust faster now and spit down on her wet cunt. She’s smiling now, like a little deviant woman. My wife. She wants me to play dirty. She wants me to cum.
I push forward, shaking the whole fucking table. I let go of her wrists when I feel bonded to her. I close my eyes and feel my soul swell up inside of me, ready to spring forth, through me. I keep myself inside, holding my cock in, pushing until I’m as far as I can possibly go. My body grows alert and sensitive to all stimuli. I hear a slight moan and squeal from the back of her throat and I decide I can’t hold it in any longer.
