by Shauna Allen
In the meantime, we were finally home after months overseas. The California sunshine had never felt so good, and the air had never tasted so sweet.
We had boots on the ground late last night. Most of the other guys had women to go home to except for me and Tito, our team leader. I went home to my empty condo and crashed for several hours after a hot shower and a big meal. I slept long and hard, grateful for a soft bed after months of hard cots and tents filled with snoring men.
Funny enough, as I dozed off, my last conscious thought was that tomorrow was Monday.
I woke up just as dawn crept through my eyelids. For a moment, I was back in Syria, my mind right back in the mission. I snapped awake, ready for my turn at patrol, only to realize it was entirely too quiet and entirely too comfortable.
I rolled over with a groan.
Home. I was home.
And it was Monday.
That meant Carissa should be working her opening shift at Maverick’s Café.
I rolled my ass right back over and slid from bed to find my workout clothes and long-forgotten running shoes.
I might’ve been grumbling the first mile or so, but I found my rhythm soon enough, and about forty minutes later, I found myself pleasantly warm with endorphins pumping as I jogged up to the front of the café.
I slowed to a walk and made a couple of circling laps on the sidewalk to cool off before pulling open the door and going inside, a smile on my face. I’d even rehearsed a few things to say to Carissa on my way over since she usually had me so tongue-tied. Well, other than the last night I saw her before we were deployed, but that was an anomaly for me. A spectacularly, perfect, one-night anomaly.
I slowly made my way through the café. I didn’t see her. The place was empty except for one guy who was sitting where I used to sit every Monday morning. He eyed me as I walked past. I stared right back, and he turned away quickly, refocusing on his food.
I kept going and found Tito, Maverick, and Tex sitting at the back of the café, hunched over one of Tex’s trusty laptops.
“Hey, guys.”
They glanced up. “Morning,” Tito said, lifting his coffee mug in a salute. “You’re up early.”
“I could say the same for you.” I glanced around again, searching for Carissa, stifling my disappointment that my private early morning ritual had been found out and was no longer mine alone. But, Maverick’s was awesome, it was only a matter of time.
“You know me.” My leader grinned his customary shit-eating smile. “Plus, I wanted an early start with Tex on a new angle on this Shadeek business. The other guys will meet us at HQ later today.”
I slid into a seat. “Anything new?”
Tex looked up. “Well, yes and no.”
“What does that mean?”
He sat back to meet my gaze. “Well . . . it means we don’t have much more intel than we had before you guys left Syria. But, Tito and I have been talking . . .” They exchanged a glance. “And we think that it’s time to work our assets a bit harder.”
“Our assets?”
“Yeah.”
“What assets? Isn’t that what we’ve been doing?” Now I was fucking confused. Had we been wasting our damn time running all over the world and back and not using our “assets”?
Tex sat up taller as his computer dinged with some kind of incoming message and began typing furiously, ignoring me.
“Dude! What assets?”
Tito leaned his elbows on the table. “Grace’s friend, Brianne, has been feeding Tex intel all this time. It appears she’s not only trying to sabotage the cartel and Shadeek, but she wants our help. We think it’s time to fight fire with fire. Focus on finding her. Make it our primary mission. Then, once we do, mine her directly for information, and bring down Shadeek and Esteban with their own deadliest weapon.”
“You think we can trust her?”
“I think we’re running out of options.”
Tex hit a few more keys then turned back to me, his expression serious. “He’s right. This is a dangerous game we’re playing, always one step behind. This could be our way to finally get ahead of them. We trust her until we can’t. So far, the intel has been solid. I’ve briefed both commanders and my entire team. We’re all in this with you until the end.”
“Thanks, brother,” Tito said with a smile as they fist-bumped.
Rebekah appeared then, stopping the serious talk and sporting a huge smile and an even huger diamond ring on her left hand. “Morning, Kid. Can I get you something to drink?”
“Water would be great.”
“Sure.” She returned a minute later with a glass of ice water. “Anything else? Are you having breakfast this morning?”
I lowered my voice as the guys continued to speak across from me. “Where’s Carissa?”
Rebekah’s expression morphed as she took me in. “Why?”
“I, uh, well . . . doesn’t she usually work the early shift on Mondays?”
“Not anymore. She gave it up not long after you guys deployed.”
“Why?”
She shrugged. “That’s her business.”
Something in her guarded response made me curious. “But she still works here?”
“Yes. She’ll be here soon.”
Relief slid through me like a waterfall. I grinned.
“But, Kid—”
I didn’t hear another word she spoke. My gaze was ripped to the front of the café as Carissa appeared behind the counter, all sunshine and smiles for the stranger in my seat. “Good morning, Pete,” she said, her voice music to my ears after all this time.
The sunlight streaming through the windows lit up her red hair like fire, which I noticed she’d cut to sit just below her shoulders.
God, I’d forgotten how beautiful she was.
I rose to stand, unable to stop myself, her pull magnetic.
Dark chocolate eyes slowly slid to mine.
Time seemed to stand still.
Her face paled, highlighting every freckle that I’d traced with my fingertips and tongue that one magical night.
She wobbled on her feet. Gripped the countertop for support.
“Carissa!” Rebekah darted over and dashed behind the counter to catch her as she wilted to the ground.
Then it clicked that something was wrong.
“Shit.” I loped over and found Carissa huddled in Rebekah’s arms with her back to me.
“Breathe,” Rebekah whispered in her ear. “It’s fine. I told you he’d be back. It’s fine.”
I frowned and crouched next to them, rubbing her back. “Carissa?” I had no idea what was going on, but I desperately wanted to make it better.
Behind us, the dude in my seat watched like a voyeur, so I shot him a glare, forcing him to back up with one look. He got the hint and dropped some cash on the counter before sauntering out of the café.
“You okay?” Rebekah asked, pushing a thick curl back from Carissa’s cheek.
Carissa nodded and wiped her face. “I’m good.” She shifted to sit up. “Thanks.”
Rebekah shot me a strange look I couldn’t interpret. “You got her?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
She nodded once then stood to move back to the table with Maverick and the guys, leaving me alone with Carissa.
I couldn’t help myself. I touched her shoulder. “Everything okay?”
She eventually lifted wet eyes to mine. “I’m not sure.”
“Are you hurt?”
She shook her head.
“Sick?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
She gave me a sad smile. “Help me up?”
“Sure.” I stood and offered her a hand to help her stand. Just being this close to her brought back a thousand memories of that one night we had together and everything I wished I would’ve said to her that I simply couldn’t because I just didn’t have the words. Maybe I’d get another chance. Maybe . . .
Her pale face and frightened expressio
n halted my thoughts. “What? What’s wrong?” I pleaded.
“Cody,” she simply whispered my name.
My eyes dropped to follow her gaze.
Right to her gently rounded belly.
Carissa
Cody’s navy-blue eyes tracked from my stomach back up to my face slowly. Too slowly.
I thought I might be sick.
Before he could say a word, I scrambled away from him to hunch over a trash can.
False alarm, but I kept my face buried for a minute so I could compose myself.
I knew this moment was coming. I’d been waiting for him to get back and doggedly avoiding Rebekah’s questions as much as possible. I wanted to tell him first. It seemed only right. Still, last week, I’d broken down like a blubbering, hormonal idiot and sobbed in her office about missing him. I felt like a dummy, but she was a sweetheart and reassured me they’d be back and didn’t ask any more questions about my ever-expanding waistline, which I appreciated.
I felt his presence behind me. His uncertainty.
When I couldn’t avoid it anymore, I finally turned to face him.
“Carissa—?”
I grabbed his hand and yanked him toward the door. “Let’s talk outside, okay?” I tilted my head toward the front windows to let Rebekah know I was going out for a few minutes and she nodded.
He let me lead the way out into the sunshine, and I’d never been more thankful for the breeze off the ocean as it whipped away some of my anxiety. I moved to a far table on the patio, away from any potential prying eyes inside the café.
I sat down, but he remained standing, his arms folded across his chest as he stared at me, his gaze unreadable.
“Aren’t you going to sit down?” I asked, my nerves humming crazily.
“You’re pregnant?”
Okay. So, I guess we were cutting right to the chase. Fine. “Yes.”
“Who’s the father?”
My frown was automatic and deep. “Seriously?”
“Yes. Seriously.”
“You really think—?” I jumped to my feet. “You know what? Never mind. You’re a dick. I’ll talk to you later.” I took one step past him, but a warm hand clamped around my upper arm like a steel band.
“Wait. I didn’t mean to imply anything bad about you by that.”
I shot him a glare. “Well, you did.”
His gaze softened a fraction as he took me in . . . really took me in, feature by feature. “So, it’s my baby?”
“Yes,” I whispered. “Of course, it’s your baby.” God, if only he knew. I hadn’t been with anybody else, hadn’t thought about anybody else, hadn’t dreamed of anybody else, in years—and I doubted I ever would again after that night.
He loosened his grip on my arm, freeing it as his gaze dropped to my stomach again. “Wow. Okay.” He ran a hand over his head and dropped to a seat. “Wow.”
His shock made me smile. “That’s kinda how I felt when I found out.”
He looked back up to me. “When was that?”
“About a month and a half after you left.”
“I’m not sure what to . . .” He looked adorably confused. “I mean, you’re good? You’re healthy? The baby’s healthy? It’s all good?”
I bit my lip against a giggle. “Other than some nasty morning sickness, yes, we’re good.”
“That’s, uh, that’s good.” He stared off into the distance, obviously collecting his thoughts.
I reached over and touched his hand. “It’s okay, Cody. You don’t have to say or do anything right now. I know this is a shock for you.”
He huffed out a laugh. “Yeah. You might say that.” He glanced at the windows to the café. “So . . . who knows about this?”
“Nobody. Well, I told my aunt in Montana, but other than her and my doctor, I’ve kept it to myself. Obviously, Rebekah has figured out I’m pregnant.” I indicated my belly. “Kinda hard to hide now. But, I haven’t told her about us or any details. It felt like the respectful thing to do was talk to you first and work out things between us, however we decide to do that.”
His eyes turned icy-sharp. “Carissa, I need you to understand something. I will support you and this baby however I can, but I’m not ready to be a father. I’m just . . . I’m not.”
My shoulders snapped back as hurt slapped me in the face. Of all the responses I’d imagined from him when I finally had the chance to break the news, I hadn’t imagined this. Not after how sweet and understanding he’d been that night. This just didn’t compute with the Cody I’d made love with a million times in my memory. The one I’d imagined holding me and telling me he’d take care of me and that we’d be a family, and everything would be all right. God, what an idiot I was. “And you think I’m ready to be a mother?” I blurted.
“I don’t know.”
“Well, I’m not, but I don’t have a choice in the matter, do I?” And with my best Go Fuck Yourself glare, I shot past him and slammed back into the café, berating myself the entire way for ever believing in Prince Charming.
I raced back inside, fighting to hold back the tears until I was alone. I’d managed to be strong on my own this long. Just a little bit longer . . .
I felt the stares of the guys on his team as I slid behind the counter, blindly searching for my purse, wishing I were anywhere but there, wishing this morning had gone any other way.
“Shit.” I dashed away the errant tears that began to fall as I heard the door open and close, knowing it was him coming back inside.
God, how I’d fantasized about this moment. Wished for about a thousand different, romantic outcomes, where I’d finally get the family I’d always wanted. Even if it wasn’t under ideal circumstances, I figured we could find our way. We had something . . . right?
No. Wrong. I was being a fanciful child, feeling something more for a man who obviously only wanted me for sex. But, who was I to blame him? I’d offered it willingly in a moment of emotional weakness. We were consenting adults, and this was the price we had to pay.
I glanced down and cupped my belly with my hand. The price I had to pay. And I’d pay it gladly because I already loved this baby with a fierceness that was overwhelming at times.
Rebekah came up beside me, concern oozing from her pores. “You okay?”
I glanced over. “I’m not feeling well all of a sudden. You mind if I take off and go home?”
“No, of course not. I’ve got this.”
I could tell she had a million questions, but she kindly held them back. I knew she had her suspicions about me and Cody and this baby, but she never said a word. Overcome with gratitude, I fell into her arms. “Thank you. For everything.”
She held me much like a child. “Oh, Carissa. You’re welcome. You know you can trust me, right? I’m not just your boss, I’m your friend, too. I’m here, whatever you need. Day or night.”
I nodded, my tears spilling onto her shoulder.
She drew back but kept her hands on my arms. “You’ll tell me everything someday soon? I have a feeling you need a friend.”
I sniffed and smiled. I had a feeling she was right. It wasn’t going to stay a secret now that Cody knew anyway, and I had precious few friends anymore. “Okay.”
“Okay. Go. Get some rest. See you tomorrow, girl.”
I nodded and gathered my things to head back outside as quickly as possible. I could’ve used today’s tips for my baby fund, but I’d just have to make up for it by picking up another shift. Pete idly drifted through my mind. He was always a good tipper. Maybe I should take him up on his offer of a date. Maybe things could work out and he’d accept the baby, and I wouldn’t have to worry so much about—
“Carissa! Wait!” Cody jogged up beside me on the sidewalk, the sunlight catching the caramel highlights in his dark hair.
I shot him a look and kept on walking.
“I’m sorry.”
I said nothing. Honestly, I was too hurt.
He stayed in step with me for about a block, then heaved
a sigh. “Come on, Carissa. I said I was sorry.”
I came to an abrupt halt, and he took a step ahead of me, so he had to pivot back, his face confused. I glared up at him. “Are you? Are you really? Or are you just saying what you think you should say?”
He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Both, I guess,” he admitted.
“Unbelievable.” I shook my head in wonder and kept on walking, faster this time.
He rushed to catch up.
“Don’t bother, Cody. Go back to your team meeting. I have nothing else to say to you.”
“That’s not fair. How did you expect me to react to news like this? I wasn’t exactly expecting it.” He raked a hand over his face. “Jesus, Carissa. Cut me a break here.”
Anger and pain and my hurt pride bubbled in my chest. “Okay, fine. I can’t believe I ever thought . . . you know what? It doesn’t matter what I thought. You’re not ready for this, I get it. Great.” I slowed and moved off the sidewalk to let some joggers pass us by. I faced the ocean and let the breeze roll over my skin. I faced him then and caught a glimpse of the truth in his eyes.
Fear.
He was afraid.
That I could understand.
I’d been living in fear since the moment that second blue line popped up on the pregnancy test and I’d been all alone in my tiny one-bedroom apartment, wondering where in the world he was. If he was alive. If he’d come back. If what I felt for him was real.
How he felt about me.
I let some of the anger and hurt dissipate as I studied the face I’d missed so much these last five months. “Look . . . I know I’ve had a little longer to get used to this idea than you have, and I’m sorry you feel blindsided. That certainly wasn’t my intention. But, the fact of the matter is I’m pregnant, whether we feel ready or not. I’m not making any demands of you right now, Cody, but you need to understand that I already love this baby and I’m keeping it, whether you take part in our lives or not. So, I think it’s clear that we both have some soul-searching to do about what’s next for all of us.”
