“Father,” he began then hesitated. Doubt clutched his heart as he questioned his worthiness and another tear traced a trail down his other cheek. A sense of despair settled over him until another verse entered his mind.
“For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God; being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.”
“My Lord,” Darcy began again. “I humble myself before you, realizing how insignificant my efforts have been. When faced with being denied that which I desired, I turned from what I professed to believe in order to secure what was not mine. I have broken Your commandments as they did not suit my purposes. I gladly relinquished my soul for moments of joy without a thought to the future.” David’s words after Bathsheba filled his mind and the fifty-first Psalm flowed from his lips. “Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice. Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee. Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise. For thou desirest not sacrifice; else I would give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.” He took a deep, stuttering breath.
“Father, You have blessed me with more than any man might wish. You placed Elizabeth before me, but my pride caused me to pause and, in so doing, I lost her. Instead of seeing my own hand in my misery, I chose to blame others and then take what was no longer available to me. Now, when I see a time where I might legitimately claim that which I desire, the gift You have bestowed upon me, the virtuous woman You have chosen for me reminds me of my shortcomings.
“Without You, we are nothing. I have sinned and fallen short. I pray You would restoreth my soul, leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for Your name’s sake.” His hands, folded before him, glistened with the tears which fell freely from his eyes. Darcy lowered his head until his forehead rested against his thumbs. “Our Father, which art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Thine is the kingdom and the power, and the glory, for ever.”
Darcy paused, his heart once more beating as though it might break free from his chest. There was one more thing he had to do, and it hurt more than he ever imagined. “Thy will,” he whispered before continuing in a louder voice. “I have taken what was not mine. I ask now, Lord, if it be Your will, that You bring Elizabeth and I together in Your time. I will abide by Your will. Amen.”
Feeling as though he had been cleansed within, Darcy climbed into the bed. He pulled the pillow against his chest as he rolled to his side and contemplated what might lie before him. Proverbs, his father’s favourite book of the Bible, came to mind. “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: hear the Lord, and depart from evil.”
“Thy will, Father,” he whispered again and closed his eyes to sleep.
***********
“Mr. Darcy, sir?”
He attempted to open his eyes, but they were thick and crusted. Darcy raised a hand to rub the sleep away before rolling to his back and looking up at his manservant. “Yes, Nelson?”
“It is time to prepare for dinner, sir. I allowed you to sleep as long as possible.” The man bowed, but his brows were furrowed when he stood. “Shall I send word you will not attend this evening?”
“No!” Darcy sat up. “Forgive me, no.” He rubbed his chin, feeling a bit of bristle. “Have you a warm towel ready?”
The question must have insulted his valet who stood a bit taller. “Of course, sir.”
Darcy chuckled. “I meant nothing by it, Nelson. You are always aware of my needs, even before I recognize them.” He climbed from the bed and preceded his servant into the dressing room. Once he was settled, with the warm towel covering his face, Darcy relaxed. He was surprised to realize he felt somewhat lighter, not only in spirit, but physically. By the time Nelson had finished shaving him and had begun assisting him to dress, Darcy was eagerly anticipating the dinner.
Nelson had him prepared in short time and Darcy knocked upon his sister’s door but received no answer. He turned toward Anne’s door and it opened as soon as his hand struck the wood. Georgiana smiled at him, but her expression changed quickly.
“Is something wrong?” Darcy asked as he brushed his hand over his chest and touched his cravat.
“Nooo,” his sister drew out the word as she studied his countenance. “I thought you appeared different, but it must have been my imagination.”
Darcy smiled, wondering if the change which had overcome him was visible. “May I escort you and Anne downstairs?”
She took his hand and pulled him into their cousin’s room. “First, you must tell us of the people we will meet this evening. We have already discussed Mrs. Bennet, but what of her husband and younger daughters?”
Darcy smiled as he took her hand and wrapped it about his arm. “You will have to judge for yourself, dear one. I refuse to prejudice you for or against them.” He offered his other arm to Anne who laid her hand upon it.
The sense of calm Darcy had carried since waking continued as they descended the stairs and found the Netherfield family waiting in the formal drawing-room. Elizabeth sat by the open window, a finger tracing her bottom lip while she stared absently at the floor.
“There you are,” Bingley cried, approaching with hand extended to shake Darcy’s.
Anne and Georgiana released him and found seats by the other ladies so Darcy could accept his friend’s greeting.
“I fear I was more fatigued than I originally realized,” Darcy replied and clasped Bingley’s hand. “Your guests are due to arrive soon?”
“Oh yes,” Bingley answered with a laugh. “I am surprised the Bennets are not yet here.”
Darcy moved further into the room and bowed to his hostess. “Forgive me for being absent this afternoon, Mrs. … forgive me, Jane.”
Her smile grew. “I am pleased to see you well rested, sir.”
Darcy turned to see Elizabeth smiling at something Georgiana said, but still appearing is some amount of distress. “Madam,” he said as he bowed to her. “I hope you are well this evening.”
Her eyes fell upon him, her features lightening. “I am. It appears you are, as well, sir.”
He lowered himself into the chair beside his sister. “I followed the advice of a dear friend and find myself more at peace than I have been in some time.”
“I am pleased to hear it, Mr. Darcy.” Elizabeth’s smile broadened and she seemed to sit a bit taller, but when the knocker sounded, her brows furrowed once more. “Let us hope it survives this evening,” she murmured and rose from her chair, running her hands over her skirts.
The butler was about to announce the guests w
hen Mrs. Bennet rushed into the room. “Oh, Jane, you are positively glowing!” she declared as she cradled her eldest daughter’s face between her hands. “Sit, sit, there is no reason for you to stand for your family. Mr. Bingley, it is best for Jane to remain off her feet, do not you agree?”
“If Jane feels fatigued, she will rest, Mother Bennet.” Bingley stepped forward and placed a kiss upon the matron’s cheek before turning to the remaining guests. “Mr. Bennet, it is good to see you again. You remember my friend, Mr. Darcy, but allow me to introduce his sister, Miss Darcy, and his cousin, Miss de Bourgh.”
Mr. Bennet stepped forward. “I have already had the pleasure of meeting Miss de Bourgh, Bingley.” He bowed to the ladies before extending a hand to Darcy. “It is good to see you again, sir.” He spared a glance to Bingley and returned his gaze to Darcy with a mischievous grin similar to his second daughter and her son. “Have you had any success in expanding your friend’s library?”
Darcy laughed as he shook the man’s hand. “Alas, Mr. Bennet, he is now your neighbour and son, so I have forfeited that right to you.”
Mr. Bennet chuckled and turned to kiss Elizabeth’s cheek then approached his eldest daughter and did the same. “Where are my grandchildren?” he demanded taking a seat nearer Elizabeth.
“Papa,” Elizabeth scolded but moved to welcome the younger Bennets. “You have not introduced my sisters.” She took the hand of the middle Bennet daughter and drew her forward while the younger ones followed. “Anne, Georgiana, these are my sisters, Miss Mary Bennet, Miss Catherine whom we call Kitty, and Miss Lydia. Sisters, these are my friends, Miss Anne de Bourgh and Miss Georgiana Darcy.”
“Will you introduce your friends to your mother, Lizzy?” Mrs. Bennet called out.
“Mama,” Jane said in a moderated tone which held a hint of censure. “I am certain Lizzy was about to do so, but you were in conversation.”
Mrs. Bennet sniffed and looked expectantly at her second daughter.
Darcy stepped forward, having not yet taken his seat. “Might I have the honour, Madam? Georgiana, Anne, may I present to you Mrs. Bennet of Longbourn. Mrs. Bennet, this is my sister, Miss Georgiana Darcy, and my cousin, Miss Anne de Bourgh.”
With a wave, Mr. Bennet motioned for everyone to sit, interrupting the ladies’ curtseys. “We are all family; must we stand on such formality? How was your trip, Miss de Bourgh? I know Lizzy was worried for your welfare.”
“It is true, I do not like to travel in summer, but our journey was done in stages and passed congenially.” Anne smiled broadly at Elizabeth’s father.
“Good,” the man responded before looking to his favourite daughter. “Are the children not coming down?”
“Papa,” Elizabeth shook her head, but her smile was still seen. “You will have a chance to visit with the children after dinner.”
The older man crossed his arms before his chest and frowned. “You will force me to socialize first?”
“Yes,” Jane and Elizabeth replied in unison causing the remaining party to laugh.
“Miss Darcy?”
Darcy’s eyes were drawn to the youngest Bennet daughters who sat to his left. They were not the giggling pair he remembered from his initial visit to Hertfordshire, but the youngest still appeared eager for mischief.
“Yes, Miss Lydia?” Georgiana asked.
“Was your gown made in London? Is it the latest style? It is most becoming.”
Georgiana smiled. “Thank you. I fear it is not the very latest and it was actually made in Lambton.”
“Lambton? Our Aunt Gardener lived in Lambton for a time,” Kitty replied in a subdued, mannerly voice.
Darcy found himself impressed by the calm, sensible conversation. A soft chuckle drew his attention from the youngest Bennets to their sire.
“I had not thought you interested in lace and such things, Mr. Darcy.” Mr. Bennet winked at Elizabeth who blushed though she suppressed a giggle.
The butler entered to announce additional guests, saving Darcy the need to respond and giving him an opportunity to abandon his seat for a position nearer Elizabeth and more stimulating conversation. He was pleased to note Mary Bennet had taken a seat by her father.
“Miss Bennet,” Darcy bowed and gave her his most winning smile before lowering his voice. “I understand you have done a great service for your sister and would like to add my gratitude to hers.”
A becoming blush covered her cheeks. “I was not insensible to what my sister had done for my family, sir. It was the least I could do, to lessen her burden.” Her eyes narrowed while she studied his countenance causing Darcy to grow uneasy until she spoke. “May I be so bold as to ask if Elizabeth shared her reading material with you?”
The smile returned to his lips and Darcy lowered his head. “She did, and I am equally grateful to you for that as well.”
Miss Bennet gave a decisive nod and turned back toward her father, leaving Darcy to take up a position where he could delight in watching Elizabeth while being easily included in their conversation. The four of them enjoyed a spirited debate on William Blake’s Milton which Darcy had read some years before when it was first released, but Miss Bennet had only recently finished.
“What think you, sir?” Mr. Bennet suddenly turned his gaze toward Darcy. “Does Blake have the right of it?”
All eyes turned upon him and Darcy stopped to consider his position. “I assume from their comments the ladies have read other works of William Blake?” he asked, glancing first at Elizabeth and then her sister as they both nodded. “And of Milton?”
“You will find my daughters well-read, sir.” Mr. Bennet raised a brow in anticipation of any response from Darcy.
“I do not doubt it, sir.” Darcy bowed his head toward the older man. “I might only note that one’s mind set when reading changes as we grow and experience life, giving the reader an endless range of opinions upon a single work. As a young man, reading the works for my tutors, I believed I understood the writers thoroughly. Yet, as I age, I come to realize their meanings were far deeper and darker than I ever anticipated. I believe it is a humble man who sees a version of himself in every character of the works.”
“Well said, Mr. Darcy.” Mr. Bennet nodded his head. “You have answered the question my wife so frequently asks of how I am able to read and re-read certain books so frequently. I find, depending upon my mind set, as you say, I sometimes feel as though I never really read it the first time.”
The butler appeared in the doorway announcing dinner. The Bingleys were never one to stand on formalities and the number of ladies in Hertfordshire always outweighed the number of gentlemen, so the party passed from the drawing-room to dinner in groups of three. With Bingley escorting his wife and her mother, Mr. Bennet quickly claimed Elizabeth’s arm as well as Anne’s leaving Darcy to escort Miss Bennet and Georgiana.
“I enjoyed speaking with your sisters, Miss Bennet,” Georgiana said as they traversed the hallway, “but I wish I had been included in your discussion. The four of you seemed quite intent upon your conversation to the exclusion of the remaining company.”
“Forgive me, Miss Darcy.” Miss Bennet lowered her head. “Lizzy and my father have always enjoyed a good debate and I have had the great pleasure of joining them in recent months. We do sometimes forget ourselves.”
“I was not reproving you, Miss Bennet.” Georgiana shook her head. “Quite the contrary. I find the normal conversations of ladies to be tedious after a period of time. I much prefer listening to my brother and his friends when they discuss a topic.”
“And do you join them?” Miss Bennet asked, her head tipped forward to see past Darcy to his sister.
Georgiana blushed. “I would not wish to speak out of turn.”
“Georgie,” Darcy said, turning in her direction. “I hope you do not feel as though we would think less of you for having an opinion.”
“William, you know the ton’s thoughts on a proper young lady.” Her blush deepened.
; Darcy’s gaze fell upon Elizabeth’s form as she walked a short distance in front of them and his thoughts returned to their earlier discussion. “Perhaps it is time for the ton to reconsider their priorities.”
*CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE*
The churching and Christening were done as well as the dinner at Longbourn. Elizabeth was pleased with her newfound freedom and began to feel like herself once more. Certainly, the children added responsibilities and limited her mobility to some extent, but she found ways to enjoy the things which once were so meaningful to her.
On the morning of Will’s birthday, the Monday following the ceremonies, she had him accompany her upon her visits to the Longbourn tenants. Darcy had requested the use of Bingley’s curricle so he could attend them, and Betsy could travel on the groom seat to visit her family while the remaining ladies at Netherfield watched over Anne. Elizabeth pointed out landmarks which held meaning to her; unable suppress her smiles, she fairly vibrated with happiness. More than once, she caught Darcy grinning as he directed the horses.
Their first stop was the Rodgers’ farm and Will was pleased to meet Betsy’s siblings of whom he had heard such wonderful stories. He was quickly accepted into a race with the young Rodgers and found a fast friend in little Eddie. While the children played under Betsy’s supervision, Elizabeth was greeted by Mrs. Rodgers.
“Oh, Mrs. Lizzy, it is good to see you back in the neighbourhood.” She rose from her curtsey and eyed the gentleman standing behind Elizabeth.
“Mr. Darcy, this is Mrs. Rodgers. The Rodgers family has been a tenant at Longbourn for as long as the Bennets have held the manor house. They have the largest farm and are a wonderful asset in communicating with the other tenants. Mrs. Rodgers, this is my dear friend, Mr. Darcy. My father asked him to accompany me to-day so he could give his opinion on possible improvements.”
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