by Jim Benton
said, Mrs. Nozzleburp, and I can confirm
that you’ve been absolutely correct about it
all. You’re doing a great job,” Victor said,
adding, “So far.”
“Yes, thank you,” she said. “But I need
you to look up at the board.”
She pointed at the lesson and her arm
creaked under the weight of the marker.
Victor did as she asked. He worried that
it would hurt her feelings if she thought he
wasn’t interested.
At recess, Victor sat on his rock with
Dumpylumps and watched some kids play
on the swings.
“Do you think any of those kids need
surgery?” Victor asked him. “I could do
some surgery things if they needed some.”
Dumpylumps shrugged.
Victor had begun planning some surgery
when his friend Patti walked up.
> “Can I share your rock?” she asked. “The
ground is wet.”
“Sure,” Victor said, lifting Dumpylumps
aside to make room for her. “But we’re pre
-
paring to perform surgery, so please don’t
distract us.”
Dumpylumps scowled. He didn’t like los
-
ing his seat.
> Patti nodded and pulled her phone from
her pocket. She started playing a game that
made loud explosion sounds. She quickly
turned down the volume.
“What’s that?” Victor asked.
“It’s a game called
Interspace Destruction
Warriors
. You have to come up with the
best strategy to defeat the alien enemy. It’s
really hard. I haven’t been able to do it.”
“I could have a look at it, if you like,”
Victor offered. “I’m an expert in Interspace
Battle Strategy.”
Dumpylumps sighed. He wanted his
seat back.
At that very moment, in a large, battered
spaceship very far away, a light on the con
-
trol panel started to blink.
It was a ship belonging to the alien race
called the Grooglings.
> An alien named Sergeant Skulgo pushed
some buttons and studied a screen full of
maps of various solar systems. He called to
the captain of the ship.
“Sir, our scanners have picked up what
you’ve been looking for. We’ve found an
expert in Interspace Battle Strategy. It’s a
human on a planet called Earth.”
Captain Grulf’s antennae twitched.
“Good work,” he said. “Head there
immediately.”
> Chapter 7
POOF
Victor studied the screen on Patti’s phone
and mashed randomly at the buttons.
“My strategies aren’t working,” he said.
“I’m sorry, Patti, but this probably means
your phone is broken.”
“My phone is fine. You’re just no better
at it than I am.” She laughed.
“Maybe the game loaded incorrectly,”
Victor said. “We’ll have to have a look at the
program itself.”
Patti stood up and Victor set her phone
down.
“Recess is almost over,” she said.
Dumpylumps, finally spotting a place to
sit, hopped up on the rock and accidentally
sat on her phone.
He wiggled around to get comfortable
and then was quite surprised to hear a
muffled robot-type voice coming from
underneath him.
“You win,” the game said, and
Dumpylumps smiled. He had never had
somebody talk to his butt before.
Victor lifted him up.
“You won?” Patti asked, amazed.
“Yes,” Victor said. “You see? I’m an
expert.”
> He waved the phone triumphantly at
Patti just as a beam crackled down from
the sky and struck him.
Instantly, both he and Dumpylumps van
-
ished in a little cloud of greenish smoke.
> Chapter 8
THE GROOGLINGS
Victor and Dumpylumps were suddenly
standing in front of a group of frowning
aliens, aboard their battered spaceship.
“THIS is the strategy expert?” one of
them growled as he scowled at Victor.
“That’s what the scanners indicated,”
Sergeant Skulgo said. “Our data says that
he defeated an enemy in a very difficult
simulation.”
“That’s true, but my recess is almost
over,” Victor said. “And I need to get back
to my school. There might be a birthday
today, and as I’m sure you know, that
could
mean cupcakes.”
Captain Grulf stepped forth.
“Human Victor, our scanners recorded
you saying that you are an expert in Inter
-
space Battle Strategy. Is that true?”
Victor thought for a moment.
“That is basically true,” he said. “But I
have also recently become a surgeon.”
The aliens nodded at one another. A
sur
-
geon
. They were impressed. One stepped
up quietly behind Victor.
> He showed Victor his arm. “Does this
look infected?” he asked.
“Maybe he’ll look at all of our infections
later,” Captain Grulf barked. “But right now,
we need to get him and this duck creature
to the battle station at once.”
“It’s a chicken,” Victor said.
“Okay,” Captain Grulf said. He knew
what it was but didn’t feel like arguing.
> Back on Earth, the kids came in from
recess and took their seats. Mrs. Nozzleburp
made sure everybody was there.
“Does anybody know where Victor is?”
she asked. “Is he in the bathroom?”
Patti raised her hand.
“Mrs. Nozzleburp, what’s a word for
when something is completely gone? Like,
it was blown into a jillion tiny pieces?”
“Do you mean like
disintegrated
or
vapor
-
ized
or
pulverized
?” Mrs. Nozzleburp asked.
“I think I mean vaporized,” Patti said.
“Yes. It’s vaporized.”
Patti started coloring a picture at
her desk.
“Oh. Wait,” she said, stopping for a
moment. “I wanted to tell you that Victor
was vaporized.” She smiled and went back
to coloring her picture.
> Chapter 9
THE FRAPPLETONIANS
The aliens sat Victor down in front of a
huge control panel covered in buttons, dials,
and keyboards.
“You guys probably think this is pretty
complicated, don’t you?” Victor asked them.
They wiggled their antennae at one
another.
“So what if we do?” one said.
“It’s just that it’s not that complicated. I
have one of these in my room. I got
it when
I was a baby.”
“You did NOT get one of these when you
were a baby,” Sergeant Skulgo hissed.
“We can argue about my baby toys or I
can just save the day and you can take me
home,” Victor said.
A voice came over the speaker system.
“Incoming Frappletonian fleet. Arrival
time in five minutes.”
Captain Grulf barked out the orders.
“Everybody to your positions. Human
Victor, you better know what you’re doing
or the enemy will annihilate this ship.”
“I hope they don’t,” Victor said. “That’s
where I am.”
“That’s where we
all
are. And our ene-
mies, the Frappletonians, won’t stop until
they’re destroyed, or we are.”
Back in the classroom, Mrs. Nozzleburp
sat limply in her chair. She had almost
fainted and was trying to catch her breath.
“What do you mean,
he was vaporized
?”
she wheezed.
Patti set down her crayon.
“Well, we were sitting on his rock, he
was playing my game, lightning hit him,
and
.
.
.
OH
NO!”
“What?? What is it, Patti?”
“He has my phone!”
Onboard the spaceship, Captain Grulf
spoke quietly to Victor.
“We’ve been at war with the
Frappletonians for centuries. Every day.
Every minute. They’re unspeakably cruel.
We must defeat them.”
“How bad could they be?” Victor asked.
“How bad? Just for an example, have a
look at this. We found a copy of their Things
to Do for Fun Chart. When they’re bored,
they just pick one thing from every column,
put them together, and do that thing.”
He handed Victor the list.
Victor shook his head.
“Okay. These guys
are
jerks,” Victor said.
“I understand. I’ll do my best.”
Mrs. Nozzleburp took out her phone and
frantically dialed Patti’s number.
Up on the alien ship, Victor answered.
“Hello. Victor Shmud speaking.”
“Victor!” Mrs. Nozzleburp exclaimed.
“I’m so happy to hear your voice. Where are
you? What are you doing?”
“Oh, hi, Mrs. Nozzleburp. I’m just get-
ting ready to do a battle thing with this
spaceship I’m in. I’m helping some aliens
fight the Frappletonians,” he said. “What
are you doing? Missing me like crazy,
I’ll bet.”
“VICTOR! YOU MARCH RIGHT BACK
HERE AND TAKE A SEAT AT YOUR DESK!”
she demanded.
“No can do,” he whispered. “These
Frappletonians are pretty mean to grand-
pas. I better help these guys out first.”
He held the phone close to his mouth
and whispered.
“And don’t yell at me in front of these
aliens. It’s embarrassing.”
“Victor,” she said calmly, “the principal
does not allow students to have space bat-
tles during the school day. Come back here
at once.”
“I’m sure that he’d permit THIS space
battle,” Victor said. “These Frappletonians
might tell lies about his butt.”
And he hung up.
CHAPTER 10
YOU SHOULD HAVE THAT
SPOT LOOKED AT
“We got cut off! I have to call him back!”
Mrs. Nozzleburp shouted. Her face turned
red and she trembled like a small, wet dog.
“But he’s right in the middle of some-
thing,” Patti said. “Let’s wait for him to call
us. Or maybe we could call his duck. Is it
legal for a duck to own a phone?”
Mrs. Nozzleburp frantically pressed the
buttons to call Victor again.
Back up on the spaceship, the Grooglings
were preparing for battle.
“Captain!” Sergeant Skulgo yelled, his
antennae whipping madly around his head.
“The enemy ship is coming in around the
planet called Mars. We’ll be within range in
just a few minutes. Victor has control of the
ship now.”
“Understood, Sergeant. Are you paying
attention, Victor?” Captain Grulf asked
urgently.
The phone rang.
“I have to take this call, Captain. It might
be important,” Victor said. He pressed a
button on the phone. It was Mrs. Nozzleburp
again.
“Victor! Tell me exactly where you are!”
she shouted.
“Mars is kind of in front of me. I can see
that planet with the Hula-Hoop in my rear-
view mirror.”
“You mean Saturn?”
“That’s right, Mrs. Nozzleburp. It’s
Saturn. Good job.”
“Hang up the phone!” Sergeant Skulgo
wailed.
“I have to go, Beautiful. They really want
to start getting attacked right away and I
guess I’m holding them up.”
“Enemy ships closing in on us, sir,”
Sergeant Skulgo said.
“Attacked?” Patti asked.
“Oh, hi, Patti. Do you have me on
speakerphone?”
“Yes,” Patti said. “Tell us about this
attack.”
“It’s a big deal, I guess,” Victor said.
“There are enemy ships headed toward us
from behind Mars. It’s pretty annoying.”
Patti looked up at the board and studied
the lesson Mrs. Nozzleburp had been giv-
ing them.
“What color is the ship you’re on?”
Victor turned to Captain Grulf.
“Hey, Captain? What color is this ship?
Like green or something? I’ll bet it’s green.”
“It’s RED,” he shouted. “The color of
battle. Now will you please hang up?”
Victor winked at him.
“Patti, it’s red. The color of apples.”
“I said BATTLE, not APPLES. NOW
HANG UP!”
“Victor,” Patti said urgently, “you should
be pretty close to Jupiter.”
“Which one is Jupiter?”
“It’s big and round and has a giant red
spot on it.”
“Sounds like my grandma,” Victor said.
“Enemy ships in range in thirty sec-
onds, sir.”
Patti spoke slowly and clearly.
“Position the ship so that you’re in front
of the spot. You’ll be a red ship on a red
background. Maybe they won’t notice you.”
“Good thinking,” Victor said, and he
steered the ship the way Patti had
described.
“Patti, I’ll call you back. Unless we get
blown up. If we get blown up, it won’t be
me calling.”
Dumpylumps ran over to the wall and
turned off the lights.
All of the aliens stopped talking and
waited quietly in the dark as the massive
&
nbsp; Frappletonian ship slowly moved closer.
Sweat trickled down Captain Grulf’s
forehead. He held his breath.
The Frappletonian ship stopped for just
a moment and then moved past them.
The Frappletonians had not seen them. The
plan had worked.
“Now we can attack them!” Sergeant
Skulgo cried gleefully. “We’ll get them from
behind! They won’t be prepared!”
“Maybe we shouldn’t attack them,” Victor
said. “Maybe we could take a picture of them
and send it to them and let them know that
we COULD have attacked them, but we
decided not to. You know, so that maybe
you guys could start talking about peace.”
Captain Grulf thought for a moment and
nodded.
“This might be a good idea. Maybe we
could try to have peace.”
“This is ABSURD!” Sergeant Skulgo
yelled, and he lunged for the control panel.
His hand came down hard on a button, and
before anybody could stop him, he had
launched a missile.
CHAPTER 11
ALWAYS REMEMBER TO FORGET
Back in the classroom, Mrs. Nozzleburp’s
phone rang and Patti answered it.
“Whatcha doin’?” Patti asked.
“Oh, hi, Patti.” Victor smiled. “Your plan
worked great, but some guy here decided
to start a battle anyway, so now the
Frappletonians are super angry and we’ll
probably be blasted to bits. What are you
doing?”
“Coloring,” Patti said.
Laser blasts crashed into the Grooglings’
ship. Victor pounded on the buttons, but
nothing seemed to help. Some of the con-
trol panels burst into flames and Victor
