by Lila James
I thankfully decided that this was a bad idea just as I began to dial his cell phone number. I ended the call before it began to ring, relieved that I stopped myself. That was a close one.
To my horror, my cell phone began to shrill. I looked down at the number. Jackson. Had the phone rung on his end and I didn’t notice? I stared down at the phone, wondering if I should pick up or not. If I didn’t, what would he think? If I did, what would he think? I took a deep breath and answered.
“Adrian Lexley,” I said, trying to sound professional as I burped. Damn wine.
On the other end of the line, Jackson laughed. I took a breath, trying to compose myself.
“Jackson?” I asked, feigning surprise.
“You know it’s me,” he said. “Did you call me?”
I scrambled to think of a coherent excuse. I could use the butt-dial excuse. Or I could deny calling him at all.
“Yes,” I admitted, deciding to go for good old-fashioned honesty … sort of. “I was wondering if Katerina was going to sing at Dad’s wedding for sure or not. If not, I think I know someone I can recommend.”
Whew. My shoulders relaxed as I waited for his response. That was a totally credible reason to call.
“You were calling me at eleven o’ clock at night just to ask me that?” he asked in disbelief. I shut my eyes. Damn. I’d completely forgotten about the time.
“And then I realized how late it was,” I said, backpedaling. “So I hung up.”
“OK,” Jackson said slowly. “Katsy agreed to do it. So we’re all set. I could have sworn she already talked to Janet about it.”
“Oh, great. Just wanted to make sure,” I said. Katsy? He had a cutesy nickname for the ice queen? “Sorry to bother you. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight,” Jackson said after a long pause and hung up.
I leaned back against the wall, closing my eyes. My obsession with Jackson will pass, I told myself. It had to.
*
I called Liz the next day, and she agreed to come over. When I swung open the door, I knew that things were back to normal between us because she greeted me with a bottle of wine and a bag of Doritos. I laughed and waved her inside.
“I’m so, so, so sorry I overreacted when I found out you were cheating on Stewart. You were right: I was applying the whole Marcus thing to all the relationships around me,” I started in a rush, but Liz held up her hand.
“What I did to Stewart was crappy. Really crappy. And I’m sorry that I lied to you,” Liz said, embracing me.
She told me that Stewart broke up with her and maybe deep down, that’s what she’d wanted.
“It was like the only next step for us was marriage. That’s why I freaked out when I found that ring. I felt trapped. I kept thinking, ‘Is this it? Is Stewart my future?’ And the answer was consistently no. But I wasn’t brave enough to confront him about it. Or myself, really. Instead, I treated him horribly,” Liz said, sighing as she took a swig of wine. “So I started dating someone from work. Just to get that new relationship rush. And to assure myself that there were other options out there, as selfish as that sounds.”
“You’re only human,” I insisted, guiltily recalling my kiss with Jackson.
“I’ve always been steady, reliable Liz, with the steady, reliable boyfriend. In a weird way, cheating was like a rebellion or something. I started to feel like I was suffocating. But I have flaws, too. I freak out. I just did all my freaking out internally. Most of it, anyway. I wanted to be there for you while you were trying to get over Marcus. And I didn’t want to burden you. That’s why I didn’t let you in on what was really going on.”
“You are never and will never be a burden to me. I’m sorry, Liz,” I said, feeling terrible. “I judged you, and I shouldn’t have. You can always confide in me. Always.”
Liz nodded, leaning forward to embrace me for the second time. I returned the embrace, so glad to have my best friend back. Liz pulled back, raising her wine glass in a toast.
“A toast, shall we? To us single girls. Wait, I’m the single one. How is Douglas?” she asked.
“Douglas,” I repeated, closing my eyes.
I told her what happened with Douglas, revealing the kiss with Jackson. As opposed to calling me out for my hypocrisy, Liz’s reaction to the kiss was totally unexpected.
“I knew it!” She clapped her hands with delight. “The way you always talk about him, the obvious chemistry between you two, how you look at each other …”
“What?” I sputtered, looking at her in disbelief. “What are you talking about?”
“I could tell you liked Jackson. Who can blame you? He’s gorgeous. I just knew it would take getting over Marcus for you to finally see it. I’m so happy for you! Are you dating him now?”
I stared at Liz in astonishment. Apparently, Liz had detected my feelings for Jackson long before I did.
“Um, n-no,” I stammered. I told her that Jackson decided we’d pretend that the kiss never happened and we’d just be friends.
“Oh. I’m sorry,” Liz said, frowning with disappointment.
“Hey. At least it seems like I’m over Marcus now. Now I get to see Jackson and Just Katerina at Dad’s wedding.”
“Ouch,” Liz said. “How about I be your date?”
“That would be terrific.”
“You’ll just have to look really hot,” Liz said with determination. “Jackson won’t be able to take his eyes off you.”
I flushed, shrugging my shoulders, but I had been eyeing a midnight-blue dress—that would put me over the limit of my American Express credit line—to wear for just the occasion.
“Maybe it’s for the best,” I said, trying to convince myself. “I’m attracted to him, yes. But there’s not a whole lot I know about him. I don’t even know what happened with him and his ex. And he seems to really be smitten with Just Katerina. I think it’s best if I’m on my own for a while.”
I blinked, wiping away an annoying tear. It was hard to say all that out loud. But I couldn’t let myself go from one heartbreak to another. A clean slate meant a clean slate.
“Come here. More hug time,” Liz said, scooting forward.
“Hug time?”
“Hug time,” she repeated, enveloping me in a warm hug.
*
On Dad’s wedding day, I made sure to dress to the nines. I didn’t want to outshine Janet, but some of the same guests who’d attended my “wedding” would be at the reception. And maybe I did want to impress Jackson. Just a little. I did end up wearing the blue halter dress, which I covered with a sheath. When I met up with Liz, she let out a low whistle.
“I thought you weren’t trying to impress Jackson!” she squealed.
“I’m not,” I said with a wink.
The ceremony at city hall was small and intimate. Besides Liz and me, only a handful of Dad and Janet’s friends were there. I stood quietly as Dad whispered his vows, and I couldn’t help but flash back to my own “wedding.” Marcus and I had written our own vows and the plan was to recite them from memory, but on the day of our wedding, I had completely forgotten them. In fact, all I could recall about that day—other than the emotional pain and sheer humiliation—was the pure panic I felt and the desperate need to just get the day over with. Not a good sign, in retrospect.
I watched Dad and Janet’s eyes shine with happiness as they were pronounced husband and wife. Would I have felt that same happiness if I’d married Marcus? I doubted it. I now had the nagging feeling that the panic I’d woken up with on my wedding day wouldn’t have gone away.
I hugged Dad and Janet before we headed downtown to the banquet room they’d rented for their small reception. I did think briefly about Mom, and I had a flash of guilt as I recalled how tense she’d looked the last time I saw her. I made a mental note to call her after the wedding.
At the reception, I tried my best to not look for Jackson and Just Katerina. But Liz must have been on the lookout because not too long after we sat down, she made an in
conspicuous grunting sound.
“Two o’clock,” she whispered, nudging me.
I usually had trouble with the whole “o’clock” thing when it came to locating someone in a room. I never knew where “twelve o’clock” was, so I always ended up doing a 360-degree spin trying to locate the person. But I must have had an internal Jackson radar because I turned slightly to my right, and there he was. He walked hand in hand with Just Katerina, who looked stunning in an off-the-shoulder brown dress. He wore a formal tuxedo and looked nothing short of breathtaking. He caught me staring and smiled. My heart fluttered when his eyes met mine. Katerina followed his gaze to me and pressed her lips together in a grim attempt at a smile.
Dad entered with Janet sometime later, and the small gathered crowd got to its feet to applaud. I tore my eyes away from Jackson to join in on the applause, trying to ignore several of the guests’ sympathetic appraisals of me. My own wedding never got this far. As they took their seats, Dad’s best man (my slightly creepy Uncle Frank) and Janet’s maid of honor (her sister) made brief speeches. I was so caught up in my attempt to ignore Jackson and Just Katerina that it took me several moments to notice that everyone in the room was staring at me. In a panicked haze, I remembered that I was supposed to do a speech.
I got to my feet, my trembling hands fumbling for the speech I’d thankfully remembered to write. But I couldn’t find it. I patted down the front and sides of my dress and fumbled in my clutch purse as everyone’s eyes seemed to bore into me.
“Looks like I lost the speech I prepared,” I said, giving Dad and Janet a guilty look. But when I saw their mutual looks of disappointment, I knew I just had to plow ahead anyway. “But what I have to say comes from the heart.”
After the appropriate aahs, I raised my wine glass. To my utter annoyance, Jackson came into my field of vision. I noticed he was sitting alone. Katerina must have gotten up to prepare for her song.
“As I can personally attest, love may not always work out the first time around,” I said, deciding to go ahead and address my own “wedding.” I knew it was on everyone’s minds anyway. A few people whispered among themselves at this; Liz and Dad gave me sympathetic looks. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jackson watching me with an unreadable expression.
“But my father has shown me that it is possible to find love the second time around, and it can be even more magical, even stronger, and it can last forever,” I said, smiling across the room at Dad and Janet. “In you, Janet, he’s found his partner and his soul mate, and you have made him so happy. Your love has given hope for the rest of us—the romantically impaired—that it’s out there for all of us. So here’s to you, Dad and Janet. Here’s to forever.”
Everyone applauded as I sat down. I snuck a glance at Jackson, who looked deep in thought. Liz leaned over and squeezed my shoulder.
“That was beautiful,” she whispered.
I smiled, sneaking another glance at Jackson, but his gaze was now focused on the small stage. Katerina had stepped up to the mic on the center of the stage. Her eyes were closed, and she seemed to be in a trance as the sound engineer prepped the speakers.
“Will Mr. and Mrs. Lexley please come to the dance floor for their first dance as husband and wife?” Uncle Frank boomed over one of the mics.
I watched as Dad escorted Janet out to the main floor. Katerina closed her eyes and took a breath. She began to sing Luther Vandross’s “Here and Now.” I hated to admit it, but her voice was amazing. It was breathy and soulful. Dad and Janet began to sway to the music. I looked over at Jackson again, but his eyes were glued to Katerina in adoration. I took a swig of champagne, deciding I wouldn’t stay much longer.
“I think I’m going to leave after this song,” I whispered to Liz.
“What?” Liz asked as other couples began to join Dad and Janet on the floor.
“I’m going to dance with Dad, then I’m getting the hell out of here.”
“May I have this dance?” Jackson asked from behind me. I froze, turning around to look up at Jackson. He stood there with his hand extended. “Please?”
“Sure,” I said, trying to appear nonchalant as he pulled me to my feet. Liz winked at me as he escorted me to the dance floor. Katerina began to sing the Shirelles’ “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow.”
As Jackson pulled me into his arms, I hoped he couldn’t detect my out-of-control heartbeat at his closeness.
“Where’s Douglas?” he asked.
“We broke up,” I replied, mostly because I didn’t have a clever excuse prepared.
“I’m sorry to hear that. What was the cause? Did he figure out that you’re still in love with your fiancé?” he asked, so quietly that I had to strain to hear him.
“Of course not.” I frowned, searching his eyes. Did he really think that?
“Well. That was a great speech. You seemed to be talking about someone in particular.”
My heart nearly stopped. Had he possibly detected my growing feelings for him? But I noticed that he kept looking past my shoulder at Katerina. He couldn’t keep his eyes off her for even a second while he danced with me.
“Douglas,” I finally said. “I’m still thinking a lot about Douglas.”
“I see,” Jackson said after a long pause. He pressed me closer to him. “No more talking. How about we just dance?”
Too unnerved by his closeness to protest, I just nodded. We silently swayed to the music. As the song came to a close, Jackson took a step back, his gaze roving intimately over my face. His hands were still on my arms, and the racing heat I felt at his touch was … intoxicating. I wanted to tell him he was the one who’d begun to occupy my thoughts, that I hadn’t felt this way with anyone before, not even Marcus, and how I desperately wanted to know everything about him that he seemed so intent on hiding from me. I opened my mouth to say just that when a splattering of applause cut short the moment and the band switched to prerecorded music.
I turned to see Katerina take her bows, and Jackson gave me a polite nod, releasing my arms. He approached the stage to help her down before wrapping his arms around her waist. She stood on tiptoe to kiss him, and for the first time since Marcus jilted me, I felt a searing pain, and I knew with heart-wrenching certainty that I had somehow, without noticing, fallen in love with Jackson Taylor.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
The Ghosts of Relationships Past
As I watched Jackson with Katerina, Liz must have sensed my revelation because she appeared out of nowhere, slipping her arm around my shoulders.
“I don’t seem to do so well at weddings,” I whispered, blinking back tears.
“Let’s get you out of here,” she said, squeezing my arm.
I took some time to mull over my feelings when I got back to my apartment later that evening. Maybe I wasn’t in love with Jackson. Maybe it was just physical attraction. Infatuation.
But I knew those two theories were utterly bogus. I had been in love before. It was like having a disease or something. Once you’ve had it, you know the symptoms of having it again. Only this time, the disease seemed much worse. At least when I fell in love with Marcus, I knew he loved me. In fact, we were in a steady relationship, and he was the one who dropped the L-bomb first. I’d known pretty much all there was to know about Marcus when I fell in love with him. All I knew about Jackson was that he’d been married, refused to talk about whatever happened to end it, and he was in love with Just Katerina. Up until last week I didn’t even like the guy, or so I thought. Loving him made no logical sense. But did love ever make sense?
I was still debating the logic of my feelings when Mom called. For a moment, I considered not answering. I didn’t want to hear about her drama with the Zygote when I was dealing with a relationship tsunami of my own. But my guilt won me over, and I answered.
“Adrian.” Mom was sobbing.
“Mom? Is everything all right?” I asked, panicked.
“Laurence and I broke up!”
“Whew,” I said, reliev
ed. “I thought something really awful happened.”
“Adrian Lexley!” Mom shouted. “That’s extremely insensitive of you!”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I said, contrite. “What happened?”
She told me that she and Laurence had been fighting more and more lately. He recently got a job in Paris that would take him away for a few months, and rather than do the whole long-distance thing, he just wanted to end things between them.
“Oh no,” I said, trying to sound as sympathetic as I could. “Is there anything I can do?”
“I would love some company,” Mom sniffed. “Did your father have his wedding?”
“Yes,” I said after hesitating for a moment. There was a long silence on the other end of the line. “I’ll come over tomorrow. And we can have a whole day together. How does that sound?”
“Great,” Mom said, though her voice was tinged with sadness. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Mom hung up, and I stared down at the phone with guilt. I suppose I should have acted a bit more sympathetic, but I never really liked the Zygote. I just didn’t trust models. No one should be that attractive. It was unnatural. How could a human being be human without flaws?
I was glad to have Mom’s relationship problem to help me forget about my inexplicable love for Jackson. I tossed and turned that night, trying to focus on his faults—and there were many. But every time I conjured up the annoying way he chewed his gum, all I could think about was the magical way his lips seemed to fit on mine, and I couldn’t concentrate. When I finally did fall asleep, I had a bizarre dream in which I was a turtle (!) trying desperately to catch up with Jackson and Katerina, who were both giraffes (!!!). For some reason we were in the African wilderness, and a zebra was hot on our trails. Just as the zebra caught up to me, Jackson and Katerina made their escape, and I woke up in a cold sweat. Weird.
On the train to where Mom lived up in Westchester, all I could think about was how tame things had been with Marcus as opposed to the explosive feelings I had for Jackson. Marcus had been a great friend, whom I felt comfortable with and loved. If anything, he was that comfortable eighties T-shirt Liz had referred to. We seemed to mesh, we seemed to fit. And at the time I was just fine with that. But Jackson? He was the brand-new trendy designer shirt that may or may not fit, but I was drawn to it for reasons I couldn’t understand. And when I wore it I felt like a whole new person. Hmm. The T-shirt analogy could work in more ways than I thought.
