A Dangerous
Way to Love
By Shani Greene-Dowdell
© All Rights Reserved 2019
www.shanigreenedowdell.com
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Raven!”
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “Raven!”—
Merely this, and nothing more.
Quote From Edgar Allen Poe’s, “The Raven”
Two Months Before Jeb and Tameka’s Wedding…
Chapter One
Van
Evermore
Midnight always had a way of making me feel weak and weary. At this hour, I spent the most time trying to come to terms with why I lost her that fateful night. Tormenting questions swirled around in my mind, making me wonder how I let her slip away from me. Why wasn’t I there for her like I vowed to be? Why didn’t I stand as a man and be all that she needed me to be as a husband? Why did I let her leave the sanctuary of our home? But the most prominent question in my mind was, why wasn’t it me that died instead of her?
I failed her. Point. Blank. Period. I did. And I would forever be broken, knowing I had to live in a world where there was no Raven. Her shimmering bronze skin, I could never forget an inch of it. I thought of its glow as her hopeful, brown eyes peered into my imagination.
My tired gray eyes trembled shut, and I hoped like hell something resembling sleep would transpire soon. I had held my eyes open for so long that I could no longer fight what was inevitable. Sleep tugged at my consciousness, trying to pull me in for yet another night of unfulfilled deadness.
Every night before I retired to bed, it was the same thing. I stared out of my open window, looking down the long, gravel driveway leading to and from my massive estate. Every night, I would think of her. The way she fled from here. The way it all ended. The dying embers of our love smothered me on repeat. Thinking of her brought one of my biggest skeletons to the forefront. A skeleton I tried daily to keep at bay. A skeleton larger than life.
I had killed her.
Each night, after going through a range of emotions, I laid down in the bed where I tossed and turned. At some point, while lying under the midnight moon, and it was like clockwork, my body would go completely still. My mind would slow down. And, at long last, my eyes would close, as they are doing now. The moment that tried its hardest to evade me was about to bless me with its presence.
Sleep. I drifted off into it, thanking the heavens for allowing me at least a moment of mental silence. Yet, it was indeed only a moment. A gentle rapping at my front door startled me back to consciousness, relieving me of the reprieve I had barely gotten the opportunity to enjoy.
I growled as I looked at the clock and saw that only ten minutes had passed since the last time I saw the numbers on its face.
Reluctantly, I scrambled to my feet, wondering who could be at my door this late at night. It was a bleak night in the chilly month of March. Spring was upon us, but it was still cold outside in Alabama.
Hearing light taps at my front door was not only a rarity but alarming. I made my way to the door, and a magical feeling of yesteryear greeted me. I suddenly felt as if I was about to greet my wife after she’d returned home from a short grocery store trip. This feeling pushed me to the door at a faster pace. Was this Raven coming back to me?
Oh, how I longed to borrow more time with her. If only I could have one more second staring at her regally beautiful face, seeing her smile, or hearing her sultry voice. I would settle for just one of those things.
Raven.
The sound of her name roamed through my mind. She was as lovely as her name, a beautiful Raven, rare and radiant just like an angel.
The faint taps at the door brought me back to the visitor. The rustling of the brown curtains in the living room somehow filled me with hope. It was hope I didn’t understand until a supernatural presence in the room stilled my wildly beating heart, and my footsteps came to a halt.
“Is it you, Raven?” I called out as if she were right in front of me. And she was. I could feel her unique essence surround me like a blanket. It was her, everything about her, and it was a wonderful feeling. Her smell, I could breathe it in once more. I could hear her call out my name, and the sound was like music to my ears.
Raven’s warmth covered me completely. There was no one in the room with me, but she was all over me. To be able to lay my eyes on her would be like the answered prayer that I had prayed to God many times before. I often asked for the chance to see her just one more time.
“It is me, your evermore...” her voice permeated the thin air in a whisper, ever so sweetly. ‘Evermore’ was the very thing she used to say to me when we first fell in love.
Before…
My heart fluttered and broke. Knowing my actions snuffed the life out of her earthly body ruined me. I couldn’t bear to think of the way I lost her. My weary soul grew sadder upon hearing those two words. Your evermore. The precious sound of the terms of endearment that she coined for me was everything I had hoped and dreamed of for this past year.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” I said as I stood alone in a room that had come alive with all that my wife…was.
I told myself this was yet another dream that felt too real. It had to be. There was no way Raven was coming back to me after all that had been said, all that had been done.
“You’re not dreaming,” she answered my thoughts, and my breathing slowed to a halt as she appeared in the flesh.
For the faintest moment, I could see her oval brown face and heart-melting, crescent smile that had the perfect little gap in her front teeth. She was a sight to behold, and this blessing of her presence was enough to keep me satiated with grace forever and a few days more. That was until the moment her naturally gorgeous form faded away to a malnourished, dusty skeleton that was merely a sack of ugly bones. Where the steering wheel had indented her chest, breaking her ribcage and causing her death as the impact punctured her lungs, was painfully visible.
My heart sank as I watched her devolve into the semblance of death. Yet, I was unable to take my eyes off of what she had become. What I made her become.
I collapsed at her feet.
“I’m so sorry, my Raven. So very—”
“You,” she said, and her voice went from a loving and sweet tone to a rumbling growl that could scorch the Earth. “Did this to me,” she continued.
The accusation in the vibrations of those words shook my core and humbled me like a lamb. Even in death, Raven was letting me know how deeply and irrevocably bad I hurt her.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized to her lifeless body, once again, but she wasn’t there for it. She had disappeared into thin air.
I gripped the air where she had been standing tightly into the palms of my hands. I came up with nothing. There was only darkness and loneliness in the room. She was gone, and I didn’t get the chance to tell her how much I loved her. It pained me to know my Raven had gone before I could say goodbye, again.
I kneeled in that spot, kissing the ground her skeleton had walked on until I could no longer imagine her there. My heart was on fire in my chest as I went back to my room and went back through the routine of staring out of my window at the tall oak tree in my front yard, reliving the night she left me.
When I finally retired to bed for the second time, the knocking started again. It came moments before sleep was upon me a
s it did before. This time, I ignored it. I didn’t have the mental strength to chase Raven’s ghost again.
✦
12:38 a.m.
There was no chance in hell that I would be getting any rest tonight. Raven’s visits always brought on hopelessly long and sleepless nights. She had visited me countless times, but she never knocked on the door and revealed herself in the flesh like she did this time. For a glorious few seconds, she was right there with me, standing in our foyer. And now, she was gone. I was left looking at the ceiling with that memory playing in my mind on repeat.
With sleep out of the question, I got dressed, thinking a change of scenery would do me some good. I planned to ride around the city and take in some fresh air while trying to understand why a man who had inherited things other people only dreamed of couldn’t have the one thing he wanted more than anything. My wife.
I walked into my closet and looked at my shirts. They were all aligned by color, length, and texture. The shoes were aligned by color, type, and designer. Basically, everything in the closet was in perfect order as I required everything to be in my life. Well, actually, aligning the colors was easy because I only owned shades of brown, ranging from beige to mocha to dark chocolate. I never deviated from those colors. The truth is, I never deviated from any of my norms.
Furniture, black or brown.
Clothes, a shade of brown.
Coffee, dark.
Women, medium brown.
Thoughts of Raven’s succulent mocha skin that so beautifully wrapped around her shapely body flooded my mind. A tug at my heart prompted me to bend over and put on my shoes. I had to get out of this house to escape my thoughts. It was the only way.
I removed a pair of brown Mezlans, dark brown slacks, and a tan shirt from the closet. After dressing, I splashed myself with a bit of cologne, grabbed my keys, and left home with no idea of where I was going.
Auburn was a big city compared to the Beauregard area, which was a rural little town where there was anything from massive estates to small trailer park communities. My small town was already shut down for the night. Not one light was on as I drove down Society Hill Road headed to Auburn. We didn’t have many night lights in our town, and the few that illuminated from businesses shut down after ten.
Once in Auburn, I rode around the city, taking in old, rustic buildings that had been standing since my great grandparents were alive. Most impressive was the construction. This city was growing in leaps and bounds, and high-rise apartment buildings were the new rave of the city that had once been a traditional small town in Alabama with ordinances against tall buildings.
I slowed down as I reached the one place that stood out from the other late-night bars. I had gone to Club Elite before, but I wasn’t really a clubbing type of guy. Something about tonight was different. The club’s sign, blinking like a neon light on the hill, drew me to it as if I were a firefly. The mocha beauty holding a microphone in her hand next to the words Alise is Back on the Mic Tonight had my full attention.
My heart tightened at the sight of her. My Raven. She looked just like my Raven, and dare I say she was even prettier. How was this even possible?
I pulled into the club’s parking lot, found a parking space, and walked briskly to the door, eager to see the breathtaking woman holding the microphone. As expected from the many cars in the parking lot, the place was jam-packed. Some people were chattering amongst themselves, some dancing, but most were glued to the well-lit, albeit smoky, stage, watching the loveliest songbird to ever grace a mic.
“I refuse to let you go. If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy, I don’t mind because you mean that much to me. I ain’t too proud to beg,” her voice permeated the room with rousing soul. She somehow managed to sing The Temptations “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” in a slower, more soulful—and who could get more soulful than the Temptations?—way that was miraculous to witness. I stood in awe of her. Watching Raven was mind-blowing in more ways than one.
Did I just call her Raven?
The resemblance was unreal. With long, flowing natural hair, a gorgeous smile, dimpling at the corners of her lips as she worked the crowd, and smooth, rich brown skin that looked not a day over eighteen, she was a remarkable creature. All of that, along with the slightest gap in her front teeth, worked together to create a beauty I thought God had broken the mold for when he made my Raven.
She ended The Temptations’ ballad and started another, this time looking in my direction.
“All my life, I've waited to see your smile again. In my mind, I hated not able to let go. Come back to me. I'm beggin’ you, please. Come back to me.” As she crooned Janet Jackson’s “Come Back to Me,” I was transported to a joyful time in my life.
I closed my eyes and envisioned Raven dancing around the house, singing along to the beat. It was one of her favorite songs. She wasn’t a professional singer, but her sound was unique and so beautiful to me. I used to smile so big when she danced and sung her heart out.
I narrowed my eyes and stared intently at the woman on stage as she bellowed out the tune. “Come back to me. I’m beggin’ you, please…”
You came back to me, Raven.
At that moment, my eyes widened with a revelation. My Raven had come back to me, just like she always said she would. It was true. That was why she had come back to me in the physical form at home tonight. She was trying to tell me to come here and that this was where she would be. While none of what I was thinking actually made sense, I so badly wanted it all to be true. My next breath depended on it.
“That’s my time, y’all. I’m Alise. Make sure you check out my new single ‘Love Me Again!’ It’s out on iTunes, so you know what to do. Oh, and Like my Facebook page, too.” She paused and smiled. “It has been so much fun hanging out with you all tonight. Make sure you come back out and see me Saturday night. We’re going to be doing 90s hits! Muah!” She blew a kiss in my direction, and I sat straight up in my chair as her tender gaze lingered on mine for a few seconds.
I watched her every movement as she walked off the stage. A big buff dude who I assumed was her security walked over to guide her down the steps. I didn’t miss the fact that he had been watching her intently as I had throughout her set. Something about the way he regarded her as he helped her back to her seat unsettled me.
She wasn’t his. She was mine, my Raven.
She walked over to a table where two women were seated and gave them high fives and hugs. Minutes later, she left the table and walked toward the restrooms.
This is your chance, I told myself as I got up to follow her.
I waited outside the door until she strutted back out. This was the moment I had waited for months to arrive. It was here. My chance to stare into the face of Raven reincarnated was ripe for the taking, and I reveled in every moment. Without looking at her surroundings, she turned toward the direction of her table but came crashing into me.
“Beautiful voice.”
“Excuse me?” she asked with a startled tremble in her voice.
She clutched the gold necklace she was wearing as if to comfort herself. The chain had two charms hanging from it, a golden heart and charm that had the words “Love Me Again” carved out of it. When she was on stage, she mentioned “Love Me Again” was a song she’d written, and that it was on sale on iTunes. I had to hear it. I longed to know what lyrics flowed from her dear heart. If I were a betting man, I would bet that everything about it was beautiful, just like her.
I reached out to touch her hand that was clutching her necklace, then dragged it to rest inside my palm. Not even the wrinkle of her perfectly arched brow made me want to stop caressing her hand. It was tender to the touch and small, just like my Raven’s hands used to be. She may have felt I was some type of stalker standing out here waiting for her like this, but this was much more. Deeper. A reconnection that was meant to be.
“You have a beautiful voice, Rav— I mean, Alice.”
“Uh, thanks,” she said, sha
king my hand briskly, neighborly even. “But it’s Alise, pronounced A-lease.”
I stepped toward her, and she stepped back instinctively. Every time I reached for her hand, she moved further away from me, refusing to even breathe in the same air as I was breathing. I hoped I didn’t upset her by not pronouncing her name correctly. That was a mistake I never planned to make again. She said her name when she gave her closing words on the stage, but I had gotten so caught up into thinking she was Raven that I misspoke.
“I’m so sorry. Forgive me, please.”
I deflated a little with that apology for two reasons. One, it was the apology I should have given Raven. Two, it was an admission that she, in fact, wasn’t Raven. Small dimples on the sides of her face were proof of this. Raven had dimples near her lips. Alise had them there too, but she also had them in her cheeks when she was forcing a smile as she was doing at this moment. The resemblance was so close that I had to suppress the urge to pull her into my arms and never let her go.
“Well, I’m going back out there to be with my friends,” she said while looking around briefly. The discomfort on her face was evident as I continued to block her path to the lounge area. She didn’t want to be in the dark space alone with me, and that much was written on her face. “I hope you come back Saturday,” she said with a smile that unleashed her double-set dimples on me again.
Her smile not only made the blood pump faster through the chambers of my heart, but it also made my dick jump in my pants.
“I most definitely will be back,” I told her, returning a pleasant smile.
She wiggled her hand out of mine. I was reluctant to let her go. I never wanted to, not now that I had her again.
She sidestepped and moved out of my grasp, leaving me with a sudden empty feeling. I watched each step as she walked away from me. As much as I wanted to believe she was mine, a blind man could see that her movements were much looser than Raven’s. The spunk Alise had on stage vibrated through her footsteps and traveled up to her nice, round backside.
A Dangerous Way to Love (Dangerous Bonds Book 3) Page 1
