I wasn’t sure if I was angry at his assumption or embarrassed by the way my eyes kept wandering down to his body. His abs were perfect, six strong grooves of defined muscle that made my mouth water. His pecs were solid boulders and his sharp hipbones flanked a soft trail of dark hair that tempted my eyes a little lower.
Shaking my head at my thoughts, I glowered at him. “You don’t understand.”
He shrugged then settled on the bed beside me. I wished he’d cover himself up. “Then make me understand. Your family is dead. Your reaction to Grant’s call. You were scared, Alice. I know that fear, and I saw it in your eyes.”
“It’s not like that.” My mouth was dry and the young pup was trying desperately to transfer his saliva into my mouth. Carter grabbed hold of him and placed him on the floor.
“Alice, I know we hardly know each other. But I’d like to think we’re friends.”
I nodded. “Me too.”
“Then let me help you. I can listen. And believe me, I understand your grief, the pain of it, the way it consumes you daily. The agony of so much guilt that sometimes it hurts to breathe.”
His pain was crushing and my sadness for him swamped me. “I know,” I whispered. I reached out for him and he smiled when I lay my hand on his cheek. “But you have no idea of the agony of guilt. It wasn’t your fault Elizabeth died.”
Her name from my mouth caused him to wince but he said nothing about it. “And it wasn’t your fault your family died either.”
Dropping my hand, I shook my head. “That’s where you’re wrong.”
“Alice, you can’t…”
“My mother, Mary Ellen Bird. My father, Henry Bird. Billy, William Bird, my little brother,” I whispered as I stared at the floor, wincing as my heart opened to this man I hardly knew. “And my son, Joshua Henry Redman.”
I caught Carter tense with the last name. The familiar hatred began to bubble inside me.
“They are all dead because of what I did.”
Carter was quiet for a moment. The hangover that had suddenly decided to surface made my eyes water but I brushed it aside.
“Tell me,” he asked softly.
Curling my arms around myself, I squeezed my eyes closed. “I fell in love with Niall Redman when I was eighteen. He was caring, gentle, and he loved me. My family loved him as their own and Billy looked up to him like a brother.”
Carter was silent. I knew he daren’t move or speak in case I decided to stop. But I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t ever stop. It had been too long, and the tide had finally reached the shore.
“I married him on my twentieth birthday.”
“You’re married?”
I nodded. “Yes. We were happy. Very happy. Then I found out I was pregnant and life was perfect.” I sighed. “And then it all went wrong.”
I felt Carter slip his hand into mine, his fingers threading through mine before he gave me a tight squeeze. “It’s okay, Alice. They’re just memories. They can’t hurt you.”
I laughed bitterly. “But they do. Every damn day.”
“What happened?”
“Niall was such a physical man, active, always needing to do something. He was only happy when his body was sweating and working.” A tear slipped free and I brushed it away. “He built me a house. It was the most perfect house; everything I ever dreamed of. He involved me in everything and together we made that house a home.”
“That’s how you learned to renovate this place?”
I nodded. “Yeah.” My heart grew heavy and I sighed. “One day Niall was working on the roof. It was raining heavily and I told him to leave it until it calmed, but he wanted it to be finished. He was always so impatient. He slipped and fell. And he broke his spine in three places.”
“Oh God.”
“He was never the same after,” I whispered as the chill set into my bones. “He became so hateful of everything, so angry at life, and he became a man I didn’t recognise. I tried so hard, but everything I did to help him wasn’t good enough. He was a proud man, and suddenly his wife was wiping his ass for him.”
The pup sat looking at me with his beautiful, huge eyes. Giving him a smile, I picked him up and settled him on my lap, my fingers kneading him through his short coat.
“Even after eighteen months he was still angry. His physio was paying off though, and I still remember him taking his first steps.”
“So he learned to walk again?”
“Yeah. Niall was persistent. But where I thought he was still struggling,” I swallowed and shivered, “he had been working at it, forcing himself to get stronger and stronger. But he hid it from me, pretended to still be the cripple I had come to hate.”
“You hated him because he was a cripple?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Because he blamed me, and he made me pay every day for that damn house I wanted.”
Carter sat still beside me but his eyes came to mine. “How did he make you pay, Alice?”
I scoffed. “Well let’s just say, he lost the use of his legs… but never his fists.”
He sucked in a breath. “He hurt you.”
“He did, over and over,” I whispered. “And now you’re thinking, ‘Why didn’t you run if he couldn’t run after you, Alice?’”
“Well, I did wonder.”
“Because he was right, wasn’t he?” Carter scowled at me and I shrugged. “I wanted a perfect house, Carter. I was the spoiled rich kid that wanted everything. And he built it for me without a second thought. He would have given me the world if I’d asked for it. And if I hadn’t asked, he wouldn’t have paid the price someone had to pay for a perfect life.”
“That’s utter bullshit. You should have run, Alice.”
I laughed again. “Oh, I did.”
He frowned. “You did?”
Nodding, I covered my mouth and swallowed when the pain started to overwhelm me. “Straight into the arms of another man.”
Carter closed his eyes. “Grant?”
“Yep, and Grant fell in love with me. But I refused to leave Niall. I was still in love with him despite what he did to me. I just wanted someone to love me, Carter. Someone to hold me and make it all better, even if for just half an hour. I wanted to forget the failure of what I was, what life was, and how everything hurt all the time.” I baulked. “And then, at Josh’s birthday party, he told Niall.”
“Oh Christ.”
The pup was knocking my hand, snuggling his nose into my palm when the tears finally became a dam that couldn’t be held back. “I had forgotten candles. Fucking candles!” I cried. “I went to fetch some. I was gone thirty minutes. The longest fucking thirty minutes of my life.”
Carter’s arms surrounded me. “Shh.”
“No!” I shouted. “I can’t. I heard them, Carter. I heard their screams but I couldn’t get to them. The fire was so… so fucking angry that I couldn’t get to them! And I tried. I tried.”
A pain tore at my heart and I screamed as it burned me from the inside out. “I could hear Josh’s screams. My baby’s screams for me.”
Carter rocked me as I bent double and vomited all over the carpet, my grief exploding from me in waves of agony and torture. “My baby. My beautiful baby boy.”
The pup whined. Carter shushed me. But all I heard was my own screams morphing with the echo of theirs when the grief took me into the darkness.
THE MORNING LIGHT lit the room when I opened my eyes. I was encased in Carter’s arms, his hard body tucked in tight behind me and his soft snores in my ear making me smile. It had been so long since a man had held me that for a long time I couldn’t move. He was such a strong man, and his arms, if for the wrong reason, felt so good. I could pretend, for the briefest moment, that my life was right again, that my family sat in front of the fire on this sunny Sunday morning, drinking coffee and reading the papers like they used to. Josh would still be sleeping soundly, and Billy would already be up and at his regular Sunday football training session.
The banging of my sku
ll reminded me I needed coffee and painkillers so I slipped out of bed gently and dragged on my robe. Walking into the kitchen, I smiled when I saw the pup curled into a soft bed. He yawned, stretched, then came to greet me with his tail wagging furiously.
“Good morning.” I giggled when his wet nose hit my face. Although I did groan when I spotted his night time toilet deposits. “How good of you.”
I opened the back door and he bounced off into the gardens as I cleared up the mess then started a pot of coffee.
Autumn was now in and I grabbed the fur throw by the door and took it on to the patio. The pup was exploring his new territory and the birds sang to me as they usually did, yet my heart lay heavy inside me. I could see my beach from where I sat, and frowned. Something was different.
“Morning.”
I jumped and looked at Carter when he joined me and took the chair beside me.
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to make you jump.”
“You didn’t light your fire.”
He nodded, looking out to the ocean as he took a sip of his coffee. “Didn’t want to leave you.” His eyes moved to me. “Stupidity can never be reversed.”
My cheeks heated. “I haven’t used for five months now.”
“And if I hadn’t turned up last night?”
I shrugged, unable to answer his question. “Why did you come?”
“I wanted to surprise you with the dog.”
I smiled and looked to the pup who had evidently found something of interest in the flower bed. “He’s perfect. Thank you. Although he needs a name. Any ideas?”
Carter blew out a breath. “No good with that sort of thing I’m afraid.”
We sat in silence for a while before I found the courage to ask the question that had been spinning around my head for a while. “Why?”
He frowned at me. “Why what?”
“You hated me, Carter. I irritated you, yet now you want to be friends. Why now?”
He sighed. “The day in the park.” He took a sip of his coffee and looked away as if his explanation would embarrass him. “Me and Elizabeth would sit on that bench. She used to work in the library and we’d meet for dinner.”
I tensed. “Oh God, I’m sorry, I’m such a…”
“No,” he said quickly. “It was the first time in a long while that I’ve smiled. That place hurts. Yet along you came, your mouth running riot, and I smiled. And for a moment I…”
When he clammed up I reached out and grabbed his hand. “You forgot.”
He nodded, the pain on his face making me hurt with him. “As awful as that sounds.”
I shook my head. “You didn’t forget, Carter. You just focussed on something else for a moment.”
“They all say it gets easier. But it doesn’t. It never does. Look to the future, they say. Yet I can’t see a future, Alice. You know?”
“I know,” I whispered. “Dealing with grief doesn’t come with rules. Sometimes the only way to deal with it is to look to the past, to remember. Allow it to bring you a smile. You don’t have to forget. You shouldn’t ever forget. Use the past to help you breathe because the future can’t promise anything but pain.”
He shrugged and I could tell he was embarrassed when he gazed at me, his eyes roaming down to my mouth. I licked my lips nervously and looked back out to the garden, drinking my coffee and trying to avoid his stare. His soft chuckle made me scowl playfully at him. “Yes, my mouth does have a mind of its own.”
His grin widened. “I was just thinking how pink your lips were.” I blinked at him. “And perhaps I like the random shit that spews from it.”
I lifted an eyebrow and his chuckle deepened. “You’re unique, Alice. I like that about you.”
I swallowed and nodded. “Uhh, thank you, I guess.”
His expression sobered for a moment. “The burns on your chest and stomach…” He spoke quietly and I stiffened. “They show just how brave you are, Alice. Don’t ever be ashamed of them.”
“It wasn’t bravery,” I whispered. “If I was brave I would have walked through those flames and…”
“And died with them,” he cut in firmly. “And then your whole family would have been gone. You keep them alive, Alice. And I know that they’re proud of you for that.”
I scoffed and turned away.
“Elizabeth was having an affair.”
It was thrown out there, so out of the blue that I snapped my head around. He was looking to the sea and I gulped.
“She was carrying someone else’s baby. It wasn’t mine.”
“I’m sorry.”
He shook his head. “All I’m saying is, if it had been me that had drowned that night, nobody would have carried on with my name. My blood would have just ended. You should be proud that you give your family life through you, Alice.” I nodded. Carter laughed though. “You know, the rumour is that I killed her because she had a lover.” There was bitterness in his voice but the humour overrode it. “People seem to have trouble separating gossip and the truth, and unfortunately they choose the most exciting one. There’s plenty of gossip around here. That’s the trouble with such a small community. Everyone knows, or think they know, your whole life story.”
The pup came running to me and I screwed up my face in disgust when he dropped his own lump of poo at my feet. “Holy hell.” I gagged when Carter laughed loudly, his booming roar contagious, and before long we were both cracked up with laughter, the pup wagging his tail excitedly at our reaction to his gift.
“Ugh,” I mumbled, wiping away the tears of laughter. “I need a shower.”
Carter nodded and lifted himself out of the chair when I stood. “I’ll leave you to it.”
I bit my bottom lip nervously. “Umm…”
He frowned. “What is it?”
“I, uhh…” I cleared my throat. “Umm well I want to go to my family’s grave. I couldn’t go yesterday, too hard. I wondered if…”
Carter took my hand and squeezed. “I’d be honoured to come with you.”
Blowing out a relieved breath, I smiled. “Thank you.”
“But only if you let me take you to dinner after.”
Every part of me froze. “Like… like on a date?” His soft smile and gentle touch on my face made me relax and I rolled my eyes. “Sorry, I’m…”
“Yes, on a date, Alice. Why is that so hard to believe?”
I shrugged, shame flaring a deep ache in my belly. “Well, I thought after I told you about having an affair, and Elizabeth…”
“I didn’t hit Elizabeth,” he grumbled. “And you’re not Elizabeth.”
“No,” I whispered. “But that didn’t make it right.”
“It’s just dinner, Alice. I’m not asking to marry you.”
His tone was gruff and his words were blunt, making me cringe, but I nodded. “Give me an hour and I’ll be ready.”
I could feel his eyes on me as I swiftly made my way inside. I didn’t want to see the softness in his eyes anymore. I didn’t deserve sympathy or understanding, and I couldn’t help but wonder if Carter had understood the level of my depravity, because he should hate me. More than I hated myself.
CARTER DECIDED TO drive and I was grateful for that when he picked me up a little later in a beautiful, shiny black sports car – don’t ask me what it was, I’m crap at all that man shit. It was sleek and fast. Oh, and it smelled really, really good. Nothing could ever beat that new car smell – well, apart from homemade bread, that’s hands down unbeatable.
“Very nice,” I said as I slid into the soft leather seat and snuggled down.
Carter shrugged but I could see the pride in his face. Men and their toys! “Where are we going?” he asked as he slowly pulled away.
I gave him the location and settled back for the ride. We drove in a comfortable silence but the question I had been itching to ask him since that morning was whirling around my head and I couldn’t settle.
Eventually Carter sighed and glanced at me. “Will you just say it?”
&nb
sp; I winced at his tone and his intuition but forced out the question. “I just wondered how well you know David.”
He frowned, casting another glance my way, but this time it was stern. “Why?”
I shrugged. “I dunno. Just asking.”
“Alice, you never just ask. There’s always something in everything you ask.” When I glared at him then turned to the window, he sighed. “I don’t know him too well. He moved into my old place about a year ago and then took the governor’s job at Dartmoor prison and…”
Suddenly, he clammed up and I squealed when he yanked the car into a layby.
“Fuck!” he hissed, his wide eyes staring at me with concern. “He’s there, isn’t he? Niall. He’s in Dartmoor.”
My mouth dried and I nodded. “Yeah.”
Carter stared at me and I didn’t know what else to say so I just shrugged.
“Does he know who you are, Alice?”
“No. He only knows me as Alice Bird, my maiden name. But…” I shook my head. “He can’t find out, Carter.” I grabbed his hands and gripped them. “Please don’t tell him. I don’t want Niall to find out where I am. I don’t want people to know!”
“I’m sure he’s not allowed to even…”
“Niall pleaded not guilty. He wrote to me. He didn’t ever stop begging and pleading with me. I sent them all back, and for the first time in a long while, I feel safe in Mousehole. I can’t risk…”
“It’s okay. I won’t tell him, but I’m sure…”
“I can’t risk it, Carter. I can’t.”
“Hey.” His fingers gently framed my face, and he dipped his head, bringing his face in line with mine. “I promise.”
Nodding, I tried to give him a smile but it was more like a grimace. I trusted him, even though I hardly knew him, yet a slip of the tongue and the peace I’d managed to find would be shot into a million pieces. I couldn’t risk that. “I’m sure David is the most professional guy out there, but I know how prison officers get close to the inmates. It wouldn’t take much for Niall to feed him a cock and bull story about being the wronged man and then…” I shrugged.
Night Fires Page 6
