When I was home on Saturdays I called to check on Daddy, who was slowly getting better, yet, as Josh explained, he'd never be totally healthy again. When I talked to him, he sounded happy to hear from me and would ask me about my life, my job, my writing. At the end of every conversation, he'd say, "I love you, pretty girl." His new attitude towards me kept me off-balance.
Mama didn't go home. James went to visit her in Houston again and said she was living with some old, rich man. He brought Albert back to Jean Ville to live with Daddy because everyone thought it was a better situation. Tootsie moved into James's old bedroom in the back of the house and did a great job of loving Sissy and Albert and raising them into beautiful, caring young people, something Mama probably would have failed at.
*
One June morning I awoke to a peculiar smell outside the window of Lilly's bedroom. I slipped out of bed and walked barefoot across the hall to the bathroom. I thought I heard a cat crying under the floorboards and, other than that faint sound, there was an eerie silence in the house. I brushed my teeth and went to the kitchen to start the coffee pot when I felt cold chills run up my spine and the taste in my mouth turned from toothpaste-mint to lemon-sour in a millisecond.
I tiptoed into Emalene's bedroom as if I were expecting to encounter a burglar. Emma was propped on her pillows just as I had left her the night before and seemed to be sleeping peacefully, but something was not right, I could feel it in my soul.
I crept to the side of her bed, still expecting someone to jump out from behind a curtain or door and surprise me, yet it was so quiet I could have heard an intruder breathing had he been in the room with us. That's when I knew what was wrong.
No one was breathing. Not even me. I gasped and tried not to scream because I didn't want to scare Lilly. I scrambled onto Emalene's bed and lay my ear on her chest—no movement, no sound.
Suddenly the eerie silence was broken by the sound of a train running through my head, its whistle blowing, its coal engines churning, its iron wheels chugging. It was so loud and all encompassing that I couldn't think or feel or reason. The noise reverberated in my skull as if someone was throwing metal balls inside my head and they were pinging back and forth across my brain. I heard a scream, "Nooooooooooooo!" The silence outside my head broke wide open, and I knew that scream came from my own throat, from deep inside my chest.
"Nooooooooooooo!!" Emmmmmmmaaaaaaa!"
Lilly came running into the room in her pajamas and jumped onto the bed. We were both hovering over Emalene. I pumped her chest and Lilly tried to breathe into Emma's mouth as though we were performing CPR in tandem. I'm not sure how long we bounced on Emalene's bed trying to revive her or how long the train railed through my head and the smell of rotting leaves surrounded us, but at some point, Emma took a breath, and her eyelids fluttered. She gasped and started to cough.
I sat back on my heels, grabbed Lilly and rocked her in my lap while we cried and watched Emma breathe. I got two cold, wet rags from the bathroom and put one across Emma’s forehead, the other on her neck. She was sitting half-way up in bed and looked pale. She had a blank stare in her eyes that scared me. I kept trying to get her to talk, but she would look at me as though she didn’t understand what I was saying.
I called an ambulance then dialed Josh’s home phone. He answered on the first ring.
"It's Emma. She's stopped breathing. We brought her back with CPR, but her breathing is labored and shallow. She doesn’t look right. I called for an ambulance."
"I'll be right over." When he walked into the bedroom, Lilly was lying next to Emma, hugging her. Emma’s arms lay limp by her side but her eyes were opened, and she was breathing. I sat beside them, holding Emma's hand and rubbing Lilly's back, too stunned to cry any more.
Josh put his hands on my shoulders and pulled a little to get me to move so he could check on Emma. He put his stethoscope on her chest and moved it around, felt her neck with his fingers. She grinned at him, the first expression of real life she’d shown since I’d found her.
"Emma, the ambulance in on its way. We're going to take you to the hospital to see what's causing this breathing problem."
"Okay." It was good to hear Emma speak. Lilly crawled over Emma and into my lap.
We didn't go with Josh and Emma to the hospital because Josh said children weren't allowed on the floors, and that he'd keep us posted.
"The cancer is in one of the lobes in Emma's left lung," Josh told me on the phone. "Right now she's too weak for surgery so she's going to the rehab floor where they will help build her strength."
"How long will she be in the hospital?"
"That's something we have to discuss. I'm going to find Joe, and the three of us need to meet to talk about a long term-plan for Emma."
*
On Wednesday while Lilly was at school, Joe, Josh, and I met at a restaurant close to Shilling Publishing. Josh said that Emma would never be well again, and if she survived lung surgery and more chemo, she would need to be in a long-term care center.
"She can't stay at home anymore," Josh said. "Even with full-time care, she's too sick and frail."
"What's her long-term prognosis?" Joe pushed his food around his plate and never took a bite.
"I'm not sure how long she went without breathing before Susie brought her back, but indications are that she's lost some brain function. That complicates her physical problems."
"What are you saying, Josh?" I tried to keep my voice steady and concentrate. Josh was blunt. He told us that Emma would have surgery in two weeks to remove the lung cancer, then would recover in a rehab unit for a couple of weeks before being moved to a nursing home.
He said he didn't expect she would ever be normal again, even if she survived the cancer.
Joe didn't ask any questions, just stared at Josh as if he didn't understand the explanation. Eventually, he stood up and walked out of the restaurant.
The next day I went to visit Emma at the hospital. She didn't know me, although she smiled and we chatted. I talked about Lilly, but Emma didn't seem to understand who I was talking about. I was glad there was a rule about children not visiting patients in the hospital because Lilly would be devastated if Emma didn't know her.
"Her neurologist said that it's possible some of her brain function will return." Josh and I were in his car, parked in front of Lilly's school on Friday afternoon, waiting for her to come out. Mr. Mobley often let us off early on Fridays and Josh had the weekend off, so we'd planned to take Lilly to Coney Island.
"As for her memory, I think that's one of the last functions to return." He was turned in his seat so he could look at me, his left arm over the steering wheel, hand dangling over the dashboard.
"So will she ever know Lilly?"
"I am not sure. It's very sad. She didn't know Joe when he went to see her, either." Josh put his right arm on the back of my seat and pinched my shoulder lightly. "I'm sorry, Susie. I know it was hard for you."
Emma survived lung surgery and went back to rehab. She was moved to a nursing home five weeks after I'd found her not breathing. Finally, Lilly could visit her.
"She might not know you, sweetheart," I tried to explain to Lilly that her mother looked different. She wore a turban because they'd shaved her hair. She was very thin, and her skin was splotched with red hives. I went to see her twice a week, and she began to know me as a regular visitor, but she didn't remember me from before she was hospitalized.
"She will know me. Mamas always know their little girls." Lilly was skipping down the sidewalk in her new white shoes and lace-trimmed socks. Josh was waiting in his BMW convertible at the curb. He got out of the car and came around to open the doors for us. Lilly slid into the back seat, I got in the front.
"Uncle Josh needs to explain, Lilly." I turned to Josh, anguish across my face. "I've tried to tell Lilly that her mother might not know her but she doesn't believe me."
"Let's not borrow trouble." He turned in his
seat so he could see Lilly who was sitting behind me. "But I don't want you to get hysterical if your mom can't remember you, Lil."
"What's hysterical?"
"Crying and screaming. If you do any of that, the people who run the facility won't let you come back. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"I guess so. But why would I scream and cry?"
"Let's just say that your mom looks different. She acts differently. You might not know her, and she might not know you." Josh reached behind my seat and patted Lilly's leg.
When we entered Emma's bright corner room with lots of windows, she was sitting up in bed. Lilly ran in the door yelling, "Mama," and jumped up into Emma's bed. Emma cringed and grabbed her chest, afraid Lilly would hug her and hurt her incision, still sore from surgery.
She looked over Lilly's brown curls at Josh and me; we were as surprised by Lilly's actions as Emma was. Lilly hugged Emma and slid under the covers next to her. Emma put her arm under Lilly's neck and her little head lay softly on Emma's shoulder.
We went to visit Emma every Saturday, and Emma learned to talk to Lilly about dolls and school and other things, in a generic way, but Lilly began to notice that her mother didn't remember her or her childhood. Joe continued to come home to the house in Springfield Gardens every Saturday and spent the night with Lilly so I could go to my apartment for a break. I never asked him where he lived during the week; in fact, we didn't talk much. The fourth Saturday after Emma had been moved to the nursing home, Lilly didn't want to go visit her.
"Let's do something else today, Susie. Maybe we can go somewhere with Uncle Josh." She refused to wear the pink dress I'd laid out on the bed for the visit with her mama and, instead, slipped into a pair of shorts and a T-shirt that didn't match. I wanted to laugh, but I held back and gently suggested we change her shirt to another, cleaner one.
"Josh is on call this weekend. Maybe you and I can go to the library?" I pulled the blinds open on her window and saw that it was drizzling outside.
"Okay." She seemed cheerful, even though this would be a day with only me.
After that, I insisted that we visit Emma at least once a month, but nothing changed in the way she responded to me, or Lilly. She was pleasant and distant, as though visiting with strangers. I knew Lilly was hurt and confused and I tried to keep her busy and make her feel loved.
Lilly became my whole world, and I wouldn't have traded that for anything. In fact, I realized I was no longer depressed and rarely thought about Rodney or worried about my dad and mom or any of the losses in my life.
I guess you could say I'd moved on. Finally.
*
One Saturday, Josh came over and took us to the park. It was a beautiful day and the black-backed gulls were out in force. Josh had his ever-present bag of popcorn and Lilly helped him feed the birds. Soon she was chasing one that took off with more than his share, and Josh and I sat on the bench to watch.
"I saw Joe this week." He was staring at one of the gulls, but I knew he didn't see the bird, or the concrete, or the trees. He was sad and thoughtful. "He wants me to talk to you about Lilly."
"What about Lilly?"
"He wants to move back in to the house and for you to move out."
“Just me? Or me and Lilly?”
“Just you.”
“I’m not leaving her. She needs me. She can come to live with me. I'll get a bigger place and Joe can move back in to their house."
"Joe has a girlfriend, a student. Seems he's been seeing her for a while, maybe before Emalene got sick. He says he's going to marry this girl."
"What about Lilly?"
"He has this vision of a happy little family." Josh looked up at Lilly who was running around in a circle chasing one of the gulls. "She needs her daddy."
"I'm her mother. I should have rights."
"You are her biological mother, but Joe and Emalene adopted her and have legal rights. You have none. They raised her from birth. Can you really take her from the only father she's ever known?"
"Joe has been an absent father for over a year while I've taken care of her. I'll get a lawyer. I'll fight for her."
"You should think about it first. Think about Lilly and think about yourself. It's a big responsibility that I'm not sure you're ready for."
"What do you think I've been doing this past year?" I was angry. I'd been there for Lilly, for Emalene, even for Joe when he was home. I'd taken on the world, and no one seemed to think anything of it.
I knew what he meant, though. I was sad and often despondent. It was time for me to get a grip, quit feeling sorry for myself, and move on with my life.
"Please don't be mad at me. I just want you to think about it before you decide." He put his arm on my shoulder. I resisted at first but eventually scooted closer, telling myself it was so we could hear each other without raising our voices.
"What's to think about? Lilly is my daughter. I would never desert her." I figured Josh was thinking that I had deserted her once, but that was a different Susie Burton. I'd grown up. I was ready to be her mother.
That evening I packed Lilly's things and took her to my apartment. I told her it would be better for us to be away from the house that held so much sadness, and she seemed to understand. In reality, I wanted her with me while I fought for her.
I went to see an attorney Mr. Mobley told me about who handled custody cases. The lawyer got a judge to sign an injunction giving custody of Lilly to me, pending a hearing, which would be held the following month.
I called Joe every day for a week and left messages, but he never answered the phone or called me back. Finally, Josh went to see Joe at the university where he taught.
"He said they served him with papers and it made him think." Josh was sitting in my den that evening after I put Lilly to bed. "He doesn’t want a court battle. He said maybe the two of you can share custody, like a divorced couple, where he could have her every other weekend. Something like that."
"I like that idea. Lilly needs her daddy. I don't want him out of her life." I was whispering in case Lilly was not yet asleep in the bedroom of my little apartment. “But we need to talk about it. I’ve tried to call him every day, and he doesn’t call me back.”
All the details had to be worked out with lawyers, and I stood firm on having legal custody of Lilly. I agreed that Joe could take her for weekend visits and could come to see her during the week if he wanted to.
At first, Joe was diligent about his visitation schedule, but after a couple months he would call and say something had come up and would reschedule. I made sure Lilly talked to him on the phone on weekends when he didn't pick her up, and we went out to the house in Springfield Gardens every couple weeks to get some of her things and let her revisit her home.
Sometimes Joe was there, but most times not.
Part Three: 1976-1983
Chapter Fifteen
***
Engaged
Lilly and I, with Josh's help, went on an apartment search and found a roomy two-bedroom with lots of windows. It was in a secure building with a doorman and elevators, and had a courtyard out back with a fenced playground. Joe had agreed to help pay the additional rent, as child support of sorts; he wanted Lilly to live in a nice neighborhood.
Neither of us were totally ready to let go of the past, so we had Lilly's bedroom furniture and Emalene's dining room table, chairs, and hutch moved to our new place along with all my things. We shopped together to select some new stuff that tied everything together and made us feel like we were stepping towards the future, even if they were baby steps.
We began to laugh again. Lilly shared her sadness with me, told me how much she missed her parents, and I listened and tried to be her rock, while all the time I missed them, too.
We were unpacking boxes in the kitchen of our new apartment when Josh arrived with pizza. It was nearing the end of August and Lilly would be starting first grade the following week. She was excited but
nervous. It would be a new school in a new area, but it was a beautiful part of Queens, and we weren't far from the nursing home where we visited Emma every Saturday and attended mass on Sundays.
Josh put Lilly to bed while I cleaned up the kitchen. He walked up behind me and put his arms around me, bent his head and kissed my neck through my hair. It was the first time he'd really touched me in that way in a year, and it surprised me because I had been distant and unapproachable. I turned inside his arms and faced him.
"What are you doing?"
"Letting you know how I feel. You don't have to feel it, too; just let me feel it for a moment." He put his chin on the top of my head as he spoke and I slowly raised my arms and put them around his neck. I bent back to look at him. One fat tear rolled down the right side of his face. I used my thumb to smear it off.
I can't say exactly when I knew I was in love with Josh Ryan. I felt like he had always been part of my life, and Lilly's. He still called me every day as he had for two years, and no matter how I responded to him, he was always the same Josh—solid, dependable, loving, non-judging.
I didn't really get over Rodney; I merely grew accustomed to living without him. It was a gradual thing.
"I think I'm ready for you to feel it. Maybe I'm ready to feel it, too." I tightened my grip on his neck and he bent to kiss me. It was a gentle, sweet, loving kiss and I felt it down to my toes. When he pulled away to look at me, I had my eyes closed.
"We can take it slow." He whispered, but I heard a question in his statement.
"Not too slow." I opened my eyes, and the way he was looking at me gave me chills down my arms and back. He kissed me again, and I felt his tongue lick the inside of my lips. He tasted minty and warm, and I could feel a wetness start to gather between my legs. It was the first time I'd been sexually aroused by anyone other than Rodney, and it took me by surprise. Josh rubbed my back with one hand, and the other found its way to the top of my butt. He started to kiss my ear and neck, and I lost myself in the way he felt and tasted and smelled. My nipples got hard and rubbed against his chest.
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