Patrick. Heaviness settled in her stomach at the thought of him and the pain he’d caused the O’Connors. “I don’t know what’s in that man’s head. To not even tell the family he’s alive. I swear to you, if he were within arm’s reach, I’d throttle him.”
“Provided there was anything left of him after Ian had his say.” Mrs. O’Connor shook her head. “Our poor Ian has been through so much these past years. And then to learn the brother he’d shared a special bond with has been lying to him, letting him grieve unnecessarily for a decade . . . I don’t know how he’ll make his peace with that.”
“What of you and your husband? You must be a bit upended learning your son’s alive and keeping his distance from you.”
Mrs. O’Connor squared her shoulders. “If Patrick thinks he can hide in the wilds of Canada to avoid giving his parents an explanation, he’ll soon discover he has sorely underestimated us.”
They laughed at that. The O’Connors were nothing if not persistent. Maura could almost feel sorry for her prodigal brother-in-law.
The kitchen door opened. Maura turned in that direction in time to see Ryan step inside, carrying an empty laundry basket in his arms. “It’s all hung on the line, though I cannot promise it’s done as neatly as you’d prefer.”
“Don’t you fret over that,” Mrs. O’Connor said. “Come greet our Maura. She’s among the living again.”
Ryan looked at her then. The warmth in his eyes sent an answering heat over her face. “Maura.” He set the basket down and crossed to her, taking the seat beside hers. “Dr. Jones said you might be up today or tomorrow. Seems he knows what he’s about.”
“Which means you can stop hounding him,” Mrs. O’Connor said to Ryan.
He smiled across the table. “If Burke would stop being so vague, I’d not need to press him to be certain he’s paying enough heed. I’ll not see our Maura neglected.”
Our Maura. Mrs. O’Connor had referred to her that way as well. Our. They claimed her. She belonged among them, something she’d only dreamed of. Other than Eliza and Aidan, Maura’d not belonged in anyone’s life for so long.
Our Maura.
She was immediately seized by a surge of emotion. “Pardon me.” She stood as quickly as she could and moved back into her room. Crying would require far more energy than she had, so she closed her eyes, holding back the tears that threatened.
The sound of heavy boots signaled Ryan’s arrival in the room behind her. She would have been embarrassed, but a small, quiet part of her had hoped he would follow her. Opening her eyes, turning and seeing him there, set the tears free.
He moved to her and wrapped her in his arms, holding her tenderly. “Mo stór,” he whispered. “What’s upset you?”
She leaned into his embrace. Mo stór. My darling. Hearing those words sent a tremor through her chest, one that set her lungs seizing again. One cough after another shook her entire frame.
Ryan held her closer. He rested his cheek against hers. “Tell me what you need, dear.”
She managed enough air to say, “Hold me.”
“For as long as you’d like, whenever you’d like.”
If she’d harbored any doubts that he cared for her, that his feelings were of a truly tender nature, that sentence, that promise, put them all to rest. How hard she’d tried to keep her distance from him. How firmly she’d tapped down her feelings for him. Yet, in that moment, pure gratitude filled her. Fate hadn’t allowed her to push away the gift of his kindness, his affection, his strength . . . his love.
The comfort he offered soothed her. She found she could breathe a bit easier. Her cough calmed as well. It would return; she knew that well enough. But in the moment, her lungs were calm.
Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the bare floor. “Where’s Aidan’s blanket? It’s usually right there.”
“Mrs. O’Connor and Dr. Jones thought it best he slept elsewhere. He’d rest better, and tending to you would be simpler.” Ryan rubbed her back, continuing to offer his support. “Ma would hear of nothing other than him staying with us in the loft where he slept before. He’s been a great help around the place and hasn’t missed school. He’s begun calling Ma Granny Callaghan, which pleases her to no end. James hasn’t brought his little one to see her as she’d assumed he would, which breaks her heart.”
“He is causing pain to someone he loves, someone who loves him. He ought not do that.”
“No, he ought not.”
She leaned back a bit and looked up into his deep blue eyes. “You know that I am not going to get better. The valley fever will clear, but my lungs were not healthy before this. They won’t ever be again.”
He brushed a hand along her cheek. “And you are worried about causing me pain, and feeling that you ‘ought not do that.’”
“I know what it is to lose someone you love,” she said.
“I am fully aware of what you’re facing, dear. And I am still here. I’ve chosen to be.”
Those words offered more comfort than he likely realized. “You did promise to hold me.”
“I stand by that promise, and every other one I will make to you.”
She closed her eyes once more and rested in his embrace. She would accept the comfort he offered. Once Dr. Jones gave them a better understanding of the time she had left, they could address the matter of what Ryan could take on, how much she was willing to ask of him, and what that meant for their future together.
“Have you eaten?” he asked.
“I had a bit of tea.”
“You need your strength. That’ll require more than tea.” He shifted so she was at his side, his arm still holding her close. “What sounds appetizing? I’ll search it out.”
He led her back into the kitchen. Mrs. O’Connor was at the stove, stirring the pot of stew. Her stomach rumbled a bit.
Ryan must have heard; he chuckled. “I believe that is a yes to whatever your mother-in-law is cooking up.”
Mrs. O’Connor looked back at them. “Are you hungry, then, Maura? Biddy’s dropping soda bread at Cecily’s and bringing the rest here.”
“That does sound nice.” She sat at the table.
Ryan bent and kissed her cheek. “I’ve a bit of work to do back at the house. The O’Connor ladies’ll look after you, I’m certain of it.”
She sighed. “I so dislike being helpless like this.”
“You’ll be better soon enough.”
“From this,” she reminded him. “There will be many difficult days, many worse than what I’m passing through now.”
“And I will be here for them, too,” he said. “No matter that you try very hard to convince me that I don’t want to be, I will always be here, Maura. Always.”
Chapter Forty-one
How did one go about convincing a stubborn, independent woman that loving her, through every difficulty and obstacle, was an honor, not a burden? The tragedies of life had taught Maura to assume she hadn’t the right to be anything but the giver in every relationship. Ryan didn’t know how to show her otherwise.
“Telling her how I feel hasn’t changed her view of things,” Ryan said to his ma late Saturday afternoon. A fortnight had passed since he’d returned to Hope Springs, two weeks of worrying and hoping, of working and praying. The last few days of that had been spent attempting to convince Maura to trust his declarations of commitment. “Continually doing those things I am pleased to do for her hasn’t convinced her either.”
“She’s afraid,” Ma said. “Fear isn’t washed away with words, and it doesn’t succumb easily to proof, either.”
“Then what do I do? I know she cares for me; I firmly suspect she loves me as much as I love her. But so long as she thinks she’s a burden, she’ll keep a distance between us. I can’t build a future with someone who insists on staying far away.”
“She’s closer than you think, son. The hesitancy I’ve noticed in her recently is nothing compared to the rebuffings you received early on. She’s learning to accept tha
t she needs help; and she will have to learn to trust that her uncertain future is not a burden too heavy to be sustained by your love of her.”
“It isn’t.”
Ma smiled. “I know that, and you know that. She will have to see it for herself.”
“You are telling me to be patient?”
“A woman who has loved and lost will be cautious before opening herself up to the possibility of that sort of pain again.”
That wasn’t quite what they’d been talking over before. “She’s hesitant because she doesn’t want me to be hurt. That is the argument she always offers.”
“Yes, but she’s protecting her own heart as well. There is risk in loving a widow, and not only to the one who loves her.”
“Is that why you never remarried or undertook a courtship after Da died?” He winced a bit. “That might be too personal a question.”
“I relate to your Maura more than I would have admitted when she first arrived. I, too, was a young widow, with deteriorating health, an uncertain future, and children to raise. Though I was often painfully lonely, I could not bring myself to even think of opening my heart to someone new. Now, I often wish I had.”
He took her hand, careful of her aching joints. “Have you been unhappy?”
“Not in the least,” she said with full confidence. “But a heart longs for love. I never permitted mine to seek it again.”
“Perhaps you could convince Maura not to tread that same path.”
Ma smiled. “Oh, sweet boy, of the two of us, I am not the one most likely to turn her heart in that direction.”
A quick knock sounded at the door. They weren’t expecting anyone. Ryan stood and crossed the room. He pulled open the door. He’d have been shocked at seeing Maura there even if he hadn’t just been talking about her.
“Good heavens, woman. Did you walk all this way? You’ll put yourself on your death bed.”
“Dr. Jones said I was well enough to go to the ceílí today, but I wasn’t going to because I’m still a little tired. But then I started thinking about everyone there enjoying themselves, and I really wanted to go.” Emotion began building behind her voice. “So I decided I would go after all, but everyone had already left. I started walking, but I am so tired.” Her voice shook. “I can’t go any farther.”
“Darling.” He pulled her inside and into his arms.
“I was afraid you would have left already.” She didn’t pull out of his embrace. “I was foolish to try to walk all that way.”
He’d learned over the weeks that Maura grew more emotionally raw when she was tired. That she was crying in his arms again, so soon after having done so before, spoke volumes of the depth of her exhaustion.
“My brother is dropping his wife and children at the ceílí and then coming here to fetch Ma and me. If you’re still feeling up to going, you’re welcome to ride along.”
She nodded. “I would like that.” Her arms slid around him even as she tucked her head more tenderly against him. “Aidan went early with Ciara and Keefe. Seems his Granny O’Connor had hoped he’d help with a few things. He has certainly found his place among his family.”
She made no move to pull away from him. He dared not release her enough to even close the door. He sensed she needed this embrace even more than she was letting on. Her one request upon fully wakening from her fever was for him to hold her, and he was determined to do so.
“Your lad has made his way into all our hearts,” Ma said from her rocker near the fireplace. “He’s a dear boy.”
Outside, James pulled his wagon up to the front porch. He hopped down and tied the reins to a post. Ryan watched him approach, bracing himself against any words of censure he might receive for this current display of affection.
James eyed them, but didn’t comment. He turned, instead, to Ma. “I’m ready when you are.”
“We’re taking Maura as well,” Ma said. “There’s room and plenty.”
James nodded. “I’ve no objections.” That was unexpected, but welcome.
Ryan slid his hands down Maura’s arms and took her hands in his. “I’ll just fetch m’ coat and we’ll be off.”
She nodded.
He stepped away, moving swiftly to his room. Behind him, James spoke again, but not to Ma.
“We’d heard you were ill, Maura.”
“I have been,” she answered. “But the doctor says I am well on the mend.”
Ryan could hear them still as he stepped into his room.
“I still can’t believe Ryan Nothing-gets-in-the-way-of-my-planned-future Callaghan spent his wagon and hay barn money on bringing a doctor here. My brother never sacrifices his plans for anyone.”
He’d not told Maura about that. She’d be shocked, maybe even upset. Ryan snatched his coat from its nail, fully intending to march back out and attempt to salvage the situation. He’d not taken a single step from his room before Maura answered James.
“How is it you are his brother and you understand him so little? ‘Never sacrifices his plans for anyone.’ Do you truly intend to accuse him of that, when he has sacrificed his worked-for future for you? He gave up his claim to a house he helped build, and a land he helped pay for, because your family needed them. He sacrificed them for you and your family.”
Ryan stepped into the room, where Ma was watching Maura with wide eyes. James looked even more taken aback.
“He accepted the loss of all he had invested there. He adjusted all of his plans and made new ones, working for years to claim this house and land. And then my boy and I came and threatened them. But did he fight us tooth-and-nail, letting nothing get in the way of what he wanted, willing to tear us apart in pursuit of his goals? Of course not, because that is not who he is.” She emphasized the last with such force she plunged herself into another coughing fit.
Ryan moved swiftly to her side as she struggled to settle her breathing. He gently rubbed her back. She pulled in one breath after another, each calmer than the last. But her glare never left James. Watching him, Ryan saw something he hadn’t since they were boys: James looked humbled.
“And he took his hay mower up and down this road,” Maura went on, “cutting hay for his neighbors and for you, saving you precious effort but costing him time to bring in his own. I’ve my doubts you ever thanked him, as I helped deliver your child and you never thanked me for that.”
At that revelation, tension spread through Ryan. Maura had been done-in by her efforts as midwife for Ennis, and she’d not even been thanked?
“And now,” Maura continued through wheezing breaths, “he’s brought a doctor to Hope Springs, despite not needing one himself, and you belittle him for the act of generosity. Perhaps instead of disparaging his character, you should be grateful, and you shouldn’t begrudge him the occasional use of your wagon no matter that he paid for half of it.”
James dropped his gaze to the tip of his boot.
She coughed hard, her body shaking with it.
Ryan pressed a kiss to her temple and whispered, “Save your breath, mo stór.”
She raised her chin, mouth pulled in a straight line as she continued glaring James into an early grave. She, apparently, was not finished. “And your ma lives but a short drive down the road, yet when have you come to visit? How often do you bring her grandchildren ’round to see her? My lad lived years without his grandparents near enough for giving him the kind of love grandparents offer. I’d’ve given near anything to change that sooner. You speak of Ryan as turning his back on people in pursuit of his own selfish ends. Yet he’s never forgotten about his ma. Or his neighbors. Or anyone else who needs his help.”
Ma stood, her movements slow and painstaking. She moved to James’s side and tapped his chin upward, making him meet her eye. “You look after your wife and your wee ones, and I’m proud of you for that.”
“But I pushed you two off the land,” he said quietly. “I could see it happening, but I didn’t know what else to do.”
That admission wa
s one Ryan had never figured on hearing in all his life. Maura, with her unwavering firmness, had forced James to face the reality he had denied for five years.
“Life did that,” Ma said. “But we’ve a chance now to move forward with things set right. You’ve a home and land. Ryan has a home and land, and room enough for me. You two needn’t come to scrapes over the way the past years played out any longer.”
“I should’ve—” James’s gaze dropped once more. “Ennis and I should’ve tried harder.”
“Marriage is difficult enough early on without juggling a household so filled with people.” Ma slipped her arm through James’s. “Now that we’ve each a space of our own, we’ll find that balance we’ve been chasing.”
She walked out with James, leaving Maura and Ryan to linger a moment behind.
“A man couldn’t ask for a fiercer defender than you,” he said.
“Your brother oughtn’t’ve said what he did about you. It isn’t true.”
Ryan lowered his arm so it rested about her waist. “His assessment used to be far closer to true. When you first arrived, and I realized you and Aidan might very well have claim to this land, I spent a lot of days pondering how to best you, how to push you out of the running.”
“But you never did.” She looked at him, a gentle smile on her face. “That is the point. You could have made a firm, and truthful, and powerful argument against our suitability, but you didn’t. You’re a good man, Ryan Callaghan.”
“How do I convince you of that?”
“I’m the one who just said—”
“You said to James what I have been wishing you would believe yourself.” How could he make her understand? “I don’t turn my back on people, Maura, especially those I care about. Especially those I love. Not because I feel obligated or because I haven’t sorted out how to shed myself of the ‘burden’ of them.” He raised one of her hands to his lips and kissed it. “Because it is who I am, and it is how I love.”
She held fast to his hand.
“When I tell you, Maura, that I mean to be at your side no matter what lies down the road, and when I tell you that walking that path with you is not a burden, I want you to—I need you to believe me.”
Long Journey Home (Longing for Home Book 5) Page 34
