Harriet thought of Olivia, who could so easily have ended up an inmate if she herself had not been able to tame her wild ways. She hoped that she would not disobey her husband in a similar manner. Harriet worried that she had deserted her too soon, that Jared would not keep his word, that Olivia might run away. She missed her dreadfully and wanted to go back and see her. She sighed.
‘Our pupils have a little hope,’ Anna reassured her. ‘With your help, their lives may be better.’
They met with the warden and his wife after dinner to talk of their plans, then returned to their home outside the gates. The cottage was tiny and damp and Anna did not have a maid. After the relative luxury of Hill Top House it felt to Harriet as though she had returned to the poverty of Blackstone. In fact, in some ways it was worse for at Blackstone, and even in the poorhouse, they had had a cook and an endless supply of children to do washing and cleaning. Here, they had to do everything for themselves, as well as the mission work in the asylum. And they had very little money, save what Harriet had brought with her and what Anna could raise from benefactors. Their existence was frugal.
But, as promised, shortly after quarter-day, their lives were brightened by a visit from Tobias. He arrived on horseback, bringing small luxuries and supplies: tea, soap, a length of linen, a collar of bacon, which they boiled with dried kidney beans and feasted on for days. He brought money as well.The cottage had only one room downstairs with a lean-to scullery at the back, so Harriet was there to see it change hands.
Tobias smiled at Harriet. ‘It is our allowance,’ he explained, ‘from the investments left by our late parents. To use in our missions.’
‘We divide it equally between us,’ Anna added. ‘It is not much, but it helps.’
Harriet gave a small smile. Tobias had had no cause to tell her about his affairs but she realized he did not see why he should not. They had accepted her as an equal, and she felt honoured and valued for that. He was, indeed, a very fine gentleman and Harriet warmed to him as she had not with any gentleman she had met before.
It was a strange feeling. Gentlemen had always controlled her life in one way or another: a distant cousin, who had removed her from the poorhouse but had not enquired for her since, the principal at Blackstone, a strict churchman and disciplinarian. Latterly, she reflected, it had been the master of Hill Top House, who had taken her virtue and turned her into a whore without a by-your-leave.
Tobias Holmes was like none of them. He did not seek to dominate his sister, or indeed Harriet, as the asylum-keepers did their inmates. Or, she reflected bitterly, as Hesley Mexton had done at Hill Top House.Tobias was a sincere, kind gentleman, who put the needs of others before his own. He treated her with respect, and after his first visit, she anticipated the next with eagerness and excitement.
When she saw his horse outside the cottage on her return from the asylum one month later, her heart swelled.
He sat with them at the kitchen table and asked how she was faring.
‘I have settled well, thank you. The teaching is much the same as at Blackstone.’
‘You are not afraid of the inmates?’
‘I should be, I think, if I were asked to be a wardress or nurse. I do not know how they do their work. Sometimes I hear the inmates screaming and shouting, and the banging of doors. The nurses have the worst of it, I am sure.’
‘One of Harriet’s pupils has begun writing to her family,’ Anna said.
‘Really?’ Tobias and she exchanged a glance.
Harriet hoped they were pleased with her progress. Since Isabel had started her correspondence she had hardly wept at all.
‘Yes,’ Harriet replied. ‘Isabel Wingard. Her father is a landowner in the South Riding. He will have nothing to do with her, but her brother is more sympathetic, and now that he is of age and gainfully employed he is willing to care for her.’
‘Her brother?’ Tobias repeated, and his gaze became fixed on his sister across the table.
Anna gave a sad smile and Harriet thought her eyes held an unshed tear.
‘Are you all right, my dear?’ Tobias asked his sister.
She nodded.
Harriet became concerned.‘Have I done something wrong?’ she asked.
‘No, of course not,’ Toby answered. ‘We are pleased for you. What does the asylum doctor say?’
Anna’s sadness passed. A painful memory, perhaps, Harriet thought, and went on, ‘She is well enough to leave. The board of governors will consider her case at their next meeting.’
‘Why, Harriet,’Tobias smiled,‘this is your first success.We must celebrate. Boil the kettle, Anna, and make chocolate to drink.’
Harriet had drunk chocolate at Hill Top and adored it. It was warming and made her feel good in a way that nothing else could. Except, perhaps, strong drink. Neither Anna nor Tobias ever took spirits unless they were ill, claiming that it overheated the blood and led to sin. Harriet brewed beer in the scullery on the advice of the asylum doctor, who told her it was safer to drink than water. He believed that water could cause the fever unless it was boiled.
After they had drunk their chocolate it was time for bed, and Harriet damped down the kitchen fire while Anna pulled out a wooden pallet for Tobias to sleep on. The cottage had only two small chambers upstairs and Harriet was now in the smaller one. It had a tiny window that looked over the rear yard. Harriet blew out her candle and watched as Tobias went outside to his horse. There was an outhouse next to the privy where they kept their wood and coal and it was just big enough for a temporary stable.
She heard him pumping water.The moon was bright - a sign of a frosty night - and she lingered in the shadows by her window, waiting for him to emerge from the outhouse. She admired him so much for his devotion to his sister and her work. She wondered what he did at his own mission in the town. Wrapped in her calico nightgown and fortified by the chocolate, she climbed into bed and drifted into a pleasant slumber, thinking of the kind gentleman who was sleeping downstairs.
The following day the distant clang of the early-morning rising bell in the asylum roused her, and her first thought was of Tobias. She strained her ears, heard him raking the ashes and imagined him in his shirtsleeves, with stockinged feet. After a few moments of this indulgence, she flung back the bedcovers and moved about quickly to wash in cold water and dress in the chilly air.
Later, when they waved him off on his horse to return to his own mission, Harriet wondered how she would survive until his next visit. She did, of course, for there was much work to be done and it filled her head during waking hours. But alone in her bed at night, she dreamed of him and counted the days to the end of the quarter.
Chapter 19
Jared reined in his mare as he rounded the hillside. He had a good view of their cottage and the track from the trees behind the little church. He cantered down the slope, across the sheep pasture, dismounted and tethered his horse inside the tumble-down building. He stayed on the shadowy side. The summer days were long and many a hill walker crossed the ridge to visit kin over the moor.
He expected the governess to be with her, but Olivia was alone, dragging her feet and looking forlorn with her head down. When she saw him she broke into a run, stumbling towards him over the grassy hummocks and through the broken-down wall. Her bonnet ribbons were undone and her eyes red.
‘What is it? What has happened?’ He took her hands in his, drawing her back into the shadows.
‘She - she’s gone. She went without saying goodbye to me.’ The tears welled and threatened to spill over her flushed cheeks.
‘Miss Trent has left Hill Top House?’
Olivia beat her fists against his chest. ‘How could she, Jared? How could she leave me like this? I loved her as a sister, and she has deserted me.’
Jared’s heart turned over as he saw how desolate she was. He stilled her fists with his own. ‘You’re not alone.You have me.’
‘But she did not tell me she was going,’ Olivia whispered. ‘Not a word! Why?
’
‘I expect you would have persuaded her not to leave.’
‘Yes, I would!’ The tears spilled out and she leaned against him. ‘What shall I do without her?’
He wrapped his arms around her and held her close to him as she wept. ‘You are mistress of Hill Top House, Olivia. You are wise and strong, and you will manage quite well without her.’
‘I know,’ she cried. ‘It’s my fault. I tried to show her how capable I was, and how it would be better when my husband went away. But I only did it to stop her worrying! She was always concerned for what Uncle Hesley might do with me.’
‘We all worry about that, Olivia. He is a vindictive man, as I’m sure Miss Trent found out.’
‘Oh, yes, he was cruel to her. That was why I wanted her know that she did not have to stay just for me.’ Suddenly she collapsed against him. ‘But I didn’t mean her to go.’
Jared pressed her to his chest. He thought Miss Trent’s departure might be for the best and wished he could do more to comfort her. ‘I am sure she did not leave without good reason. But as your uncle’s servant—’ He stopped, unsure how to continue.
‘I know she was my uncle’s mistress,’ she said, into his jacket. ‘Do not spare my sensibilities.You forget that I am a married woman.’
‘I do not forget that. Ever,’ he responded evenly.
‘Sometimes I wish you would,’ she said quietly.
‘Do not speak of such things.’
‘Why shouldn’t I?’ She sniffed. ‘I need you more than ever, Jared. It is so isolated out here and you are so kind.’
Jared did not reply. He was drawing on all his self-control to steady his breathing, to stop himself kissing her and loving her.
After a few moments, she took a deep breath and looked up at him.‘But you are not my husband. Hesley is, and everyone says how wonderful that will be for me when he comes home.’
‘Well, he is a gentleman and now he is rich,’ he pointed out.
‘Oh, I know. He will have government compensation for freeing the slaves and then he will sell my plantation. Mexton Pit will have a new mine shaft and a steam engine, and all will be well. Everyone will be happy. Except me.’
‘Perhaps Hesley will reform his ways.’
‘Do you really think so?’
He shook his head.
She took his hand and held it to her cheek. ‘I am happy only when I am with you,’ she said softly.
‘We can only ever be friends, Olivia. You belong to Hesley and nothing can change that.’
‘He has no feelings except for himself. I am glad he went away. I wish he would stay abroad for ever. I’d rather be with you.’
‘Do not say that. It is wrong.’
‘Wrong? What is wrong? That I should prefer you to Hesley?’
‘We cannot be friends if you think of me in that way.’
‘Why not?’ She expected an answer from him.
‘You know why not,’ he said shortly. ‘You have a husband.’
‘But he is not a husband! He is not here, and when he was he did not love me. Not tenderly as a husband should. Not like you would.’
‘Olivia, this has gone too far. I shall not ride over here again if you behave in this way.’
‘So you would desert me, too?’
‘No.’ He did not want to leave her, but he had to be firm. He wondered where he would find the strength.
‘I wish you were my husband instead of Hesley.’
‘You must not say that. You must not think of me in that way.’
‘But I do! Hold me, Jared. Please.’
He could not refuse her. He held her as tightly as he dared, wondering if she was aware of just how much he craved her closeness. Her body moulded to his and her eyes insinuated her meaning to him. The temptation was too intense and he took her chin gently in his hand and kissed her. Desire flared out of control and his heart began to thump, strongly, steadily. It felt for a few precious moments as though she were his. His alone, not someone else’s wife.
Olivia had never felt like this with Hesley as she responded hungrily to Jared’s kiss. Hesley had not kissed her in this way. He had only made a pretence of kissing her in front of others. A brush of his lips on her cheek to please his grandfather.
He had been the same in the bedchamber. He did not truly want her as his wife. Any woman would have done for him. He had used her as he used his tavern whores and, she guessed, other women wherever he was now. She was not stupid about her charade of a marriage. His grandfather wanted her inheritance and an heir.
Jared’s tongue searched for hers and she pressed against him. Her bonnet fell to the ground and she did not mind. She wanted to devour him, for his body to join with hers, to give her the kind of joy that Hesley never had - indeed never could. Hesley. Hesley.Why must she think of him all the time? Hesley was halfway across the world and Jared was here, his arms around her, holding her as though he would never let her go.
He stopped and drew back his head to speak. But before he could she whispered, ‘Let’s go inside.’
‘No, Olivia, no.’ He groaned. ‘Do not tempt me.’ He held her head to his shoulder, his fingers parting and loosening the coils of her hair.
‘But I need you, Jared. I need you to love me,’ she choked.
Her face was close to his and he could see the tiny hairs that were straying from her bonnet and catching on her eyelashes. He wondered why those damp lashes were so dark when she was fair. He marvelled at the blueness of her eyes, shiny and bright, and wanted to kiss away her tears. His desire to love her was so strong he could barely form his words.
‘I must not,’ he whispered. ‘Do not urge me so.’
She watched his lips move and his stormy eyes darken. If she moved a little closer she would be able to feel the rasp of his chin where he had not shaved since morning. She had not noticed it before. Now she imagined how rough it would feel by evening, by night and, yes, by the following morning before he shaved again.
The urge to be near to him and to know him intimately overwhelmed her and she whispered, ‘I need to be close to you.’ Her hands crept around his neck and she clung to him.
His resolve ran away, like water on a hillside. His pulses quickened and when she opened her mouth to his, he bent his head and kissed her with a passion that he did not recognize as his own. His long-suppressed desire had taken away his reason, and he surrendered to his yearning to possess her.
She returned his hunger, her body urging him with its own language. His lips lowered to her throat and to the swell of her breasts. She tilted back her head with a strangled moan. Oh, if only they could be together . . . if only . . . His mouth returned to hers and she thought he might devour her, so eager were his kisses. Her knees buckled beneath her and they would have fallen as one to the ground, to the dry, springy grass, if only . . . if only he would let her.
He took her weight in his arms and drew his lips from hers. ‘This has to stop. It has to.’
She saw the pain in his eyes and pleaded, ‘You don’t understand. I - I love you, Jared. I love you.’
His fingers covered her lips gently. ‘You must not say that.’
She opened her mouth to lick and nibble at his hand. ‘It is the truth. I want you to love me, too. I do.’
‘You know it cannot be.’
‘But I cannot live if I cannot love you.’
‘Olivia, you must be strong about this. We may not be together.You belong to Hesley.’
‘I do not love Hesley!’
‘You are his wife.’ The words restored his reason. If Olivia could not stand firm, he must find strength for them both. ‘I should not have kissed you. We must not meet like this.’
But he could not move away from her. His passion was so keenly aroused that he thought it would never subside. He allowed himself a few more seconds of tortured bliss, then gently pushed her away. ‘We must stop now. Before we regret our actions.’
‘I should not regret anything,’ she said quie
tly.
‘Olivia, this will not do.’
‘But you want me. I am a married woman so I know the signs.’
He held his head in his hands. ‘No, Olivia. I have said no.’
‘And I must do what the men say. I tell you, Jared Tyler, I am growing tired of doing as I am told.’
‘Please, Olivia, take care. I fear for your freedom when you speak so. We shall not meet again like this. It is too dangerous for you. I shall go away.’
‘No!’ Olivia felt as though a knife had sliced through her heart. ‘Don’t leave me. How can I go on without you?’
‘You have your house, the garden and the harvest to fill your days.’
‘And my nights? How shall I fill those?’
‘It will not be for ever. Hesley will return.’
‘It is not Hesley I want!’ she cried.
‘Do not be angry with me, Olivia.’
‘Oh, but I am.’ She turned her back on him with a flounce and walked away.
He caught her arm and stopped her. ‘Olivia! We should not part like this.’
She shook off his hand. ‘Leave me be and go away. If you will not love me, do not taunt me with your presence.’
She marched off, her head held high. He called her name once but she did not reply or look back. She could not bear to see him, knowing he had refused her. Her heart ached for him, and as the distance between them widened, her tears flowed more readily.
He watched her until she disappeared, leaving a void in the air around him that seeped into his core. He prayed she would see the sense in what he had said. If they continued to meet she would not heed the risk. She would persist until she broke his resolve. And break it she would, for Olivia was headstrong and he was not made of iron. He would have to stay away from her. For her own protection. And he knew how.
Sir William had talked to him of lectures in Manchester, at the Institute. He wanted Jared to attend, to lodge there, work with engineers and learn about steam engines. It was a rare opportunity, and it would take him away from the South Riding for several years. And it would be a solution of sorts for him. But one he chose to follow with a heavy heart.
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