by Rita Hestand
"Ill gotten gains come from revenge. Leave it be. You've still got a chance to make a good life for yourself. Don't ruin it trying to get even. It won't do you any good. Leave it behind with your past." Her plea was heartfelt, and it made him pay attention. Close attention.
"You sound like a bible totin' preacher!" He objected. He was still holding her and she was staring.
"Maybe that bible study on Wednesday's nights rubbed off on me. I am there because that's my off night and there's nothing else to do."
"Bible study, when did you start studying the bible?"
"Hank suggested I try it. It helped, it got rid of the bitterness inside me. I began to see things differently."
His smile was sexy and she did her best not to look at him.
He brought her closer so he could look into her eyes, as he turned her chin up. "Don't you think life dealt you a raw deal? Don't you ever get mad that so many were willing to help Rebecca and not you?"
Her eyes widened in shock. "How did you know that?" Her breathing was heavier now as her chest rose and fell faster. His eyes fell on her lips though.
"My God Jen," He pulled her closer, bent his head and suddenly his lips were on hers in a hot kiss that shocked them both.
***
Her mind blanked for a moment. Sensations took over. The mastery of his kiss fought all her defenses at once. She felt the wall crumbling as he teased and caressed her mouth. Helpless to fight such a tender moment she heard herself moan raggedly. The sound came from the depths of her soul. It was long dizzying seconds later when he slowly pulled away and stared into her beautiful shocked eyes.
Aware of each other they both backed up a bit.
The kiss had been so blindingly sweet; she could not fight it. And by the look on his face he knew he had conquered a wall of resistance and won.
"Look, I wasn't blind, even back then. Your father doted on Rebecca. I have no idea why. You were the baby of the family. It should have been you, but you got short changed. Even I saw that. I spoke to your sister many times about it."
"She knew and in her way she tried to make up for it."
"Yeah, I figured as much. She didn't like me worrying about you so much. Said that was her job. Even though you were just a child then."
The raw hurt that memory caused her eyes to cloud.
Jenny was shaking now, but she tried to compose herself, because he went on talking as though nothing had happened. He had no idea what he'd done to her with that kiss. All the walls she had built to keep men from conquering her were now laid bare by one kiss.
How could he kiss her like that and not feel anything. Her whole body came alive. After a long silent moment of reflection, she explained, trying to put the kiss away from her. "She looked exactly like my mother, for one thing." Jenny said softly. "That's why dad loved her so. That and she was so beautiful. Everyone thought she was beautiful, including you."
"You figured all that out on your own? But you were the baby!" He was frowning as though it upset him.
"My mother was dead, and my father missed her so. As I grew older, I realized he transferred his love for my mother, to Rebecca. Why do you think he fought you so hard? I knew it from the beginning. I tried to stop it, but even she enjoyed it, because she was the center of attention. And she loved being the center of attention. He didn't want to lose her, because losing her was like losing my mother all over again. I understand it all now." She sighed with her hands on her hips. "Even though it was a little bit warped."
His grin was infectious, and did things to her that even she couldn't explain.
"I'm glad you can look at it sensibly now. I mean I remember a little freckled face girl with pigtails, you were so damned cute. But you sure wormed your way into my heart. You caught a catfish every Friday just for me. The first time you did it, I was stunned. I mean not to share with your family, but just for me. I think you kind of liked me back then."
"I was a kid, a stupid kid."
He chuckled aloud, as though he knew something she didn't.
She turned away, and hung her head. She'd had such a crush on him then. She'd curl up and die if he knew. "Yeah, I know. Stupid, huh?"
He whirled her back around seeing the hurt he had inflicted in her eyes. "You're not cute anymore…but there is more to you than meets the eye, honey. There always has been." He confessed obviously shocking himself with the admission. "And, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, or to kiss you just now, it just— happened. I'm sure you've had plenty of kisses before and can handle it. But you were a child then, a cute as a button kid. And I loved you for every one of those catfish."
"And that's how you'll always see me, as a child!" She shook her head with defeat. "With a string of catfish in my hand. I guess that's something."
"No," He sounded adamant. "It's not! I'd think that kiss should have told you that much. You've got a way about you, and I sure as hell noticed. But if we are going to live together, we're going to have to set some rules, some boundaries." He gripped her arms now and pulled her closer, "I'm going to have to do my best not to notice. If you get my drift. We are going to be living together, there's no sense complicating things. If we don't have some kind of story, people will talk. I want better for you Jenny. I want to help give you a life like you deserve."
"I'm quite used to people talking. And in that town, you won't change their minds about me. Even though I called you a cousin, they'll think the worst. Because of me, and what I've been. Not you."
"Then I've done you a disservice."
"It doesn't matter…I agreed to come. I knew what they'd think."
"Then why did you come?" He looked baffled.
"I wanted out of that town. Besides, it doesn't matter what they think."
"The hell it doesn't." He whipped her around to look into her eyes. "It matters to me."
The obvious compliment shocked her, he could see it in her eyes. She was pretty easy to read, she realized too late. "I can't believe you said that! Not after you loved her so much!"
"I did, but…I knew her too Jenny. She was bold as brass. A real dare-devil. And very used to getting her way. I knew her and loved her, as the wild kid I was, wanting to play with fire. And she was definitely fire. But Jen, she's gone…forever! She's dead, and you put the dead away. That's where I've put her. Quite some time ago, in fact." He said that so finally. She saw his fist double. She saw his jaw flex and she saw the pain that her death had made. "She was my youth, and that was a long time ago."
Jenny shook her head, "I've borrowed one troubled person for another. I should have known."
"What do you mean?" He glanced at her.
"My father. He was devastated losing her. He was bitter, just like you are. Seeking some sort of strange revenge. He died, Chance. Nothing comes of revenge. Hank didn't kill her. The rock did. Take it out on the rock, and be done with it. That ranch is his legally. He bought it to keep from having the government make it a Indian Reservation."
"You think I want to tackle Hank because of her!" He raged. "You got me all wrong. Rebecca is the past, that's what I've been trying to tell you. But my folks, that's something else again. I can't forget that. That was Montgomery land, Jenny. They were forced off that land. If I seek revenge, it's for what they did to them. Not Rebecca. Don't you see, your father's dead, Rebecca's dead, that's all over. But you and me…we're alive…we've got to go on."
"You can't go on, if you go backwards all the time Chance. I asked you if you married or had kids? You never answered. You got a family somewhere?"
He studied her expression, and something stirred in him. "No…I never married Jenny. I don't have a girl. I'm not involved with anyone. You think I'd kiss you like that if I was?"
"Why not? I mean, why haven't you married?"
"Rebecca was a mistake. I didn't want to repeat that. I figured if the right woman came along, I'd know it pretty quickly."
"Where are your friends, surely you had some of those." She questioned innocently.
"Lost most of them. I had one good friend, Armando Gonzales, from old Mexico. We rode together. A friend, a good one for many years. And then he was gone too. It seems I lose all my friends." Chance said drily.
"Why did he leave you?" She looked interested in his story.
"He didn't. I left. We did some robbing down in Mexico. After four years of it, I got tired of running. Never could really enjoy myself, decided to find myself so to speak. Came back to America. Actually you could say I left him. Told him I didn't want to run anymore."
She seemed to consider that. Then she looked up at him.
"Why do you want me here, Chance. To sooth your brow, to kiss your sorrows away. Or to plod you onward to revenge. I lost a sister and a father. And a home. Losses are part of life." She told him. "You pick up the pieces and you go on. Or you crumble. And you're going to crumble if you seek revenge."
"You're not kidding me, Squirt. You might have picked up the pieces, hardened yourself to life, but you got a mountain of hurt inside you. I can see it, every time I look into those pretty gray-green eyes. And they are pretty Jen. I walked into that saloon and wondered to myself why on earth was such a beautiful girl working there." He came toward her, took her in his arms and held her there at arms length. "All I want with you is to take care of you. You've had a bad break. I want to see you get a fair shake in life. Is that wrong too?"
"No, but you aren't my father. I'm fully grown now. If I'm going to get a fair shake in life, I’m going to have to earn it, I know that. I can't be Rebecca, for you, I can't take her place. You've got to know that. I won't."
"No one is asking you to. We've both got some scars. Maybe we can help each other, Jen. Maybe together we can both heal. I wish I'd never kissed you!"
He pushed her away, as though it were hard for him to do.
When she didn't say anything, when she stared into his eyes, something in hers flashed, and she moved away from him.
"Why'd you come with me?" He challenged her.
"I-I don't really know…." She admitted honestly not bothering to turn around.
The wind blew now, creating that lonely sound that Chance hated to hear. Sometimes she wished she could stop the wind.
He hung his head then glanced at her, "I've done a lot of wrong things in my life. Maybe running off with Rebecca was foolish. I was young and impulsive and she was beautiful. Maybe in some way I am to blame for her death. And maybe…I want to do some good in this world now. I've done enough rotten things. I was an outlaw Jen. I robbed, with a Mexican gang. For several years."
She whirled around to stare, "You really were an outlaw?"
"I thought you should know. I'm not wanted in the states, but if I went across the border they could jail me."
She swallowed hard. "I don't know what to say except I am a little shocked. You were always honest and good. It was what I liked about you. It was Rebecca that was the risk taker, not you. You always thought things out. I mean I remember how Rebecca would try to entice you to do things, and you wouldn't do it. Even when she made fun of you for it."
"I wasn't any better than Rebecca, probably worse. I was hurt, and bitter when I left here. It took a while for me to see that. For a long time, I felt responsible for her death. It took a while to grow up, Jen. But it's been ten years, and I've grown up."
"What made you finally see it?"
"I don't know. I just woke up one day and decided that wasn't the life for me. I decided I deserved better than to rot in some Mexican jail the rest of my life. So I left. I been drifting ever since, until I came here and it became very clear to me. I had to turn my life around. I had to amount to something. Because there is good in me, I know that. And there is even more good in you! I see it, and I love it!"
"Am I that good?" She asked as she stood up and looked at him. "After what I've done."
"You are the good Jen. You might have had sex with men, but you didn't give your heart away, you're protecting it like a treasure. And when I look at you, I see you, not your sister. I kissed you, not her. And you kissed me back. Makes me wonder why. You've had it hard, harder than I'd ever wanted for you. But like a diamond still unfound, pick you up, shake you off, and you still sparkle. Remember that."
"Look, if we are going to get along, just the two of us. You've got to realize something. I'm my own person. I don't need a daddy. I don't need a boss. I just need a friend…" she extended her hand for a shake. "You're my cousin, remember?" She teased with a slight smile.
"Cousin!"
He took her hand in his and shook it, then smiled at her. "Deal."
"Good, now that we got that out of the way, let's break out that bacon and fry some up, I’m starved." She said rummaging through the sack full of goodies they bought.
"You just ate a bit ago." He informed her with a slight laugh.
"Yeah, but I'm a growing girl. Besides, I didn't eat that much. You ate so fast, I just stopped eating." She laughed. "Don't go to work for Hank. Leave it alone… Chance. Promise you'll leave it alone?"
"Why do you care so much?"
She shrugged, and looked down at the ground, scratching it with the toe of her boot. She knew why but she couldn't say it. "Because I can see the good in you too. And I don't want to see it destroy you. Like you, I don't want to lose a friend. I knew when I gave you that first catfish, there was something between us."
"You're right about that," he said softly, and stared into her shocked eyes. He walked away from her. "I'll promise you to try."
"That's all I ask!" She said and began slicing the bacon. He got the frying pan out for her and she cooked a plateful of bacon for them, then cut up a potato and cooked it in the grease from the bacon. Adding salt, she finally offered him a tin plate.
"No tables, no chairs, no beds. But do you know what?"
"No, what?" He glanced at her.
"I kinda like it. Out here in the open, clean air, sunshine. Yeah, I kinda like it."
***
They talked about a million unimportant things, talking into the night. Then he looked at her drooping eyelids.
"Get some sleep now." He advised because the sun was quickly setting.
"Yes daddy!" She chuckled aloud.
"I'm not your daddy," He reprimanded her with a frown. That was the last thing he wanted her calling him. That kiss had thrown him if he were truthful. But it sure felt right to him.
"What are you then?" She asked still teasing him.
"You'll figure that out in time." He smiled at her now.
She smiled back, and sank down on the blanket he gave her. Just before she went to sleep she muttered aloud, "I haven't had a real friend in a very long time."
He looked down at her. Neither had he!
And when he looked at her, he looked at all of her, from her head of shining light brown hair to her scuffed boots. She'd changed clothes at the General Store, and her riding skirt and vest looked good on her. In fact, everything looked good on her.
She went to sleep quickly.
He glanced at her strangely now. What had he done? Why had he invited her to live with him? Was he nuts? And why did he kiss her like that? This wasn't like him, but deep down he knew there had to be a reason.
His instant attraction to Jen was so different than what he had felt for Rebecca. With Rebecca it was all frivolous kisses and very little talking. With Jen it was a mixture and a deep yearning for more that seemed to grow quickly.
But the way she curled herself into a little ball told him. He had the need to take care of her, for whatever reason. She was his good deed. And he kind of liked that idea because he trusted Jen to speak her mind and be honest with him. He needed that. He guessed in a way, he needed her as much as she needed him.
Chapter Three
"Chance you want some coffee?" Jen asked early the next morning as she managed to make a pot of coffee with his old pot. He had coffee laying out near it and she didn't hesitate to make it.
The light Texas breeze was chilling this early in the
morning and she kept grabbing herself to keep warm.
He rolled over ignoring her, but the coffee did smell good.
"Hey sleepyhead." She nudged him on the shoulder. "I got coffee going this morning." Her voice almost purred it was so sweet. He wasn't used to hearing her lilting voice.
Dear God, even her voice bothered him in the worst way. He grew warm just thinking about her and the kiss they shared, but he scoffed it off. If he dwelled on that too long he'd be in trouble.
"I'm Jace now, remember?" He rolled over to stare up at her through half opened eyes. She'd changed into a pair of tight fitting pants and a shirt that she left out of her pants. The way she stood there, with one hip sort of leaning, a spatula in her hand and a tempting smile on her pink lips. Dear God, he had the urge to pull her down on his blanket and make love to her.
Where had that come from? It was too early in the morning for these feelings swamping him, but they didn't go away.
The last time he saw Jen, she was a kid. And he remembered it was her spirited personality that charmed him so long ago. That hadn't changed. But in that get up no one would doubt exactly what she was…a woman. He couldn't quite grasp how a woman could put men's clothes on and look even more beautiful, but Jen managed, and the funny part was, she didn't know it. He wanted to laugh, to cry, to take her in his arms and kiss her all day long. He wanted to make love to her, and that thought brought him to a sitting position fast. Stunned he sat up.
"Oh right, I forgot." She moved to pour him a cup of coffee.
He grabbed the cup as she handed it to him.
He sipped it and didn't look at her. Best thing to do was not look at her at all. Especially this early in the morning when he was half awake.
"Well?" She asked.
