needed to learn karate so I could protect myself in the future, but I had to get my grades up, or he wasn't going to see I got anything but in more trouble. I did all my school work and the teachers all knew I put Erin for my name, but refused to accept it unless I put Aaron on my papers. Why couldn't I just be me for even a moment? Why did everyone have to be so cruel all the time? I tried to put Aaron on my papers, but it always came out Erin. By my senior year in high school I hated everything about my life. My teachers had given me passing grades, barely, the kids in school teased me mercilessly, and I felt like no one cared if I was alive or dead. I prayed every night the mistake that had been made might be corrected and I might get my Christmas wish, but it never happened. Not once did I get even a hope of it being granted. Was it so much to ask, that I be allowed to be me? I didn't think it was, but it seemed whoever it was that granted Christmas wishes did.
A week before Christmas my senior year it all came to a head. I didn't care anymore, the books didn't work anymore, there was no escape for me to find. Everyone wanted me to be the one thing I couldn't be, a man! I didn't have a clue how to be a man, it was like trying to teach a cat to be a dog, it wasn't who I was, and nothing I did could change it.
I went through life not feeling anything, not caring about anything. I went through the cupboard where the pills were kept and found one of mom's pain pill bottles almost full, so grabbed it and went in the bathroom and ran a tub of water. I sat there while the tub filled staring at that bottle of pills and wondering if it was really true, if you committed suicide you really went to hell. When the tub was full I figured it really didn't matter anyway, because unless I could be what I wasn't, I was condemned to hell anyway. I saw dad's razor and grabbed it too taking the blade and setting it on the edge of the tub.
I took the cup for rinsing after brushing and filled it with water then took several of mom's pills and washed them down. It took about three times before I swallowed enough of them to figure if the razor blade didn't work they would. I got in the tub and picked up the razor blade and cut as deep as I could into my left wrist. I changed hands and then repeated the cut on the right wrist. I dropped the blade and didn't care I felt the life leaving me. I lay back and closed my eyes just letting go of everything. The pain stopped and then nothing, I don't remember anything until I woke up in the hospital knowing that even in this I failed. Nothing I did ever came out right, and I couldn't even end it without help. Didn't they understand it hurt so much trying to be something I couldn't be? Why didn't they let me die? Why didn't they let me stop being an embarrassment to them? Look there goes the fagot. There goes the sissy boy. Hey fagot want to...
As I became aware of where I was, and that I was still alive I started crying. I wanted a release and I didn't get it. I had to stay and suffer some more so God could make sure I felt right at home when I died and went to hell. It hurt so much thinking of how hard I tried and failed at everything. What a disappointment I must be now, I couldn't even kill myself to save the family from the ridicule I brought on them.
“Hello Erin! We thought we lost you.”
The tears started flowing even more hearing mom's voice. I hated me because I couldn't be what they wanted me to.
“There is someone we hope can help Erin. They have experience working with those who have GID.”
So now they had a name for what I had. What good was it? I still couldn't be what they wanted me to be. I started to shut down and not listen when mom said she was sorry for making me suffer the way I had, when all they really wanted was for me to be the best person I could. Dad added that he still didn't understand, but he was willing to try to if I promised not to try killing myself again, he would try not to get mad when I didn't want to go fishing, or play ball, or do any of the other things he thought I should like doing. I turned to them and asked if they could still accept me if I was a girl. If I did the things girls did. If I dressed the way girls dressed. If I used Erin instead of Aaron. I asked if they could accept I wasn't a boy the way they wanted me to be.
I never heard them give an answer. I was back out before I even finished the questions. When I woke up again there was someone new in the room sitting next to me.
“Hello! They introduced themselves and then started asking me questions about how I knew I was a girl. How long I had known I was a girl. Why I thought I was a girl. So many questions and I never answered any of them. I just lay there wishing this person whoever they were, would go away and leave me alone. They didn't care about me no one cared about me, not even me. I hated getting undressed and seeing the reason everyone though what they did. I hated thinking all because of one little thing everyone would hate me, and say I wasn't worthy of living. Why had God played such a mean trick on me? Why did he even let me be born if he was just going to throw me away in hell for trying to be who I knew I was.
After I was able to stay awake for more then a few minutes at a time I started looking at things in my room and noticed all the cards had Erin on them. Get Well Soon Erin. Wishing you the best Erin. Miss you get well soon Erin. So many flowers and cards, all with my real name on them, the name I liked. I looked at the band on my wrist and it said Erin female. I felt down where that thing that lied about who I am was and there was a bandage there. I didn't understand. What was going on? Why did all of a sudden everyone like me and accept me as a girl when all my life they despised me as a boy.
“Well young lady you're looking better today.”
I had to be dreaming, it was the only thing that made sense to my clouded mind. I asked about the bandages and the doctor said I cut myself pretty badly while shaving my legs he guessed, he winked and said they had operated and found some things they hadn't expected and he was sure that everyone would now understand why I had been the way I had, now maybe things would be better.
When I was released from the hospital mom gave me a package with clothes in it and said she hoped they would fit since she guessed at the sizes because she wasn't sure what size I wore, but as soon as I was up to going shopping she would make sure I had plenty of clothes to wear. She said her and dad talked to all my teachers and found out I had done all the work and the only thing wrong was I put Erin on the papers rather then Aaron. She said her and dad explained to them I had done that because it was who I was, not because I was trying to be a trouble maker. They talked to the school board also and with the notes from all my teachers were able to get my grades changed to show what I should have received in the first place. She held up a piece of paper that showed I had a straight A grade average in all the classes I had been in. She then handed me a paper that said I had enough credits to graduate early if I wanted. I said I didn't want to graduate early I wanted to graduate with the rest of my class, but I couldn't do that if it meant I had to be a boy.
She looked at me and said I had never been a boy so why would I think I had to be now. I giggled and gave her a hug asking what it was they found when they operated. She said it wasn't when they operated they had found anything, but what they already knew was there, it was when they took some ex-rays they found I had a full set of female reproductive organs, that when they operated they discovered the apparent male organs were none functioning and the female ones were fully functional. She said when they found that, they came to her and dad asking what they wanted. Dad said a lot was explained with this discovery, and if the female was the working organs I should have always been considered female, so should be treated as such now. Her and dad hadn't discussed it they said I was a girl and that was that.
I looked toward the sky as mom wheeled me out of the hospital and thanked God for granting my wish. I started crying knowing that had I died I would have done so as Aaron and now because God granted my wish I could be known as who I am Erin. I had a wonderful Christmas that year, and thank God every year for granting my Christmas wish in such a spectacular way.
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The New Year Fool?
Every year the same thing I try making New Years resolutions only to f
ind they go bust before January is even half over. So many times now I've sworn this year is going to be different, only to find it's the same as always. I never tell anyone what I resolved to do just that I made my resolution and I was sure this would be the year. Every year it's the same resolution as the year before and every year it ends the same. Nothing changed still waiting to improve the faults of the year before, the faults that have always been there and nothing done about them other than letting them slide for another year.
This year was going to be different. This year I wasn't going to make resolutions I knew I wouldn't keep. This year I wasn't making anything that even resembled a resolution, I had come to accept that if I made a resolution, I was going to break it, so why bother, I could put things off just as easily by not making a resolution couldn't I?
As the new year approached I resolved that this year, I would change because I wasn't trying to force the change. I was going to keep my promise to myself and not make any promises to others I knew would be hallow and meaningless. This year was about me finding myself and doing whatever it took to make that person shine, so no one would be able to
Holiday Short Stories Page 6
