by Lacey Silks
My breaths were shallow, and my knees felt week. Taking a greater chance at running into Father, I backed up slowly and walked along the edge of the forest, trying not to make any noise. In the back of my mind, I prayed that Father had given up his search. As I got further away from the beach, I’d look in between the tall grasses, and yes, they would still be at it. I bet they’d still be there when night fell.
Secretly, I’d wished for their kind of romance many times, but that was only a wish. I knew that I could never be intimate with a man. No man had ever wanted a broken woman, and I was much more than broken — my body and heart felt like they’d been shattered into millions of pieces. In fact, I was certain that some pieces were missing and would never be found.
I was happy for Carter and Daisy, really. All I’d ever wanted was for my best friend to have joy in his life; but somehow I pictured he’d share that happiness with me. It was a naïve wish, nourished by the time we’d spent together as kids.
“I am not afraid to be alone,” I whispered under my breath, pulling the long sleeves of my sweatshirt down over my arms to cover my wrists, and continued my walk until I reached the town’s main road. I looked behind me one last time. Father was nowhere in sight, which was a good sign; but being here, in the middle of town, also meant that I was nowhere and had another twenty-four hours to go before the bus for our camping trip would arrive to pick up the students. I couldn’t go back to the house and didn’t want to. I contemplated sleeping in one of the few abandoned barns in town, but that was a risk as well. Father would probably search every possible nook and hole in order to find me.
Maybe I could try the motel?
I’d put money away by babysitting and working at Mrs. Gladstone’s farm, helping her with the cows, but all that money was stashed underneath the third wooden board in the floor of my room. Besides, it was for future college tuition, and there was no way I would go back to that house to get it now.
When I saw Doctor Burke’s office, I smiled and headed toward the open door. If there was one place in town where Father would definitely not look for me, it was at the clinic. The waiting room was empty so I rang the small bell at the front desk. Doctor Burke didn’t have a secretary. He came out from one of the back rooms and immediately smiled when he saw me.
“Hey, Molly. How are you? I thought you were leaving tomorrow.”
My gaze flew to the back, where I heard some shuffling.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt if you have a patient.”
“Oh, that’s okay. It’s just your mom.”
“Is she okay?” I asked, and Doctor Burke looked back as she stepped out of the room.
“It’s just migraines, honey. Came back to refill my prescription.”
My mother and Doctor Burke always had a special relationship. They were old high school friends. Except Father was jealous of them. It wasn’t a secret that my mother and Doctor Burke had dated while in high school, but that was years ago, and neither of them had ever spoken about that time.
“Where’s Nathan?” I asked.
I didn’t leave him at the house with that maniac, did I?
“He’s at the convenience store, eating treats with Mr. Grafton. What are you doing here, honey? I thought you were packing for your trip.”
“I finished early.” I felt my face go cold just thinking about my afternoon. Getting ready for my high school trip was supposed to be one of the more exciting moments this year, yet he’d managed to ruin it. I added in a whisper, “And I got out through the back window.”
That’s when my mother must have noticed the bag flung over my shoulder. She rushed toward me and took me by my shoulders. “Did he hurt you?”
“No, it’s okay. I’m fine. I snuck out the back,” I said quietly. “But I didn’t have a chance to get any money for my trip.”
“Oh my.” My mother covered her mouth. “Well, I can go back with you.”
“I really don’t want to be there, Mom.”
“He won’t show up if I’m there.” She squeezed my shoulders a little harder, trying to infuse into me the strength that I lacked when it came to Father.
“I’ll go by myself. You wait here at Doctor Burke’s, and I’ll be back in twenty minutes.” She headed for the door, and I placed my hand on her arm to stop her.
I lowered my voice to spare her the embarrassment of my words. “Mom, you know how he can get when he’s upset. I don’t want you to be on the receiving end of that tonight.”
“He shouldn’t even be in our house,” she whispered apologetically.
“Clare, let me step in. I think it’s about time we stood up to him.”
We?
“Donald, know that I want that more than anything else, but it’s not the right time yet. I can’t lose them.”
Donald?
“Is there something between you two I should know about?” I asked.
If my mother and Doctor Burke were together, it would have been odd because my mother didn’t even have a divorce. Although if I’d pictured her with anyone else in this world, it would have been without a doubt, Doctor Burke. Was she planning a divorce?
“No, honey. We’re just friends,” my mother said.
“We’ve been good friends for a long time,” Doctor Burke added. The warm look he gave my mother, though, suggested a much closer bond between the two of them.
“It doesn’t matter. I’m not going back to the house as long as he’s in town. I think I’d rather sleep on the street tonight.”
Doctor Burke reached inside his pocket and started counting hundred-dollar bills. “This one’s on me, Molly.”
He handed me a stack. It was way too much; I only needed twenty bucks at the most.
“Oh no, I couldn’t possibly—” I put my hand up, blocking the unexpected gesture.
“But you will, because you deserve it.” He pressed the cash into my palm.
“Doctor Burke, that’s too much.”
“Molly, trust me when I tell you that it’s not nearly enough.”
I looked to my mother to help me out of the situation, but she only smiled, which meant I could take the money.
“And you can spend the night at my house, if you’d like. There’s a separate apartment where my mother used to live. If you don’t mind granny drapes and old furniture, that is.”
“Are you okay with this, Mom?” I asked.
“Yes, actually, I’m more than okay. You’ll be safe there until tomorrow.”
Why did her encouraging words sound so wrong?
“I don’t think I’ll get a better deal for the night than that.” I smiled. “This is all very generous of you, Doctor Burke. I’ll pay you back the money. I promise. It may be a while, since I’m not planning on being a nurse, but a doctor.”
My mother’s hands flew to her mouth, covering it, and her eyes glossed over. “Oh, Molly.”
“What made you change your mind?” Doctor Burke asked. “Nursing is tough, but becoming a doctor, well, that takes a lot of commitment. But if there’s anyone who can do it, it’s you, Molly. I have no doubt of that.”
“Thank you. It feels like the right decision and I think I was meant to help others,” I said. “Just please keep it between us. I don’t want Father to know, and I still have two years left to keep my grades up if I want a scholarship.”
“You have our word.”
I looked over to my mother again, who was simply glowing.
That late afternoon, as I sat at the table outside the convenience store with my mother, Doctor Burke, and Nathan, having a simple cup of tea, I felt peace. For the first time in my life, I got a glimpse of what a family could be and should be: happy, respectful, and worry-free. My mother couldn’t stop smiling. Nathan kept asking Doctor Burke questions about bones, and I just basked in happiness that I wished could last a lifetime.
CARTER, AGE 16
Feeling like the biggest dumbass, I kicked a loose stone toward the forest. It was our senior high school camping trip,
which I’d been looking forward to since the beginning of the year, and I’d managed to screw up on day one. What was I thinking, trying to kiss my best friend Jo? I’d known she had a thing for Nick since the day she was born; but still, I’d made a move. It was a mistake that could have cost me our friendship, but luckily, Jo was smart enough to recognize my moment of weakness: a moment caused by Daisy’s rejection. Why would you make out with a guy and not want to go out with him?
Honestly, I’d just wanted to show Jo how much she belonged with Nick. I wanted to prove to her that she shouldn’t have been wasting their time in the friend zone.
I picked up a dried branch and pulled it across the forest floor. I might as well have tattooed loser on my forehead, the way I was feeling. My mood remained sour until Molly waved me to come over. I threw the branch aside, and with my hands deep in my pockets and a slouched back, I walked over to where she was layering rows of wood, prepping it for the camp fire.
“What’s the matter with you?” she asked. “You look like you’ve just lost your best friend.”
“I think I might have.”
“Well, that’s impossible because I’m still standing here.” She grinned.
It figured that the only other girl that I would have been truly interested in – who was also my best friend, trying to cheer me up – didn’t want to date either.
“How do you stay so sweet, Molly? How do you not care about make-up, clothes, or the latest gossip?”
“I don’t have time to care about those things.”
“Right; you watch your baby brother.”
“I don’t only watch him. I mean, I have time to myself as well, but I’d rather do other stuff.”
“Like what? What do you like to do?”
“There’s a set of Earth DVDs at the library, for example. I like to watch those. Oh, and medical mysteries, I love those!”
“You don’t get grossed out?” I asked. “I saw a guy who came in with his eyes popped out. Like this.” I took a lungful of air and popped out my cheeks, hoping that it would somehow make my eyes look like two large balls in tiny sockets.
“I saw that one too. And stop it. That looks gross, and it was way worse than what you’re trying to do.” She pointed to my face.
I sat down on the log that had been rolled over for the evening’s campfire. Molly joined me but kept quiet. She was one of those intuitive girls who knew when silence meant more than words.
“Thanks for lifting my mood.”
“You’re welcome.”
“So can I tell you something stupid I did today?”
“It wouldn't be the first time, would it?” She laughed.
No, it wouldn’t.
“I kissed Jo.”
“You didn’t!”
“Yup, and then she slapped me.”
She covered the chuckle that semi-escaped from her mouth, and I wanted to fall over and play dead. Maybe that way I’d be able to kill the shame I was feeling.
“What were you thinking? Did Nick walk in on you guys?”
“I wasn't thinking; and no, he didn’t. We were picking kindling in the forest. But it’s not like they’re dating.”
“Don’t you know that it doesn’t matter with those two?”
“Yeah, I should have known better. Hey, at least I told Jo that she should go after Nick.”
“You did?”
“Yeah. They’re meant to be.”
When I looked to the side, Molly was biting her lip. I would have paid all the pennies I had collected, hiding in the jar on a shelf above my bed, to know what she was thinking. Her cheeks were flushed red and a mysterious grin spread over her face.
“What are you thinking?” I finally asked.
“I… Well, we know that Jo and Nick are soul mates, but do you think everyone has one? What if you don’t? What happens then?”
“Hmm, I’m not the right person to ask about soul mates. I don’t think I have one either, but I do believe that they can come later in life. That’s how my parents met in college. They said they knew they were meant to be from the first moment they saw each other.”
“You’re lucky to have parents who love each other so much.”
“I guess yours don’t, do they?”
The first thought that came to my mind was of Molly when I’d found her on the pub porch with scraped knees over a year ago. She’d said she fell, but I’d always had a feeling something else had happened that night that she didn’t tell me, and that it had to do with her drunken father. I’d often wondered whether he hit her or pushed her that evening. The image of her tear-filled eyes still haunted me at night sometimes.
“They have a weird relationship. Father’s not living with us anymore.”
“Why?”
Molly lowered her head.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me.”
“Him being gone is a good thing. Actually, it’s probably one of the best things that has happened at that house in a long time.”
“Where is he staying? I’ve seen him around town.”
“Mostly near his work, where they log. When he comes to town, I really don’t know; but the further away, the better.”
“Molly, has he hurt you?”
She didn’t have to answer me because her expression gave it away. I put my arm around her and brought her closer to me. My parents always told me that hugs could heal almost anything, and if mine gave her a little comfort, I’d done my job.
“The past is the past.” She sighed, remaining close to my side. “It’s what you do with the future that’s important.”
“Is that why you cut yourself?” I pointed to her wrists, which she tried to cover with a sweatshirt. It was hot outside, but ever since I found Molly on the pub porch a month ago, when she tried to take her life, she’d opted for long sleeves. I promised to keep her secret; or another one of her secrets, I guess. Still, someone would eventually find out. She couldn’t hide the inevitable scars forever.
“It was a moment of weakness. Nothing more. Please, Carter, I don’t want to talk about it.”
I sighed. She never wanted to talk about her pain and only cared about the hurt others felt. Molly turned toward me and looked into my eyes. What I saw there almost made me lose my balance. I skipped over the pain, because I knew that Molly had been hurt in the past, but the determination there knocked the wind out of me. There was so much of it. So much resilience and fight left in her that I wondered where she got it from.
“You’re not like other girls, Molly.”
“Is that good or bad?”
“It’s good. You’re unique, smart, driven… and way too mature for your age.”
“What?”
“I’m going to make it my mission on this camping trip to see that you have fun.” I looked at her hand, where a streak of her wound appeared from underneath her blazer. She pulled it down to cover the line.
“Well, we’re camping, so that’s fun.” She brought my attention back to her beautiful brown eyes.
“Not that kind of fun. The kind of fun I’m talking about is doing things you normally wouldn’t do.”
“Are you going to kiss me like you kissed Jo? Because I’ll slap you the way she did.”
The funny thing was that I hadn’t even thought about kissing her, but now that she mentioned it, I couldn’t stop staring at her lips. She had a deep bow over her top lip that made them look like a heart. When I finally came to, I caught a shade of pink on her cheeks.
“I kissed Jo because I wanted her to realize that she belonged with Nick. So no, not kissing.”
“Good. Because for a moment there I thought you’d made it your mission to kiss all the girls in our class.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Daisy?”
How did she know about Daisy?
“I was taking a short cut through the forest yesterday and I saw you two on Pebble beach.”
“Oh.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to spy. Y
ou two looked pretty into it.”
I cleared my throat. “No need to apologize. Yeah, we were making out a little. But Daisy, she’s wild, man. I’m not sure I’m the right guy to handle her.”
She laughed.
“If there’s anyone who can handle Daisy, it’s you.”
“I don’t know. Yesterday was fun with Daisy, but she’s moving so fast… I don’t think I’m ready.”
“So you two aren’t going out?”
“No. She didn’t want to go out.” I lowered my head, slightly turning it to the side to look at Molly again.
She sat there thinking. What was there to think about? We’d had great time on the beach, and the kissing was definitely unexpected, but once Daisy got the ball rolling, there was no stopping her. And I, well, I was a guy who couldn’t say no to a make-out session, no matter how many times I told her that we were just friends. But then when I actually asked her out, she said no. I officially gave up trying to understand women.
“Okay, Carter Clark. If it’s not kissing, then what kind of fun are you talking about?”
“Spitting.” I grinned.
“Spitting?”
“Yup, try it now.” I hawked a full one from the bottom of my throat and let it catapult off my tongue out front.
“Carter, that was gross.”
“Thank you. Your turn.”
“No.”
“What do you mean, no? If you do this, then you get to choose the next fun thing. And I’ll know if it’s fun, because I’m a fun guy.”
“Okay, fine.”
She moved her lips around, trying to collect the saliva.
“It helps if you pull your shoulders back a little.” I pushed my chest out and lifted my head. “It’ll go further that way.”
She finally must have gotten enough in her mouth because she pursed her lips, closed her eyes, and blew it out. Except it didn’t go anywhere. The spit dripped slowly down her chin as Molly smiled wide at me.
