“I hope so,” Jennifer said. She brushed her hands off on her pants legs. “Ok. I think we’re done here. If you’ll wait until Marie is finished with Thessen, Captain Cadman will escort you back to your quarters.”
“I will do so,” Alabaster said gravely.
When Jennifer got back to her quarters, Rodney was stretched out on the couch, his laptop and Newton sharing his lap by virtue of Newton making himself very small between Rodney’s leg and the pillows, roughly the size and shape of a meatloaf. A meatloaf that gave her a reproachful glare when she walked in.
Rodney, on the other hand, didn’t look up from the laptop screen. “Oh, hi,” he said.
Jennifer came around the couch and plopped down on the ottoman. “Hi Rodney.”
His color was good — no more pasty skin, and the scars from the sensor slits were fading, looking like no more now than age lines that bracketed his mouth. With the white hair it made him look older, but not inhuman. Just older than he really was.
Rodney looked up from the screen, actually looking at her, like he was taking in her hair falling out of its pony tail, her tired face. “Bad day?”
“Not by Atlantis standards,” Jennifer said. “I had Alabaster in the lab until a few minutes ago. At least she doesn’t want to work all night, like Todd. She’s spent enough time around humans that she expects us to close down and get some sleep.”
“Yes, well,” Rodney said. He shifted, dislodging Newton, who yowled in protest.
Jennifer frowned. “She talks about them like pets. The humans who came with her, I mean. Like nice pets she likes a lot, but pets all the same.”
Rodney shrugged. “Well, that’s kind of what they think, right? I mean, we don’t live very long compared to them, and we can’t talk like intelligent beings and you know, she got used to the people on that planet and she doesn’t want to eat them. How many people would want to kill and eat their dog? Most people would be horrified at the idea. They love their dog.”
Newton gave Rodney a reproachful glare.
Rodney glanced back at his screen, where some kind of analysis was rolling. “Alabaster’s a good dog owner. She wants her pets taken care of and healthy, with plenty to eat and nice things happening to them. She doesn’t want them to be unhappy, and she doesn’t want to abandon them any more than most people want to ditch their dog by the side of the road just because it’s gotten inconvenient. Most people would feel really bad about doing that. So they bring their dog with them and hope it behaves.”
Jennifer stared at him. “Rodney?”
“I’ve been a Wraith, and believe me, it’s different.” Rodney reached down to quiet Newton, who was writhing against his side. “Maybe that’s what the experiment was for in the first place, what the Ancients wanted. The ones who couldn’t Ascend. Wouldn’t it be great to be immortal without Ascending? To have telepathic powers and eternal good health? To never die of old age? To get all the benefits of Ascension without leaving home and without all those pesky rules and things?”
“Oh my God, Rodney,” Jennifer breathed. “That’s exactly why they did it. That’s exactly what they were trying to do.”
“But they weren’t ready to try it on actual people yet. On themselves. They were still trying it on the nearest thing, on humans. Just like we test drugs on monkeys before we go to human trials. Only it didn’t work out the way they wanted it do, and their creations weren’t very happy about it,” Rodney said. “So they tried to kill them and finally came up with a way to do it. But their experiments rebelled first.”
“A way to kill them,” Jennifer said. Things clicked into place. “Is that what Alabaster was talking about?”
Rodney looked abashed. “We found a device on Alabaster’s planet that was designed to kill all the Wraith. I don’t know if it works or how it works yet. Woolsey won’t let me get my hands on it. He says it’s stored in a safe place.”
Jennifer leaned forward, her fingers against her temples. “You want to get your hands on a weapon of mass destruction.” Of course he did. He was Rodney.
“I’ve had weapons of mass destruction for years,” Rodney said cheerfully. “Come on. How many nukes have I had?”
“I have no idea.” Jennifer pressed her hands to her forehead. A weapon that could kill an entire race, not hypothetically, but actually. And the only reason not to use it was her retrovirus. Well, that and the fact that it would be wrong, wrong in a way so big she could hardly get her head around it. But wrong didn’t matter. Not to the people who would make the decisions.
On the other hand, if Mr. Woolsey wouldn’t let Rodney have it, maybe he didn’t mean to use it. Maybe he hadn’t already decided to go there. If he had, he would have been telling Rodney to figure out how to make it work…
“Jennifer? There’s something I wanted to ask you,” Rodney said.
She pressed her fingers to her forehead until she saw red spots before her eyes. There were pressure points that released tension. Maybe Mr. Woolsey was open to trying the retrovirus first…
“You know, it’s been kind of busy since I got back. Since I got out of the infirmary, I mean. Since I was back in my right mind. And we haven’t seen a lot of each other these last few days, but we’ve been seeing each other for a year now, and…” Jennifer looked up, trying to figure out what Rodney was talking about. “We moved in six months ago and yes, ok, I’ve been captured a lot of that time and incidentally Eva says that she has a bunch of resources for the spouses of POWs that she thinks you might find helpful and Jeannie is still here but who knows how long she’ll stay since we’ve got a ZPM now and can open the gate to Earth anytime she wants rather than having to wait until the Hammond leaves…”
“Rodney?”
“And I’m not sure who’s actually qualified to do it, but at the very least we’ve got a ship’s captain and there’s no doubt we’re outside the three mile limit…”
“Rodney, what are you talking about?” Jennifer asked. Genocide. A genocide weapon, a weapon to correct the Ancients’ mistake…
Rodney swallowed. “About getting married. Now. I suppose we could ask the SGC to send a chaplain through if it’s important to you. I think they have one of those.”
“Getting married.” Jennifer felt like she’d been dropped in a bucket of ice water. “Now? Rodney, we hadn’t talked…”
“We’re talking about it now, aren’t we?” he asked with his lopsided smile, the one that always looked overconfident even when it wasn’t. He sat up, dislodging Newton who fled with a hiss, coming to sit on the edge of the couch, knee to knee. “I think it’s time for something solid in my life. I’m ready to make a commitment. If I’m going to stay here forever, it’s time to think about the future seriously. And I’m not getting any younger. If I want to pass along my genes…”
Jennifer seized on the nearest floating plank. “You’re not that old.”
“I’m forty one,” Rodney said.
“And I’m twenty eight!” She hadn’t meant it to come out almost as a screech, but it did. “Rodney, I have no idea…” She couldn’t even make the words work. She bent her head to her hands again.
“No idea of what?” he asked quietly.
Jennifer looked up. “I have no idea what I want to do in five years, much less what I want to do for the rest of my life. I took this job and it’s a great job and I’m not complaining about it or about my decision to come back to Atlantis. But it’s a job. Not something I plan to do for the rest of my life. I’m glad I’ve done it, but I don’t want to be the Chief of Medicine on a military base for the rest of my life! And yes, someday I probably will want to have kids, but not now and not under these circumstances.” She swallowed. She shouldn’t say it, but it bubbled up anyway, truth that she’d thought would be better in six months, better when he’d had time to heal. “And I’ll tell you this about Eva’s resources. I can’t do this again. I can’t be married to someone who is MIA for months at a time, and just when I’ve started to pull it together and move o
n, turns up again and wants to pick up where it was. I can’t be a military wife. There are women who can, and who do it over and over for twenty or thirty years, but I can’t live like that. I can’t live with the uncertainty over and over, with not knowing. At least when someone is terminally ill you know they’re not coming back.” She stopped, staring at the stricken expression on his face.
“You don’t want to marry me.”
“I don’t want to marry anyone now,” she said. “And I don’t want to marry someone who is going to be out there putting themselves in harm’s way every day. I don’t want to be a young widow with kids the way my dad was, and I know that could happen anyway! My mom died of cancer. That happens. But she didn’t do it on purpose.”
Rodney opened his mouth and shut it again. “But…I thought…you loved me.”
“I do. Maybe I do. But I can’t marry you like this.” She put her hand on his arm. “We can date. We can see each other. We can see where it goes in five years. But I can’t marry you now.”
Rodney looked down at her hand on his sleeve, and she couldn’t see his face. “I need to know that you’re here,” he said finally. “I can’t live with you and get deeper and deeper into this if it’s not solid. If it’s not going somewhere. If you can’t say yes.” He was silent for a long moment, then looked up. “Maybe we need to take a step back,” Rodney said with that same lopsided smile. “I think I probably need to move out. If this is going to be a casual thing…”
“Yeah,” Jennifer said, and she blinked back tears. “If it’s casual…”
“Right.” Rodney got up, folding his laptop shut. “So I think I should find someplace else to stay tonight. I’ll look for new quarters in the morning.”
“Yeah,” she said, not moving. “That’s probably best.”
“I think my old room is taken,” Rodney said, putting his laptop under his arm. “It had a good bathtub. I think somebody snagged it.”
“I’m sure there’s another room with a bathtub,” Jennifer said. She was proud that her voice was steady.
“Yes, I’m sure there is.” He looked at her and then down at the big white slug on the carpet. “Do you mind keeping Newton one more night? I’ll get him in the morning.”
“No, I don’t mind,” she said. “I kept him for months. But I was going to send him home with Jeannie…”
“Well. Now you don’t have to.” Rodney reached down and ruffled Newton’s fur. “I’ll see you in the morning, cat.”
“Good night,” Jennifer said. She couldn’t trust herself to say anymore as he walked over to the door, his steps as jaunty as the old Rodney McKay. “Good night.”
Chapter Twenty-five
A Winter’s Night
Rodney made his way purposefully through the halls of Atlantis. It was late at night, and there were few people to see him, but still he moved like a man with purpose. Not like a man who had no idea where he was going. He finally stopped outside a familiar looking door and shrugged. Why not? He touched the chimes.
The door slid open almost immediately. Teyla was wearing a tank top and sweat pants, but she didn’t look as if she had already gone to bed. “Hi,” Rodney said.
Teyla looked perplexed. “If you are looking for John,” she said, “I believe he is meeting with Major Lorne and Colonel Carter. I think they are in the lounge by the puddle jumper bay.”
The one that was sometimes used as an auxiliary conference room for meetings smaller than the main conference room, or that you didn’t want people wandering in to, as there was no reason for anyone to be on that floor except to go to the jumper bay. “Actually, I was looking for you,” Rodney said. If he’d wanted Sheppard he would have gone to Sheppard’s room.
“Oh,” Teyla said, and stepped back. Her voice was low. “Come in. Only do not wake Torren.”
There was one lamp turned very low in the main room. Torren was sound asleep in a little pile of blankets and stuffed things in his corral in the middle of the room. The sound of soft snores emerged from it.
“Come in the bedroom,” Teyla said, beckoning him in and closing the door behind him. Once the bedroom door was closed she spoke normally. “We can talk in here and it won’t wake him.”
Her room was a nest of light, clothes and electronics and toys scattered here and there, a TV in the corner with a stack of kids’ dvds on top of it, while on the floor an overflowing laundry basked shared space with a ride-on fire truck and tangle of boots and slippers. A few pine scented candles were lit on a table by the window. That and the whirling snow outside made Rodney suddenly think of Christmas, of some bizarre way Christmas ought to be, though by the calendar on Earth it was only the end of October.
The room wasn’t large, and most of it was taken up by her big bed. Teyla plopped down on one end of it, straightening out the dark red flannel comforter cover and a bright handwoven throw. She crossed her legs. “What did you want to talk with me about?” she asked.
“Um,” Rodney said, sitting down on the other side of the bed. Teyla just sat there looking at him quizzically. “I was wondering if I could sleep with you tonight. I mean stay with you tonight. To sleep on your couch.”
*Rodney.* She spoke mind to mind, and her mental voice was concerned. *What is the matter?*
He looked wildly around suddenly registering that about five of those boots were way too big for Teyla. And that was Sheppard’s laptop on the table by the TV. And unless Teyla had started wearing a classic Johnson t shirt, that was Sheppard’s shirt on the floor. “Wait, are you and Sheppard…”
Teyla’s usually composed face looked a little embarrassed. “We are together, yes.”
“Oh.” Rodney blinked. “That’s weird. I mean, that’s great. That’s really good for both of you. That’s super.”
*Rodney.* She took his hand, her mental voice strong and warm. *What is wrong?*
*I asked Jennifer to marry me.* The images tumbled out faster than words, faster than he could say and more completely, a babbling flood of words and thoughts. *She said no.*
*Oh Rodney,* she said. *I am so sorry.*
Rodney closed his eyes. One thing about speaking like this was that he could see her still, see the sense of her even more clearly. But it was easier than looking at her face. Less like Rodney and more like Quicksilver, who was always Rodney to begin with, only not remembering all the things that made it hard to do this, that made it hard to say things that should be obvious but weren’t. *I’m really sad,* he said.
*I know.* Her mental voice encompassed him like warm arms. *I am so sorry, my friend.*
*I thought she wanted to marry me, but now she says she doesn’t. That maybe she’ll decide she does in five years but I can’t just go on for five years like I think this is going to happen if it’s not.*
*Of course not,* Teyla said. *You are not someone who can wait. You must know that your family loves you.*
Her hand shifted on his, wrist to wrist, her right hand stretched against his arm and his against the back of hers, the palm tingling slightly. There was no handmouth there, not anymore, but he knew where it should be. Which was confusing.
*You should not have asked her now,* Teyla said ruefully.
*I thought she’d say yes and then I’d be really happy.*
The door opened. “Has Torren been asleep long?” Sheppard asked in a quiet voice.
Rodney’s eyes sprang open as Sheppard closed the door behind him, his black jacket over his arm. He was sitting on Teyla’s bed holding hands. No, not just holding hands but sitting with his hand against her elbow. With their eyes closed. “It’s not what you think!” Rodney said quickly.
“What’s not what I think?” Sheppard looked perplexed.
“It’s not that I… I wouldn’t do that. And I didn’t. I mean, especially if I’d known, which I didn’t, because you didn’t say and you really should have.” Ok, now Sheppard looked utterly baffled. “Where’s Carter?”
“On her way back to the Hammond,” Sheppard said with a look at Teyl
a that pretty clearly conveyed what in the hell is wrong with Rodney. “You could call her on the radio.”
Rodney had grabbed his hand back from Teyla and now stared at her as she looked at Sheppard. “And you’re ok with that?”
“With Colonel Carter going to the Hammond?” Teyla asked. “Rodney?”
*With Carter…with Sheppard…hanging out with her late at night…* His mental voice cheated, showing all the things he couldn’t say.
*Why should I not be?* Teyla sounded perplexed. *He has friends. Some of them are women. Some of them are men. Why would that disturb me in the least?*
“Rodney, are you ok?” Sheppard asked. He put his jacket on top of the pile in the laundry basket, where it promptly fell off and draped over the fire truck.
Teyla apparently decided that waiting for him to explain was a lost cause. “Rodney asked Jennifer to marry him and she said no.”
“Aw, crap,” Sheppard said. “That sucks, Rodney.”
“He asked if he could sleep on my couch tonight,” Teyla added.
“Of course you can,” Sheppard said. “Hang on. Let me get some blankets. I think there’s a clean comforter around here too.” He went into the bathroom and started rummaging, presumably in the storage unit. “It’s in there with Torren,” he called out. “Torren gets up pretty early. Sorry about that.”
“It’s ok,” Rodney said.
Sheppard came out of the bathroom with a pile of blankets. “Here you go. I’ve got one more thing I need to check on before I turn in, so if you and Teyla want to hang out, I’ll be back in a little while.”
Rodney wondered what he needed to check on at eleven at night without his jacket that he hadn’t checked on when he was out before, but that was Sheppard for you. “Ok,” Rodney said.
Sheppard opened the door and looked out into the dark main room, no doubt checking whether or not Torren stirred.
“Thanks,” Rodney said.
STARGATE ATLANTIS: Secrets (Book 5 in the Legacy series) Page 26
